ANewDayforRose

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I'm 270 today.  Up and down, but never lower than 269.  I am premenstrual.  Another week and then I hope to show another 'chunk' loss (3-5 pounds as I have done in past months).  

I'm taking a break from the lap-band board I think.  I say that now.  I don't know if I've changed, or the board has changed, but I no longer find it inspiring.  The only posts are rants, complaints, or anxiety-ridden.  Have all the positive posters gone to the 'grads' board?  I don't know.  It could be that I'm no longer a newbie and therefore everything is no longer new and exciting to me.  Could be.  

I've spent the morning trying to find new inspiration for myself.  I need something to feed my weight loss journey.  I went back to the WW boards looking for Ladegodyva's page.  Found it, book marked it.  She's incredible - losing well over 150 pounds and kept it off for 4 years.  That's inspiring to me.  I also found some other websites that may or may not be inspiring (theweightlosscafe.com).  Maybe something else will pop up for me in the next few weeks.

I have no clothes to wear that fit and I absolutely detest shopping.  I bought a couple things online, one fits, but I feel 'exposed' in it, and the other is too snug.  It's probably not too snug, but I'm just not used to clothes that are not like tents.  When I was 5 pounds lighter than I am now just a few short years ago (and again in my 30s) I actually felt sexy!  Haha.  Where has that feeling gone?  It has to be all mental.  I'm not in that mental state any longer apparently.  

Paul McKenna used EFT a few episodes back and I've really been quite intrigued by it.  There is so much more to it than what Paul McKenna presented on his program.  I hope I can use it for weight loss and for other areas of my life.  

Well apparently I'm just rambling away today.  I took Thurs and Friday off from work, so I'm very aware that this is my last day before I go back to work.  Clothes....I gotta get my clothes in order.  How I dread it. 

My clothes are too baggy.  Today I bagged up some clothes and took them to the donation center, then I went and got a pedicure.  The clothes I'm wearing today are very baggy and I felt terribly un-sexy, frumpy.  And that feeling just began to gather momentum and soon I felt old, and I wondered if this weight loss thing (the band) will actually work for me, and I wondered why I thought this would work when I have no will power to change my life, etc...and it all the thoughts culminated with me buying ice cream.  *&%#@#!!!!    But the good news is that as I ate it right out of the container - after a bit (a good bit, but not a huge bit) I had to put my spoon down for fear I'd puke.  I tossed the rest in the trash.  (Good girl!) So I DO have a band, and it is working.  

This band thing is so much more than just not eating too much.  This band thing really has to be about a lifestyle change, thought change, behavior change.  This band can help, but it's not going to make me exercise and it's not going to make me not let my thoughts roll down hill gaining momentum until it reaches  that 1/2 gallon of ice cream at the bottom!  How do I do the rest?

I just spent the last half hour going through my blog and marking in the daily titles when I lost.  It felt like a long time since the scale moved down - and it has been!  The last time the scale moved down was Mar 31.  In the last 11 days the scale has gone as high as 274 and back down to 269.  It changes daily.  It's not the numbers that I want to see, I want to see a TREND.  A downward trend.  But quicker.  I went back to tracking my intake on thedailyplate.com.  I need the accountability. 

Since I've stopped tracking my food  I've noticed a bad trend.  First I started eating 2 wasa crackers at lunch instead of one.  Just 60 calories....no big deal.  Then I started noticing that my dinner was taking longer and longer.  I'd finish and then think 'how about a wasa cracker with margarine'...yum.  Maybe another.  And how about a sugar free pudding on top of that...I'm not 'full'.  Suddenly dinner was taking way longer than 30 minutes.  How quickly we slide back into familiar patterns.  And funny how wasa crackers are now my new vice!

So I either have to back to tracking my intake, or I have to make a more conscious effort to remember the band rules.  Or even the Paul McKenna rules - eat when you are truly hungry, stop when you are not, and eat consciously!

I went to my support group this morning.  I forced myself to go.  My mood is a bit low today.  Of course because of my mood, I didn't really feel inspired by the meeting.  I don't know why I force myself to do things.  Part of me thinks that I should do these things just to get the routine down, but the other part of me thinks I should have stayed in bed.  At this support group there were no other lap-banders (and really there is only one other, and she was smarter than me and stayed home today!)  There are differences between lap-banders and RNY-ers, but the basic  issue is the same.  We all came to the conclusion that we needed surgical intervention to our obesity.  For that reason alone I can look at all of them and say 'I know you'.    We also are all brave enough to admit we need surgical intervention, and are either pre-op or post-op.  

Since the surgery I've wondered if the lap-band was indeed the best choice for me.  I think it was, but I also have come out of the clouds enough to realize there are issues with the band, just as there are issues with any other surgery.  But I digress...at today's meeting they were mentioning that after the RNY some foods may or may not agree with you and you vomit alot because of that and some people really struggle the  first few months out.    Hmmm....well for that alone I guess I'm glad I went the lap-band route!      I guess it reassured me a little in my choice/insistance at having the band instead of the RNY.    Of course that wasn't the reason why I chose the lap-band, but  it reassured me nonetheless.  Okay why did I insist on the band?  Well really two reasons that really were not based in fact, but more in fear.  I was afraid of having a leak post-op and dying, and I was afraid of having osteoporosis in 20 years.  Now that I've seen lots of RNY-ers I see that both those fears were really not based in fact.   Yes both can happen, but the statistics are low (well I dunno about the osteoporosis - but still....more based in fear than in fact.)

Over the winter I order some plants for spring.  They came yesterday!  Too early!  I didn't expect them so soon.  So I'm going to go out and rake out the flower beds and see if I can figure out where they will go.  I hope it doesn't snow again.  I think last night it went in the 20s.  I think I might just keep them in the sun room for another week.  Hope they don't die off before they get planted.

It's more than just food and eating, it's really about habits and lifestyle.  I've been getting more and more relaxed around food since the surgery.  This past week I've fallen back into the habit of making breakfast and eating it as I drive.  Yes you read that correctly.  (Mostly at red lights. )    This morning I had a near miss - not with a car - but with getting stuck!  I took a huge bite of egg white omelet with ff cheese and chewed a few times and without thinking swallowed some of it.  Oh f*ck.  I finished the bite.  I stopped and waited about 5 minutes before trying more,  and ate my oatmeal too.  About 10 minutes in - I felt that first bite go through the band.  I've had twinges before, this was stronger.  I was thankful that I was not more tightly filled.  I think I was salivating more too, but wasn't sure.  Once I felt all that I stopped eating and went into work.  Luckily that was all that happened.  

My lifestyle needs to change.  C'mon....eating breakfast in the car?? 

Am I thin yet?

I'm retaining water(ovulating part of my cycle), so the scale is up a couple pounds and my fingers and face feel 'puffy'.    I would love to be one of those people that lose consistently on the scale.  But I'm not.  I lose in chunks.  I guess my disappointment is that I wonder if the 'chunk' I lost is it for the month!  Maybe the scale won't go down again for another 2 weeks.   It's possible.  I know it will show up eventually.  

My immediate goals are to 1) be below 265 (I was this weight 3 years ago just after my gb came out.  And it was a pretty consistent weight in my 30s); and 2) to be in the 250s.  I haven't been there since my late 30s.  It seems like it's taking FOREVER!     It's been 9.5 weeks since the surgery.  At my first visit at the bariatric center I weighted 300, so I'm actually down 31 pounds since the end of August.  I seem to negate that fact.  

So I just have to focus on the rules - 3 meals (and one snack) - eat when hungry, stop when not.  No drinking with meals (I got this one down).  And chew chew chew (I'm pretty good at that too.)  The weight will go down.  (And yes some day I WILL incorporate more exercise into my life). 

Just worthy of a note, nothing I am alarmed at.  The band just brings so many new sensations.  

On the message board there is so so so much anxiety about getting stuck, 'bandster hell' (I hate that phrase), revision, erosion, fills and unfills, and everything else!  Over the last 2 months I have gradually relaxed about it all.  I occasionally have twinges as food goes through my band.  I think it's from not chewing well enough.  Occasionally I'll be eating and swallow and say to myself 'did you chew?', so I know it's very easy to revert to mindless or distracted eating.  

On Sunday I made some chicken breasts and ate one.  This must have been my first one without using a gravy or a sauce??  I can't really remember.  But the food kind of got backed up in my throat.  I used to get this before I was banded, that's what drinking with meals is for, right?  So I waited for it to move and it didn't and I started to get a little worried so I did go get some water and take a couple of sips and it began to move again.  Lesson learned I thought, I'll make sure I use a sauce or a gravy from now on.  

Well I made chicken salad and took it to work with me.  Same thing, backed up feeling in my throat.  I did not drink, it did move fairly quickly.  All was fine.  Except....later in the afternoon I had a 'pain' or twinge in my chest.  Like I had a gas bubble.  It came and went.  I noticed I was a lot less hungry yesterday too.  But then I did get hungry and had a snack at 4:30.  About 6:30 that gas bubble feeling returned.  Weird.  

I've had chicken before so I'm confused by this.  But....have I had chicken since my fill?  Hmmm.  Well my plan is to have chicken salad for lunch again today.  I'm going to water it down some with some milk to make it a little more mushy and less thick and see if that helps.  

And last night as I was going to bed I noticed some achiness/twinges around my port.  Not pain, but I noticed it.    So I don't know what all this about.  It's worth noting, but not worth worrying.  Everything is new and I don't know what it all means yet.

Down 2 more pounds this morning.  21 pounds in 9 weeks.  Sometimes this feels very slow, but it is 2.33 pounds a week on average, which is actually very good in my eyes.  So what I feel and what is real, are not necessarily the same things.  Something to try to remember.    

Since my fill (about a week ago) I've stopped tracking my food intake in thedailyplate.com.  It's been an experiment of sorts.  Instead, I've been focusing on eating 3 meals a day and snacks if I need them.  Generally I've been having a snack about 4 p.m. each day in addition to the three meals.  (The late afternoon snack means I don't eat dinner until 7:30 ish, which keeps me full until bed).  For my meals I have a fruit or vegetable at each meal, and protein and/or dairy.  Well this plan seems to be working for me.  It's taken the obsession with food and tracking away, and I feel like I'm eating healthy and the scale is moving downward.  I'll keep it up for another week and see how I do.  I do not think I could have done this straight out.  I needed the structure and the reassurance from thedailyplate.com to verify that I was eating enough AND not eating too much and getting good nutrition.  Basically I'm eating the same stuff as I was when I was tracking. 

Down another pound - that makes 19 pounds since the day of surgery (almost 9 weeks ago).  I was up when I went in for my fill, so I've dropped a good chunk this week.  I hope I continue to have good weeks.  Five more weeks until my next fill and I"m hoping to go in there with a good loss.  I'm so competetive and/or have such a need for people to feel like I did a good job (always want to be the golden child) that this is what spurs me on.