ANewDayforRose

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I'm really struggling with these concepts since my fill Nov 14.  Two weeks, seems like a lot of puking.  Not every day, but I don't know if I've gone 3 days without.  There is a sensation that I look for for fullness/satisfied.  I actually think it's a sensation of sugar in my system - carb loading, sugar loading, something biochemical anyway.  And then I struggle with knowing when I'm hungry again, or if it's just that I want a little something.  Again it may be that biochemical thing again.  Last night I posted about this and someone responded that she had to realize that she will never feel fullness the same way and that fullness is now a sensation located in the center of her chest.  So when I had my snack I noticed it too and thought - hey this might be that new fullness sensation.  But....a couple hours later feeling 'hungry', or at least not feeling the feeling I wanted, and I ate a couple ounces of chicken.  I thought that was a good choice.  I had it earlier that day with no trouble.  But I puked that baby up like there was no tomorrow.  I actually got scared at how hard I puked.  So by the time I went to bed (after my stomach stopped spazzing) I was feeling quite defeated.  I have to get this.  I have to get to a point where this is second nature. 

So I had a fill Oct 2 and another fill Nov 14.  Before Oct 2 I never knew what restriction ever felt like.  Weird to think I've gone all this time without really knowing what the band was really about.  Weird how I allowed myself to believe I was just a failure with the band, when really it was because I wasn't being followed properly by my center.  In the beginning I was made to feel like I was eating improperly and that's why I wasn't losing, and no one was telling me what restriction was supposed to be like.  Probably because  they didn't know.  Probably because they've been doing RNYs for so long.  Anyway, things seem to have turned a page.  Only now I seem to get stuck all the time.  But it's only been 8 days since my last fill.  This morning I made an egg with some turkey bacon cut up in it and some strawberries.  I ate about half the egg/bacon and was stuck.  So I stopped eating.  It passed.  I went on some errands...came back 2 hours later and ate the rest of the egg/bacon...stuck again.  This is so frustrating.  So this time I allowed myself to bring it back up.  There may be more, we'll see what happens.  So since my last fill I'm puking about every other day.  Then I'll be really careful and eat soft foods, then when I go back to solid protein or wasa crackers, and I get stuck again.  I WILL figure this out.  I will not continue to do this. 

I exercised every day for at least 30 minutes in the month of September!                   

What a relief!!!  So I lost a pound in the last 8 days...whoohoo (and that is not sarcasm!)  The scales have been so stalled out that to lose a pound in 8 days seems absolutely wonderful.  I'm also lower than I have been in this century.    I hit 264 after my gb was removed, but haven't been lower since my weight was on its way back up from getting down to 230 back in my late 30s.  That's the next big milestone - to weigh 229. 

Well this morning I went through the anti-inflammation diet book and wrote a grocery list and a menu for the week.  Went to the store and spent the most I have EVER spent at the store.  I did buy several expensive items (salmon, nuts) and I had some coupons that were going to expire so I bought some items I didn't necesarily need this week, but will use them so didn't want the coupons to go to waste.  It was exhausting.  I was in store probaby 90 or more minutes, then you gotta bring it in the house and put it away.  Geez.  Note to self...don't buy this much at once again. 

So I've actually only eaten 4x today (3 meals and one snack) and I'm still full from dinner.  I am feeling a little down though after dinner.  I wonder if I ate too much, I wonder if I CAN eat too much, I wonder if somehow I'm eating too much and damaging myself in some way, I'm just worrying and feeling bad about myself tonight.  I had salmon and baked potato and brussels sprouts for dinner.  I could have eaten less salmon (I ate 4 oz), I could have had 3 oz, and I ate the whole potato, but probably should only have had half.  I wasn't uncomfortable, it just felt like it was too much visually.  Is this more than 1 cup of food?  If I ground it up in the food processor maybe not.  Is that how we are supposed to measure??  So confusing.  And then it leads to my whole 'what is restriction' debate in my head.  If I can eat this much, am I properly restricted?  And then I think how can I not have restriction if I have 9cc's in my band??  So it must be me....or the surgeon is whacked.  Maybe he made my pouch too large?  Or maybe I'm just fine and just in a mental loop of anxiety.  I can also feel bad that there are no support groups for the band around here, and feel bad that my surgery center doesn't feel supportive of the band and that when I go to the NP with my concerns I feel like she blames me and/or blames the band for being inadequate.  And the loop continues.  Oy. 

Preband I would have eaten the whole salmon piece - 7 oz, the baked potato, brussels sprouts, and dessert and maybe more.  And when I felt full, fat and doped up on my food  I would have felt good.  So I DO have a band.  It's still all about the calories in and calories burned, but I cannot eat like I used to.  Okay...that was a good reality check.  

Yesterday at work a woman I know from another department came into the office and said 'what did you do? you look different...it's something with your hair, or make up....you look really pretty.'  Nice.  I didn't tell her it was the weight loss.  Today to the store I wore a shirt that has been hanging in my closet for 4 years!  I bought it for my trip to AZ over 4 years ago.  I wore it and then the shirt 'shrank' when I washed it and was too tight and I never wore it again.  I had nothing to wear this morning so I tried it on was was suprised that there as no tightness across the hips, so I wore it all day....still on.  I would like to move passed this weight though....I feel like I've been stalled in this decade of weight for so long...3 months I think.   

My eating got away from me yesterday.  It was that failure trifecta - didn't feel well, tired, off schedule.  I actually didn't too too bad, but I felt all out of control and I was thinking of buying ice cream and chips.  I actually went through a whole scenerio in my mind....where would I stop, what would I buy, how much so I didn't have left overs, etc.  I also didn't get enough fluid in yesterday.  I drank extra coffee and never filled my water bottle.  By the time I headed home I realized how thirsty I was and that THAT was probably part of the problem with the cravings, and that is the only thing that saved me from stopping for junk food.  BUT when I got home I didn't drink, but had a couple popsicles and some wasa crackers with margarine.  Then I took a nap!  And when I got up I was starved.  And ate another wasa cracker before realizing I still had not had anything really to drink all day.  So I finally got some crystal light in, and ate dinner about 10 p.m.  All off schedule yesterday.  And I felt  lumpy and fat yesterday and had some body self-loathing going on - again I think it's was the tired, not feelinging well and being off schedule.  Oh and then the self-loathing went to feelings of failure with the band.  It's a domino kind of thing with me, perhaps everyone.  

I will say that I did reach for my affirmation "I am willing to release this problem" at one point yesterday during the internal debate whether to stop for junk food.  Maybe that helped me enough to clear my head a little bit from the drive....the need for junk.  

So it's a beautiful morning, and I have time for a second cup of coffee.  My lunch is made for today, and I feel physically well, so hopefully that means this day will go much better!

More than 3 years ago I was seeing a naturopath for my gallbladder.  I had called her and told her that my doctor said I had gallstones and wanted me to have surgery to have the gb removed but I wanted to try to heal it first and was that possible.  Well she said yes.  Well in retrospect I don't think she should have said yes to me.   I think if I had seen a naturopath 10 years earlier, then perhaps, but I think once your doctor says it's gotta come out, it really does need to come out.  What I don't like about modern medicine is that it cannot in general treat you proactively.  Oh sure they say lose weight, quit smoking, etc, but it's like hearing the Charlie Brown teacher 'Wha Wha Wha'.  I think that aspect of Medicine should be stressed more.  Anyway...I digress...   So the naturopath put me on an anti-inflammatory diet - this was before it became vogue.  The diet was extrememly rigid - no citrus, no nightshade veggies, no dairy, no wheat, no red meat, no coffee, no sugar, eat flax seed every day, and then a plethora of herbs and naturopathic meds.  Well geez....I did pretty good I think, but I never fully gave up coffee (although I did go to organic decaf) and occasionally I had some sugar and half and half.  I did this for 5 months.    Well the gallbladder ended up coming out emergently and long story short when I asked the naturopath what happened...why it didn't heal, she blamed me!  She said that I wasn't completely compliant with the diet!!!!  omg.  Talk about insult to injury.  

So two years ago I had the CRP test done (hs-CRP?) which measures inflammation and it's supposed to be a good indicator of future heart disease, my results were very high - a 10.  But because I had no other indicators (high bp, high cholesterol) I was told there was nothing to treat other than lose weight.   Again this is my frustration with modern medicine - scare the bejesus out of me, but send me away with 'lose weight'.  

So okay, I've had the lapband.  The losing weight thing will happen.  Now how else can I address the inflammation.  Can my diet be better?  So I just got the Idiot's guide to the Inflammation Diet and did a quick read through last night.  This presentation of the diet is THANKFULLY not as rigid as the naturopath's.  And I think I do pretty good anyway.  So it's kind of difficult to approach.   What can I give up or replace in my diet?  Crystal light???  Do I have to give up my Crystal light?  And I eat some other processed foods - south beach products, sugar free puddings, and the spurts of fat free hot dogs.  Oh and 100 calorie packs of chips or cookies or whatever.  Although I think I do pretty good with the fruits and veggies, I probably could switch out some of the prcessed foods with a fruit or veggie.    Okay....so maybe my approach for the next few days will be to note when I'm consuming processed or foods with artificial whatevers in them.  And then go from there to see how to improve my diet overall. 

Firstly and most importantly - I'm down to 264!!!  That number has teased me earlier this week on the scale, but then when I weigh myself again it would be higher.  Today, 3x on the scale, all the same number!  Phew, I finally broke the 'plateau'.  On 6/27 I weighed 268 and started the diabetic carb counting.  I haven't been perfect, but dang it seems to be working for me!  Now if only my mother would do it (the diabetic!)

I've been painting and painting and I'm still not done. Does painting take this long for everyone or am I particularly slow?  Or is it because I'm doing it alone?  I did finish the dining room about 5 pm yesterday and then started on the parts of the kitchen that are painted (the rest being cabinets and wallpaper).   Okay here is the weird thing - it was the grundgy kitchen walls that made me want to paint in the first place, but they get done last, go figure.  At 8 p.m. I wrapped it up and realized I would be painting yet another day.  Disappointing.  I also bagged the 15 minute thing sometime yesterday.  I seemed to get into it more and could paint for longer stretches of time without taking too many long breaks.  Of course this puts me way behind schedule with everything else I have to do this weekend.  There is that freaking lawn!!  And the grocery store, and the 'house blessing' (cleaning).  I'm going to have to pace myself and perhaps let some things go.  Like weeding.  Like cleaning. 

Yesterday I done lost my mind and ordered a Wii with Wii Fit off of ebay.  So much money!!!!!!!!!!  I went through the whole internal debate about spending money.  I agonize about purchases over $100.  Well actually I agonize about purchases except food, gas, and repairs.  So after the debate - I just decided to do it.  I'm still pretty anxious about the purchase.  But I'm looking forward to getting it too. 

So I take my mother to some of her doctor's appts.  My sister used to take her to all of them but has gotten quite frustrated and asked...well told me...that I would be taking her to the GP.  This doctor treats her diabetes.  She was diagnosed with it a 2 or 3 ago (at 76?).  Well she will not follow the diet plan.  Mind you when my mother had CHF she was rigid with the diet and the sodium.  Then she developed gout (from lack of water and the meds) and she was rigid about that diet.  But then she got diabetes and she reached the wall I think.  So I've taken her to nutrition teaching sessions and I go with her to the doctor and the doctor reads her the riot act.  So the last appt was this past Monday.  Same deal.  We talked about counting carbs but she looks at me (and the doctor) as if she never heard this before.  So the plan when we leave the doctor's office is that I'm going to help my mother with the eating schedule, how many carbs to eat, when to do it, etc.  That was Monday.  So all week I'm thinking about this and I am thinking about my own eating and how the last couple of months I have lost all control and have been pigging out as much as my band will let me.  Junk food, ice cream, candy.  I always TRY, but it always falls apart.  So after listenting to the doctor scold my mother, I thought geez maybe I should try this diabetic way of eating - eating 5-6x a day, eating 25 carbs for snacks, 45 for meals, etc.  So today that's what I did.  I ate all freaking day long.  And it took a lot of effort to count the carbs.  In addition I ate at least 1 oz of protein each time I ate.  It was HARD to eat this much.  I just counted it all up on myplate.com.  I've eaten just over 1200 calories.       Holy crap.  I ate all freaking day and I've only eaten 1200 calories.  And why am I not doing this every day??  Good question.  This might be the answer for me.  Or at least part of the answer.   Each time I ate today I started with what I normally eat (when not binging) and found that the carb count was too low and I would have to change up what I was eating to up the carbs.  It makes me wonder if my craving sweets is really related to my body needing more carbs throughout the day.  Food for thought, so to speak.  

So I called my mother to see how she was doing on her diet plan and to tell her what I did today and to tell her how difficult it was, etc.  She's not following the plan.  'Count the carbs in my meals?? '  oy.  At least I got something out the diabetic nutrition sessions and the doctor's appt. 

In the last couple of days I've seen posts about 'what are your dreams' and yesterday when I had reiki I was asked 'what do you dream about' meaning what is my highest apsiration, wish, etc.  I realized again that I don't dream big!  I realized I think I'm afraid of being disappointed so I don't have big dreams.  Is that contentment, or settling??  My biggest dream was getting this house - which is modest by any standards, but it has the fence I wanted, the birds, the flower beds. It is what I dreamed, and it is what I achieved.  

For my weight I cannot visualize myself thin.  I've never been thin, I don't know what it feels like or looks like.  I'd like to be able to do stretching exercises without my belly getting in the way.  I'd like to be able to squat down without pain and fear that my knees are going to break off.  I once in a while attempt to squat and have both every time - the fear is the worst of it.  And I fear falling in public because I cannot get up gracefully.  So my dreams are way too modest.  It feels a bit depressing.  Have I been so beaten down that I don't dream???  Or perhaps I'm just a realist.  My life is on a trajectory and will only veer from that course in small amounts.  

Financially I'm good with the trajectory.  Career-wise I'm good with the trajectory.    I would like to build relaitonships.  I would like to be healthy, I'd like to be able to move better.  Okay I feel better.  I didn't have this surgery to dramatically change my life.  I had this surgery to stop this gaining!!!!!!!!!!!  I had this surgery because I didn't like that trajectory!  So since that was my goal, I've already succeeded!

But now it's time to change up the goal.   I do  think I do need to start visualizing myself thinner.  I haven't been in the 220s since my 20s.  I felt humongous at that weight, but I have pictures of myself and NOW I think dang I didn't look so bad.  So that is my new goal - to weigh 229.    That's 35 ish pounds from now.