ANewDayforRose

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My brother is in town for a wedding so we had a family get-together at another brother's house.  Pizza, wings, cake.  I haven't had any pizza or wings since the surgery, but tonight I had 2 chicken wings, a slice of pizza, and half my little piece of cake.  It all went down just fine and no getting stuck.  So apparently I can eat anything....and I'm okay with that!  Now the food  certainly was not diet food, but heck I would have easily eaten double that without the band!  And when I got home I would have eaten more.  Right now I'm still full.    I am very thirsty though.  I don't like how thirsty pizza makes me.  

So there is no signal that the band is there, I don't get pain or nausea or anything like that, but I do chew, chew, chew and maybe just the act of that stops me from eating so much?   Or maybe the band is really doing it.  It's so hard to tell.  But before my fill I was gorging, so I guess I am going to attribute it to the band, but it is a subtle presence.  But again....I"m okay with that!   

I am so pleased though that I've had two celebration meals this week and both times I had what was served but in moderate portions.  This was unheard of for me before the band.  That is just so momentous for me!  I love my band!

I don't know how people work and still find the energy to exercise.  I'm exhausted when I get home.  I guess my next step would be to think about exercising before work. ((shudder))  

So for all my excitement this weekend, I've done no exercise.  (I did have to walk some people around the institution on Tuesday....but I never really count that, and feel like I'm pushing it by even considering it.)

Eating is going well.  I'm eating 3 meals and one snack.  I feel in control.

When I went on solid foods 3 weeks ago, I went up 2 pounds and it stayed.  Then about a week before my fill I gorged on food and the scale went higher.  I got my fill Friday.  Today I weighed back in at 273 (back where i was when I went on solids).  Whew.  That feels like success!

I also exercised with demandfitness.com....another success!

Then I had dinner at my sister's.  I was careful and watched my intake.  About 2/3 c of easter bunny soup (cream of carrot), 2-3 oz of ham, about 1/3 c of mashed potatoes, 1 asparagas stalk (haha...woudn't want to overdo!) - half a roll.  I noticed for the first time I think that no one else was really overeating.  My skinny 16 year old nephew ate about 1.5 c of mashed potatoes and that was all.  I wondered if all the other times I had holiday meals with them that they noticed how much I was eating?  Eeek.  Then the desserts came.  Again...no one really overate, some didn't have any at all (the skinny boys).  I had a small slice of lemon pie, small slice of black forrest cake.  I was worried about this.  I was eating and I was wondering if I had just been dieting the last couple of days or was it the band.  Then suddenly about half way through the cake I had the sense that if I took another bite I would throw up.  And I stopped.  And the nausea passed, and it was glorious!!  I didnt overeat and it was a holiday meal!!!  I had a clear sense of 'ENOUGH'.  A first.  A huge first. 

Well I found a new website - www.demandfitness.com.  They offer streaming videos of workouts.  They also have an online community and - and this is what I really like on top of everything else - there is a section call 'want more guidance?' and they offer fitness plans for 'get moving', 'beginning weight loss', 'strength training', and 'advanced weight loss.'  The plan is what I need!  So I'm going to do the 'get moving' plan - 8 weeks.  Love it.  Day 1 is 20 min of aerobics and 10 minutes of stretching.  Ha I say to myself I can do that PLUS a yoga video.  Ha I say to that!  I'm so out of shape.  I did the Day 1 videos....I don't think I'll be doing more today.    The mind is a funny funny thing (delusions!)....  but it's our actions that count when it comes to exercise and eating.  

I realized something today - I've been nervous about getting my fluids in so I wait the hour after a meal and then I drink.  Today though right after I drank I was suddenly hungry and I thought - aren't I defeating the purpose of the band if I"m drinking an hour after and flushing the food through?  So after lunch I decided to wait longer, and I stayed full longer.  I think I want to do everything so 'right' that I lost the point.  I was doing the water thing in reverse I think.  If I'm thirsty I will drink after an hour, but if I'm not, I will wait and then drink right before I eat again.  I'm going to pay attention to this and see if this works better for me. 

Well I got my first fill today.  My appointment was at 11:30 - they called me in at 12:25.  Isn't that ridiculous??  But I was a compliant patient and waited quietly in the very hot crowded waiting area reading my Oprah mag.  I took quiet satisfaction in another's patient's irritation.  He did not fight with the receptionist as I had done previously, he just cursed loud enough for me to hear and stormed away.  Unfortunately this center has a monopoly in the area, if you want surgery this is where you have to go.  Once they get some real competition they will have clean up their act. 

So back to my fill.  I was nervous.   She put 2 cc's in, bringing me up to 5 cc's (they put in 3 during surgery).  Was I feeling it in my throat or was this just my nerves?  I couldn't tell.  I had a sensation in my throat.  I went back to work.  I was still pretty nervous about it - there are some horror stories of people not being able to keep down their own saliva.  My throat felt tight, my swallowing was different.  I was sipping down coffee and in 3.5 hours I only got down about 8 oz.  But really going down with no trouble.  

Can I say (without jinxing myself) that I love this feeling?  I have a sense of calmness about not being ravenously hungry.  I'm not hungry.  I have no real desire to eat.  The cravings are gone.  I'm back to how I was just after surgery.  Nice.  I feel thinner already! 

I'm enduring the days until my fill.  I hope to god that that is the answer!  I'm starting to wonder if I'm just a failure at this.  I know that that just can't be true.  I'm shoveling food into my mouth like I did pre-band.  Shoveling.  Why???  Actually I don't think why really matters.  What matters is that it's happening.  The why part is a much longer process.  My behavior is what needs to be curtailed, the emotions can be sorted out over time.

Just after surgery I was not able to eat more than 1 cup of food (sometimes less) - I would HAVE to stop.  I didn't like it, but I did it.  Now there is nothing that stops me.  I've even forgotten about chewing chewing chewing.  I got a couple twinges tonight that reminded me...oh yeah...I had SURGERY and now have a band around my stomach.  But that didn't stop me, just slowed me down.  All my bad bad eating behavior is in full force.  I feel embarrassed writing it out, because afterall it is a secret.  No one has seen me do it - although I think my size is a dead giveaway.  

So I'm going to try not to chastize myself too severely (except to say that I should have accepted the fill 3 weeks ago when I had the opportunity!!!!)  Friday is the day.  I hope it's the answer.

(I posted this on the OH board this morning):

Well it's the beginning of another new day.  Last night I watched 'I can make you thin' - I had DVRd it from Sunday.  I liked it!  I like anything that re-energizes me to my goals.  I'm looking forward to the next show where he is supposed to give techniques on emotional eating.  On the promos they show the audience doing some tapping on themselves.  When my sister was seeing a therapist a few years back, he taught her what looks like the same tapping technique.  I can't remember what it was supposed to do - but I think it helps diffuse an emotion.   Well since the lap-band the emotional triggers for eating have been so apparent to me, so I'm all for learning a new technique to deal with it.   What else I liked about it was the idea of eating only what you want to eat.  I had to think about that.  Do I?  Most of the time yes, but it is a scary thought because I guess I'm afraid of losing control.  I think having that ability to stop when full would have to be a necessary component to that.   This week I'm struggling a bit with food.  I think it's time for a fill and that is scheduled for Friday.  Until then I'm going to focus on Paul McKenna's techniques (eat when hungry, eat consciously, eat what I want, stop when full) and the band rules (which remarkably are very similar). 

I'll get a fill on Friday.  Today I'm just trying to have liquids because of all the crap I ate yesterday.  It was ugly.  UGly.

This blog is not intended to be just about the positives, so I'm going blog the bad - or the bad for me.  Yesterday I ate too much.  The day before that I ate too much.  This morning I woke up lusting after donuts.  I actually went on a junk food run.  I'm embarrassed to admit that, but I did.  The donuts didn't look that good and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to eat them anyway.  I did buy some cheese quiche and some quaker cheese rice thingys, and some cadbury caramel eggs.  And two lottery tickets!!!!    So the junk food run wasn't THAT bad, but bad enough.  Then I got home and found that I just didn't want to eat until I was sick.  I had a little of all.  So I don't think I'll have low calories today, but at least it's not as bad as I expected when I decided to go to the store for junk food.    So maybe, just maybe the band helped here.  Maybe the band is for helping when we can diet, and helping when we can't?  I'm dissapointed that I've taken this detour.  I'm sure part of it is needing a fill.  But of course the majority of this is just poor skills, poor habits, poor history with food and emotions and everything else.    But this is a journey - an adventure - not a destination. 

Okay I can honestly say now 'I need a fill'.  I'm such a weirdo or control freak or whatever that I couldn't just take a fill when the NP said I could have one.  I had to decide for myself I needed one.  Since I went onto solid foods my calories have been up and I've had cravings.  I was thinking it was because I had introduced grains/crackers into my diet.  So I've been paying attention to see if it's head hunger or physical hunger.  Tonight I made some chicken breasts with chipotle salsa and ff cheese on it.  I took a half a breast.  Then I went back for the other half.  Then I had some special k snacky thing (90 calores) then I had a protein bar and a 4oz yogurt.    That's a lot of food.  And it's a lot more than I would have been able to physically handle a month ago.  Head hunger says eat it, but the band (a month ago) said stop, and I would.  The band is not saying stop.  My head finally said stop, well it was my head in combination with me feel full/satisfied.  Not full like I just ate a pizza full, just full enough to stop eating.  So the tally for today's calories (so far) is 1600.  That's alot more than I have been eating a couple weeks ago.  I thought at first I would wait until after Easter to get a fill because I don't know what it's going to be like afterward and I don't want to be having problems at my sisters for easter dinner.  But I think I'm going to call Monday and see if I can get in next week.