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Food-wise things are going well.  I've been trying fruit as snacks instead of yogurt and/or granola bar and the change feels good. And tonight I took my elliptical machine, which I bought 2 years ago and barely used (and have been waiting for someone to take it away) and dragged it downstairs to the family room in the basement and rode it during the commercials.  At least I did one day.  Can I do it again?

Tues, 5/6

Yesterday morning I wasn't hungry (probably because I ate so much the day before), so I didn't eat before my appointment.  After the appointment there was just a different kind if determination to stick to the plan - but I will also add my hunger was different yesterday.  I had a banana in the afternoon for a snack rather than yogurt (as the NP suggested) and I made a reasonable meal for dinner that looked like it would be a cup ground up (soy meatballs with sauce and 1/2c of barilla plus) and believe it or not I was done and I didn't eat again.  My hunger was different yesterday.  So now I'm REALLY confused.  This morning I'm down 3 pounds from yesterday.  I'm now back to 21 pounds down from surgery.  

Last night on the OH board, Cheri (our bariatric center's success story) came on and posted that she had a fill under fluoro and found that she had nothing in her band despite 4 (faux) fills in the past year.  OMG.    Another bandster I know from the same center has had the same problem.   Suddently things made a lot more sense for me.  It's possible (being so new to bands) that the center is just missing the mark with the fills.  It could be why Marcy talked me into waiting for my fill under fluoro on May 20 despite me wanting one yesterday.  So maybe part of the problem really is my fill level.  If it's not though....I need to take another form of action.  Perhaps a food coach?  Is there such a thing?  Perhaps a food therapist.

Mon 5/5
I went for my appointment.  I felt like a crazy person by the time I left.  We talked about what I was eating, how I was doing, exercise, etc.  She said she didn't think I had 5 cc in my band if I was able to eat the way  was telling her I could and she talked me into waiting for the floro appointment on 5/20.    She seemed to question every thing I was telling her.  When I said I felt a little disappointed that I was losing more steadily, that I lose great after a fill, then is stalls and then I gain a couple.  She said 'The band is not as good as the gastric bypass'.  omg.  She told me with the band I'm only going to lose a couple pounds a month.  I didn't react to it though (I was proud of myself).  She IS trying the best she can.  But she is not supportive of the band.  She said you are losing - according to their scale I've lost 16 pounds.  A pound a week.  Good in her eyes.  I talked about my increased hunger and she said 'so what?  you're hungry.  it's all about the calories'.  I said but I had the surgery to help with the hunger.  

I feel adrift.  Yes there is a mental thing here that is not clicking for me.  I think.  Yes, there is a mental thing that is not clicking, but maybe I'm not getting good support at the bariatric center.  I'm going to call bariatric centers in neighboring cities to see if they have a band support groupI can attend.  Going once a month 60-80 miles away might be worth it.  And maybe I need to switch centers?  I don't know.  I'm confused. 

Sun 5/4/08

I'm reading a little bit of Weight Loss Surgery with the Adjstable gastric Band by Robert Sewell, MD.  I think I need a reminder couse on the band.  I hate that I'm feeling discouraged about it.  When I prepared for the surgery, and right after I was so hopeful and enthusiastic.  And well....it's not quite what I expected.  Reading this book though I see a couple of things that have contributed to that.  I do chew chew chew, so I have never pb'd or slimed, but I think my chewing chewing chewing contributes to not feeling 'full' sometimes and in part because I've gotten away from the solid protein.  I had to think about this.  It is that solid protein that keeps me full for a longer period of time.   I am going to have to make a stronger effort to eat solid protein and veggies at dinner, since dinner and after is where I struggle the most.  I've gotten in the habit of having softer foods at dinner because it's quicker to make - cottage cheese/fruit/cereal, or an omelet.  I think I have to make chili or some kind of meat for the week and have that onhand for dinners.  

Today I did eat three meals.  They were big meals, but I only ate 3.  At lunch I ate too much.  Too much.  I reminded myself that I do have a band!  It actually made me happy to feel  pressure in my chest.  (Happy and nervous about it at the same time).  It didn't last long, thankfully.  Not pain, just pressure ~ hey bozo did you really need that 90 calorie bag of cookies and sugar free pudding cup on top of what you just ate?

I get a fill tomorrow.  I hope that is the answer and that it's not that I'm failing at the band.  I wonder if my poor eating habits/coping skills are just too much to overcome.  However, I also know that after the surgery and after my last fill I did great with eating and weight loss.  It's when I can eat more that my desire to eat and eat a lot seems to be greatest.  

And exercise of course.  I mowed the lawn today, so I can count it as one day of exercise anyway!

Wed, Apr 30

Well today I've been thinking of joining the Y...again.  I've joined at least 3 times and I diligently go for about a month, then my interest drops off, and then about 3 months out I cancel my membership.  So why do I think it will be different this time?  There are things I hate about the Y - so many people, and frankly I worry about germs...I know I'm weird.  And well it kicks up all my high school gym anxiety...will the other people stare, will the 'teacher' be nice to me or not, etc.     What motivates me to go is the success that the other bandsters have that exercise!  So I'm waffling today.  

At work I had to try to book a pavilion at a park for a retreat this summer and that got me looking at all the county parks and I got very excited about the nature center park.  About 20 years ago I used to go there every day and walk.  It was incredibly beautful and I loved it.  So whether I join the Y again or not, I am going to get a park membership and start walking at that park on the weekends.

I ordered some clothes online and they came today.  I was especially looking forward to this blue suit.  I got it...they sent the wrong size skirt.  They sent a 14WP.  Whattttt???  I held it up to me....can I imagine myself ever fitting into something this small?  It looks so tiny....yet 14WP is not a small size.  Will I fit into that size  in a year?  In 2 years?  What would that feel like??  I tried on all my old clothes in my closet....they fit.  I'm actually feeling disappointed in a weird way.  I hate those clothes.  I will wear them though until I'm too small for them.  I haven't worn them in at least 3 years.

My fill is Monday.  I'm not doing horrible, but not great.  As long as I don't start binging between now and Monday I will call this success. 

My eating this past week as been BAD.  I went to McDonalds twice, I picked up food at the chinese food bar at the grocery store twice, I've had lots of icecream, some candy, cheeze its, chips.  So how much do I chastize myself?  I got the band, I didn't get a brain makeover.  And my band is not filled enough.  So is there blame to be had or is this just part of the process?  I'm going with the 'part of the process'.    Today I am trying to do curtail this binge by doing protein drinks.  At least so far (10 a.m.) it's working fine!    

So much of the band work is head work.  I had expectations for the band and the reality is different than my expectations, so my expectations need to adjust.  I consider myself very practical and I'm a 'bottom line' type of person.  So I'm a little disappointed in myself for having inflated expectations - even though I thought I was being quite realistic!  

So three months out I've lost 22 pounds (or so depending on this last week's binge).  That is still a good weight loss.  If the trend continues that's still a good chunk in a year.  Maybe it will pick up when my restriction level is more steady (does that happen?)  And maybe it will pick up if I can consistently move more and have less binge weeks.  I didn't think I'd have to diet.  That was an unrealistic expectation.  Although when I first was out of surgery I tracked every bite of food, every calorie - I stopped after my fill.  An 'experiment' I told myself.  Well that experiment showed me a couple things - with restriction I do well.  Without restriction and without the mental discipline of writing everything down - I eat EVERYTHING. 

The good news is that I'm coming back around to saying life is more than eating and food.  Since I started the process of getting the band my life has focused on eating and not eating.  I'm ready to become more whole in my life.   Health.  Can I focus on health?  Eat better, eat less, move more?

And the NSV for the week is that I bought a smaller size underwear.  I finally put them on today.  I thought 'these are gonna be too tight' but dang if they don't fit great. 

My next appointment/fill is May 5.  Lately I've noticed that I can eat more at a sitting than I could after surgery and after the last fill.  Is this what the band is like?  I lost a lot of weight right after my last fill, but since that initial drop I think I've only lost another pound.  I guess I expected my weight loss to be more steady.  Is there such a thing as a 'sweet spot'?  And should I be waiting for it?  Or is it that by the time you've had your 3rd or 4th fill you've gotten into a rhythm with what you can and cannot eat and in the right quantities?  Everything is new, so I cannot say what is 'normal'.  I am very jealous of people who have dropped 50 pounds in the last 3 months while I have lost 22.  But again, I thought the weight loss would be steady, not a drop right after the fill and then barely anything.  I'm planning on actually 'dieting' for the next 2 weeks.  I guess I thought there would be less dieting after the band.  To me dieting is following a plan, but also suffereing through hunger.  I had hoped that the band would curtail the hunger.  Following a plan is not so bad, it's the feelings of deprivation that I don't like. 

I will say that I'm noticing a bit more mobility (?).  I'm not sure if that is right, but what I feel is more like I did when I weighed this weight before.  Not as burdened.  It might be completely mental.  I planted most of my plants this morning and I enjoyed the movement of my body through the yard rather than feeling like I'm lumbering or fearing people will see me lumber.  

I have been struggling with formal exercise.  It seems like everytime I exercise my back puts up a fuss.  It's not just muscle pain, but some pins and needles and some sciatica.  And when I get those sensations I get scared, which just makes me tense up and keep the whole thing going.  So I ordered yet another piece of exercise equipment.  Back stretcher and Ab Trainer  .  I want to get something to strengthen my abs, but every time I do any ab exercises I get back problems, and the back stretching part is the same exercises recommended to me previously in PT only inverted (as in the Cobra).  So I'm hoping it helps.  I'm waiting for delivery. 

I'm doing some anxiety eating today.     I have a meeting with one of my two bosses tomorrow.  The background is that last year when my dept went through turmoil and was scaled back, etc ~ the one way that they could justify keeping me was to have me support this other person who was in the process of starting a new program.  It's been steadily gaining momentum and June 1 it will become a department.  Well I heard through the grapevine (from the asst diretor) that the director (soon to be dept head) was going to offer me the job as her full-time asst.  On paper I should be honored and overjoyed.  But I'm not.  Hence...the anxiety eating.  I don't want to shut the door on what really I should jump on....but....I don't want the job for lots of reasons.  But I don't wanto to ruin my reputation by turning down the job.  How will it affect me in the long run?  How do I tell her without burning bridges and/or offending her?  

There is fear too that there won't be more.  And this is where it ties into eating.  When I grew up when there were 'treats' we gobbled them up because we didn't know when there would be more.  And there never seemed to be enough.  (Grew up in a very large dysfunctional family).  Drink 2 sodas in a row because we never knew when they would buy soda again, etc.  Well I internalized that anyway - I don't know about the rest of my sibs, but that was my deal.  Get it while it's there because there may not EVER be more.  However, given my size, I'd have to say there was always more.    So I'm being offered a job....I don't have to take it just because it's offered.    

My new thing lately has been to be true to myself, to do things that are best for me and not just to avoid the emotions of others (i.e. write to my sister so she won't be mad).   So this is the same issue.  I can't say yes or maybe because I don't want to offend or piss someone off, I have to do what is good for me.  I don't want the job.  But I am afraid to let it pass me by without knowing that I'm secure in my current position.    So that's what needs to be addressed.  Can I stay where I am without supporting 2 people?  I need that in writing thank you.  (That meeting is Apr 24 -  I'll have to put off the offer until Apr 25).

This morning I put on my brown skirt suit/set.  It's my "Pretty Woman" suit.  It has flowing brown polka dot skirt and a brown jacket-type top.  I've gotten great compliments.  I look 'sharp' in it.  Well it's too big.  The last time I wore it my friend jokingly teased me that it was ready to fall off.   I can wear this through the end of April - at least I kept telling myself that.  I put it on this morning.  I wanted so much to be able to wear it....but I just could not.  I look sloppy in it now.  The neckline is huge - soon I could be wearing it off the shoulder!     So I wadded it up and put it in the trash (it's been worn too much to donate it).  It would be an NSV if I didn't hate shopping so much.  Now I HAVE to shop because I now have one less work outfit.

The scale finally moved down.  -1 more, making 22 pounds in 11 weeks.  Whoohoo!