ANewDayforRose

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I had a great day.  First - I actually got to work on time!!!  (This is unfortunately rare.)  Second - food was so easy at work!  I had 2 snacks (yogurt in the a.m. and refried beans in the afternoon) and lunch (tuna and mashed carrot and applesauce) - and it was easy.  Not obsessing about food all day, not waiting for the next meal.  I still don't get a lot of hunger pangs, but I do get that shaky panicky feeling and then I have a snack.   This is so much easier than dieting!  I ate less than I would on a diet, and I didn't think about food all day.  This is fantastic!!!  It was so easy.  I didn't feel as self-conscious today as I anticipated.  It was good to be back.  And to top it all off, driving home it was light out!!!  Spring may actually come again. 

I'm getting nervous about going to work tomorrow - what if I don't have enough food, what if (god forbid) I get hungry and don't have any mushy stuff to eat???  I hate that I'm having such panic about food.  But that's part of my make up.  There is a lot of food issues and hunger is one of them.  

So my GI tract is reacting.  I've had these issues for years and have always believed it was my gb or a food sensitivity, but tonight I'm wondering - has it really been emotional all this time??  Really??  The only thing I had different today from yesterday was egg salad.  But I had that last week and didn't have any trouble.  So dang it, I'm starting to think it's emotionally linked. 

One thing about egg salad - it's not filling at all.  I'm not sure I will make it again just for that reason.  

And I know the women in the office will be watching me eat tomorrow and that's making me nervous too.    I hate that I'm not a calm person all the time. 

Who would think I'd look forward to going back to work - but I am!!!  I miss the routine, miss lunch with the 'girls'.  I miss feeling productive.  I have a little trepidation too - what if I'm swarmed with 'how much have you lost?', 'what is the lap-band?', and other type questions - or worse - what if I'm not??  What if they see no difference in the 2 weeks I was out and think to themselves 'what the hell did she do that for?'  But that will all be over in a day or 2 either way, and I'll be back in the routine and hopefully just consistently drop a couple pounds a week.     I'm looking forward to wearing a smaller size.  I'm looking forward to moving better.  It's like waiting for Christmas as a kid ~ you know it's coming, but it's sooooo far away.   

The scale finally moved again!  One pound down.     Oh how I long for how I used to lose weight!  Even 10 years ago I could eat 1500 calories a day and lose 10 pounds in a month.  So I started eating solid food 8 days ago and then the scale just stalled.  Actually it went up and then back down.  So I ate between 900-1200 calories all week and the scale finally moved down one pound.  Pre-op I did medifast for a week (which is also very low calorie) and I lost only a pound there too.  It could be just the transition to solid food and I regained some water weight. I'll give it another week before I make any changes.  I SHOULD lose weight on 1200 calories a day. 

Yesterday I put up my 'vision board' and it stared empty at me all day.  Why can't I articulate what I want to achieve?  I thought of something late in the evening - I want to travel to London, Paris, and somewhere in Ireland.  This morning I've been adding Goals to my OH profile.  I see how many of my goals are mobility and flexibility related.  And it saddens me.  When did this happen?  When did I stop being able to squat down or sit cross legged on the floor?  When did I stop being able to get up off the floor with relative ease?  When did I stop being able to kneel?  It snuck up on me.  Of course it is a result of the weight.  But I'm seeing something else too.  My inability to articulate what I want to achieve - this block to dream - this is part of the obesity.  The obesity didn't cause it, it is part of the cause of the obesity.  I've reigned in my dreams so far that I'm in a little box of acceptable goals.  It's been acceptable to eat a box of oreos, somehow it's not been acceptable to want to travel to Europe?

I can't trust my hunger.  This morning I  just was not hungry.  I didn't want to eat this morning.  So I didn't.  Then all of a sudden I was fuzzy headed almost shaky feeling.  I had some yogurt.  I couldn't finish it (6 oz container) - I'm going to have to start buying 4 oz containers.  I took my mother to an appt today and about 12:30 again I got the fuzzy headed, almost shaky panicky feeling again, but no stomach growling.  I LIKE not having the gnawing in my stomach that says feed me, but I do not like this panicky feeling either.  I know this will take time to figure out and find the right balance.  When I get too hungry there is a tendancy to eat too fast and get too full.  I got too full last night with dinner.  No pain, but it felt like I ate too much.  I guess it's just trial and error until I find the right mix.  

There are some wonderfully successful people on the OH board.  There are also people who are not so wonderfully successful.   Which camp will I belong to?  I want to be one of the wonderfully successful people of course!  So I will try to follow their example.  

At my appt the NP said I would get a fill in 2 weeks.  What is the goal of a fill?  This is my question the last couple days.  Does it keep you fuller longer?  I cannot eat more than a cup of food at a time.  That alone is a godsend.    And I hated it when I was on a diet and was always hungry.  So if it will take that away I'm good with that.  But then on the other hand I think of my physical need for fuel - if I'm only eating 1000-1200 calories a day now and I can only eat 1 cup max at a time, why would I need a fill?  I'm thinking maybe I don't. 

Yesterday I had my follow up appointment.  It wasn't a great experience - had a run-in with the receptionist which set a very negative tone for the visit.  I should have stayed in bed that day.  But I did go.  I only showed a 2 pound loss on the scale, which of course is not accurate I have actually lost 8 pounds since the surgery.  So I felt like the NP and the dietician felt like I was overeating.  It was a baaaad appointment all around.  I hope I can turn this around next time.  I do want to work as a team, not as adversaries.  

But the good thing that came out of it was that somehow it released my fear of doing it wrong.  I do know how to eat healthy,  I am tracking my intake on thedailyplate.com so I know my calories are low, I know I'm getting enough calcium and protein.  And this appointment made me realize that this is now about me and the band.  It's not about me and the dietician or me and the NP or surgeon, it's about me and the band.  

What dovetails nicely with this was watching Oprah yesterday about the law of attraction.  It made me want to start a vision board again and I went out and bought a cork board just for that.  What do I want to put my attention on?  Well I want to follow the band rules and I want to incorporate exercise into my life.   I want to succeed with the band.  I want to achieve long-term healthy weight loss. 

I went to Stage 2 foods (or mushies) on Saturday.  Oh the anxiety of it all!!!  I see that I am absolutely nuts.     What is considered an asset at work (being a perfectionist, always wanting to 'do it right', not wanting to fail, wanting to win, wanting to succeed, etc., and, I think I know better than everyone else) is not really an asset in my personal life.  And the band is a good example.  I was petrified I was doing it wrong, then I think I did do it wrong.  In addition I was light-headed so I don't think I was getting enough calories.  I was computing everything on thedailyplate.com and coming up with 600-700 calories.  How can a body live on that?  No wonder I'm getting light-headed.  And what about nutrition??   So I've been feeling a little unsettled and a little unsure of myself, and not really liking myself because of all these mind-y things going on.  I did talk with the dietician who reassured me and told me I did not need to count calories (but I don't know if I think that's wise).  

 I ate more  yesterday - more than the 3x a day (plus liquids and protein drinks) and today I feel good.   Now I haven't 'eaten' today, but I have had juice and a protein drink.  It's noon and I feel hungry.  I may be starting to get into a normal pattern.  And hopefully all else will fall into place.  And I really want to go back to work where I feel competent again!

Okay....I think I feel 'normal' again.  My energy level all day was good.  I only took tylenol in the morning and not since.  Only 'problem' is that my breath is bad and I have a bad taste in my mouth.  When I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I brushed me teeth again!

I had some soft food today!  I had egg salad (about 3 tablespoons) broken into 2 separate 'meals' and I had about 3 tablespoons of yogurt.  Then I got scared about adding food into my diet so I decided to start tracking my intake on thedailyplate.com .   I still had less than 1000 calories today even adding the egg and yogurt.  

So do I dare start to exercise??  I could do a walk away the pounds dvd or I could actually go to the mall and take a stroll!?! 

I slept in my bed last night and I slept so well!!!  When I woke up this morning I couldn't wait until the afternoon for a nap!!!    I got myself showered, dressed, hair done, make up on and went to the store to buy stage 2 food.  (Very exciting).  I bought eggs, tuna, yogurt, and refried beans.  Yummo.  Tomorrow I'm gonna have me a whole tablespoon or two of one of those!  And if goes well maybe I'll have a second meal too!   I'm boiling the eggs right now! 


The trip exhausted me though...but I got to take a nap!    It was heaven.  


I think I have some contact dermatitis or something around one of my incisions.  I think this was part of the pulling sensation I would feel when I laid down.  I think they put the tape on too tight, or maybe it's because my belly is so jelly that with the tape on it the skin isn't stretching...so the tape pulled and I have icky red marks on both ends, which burn, and one looks like a little blood blister.  I'm watching it.  I put a little neosporin on the red areas (not the incision itself, which is half inch from either red area).  Owwee.  I hope that's all it is.  I think that's all it is.  

Oh....and I'm starving today.  And it's 7:41 p.m. and I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm drinking broth.  I'll have another protein drink tonight, but I'm very hungry today.  I suppose that's really a good sign.  So I don't want to pout for being hungry because I WANTED the band, I wanted a lifestyle change, I wanted an intervention.  But my physical body is saying FEED ME.  Tomorrow little one, tomorrow I will feed you 2 whole tablespoons of egg salad!  In the meantime we can both sing together:

                           Food glorious food
                      Hot sausage and mustard....

                        Food, glorious food!
                     What wouldn't we give for
                       That extra bit more --
                      That's all that we live for
                      Why should we be fated to
                         Do nothing but brood
                                On food,
                            Magical food,
                          Wonderful food,
                           Marvellous food,
                            Fabulous food,
                            Beautiful food,
                             Glorious food