ANewDayforRose

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I set yesterday as the last day of my old life.  Yesterday was my extended family Christmas party, and today is 4 weeks until the surgery.  Of course I have gained a few pounds since my last doctor's appt so I have to lose that before my pre-op visit on 1/18 and then surgery on 1/28.  So yesterday before the party I was very much aware that I would never again have 'volume eating'.  It was an interesting place to be in my mind.  I'm so ready to let go of it and of course nervous about it too.  I don't know how to deal with food differently, yet I want to.  So it's over now.  And today really is the New Day.  

When I got approved for my surgery I told my family about the surgery on our family website - just to get it out there.   Some responses were warm, most non-committal, one voiced concern - have I thought this through kind of thing.  But yesterday at the party - omg I was overwhelmed!  So many people came up to me to tell me how wonderful they thought it was; were so proud; that they wanted to do it; that they knew people who had the lapband and were doing great, etc.  Is this really MY family??  Wow.  I feel a surge of supportive energy, like a back draft pushing me along, making the journey a little easier.  Nice.  Very nice.

Okay....I'm having concerns.  This is a big decision, have I thought it through thoroughly?  Yes, I think I have.  I did, however, re-look at the statistics for complications yesterday.  I KNOW I've looked at these before and it didn't concern me, but yesterday it did.  Of the study quoted, in a 3 year follow up, 25% of lap band patients had their band removed (this is under Risk Information on the OH lap-band website).

Well that was an eye-opener for me.  It made me look at the lap band differently.  I stopped looking at it as a permanent solution.  Soul searching.  Is this the right thing for me?  I think it is.  The bottom line is that surgery IS a last resort.  I think I forgot that for a few months.  This is a surgical intervention to my obesity.  Of the surgeries currently offered, I think the lap band is safest as far as mortality and safest as far as long-term nutritional effects.  However, it looks like there is a 1 in 4 chance that the band won't be right for me for one reason or the other and it might end up being removed.  Can I live with that possibility?  What I'm reading is that of the 3 year follow up study, 75% kept the band.  That's pretty good.  Sure I'd like it to be a guarantee, but that's not an option.  

Whenever I'm confused by something I always return to the question "What is my goal?' and that seems to help put things into perspective.  So what is my goal?  My goal is reduce my weight so that I relieve the stress on my joints so that I'm not plagued with pain and reduced mobility in my old age.  That really  is the main goal for me at this point.  Yes there are lots of other things I'd like to achieve as a result of losing weight, but this is the main one.   

All weight loss surgeries will help me achieve this goal.  And of the ones currently offered, the lap-band is the one I'm most comfortable with even with the study results where 25% had their band removed.  

So I'm going forward - but with my eyes open.  The goal is not the lap-band.  The goal is long-term weight loss. 

Six weeks from today I will get the lap-band!  Yeah!

Too bad they make me wait so long.  Too bad this whole process has been so long.  It's given me plenty of opportunity to flounder with my eating, to feel like I'm failing again, etc.  I'm jealous of the people on the board that go in for their consult and have surgery 6 weeks later.  I went in for my consult in Aug - 5 months later I'll get the band.  Oy.  But I also see that others go through an even longer waiting period.  So it's almost here.  I'm 6 pounds more than I was at my 11/1 appt.  I have to lose that weight before my pre-op appt on Jan 18.  That's anxiety producing.  Just get through Christmas then I can re-focus.  Try not to go crazy between now and the new year. 

Well today was a good day - food-wise, and emotionally, which is often the same thing.  I started the day with beginning to read Becks Diet Solution Weight Loss workbook.  And today I was conscious of what I was eating and I actually counted some bites and stopped before 'full' or overfill.  Six weeks until the band and I have begun to focus on that.  I feel good.  I feel hopeful that I can do this.  I feel hopeful that I can succeed with the band. 

This process for insurance approval has been LONG.  I got discouraged along the way.  After my Nov 1 appt everything I was attempting went out the window.  I stopped working it...stopped limiting what I ate, stopped practicing chewing, stopped it all.  Then I got approved!  Yeah.  Oh crap...now this is real.  Now I need to stop celebrating and get back to business.  I've taken a 6 week holiday!  What was I thinking!!!  (Well I was thinking poor pitiful me, then I was thinking woohoo I'm approved!)

So I have to re-focus.  And now I'm feeling scared.  What if I fail at this?  Can I do this?  Can I really?  At times I think of course I can this is what I've been working toward...but look what happened when I got discouraged about the insurance approval...I gave up.  I ate.  A lot.  

I guess the one thing that gives me some encouragement is that I know that (from my history) once I get into a diet I can stay there a long time.  It's the falling off that's the problem.  So I have that going for me.  Compulsiveness is a behavior (as with overeating) but it can be a good thing as well - as in compulsively following the band rules. 

So it's six weeks until the band.  Focus.  Focus.  What is your goal here??  Remember the goal.  Work toward the goal.  Focus. 

What is motivating me to get the band?

1)  I want to stop the roller coaster of gaining and losing.

2)  I want to fit into airplane seats better and not feel like I'm intruding on others' space.

3)  I want to be able to squat down and get back up without fearing that my knees are going to snap off.

4)  I want to be able to get up off the ground without having to use a chair or something to push myself up with.  (I've had 2 embarrassing falls in public in the last 7 years where I could not get up without help).

5)  I would like to not have to consider whether I can keep up when considering doing activities with others.

6)  I would like to be able to touch my toes (without having my belly get in the way).

7)  I'd like to be able to do a sit up (again without my belly getting in the way).

8)  I want to regain some flexibility.

9)  I'm concerned that if I don't lose weight and keep it off that I'm setting myself up for a troublesome old age with joint problems, diabetes, etc.

Okay, I've been up and down (emotionally and scale-wise)  with  this process since I decided to pursue the surgery last May.  I've had 3 appts at the bariatric center.  The second one at the end of September was very discouraging and I really began to doubt my decision to have the band and to have it through the bariatric center.  The NP really discouraged the band and 'strongly encouraged me to consider bypass'.  I really felt the wind go out of my sails.  If the NP isn't behind the process, how am I to succeed??  So I ate and gained the 5 lbs I had lost.  

But somehow I've reconcilled my fears and doubts and began to lose again.  I went for my 3rd appt on Thursday.  It was very brief.  They had not submitted to insurance yet because they have not received the psych report and they asked me to call the psychologist to get him moving and my surgeon said he was goint to submit for insurance approval anyway, pending the psych eval.  

So I'm feeling hopeful again that I could be having the surgery before the end of the year.

7/13/07
So I decided to get the lap-band!!!  I've weighed over 200 since 9th grade in high school.  That's about 30 years ago.  (Well to be truthful, at 25 I dipped down to 187 for about a minute).  So as an adult my weight has been between 187-325.  I lost 60 pounds 4 years ago and gradually it has creeped back on, and I'm too close to 300 again to ignore it.  Finally, I decided...I'm ready for some 'medical intervention'.      

But I found out that the process before surgery is longer than I imagined.  I'm disappointed, and I feel discouraged.  Another diet...another freaking diet.  I'm not sure I have it in me to do it again.  I've gained and lossed so many times.  When I'm successful (for months at a time) I think 'this is it!  I finally kicked it!  I'm going to succeed, I'm going to be a normal eater!'  But it always came to an end - for various reasons.  I am a stress eater for sure.

So I'm just left with a lot of questions.  Can I actually become a normal eater?  Is this just one more level of dieting...have I just ratchetted up the 'new' dieting plan by saying I want the Lap-Band?  

I have more questions than answers.  My first appointment with the surgeon and team is in about 6 weeks, hopefully the weeks will go quickly, and hopefully I will find some peace in my questions.