ANewDayforRose

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I really like my support group!  I went this morning and really enjoyed it.  I hope I continue with this group a long time.  

Well my back has continued to bother me.  Last night I was getting some sciatic pain in both legs.  I took some tylenol and of course it did nothing.  This morning I was still having pain, but the sciatric pain was gone, but don't want it coming back.  I've been afraid to use ibuprofen (which was prescribed in the past for my back) because of all the warnings from fellow bandsters, but I bought some children's liquid motrin and this morning I took a dose (a child's dose) with some milk.  I'm sure it passed quickly through the band.  And....relief!!!!!!!  omg it was heavenly.  

I'm sick of what I've been eating so I joined some recipe groups on yahoo.  I'm hoping it gives me some ideas of what to make instead of my standard meals. 

I ate a crappy dinner - wasa crackers and hummus.  And too many.  Oh and 2 sf fudgsicles.  I tracked it.  Alot of fiber, I will probably pay for this tomorrow.  I'm sick of the foods I've been eating.  Before the surgery this would have been a pizza night, or a candy night, or some other junk food night.  So wasa crackers and hummus is actually a step up.  But still I'm not happy with it.  My back is still bothering me so I have not been back to Curves since Monday.  I did do some stretching yesterday, but nothing today.  Maybe everyone struggles with the end of the work week?  I know that I've noticed before the surgery that I can start the work week with good intentions but by mid week it's all crap.      The surgery was not a magic bullet, unfortunately.  It didn't instantaneously change my life.   I think I put a lot of stock in the surgery and what effect it would have on my life.  It's still the day to day stuff that is the drag.  I still have to plan my meals in order to be successful, I need to exercise and my back still rebels.  Not unhappy with the surgery, far from it.  I'm very proud of myself for doing it.  It's a statement if nothing else.  The statement is "I want to change my life and I'm going to make it happen."

So today I had yet another incident where I harshly criticized myself.  Anohter incident where my temper flared and I felt I was too quick to verbalize it.  A silly incident.  But I don't remember having these before the surgery.  I held my tongue then.  Since the surgery I'm finding it difficult.  I don't like this.  It goes against my view of myself.  I consider myself to be kind, loving, gentle, accepting.  This is what I want to be anyway.  And when I don't feel this way I hold my tongue for the most part.  Since the surgery....not so much!!!  It disturbs me.  ~ Several years ago this woman in my old department had RNY.  She was not well-liked in the dept to begin with (although at the time I did).  She had/has a habit of exaggerating the truth or making it fit her needs if you know what I mean.  Anyway she told everyone she was having her gb out, but everyone knew she was having the bypss.  When she came back she was even more disliked.  Her personality changed.  She was no longer a funny person.  And the people in the dept that didn't like her were quick to say things like 'with the surgery they must have taken out her personality too'.  She received some harsh treatment (although I'm not sure it was all unwarranted).  Anyway....now I've had wls and I wonder too....do people notice a change in me too?  I notice a whole level of bitchiness that I didn't notice before.  I didn't want or expect that the surgery would turn me into a bitch.  Maybe this IS part of the surgery fall out.   Some personality quirk that was hiding under the surface suddenly bursts forth - a personality boil. 

Restriction really IS subjective to what you are eating!  Tonight I was so hungry and feeling a little rebellious so Iate TWO servings of crustless pizza (meat, ff cheese, sauce) and 2 wasa crackers.  I now have that feeling in the back of my throat - I ate too much.  Now I think a couple things are going on - I did eat a little more than usual (I would have had one serving and a veggie and 1/4 c of couscous), but I I'm full (too full, but still full) and I think it's because I ate more solid protein than normal.  BUT....honestly pre-band this was nothing.  I could eat 1/2 of a Little Caesar's pizza without even realizing it.  So there is restriction.  Ive been feeling like it wasn't working like it was - but really I think 1) I was healing and 2) I've gotten used to eating smaller portions.  

My back is hurting today from Curves yesterday. 

My mood has definately improved!!!!  Whoohoo!  I spent the day laughing and working.   The last couple of weeks I've spent my days sighing or being pissed off and not being able to concentrate.  So this is so nice.  Maybe the St. John's Wort kicked in, or maybe my mood just lifted on its own, don't know, and don't care, as long as it's better.  

I went to Curves tonight after work (another sign that my mood has improved).  There is something to be said for peer pressure.  When I'm at home and exercising I've been stopping at about 20 minutes!  I've had no stamina at all.  Well at Curves I feel tired at 20 minutes, but the peer pressure gets me to finish the whole 30 minutes.  So my goal now is to continue to build my stamina and whenever my Curves membership runs out (end of April or May) I'll re-join the Y.  

I've been thinking yet again that it's time for me to go back to school and start a second career.  But this is where I always get stuck - what to study?  I want to be in Arizona.  I've loved AZ since the first time I saw it.  That was almost 29 years ago and the love affair continues.   How can I get there before I officially retire?  I keep thinking I need to learn a service skill so that I can 1) be in demand and 2) schedule my own hours.  But I don't like to touch people as in massage or acupuncture ,  so I feel really at a loss, but the desire keeps returning.

I feel like I'm eating alot....but the calories don't prove that out, so I'm not sure if I need a fill or not.  Still observing. 

I had a little bit of a mental shift yesterday and today.  Maybe the funk is starting to lift.  The shift was back to 'me'.  My life has been so focused on the surgery and recovery and learning how to eat, etc. that I've lost 'me'.  Remember who you were/are?  Oh her....I remember her.  Well she re-appeared a bit yesterday and today and life was not just about meals and chewing properly and timing my bites, and the constant worrying about doing it right.  

Today I started doing an exercise video with a band...about 5 minutes into the aerobic portion I just decided to do stretching with the band and bag the video and it was fun.  So I counted it as 20 minutes of stretching.  I'm planning on going back to Curves tomorrow after work.

I ordered some clothes online.  What a relief.  

I've been hungry today (but it's not really bothered me enough to eat more).  I've been trying to figure out if I need a fill.  It's 9 p.m. and I've only eaten about 900 calories, so I may have been hungry today because I'm not eating enough at meals.  I dunno.  I put food on my plate that looked like enough, I chewed it slowly and thoroughly and after 20 minutes I wasn't feeling hungry.  But 2 hours later I was hungry.  Does that mean I need a fill or does that mean I should have eaten more at my meals?  When I had my appt last Thursday I told the NP I didn't think I needed a fill.  Now I do????

This morning I made an egg white and ff cheese omelet.  It's the first one I've had since the surgery and I missed them!  I was nervous about eating it because some bandsters have a hard time with eggs, but it was just fine.  And lovely.  And it felt good.

I then went to Curves!  Yeah for me!!  I joined last May, went for a while, stopped, went once in November, and haven't been back.  So since I'm paid up through the end of April or May  I decided to bite the bullet and go back.  It wasn't so bad.  I found myself getting annoyed/irritated and I just had to put the brakes on that kind of thinking!  I KNOW that thoughts can be controlled and trained.  I know that happiness can be learned and so can being miserable.  Most of the time I think of myself as happy and content.  These last few weeks though have been tough.  I'm not sure what made me go down this very negative path - it could be the loss of food as a substitue friend, lover, comforter, soother - , but I have to make a conscious decision to stop!   So I stopped myself in that one moment at Curves.  So that was also a victory.   I'm only reporting on all of this because I do think it's part of the weight loss journey.  Emotional eating is what got me here.  The journey out of that is important to note. 

So again today my mood is low.  I am battling depression.    I'll win.  But today it was a draw.  I'm still taking the St. John's Wort.  It's only been a week....should I try a different med from the doctor??  I'll give the SJW another week.    So of course this is all related to the surgery, and to what caused me to overeat and become fat to begin with.  I have to learn new coping skills.  And too - this has been a long process of getting the surgery and it's over now.  Perhaps there is a let down phase as well.  I'm happy with the surgery and happy that I'm losing.  But well....now my clothes are all too big so I feel sloppy looking.  (How often do I have to buy a new wardrobe?)  And I'm just feeling in-between.  I'm a fat woman who has no comfort from food.  I'm not a thin woman who looks to exercise or whatever for comfort.  I'm not a thin woman yet.  I'm a thin woman in the making.  And it's the transition that is always difficult.  

I ate dinner tonight and got heartburn.  Did I eat too fast?  Did I eat too much?  It makes me sigh....I don't know all the answers, I don't know what causes this sensation or that because it's all new.  

Okay the good news??  Well my calories are back to their normal low self.  No more crackers in the house!

Icky day.  Tired.  Irritable.  I think I'm a really irritable person...I think it is my core temperment.  Someone said to me today 'you are always so pleasant.'  and I thought ~really?  How can anyone think that of me...I must hide my inner self to most people, cuz when I'm irritable I'm really irritable!  I mean some days everyone is annoying and everyone is stupid.  And today was one of those days.  I had a follow up appointment at the bariatric center.  I was really nervous about it after the last appt (and the drama there).  They took me in pretty quick (I wondered if there was a red flag on my chart).  The NP was so enthusiastic about my weight loss (and I wondered if she was sincere....why am I so cynical?  why am I so freaking irritable today?)  She said 'you're losing at the same rate as a gastric bypass!'  I told her I didn't think I needed a fill and she said to just call when I wanted one and she get me right in.  Then I met with the dietician.  She was not as enthusiastic.  In fact the best she said was 'you're doing okay'. Okay??  I'm doing great!  What do you mean I'm doing okay??  She said that with lap-band you don't lose as fast as the bypass.  Ummm....yeah I know.   I've lost 17 pounds in 5.5 weeks.  That's terrific in my eyes.    I kind of felt like she thought the lap-band was the runner up prize in a  weight loss contest.   Second best.   So after a few minutes of talking to her I realized she had nothing in her mind I wanted to hear and just heard the droning of her voice and wished she would finish talking so I could leave.  So how's that for a pleasant visit?  I really don't think of myself as a negative person - but dang when I get in a rut I'm really entrenched.  

So tonight I'm struggling with the urge to eat mindlessly.  I had some bagel chips....I finally got up and threw the rest away!  What are you doing??  I obviously cannot handle food that doesn't come in a set portion size.  (And they have too much fat/calories for the little they fill you.)  I'm swearing off this kind of food.  I'll eat oatmeal for whole grains...the crackers and bagel chips not good for me.   I ordered some Wasa crackers online (my grocery store doesn't carry them anymore). Hopefully they are something I can handle without eating too much of them. 

So far this week I have kept to the block of time (6-6:30) for exercise.  I'm not exercising 30 minutes yet, but I am making it the time for exercise.  Yeah for me.  The downside of that is that my muscles are sore and I've been waking up with a backache in the morning.  

I cut down on the grains (i.e. crackers) during the day and I did much better Tuesday and Wed as far as craving any sweets.  However...  well tonight walking from my office to the parking garage ...such a very long walk (about 7 minutes at my snail's pace walking) I just felt exhausted.  I hate feeling that way during this walk.  So I'm tired.  Yawning too.  And then the parking garage gates...omg!!!  I pull up to the gate, the bar does not raise, I put the car in reverse, back up a few feet, put the car in drive pull up...the bar doesn't raise...I put the car in reverse pull back a couple feet...the bar rises...I put the car in drive and by the time I get back to the gate it drops again....Ughhhhh!  So my temper flares and I honk my horn and bitch at the toll booth woman, do the whole damn backing up and forward again because she says she can't manually override it....and finally I'm out of the freaking garage!!!  But now I'm pissed on top of being tired.  And I'm pissed the whole drive home, and pissed at home, and just feeling miserable.  And I want to eat junk food!!!  And then there are the wheat thins.  Will this box ever empty???  Well it did tonight.  I ate four servings of wheat thins.  And then decided to take a nap.  I've already ruined the evening by eating like this, take a nap.  So I'm up now.  I faced the music and put the wheat thins into mydailyplate.com.  I'm okay as far as calories.  So despite my slip up, I'm okay.  It is a reminder to me though that I'm still a fat person, and I still eat like a fat person. 

Well for the first time since the surgery I've had cravings.  I craved candy.  And on my way home from work I stopped at the drugstore and bought 2 caramel cadbury eggs.  Ate one immediately, and ate the second when I got home.  What the hell??  340 calories.  But besides that....why??  Why am I suddenly craving sweets??  I added crackers into my diet on Saturday. On Monday I'm CRAVING candy.  Coincidence???  But now what do I do with that?  Is it healthy not to have grains in the diet?