ANewDayforRose

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So I'm eating solid foods.  I'm chewing up a storm because I"m so afraid I'm going to get stuck.  So after lunch I felt like I had food up to my throat and decided that I must have overeaten.  I had 1/2 c of mashed cauliflower; 3 bagel chips with 1/4 c of refried beans and 1 slice of fat free cheese.  That could have been too much.  It was probably a cup of food.  Probably too much.  Four hours later I was hungry so I had a snack.  1/2 c apple sauce, 15 wheat thins and a wedge of laughing cow.  Again....maybe too much??  I don't know.  I've not been eating any crackers since surgery.  This is a new addition.  So now again I have a feeling in the back of my throat.  But wait a second....is it too full, or could it be the muscles in my neck from chewing for so long?????    If that's the case I feel better about it.  The idea that I'm overeating really really bothers me.  I'll have to watch and see what happens.  I've eaten less than 700 calories today so far.  That seems odd that that would be too much, but of course we are measuring volume and not calories. 

Well I ordered a book from Amazon and it came Friday.  The Emotional First Aid Kit by Cynthia L. Alexander, PsyD.  I wish I had read it sooner!  It's not mind blowing or anything, but it has a couple of tid-bits in there that are worth the read.  Page 54:  You will feel a heightened sense of anxiety when you cannot eat the foods you used to love or must stop after a couple of bites.  Hmmmm....if I had read that before the surgery do you think it would have helped me deal with the emotions and anxiety I've been feeling these last few weeks?  I don't know - I will never know the answer to that, but when I read it I thought - GEEZ I wish I had read this before the surgery.  

Page 101 - It takes about 6 months for exercise to become a habit.  Also a good piece of information.  

Page 97 - The 5 minute rule - designed to use in motivational emergencies.     You can tell yourself that you will exercise for 5 minutes and if for some reason you cannot continue after that 5 minutes, at least you made the initial effort. But of course once you get into it  you will probably stick with it.

And it talked about setting a time in the schedule as the exercise time.  I ike this and not sure why I hadn't identified this on my own.  After work I'm going to designate 6-6:30 as exercise time.  At least that will be my plan for this week. 

I've been scared to move on to solid foods.  I could have called the dietician to ask when I should move on, but I was afraid she would say 'now' and I was nervous about it.  (It's been almost 5 weeks since the surgery).  My appointment is Thursday.  I have had a couple of non-pureed things - I had a cadbury caramel egg this week, and I've had some grape nuts flakes.  So today I decided this was it. I was going to buy food at the store that didn't need to be pureed down.  I bought some wheat-thins and south beach bars and a rotissarie chicken.  I ate 3 oz of chicken without pureeing....I was askeerd.  But it was fine.  Then I had some wheat thins.  Then I had a south beach bar.   And I was fine.  Uh-oh....am I now eating MORE than I would be if I had pureed a meal??  Is it because it's carbs??  I added the calories for the day and I'm okay.  I'm a little hungry now.  I may eat something or I may just go to bed.  Not sure yet.  I am hoping that now I can have a normal diet.  I'm missing fruit (other than applesauce)  and starches (like the wheat thins).  Maybe things ('restriction') will be different with non-pureed foods.  I've not been able to eat a lot at one sitting.  But tonight eating it seemed way too easy.  Is it just because it's not as dense as pureed food?  

What an adventure this is!  I'm feeling smaller.  I'm liking it. 

Exercise.  What is an acceptable reason not to exercise?  This week I did none.  NONE.  I haven't been sleeping well so a few days this past week I slept after work and would wake up at 10 p.m. - and then that just too late to exercise and then I was back to bed too late, waking up too early and starting the whole process again.   And Thursday I didn't get home from work until after 7 p.m.   I don't know if these are acceptable reasons?  And who am I making these excuses to anyway?  The bottom line is that I didn't exercise.  I'm not sure it would have been feasible to exercise this week given my interrupted sleep and my work schedule.  But....the bottom line is I didn't exercise at all.  I'm not going to change my body, change my life, if well...I don't change my life!  The old adage 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results' applies here!  I've BEEN doing this with the no exercise.  And I've BEEN agonizing over it.  This IS my familar pattern.  Agonizing over it doesn't make it better, doesn't make it happen, and it's not a free pass - well if you feel bad, then it's okay - NOT.    This has got to go up on the Vision Board, because I don't know how to make it happen.  I can't formulate a plan to deal with weeks like this past one.  This is a mental block.  TamifromAL said on her blog that when she first started exercising (or thinking about exercsing) that when she passed the gym she would say "I love this place".  I have to do that too.  I have to get myself to believe I love exercise,  That's what's going on my Vision Board.  I love to exercise. 

So I continue to adjust to life with the band.  This week I've been a little less organized with my food.  I took tuna to work Monday and Tusday.   I'm now out of tuna and I haven't cooked the chicken frozen in the freezer.  So I made what I have been having for dinner - 2 small turkey meatballs, 1/4 c of ricotta and a 1/4 cup of sauce.  I'm still pureeing everything.  I can eat this for dinner comfortably.  I took it for lunch and could not eat it all.  It's so frustrating for me.  I don't know why it bothers me so much.  Partly I just don't like not being able to finish my plate.  And because I'm tracking all my food, how do I calculate that??  There is some rigidity in my thinking about this.  So at lunch when I realize (after 2 too many bites) that I'm done and I'm not going to be able to finish it - I think I hate this!  I didn't sign up for this!  Which of course is not true - I did sign up for this!!!!  So there is a mental tug of war. 

Okay, this is not my miracle drug.  It's causing some blurred vision.  The doctor didn't mention this as a side effect, but when I looked it up on the internet it was there.  So I will discontinue it.  Maybe back to St. John's Wort?

Remember that old joke about the man in the flood and he prays for God to save him and the boat comes and says get aboard and the man says no, I've prayed to God and he will save me, and then a helicopter comes, same thing and the man drowns, he gets to heaven and says to God why didn't you save me and God says I sent you a boat and a helicopter!  Well I've been praying for help with my emotions, which have just been so out of whack since the surgery.   My brother called me Friday and mentioned that when he felt the way I was describing that he went on medication.  Well suddenly today the medication seemed like the boat and the helicopter.  So I went to the doctor's today and got some Cymbalta.  Took one when I got home.  Whew.  I feel better already knowing that relief is on the horizon. 

Am I having buyer's remorse???  I've lost 15 pounds in my first 4 weeks, so why am I feeling remorseful?  Is it because I feel like an odd-ball on the OH boards?  All the other people newly banded keep talking about bandster hell or having no restriction and being able to eat anything they want.  I can't!!!  My bandster hell is that I have restriction?  My bandster hell is that if I eat a cup of food I'm uncomfortable??  

My bandster hell is that I'm feeling lost without food!  My bandster hell is that I no longer look forward to eating.  My bandster hell is that I no longer crave food!  However I still have triggers to food like conflict, or anger, or frustration.  So the trigger is there, but I don't want to eat.  Now what, I say to myself.  What do I do with that?  That is my bandster hell.  

My bandster hell is the corresponding anxiety that comes with not eating.  Do I need medication or is this just a transitional thing???  Something else for me to worry about.  My new worry is that I'm anorexic!!!  Hahahahahahaha.  I'm a freak!  Losing weight is triggering all the emotional messages that I received growing up - you need to eat to live; not eating properly will lead to malnutrition, etc.  It's not about starving children in India, it's about nutrition!  You don't want to get rickets, or be sickly, or have cracks in the corners of your mouth (vit Bs), get enough calcium for strong teeth and bones.  The problem with all this in childhood is that what translated was the anxiety!  

[There is also this other fear that is there but I have not really voiced it yet - I fear that losing weight will completely change my life.  I fear that I will leave my job, move, lose my rational self and join an ashram or something.]

I didn't know that all this anxiety would happen - that's my buyer's remorse.  I'm hoping that at 2 months out alot of this anxiety is resolved - if it has to be from medication so be it. 

Down another pound.  (15 pounds in 27 days.)

So I have a perfectionist thing going - or maybe it's a competitive streak.  Anyway I wanted to do the the lapband rules PERFECTLY.  And I thought I was.  But...alas....this past week I've been having some heartburn and that really concerned me.  And I've been doing a lot of burping after I eat (and then I get the heartburn).  Then on Friday I had that pain in my chest (after burping).  Yesterday I got some feedback from an OH friend that burping might mean I'm eating too fast.  Huh??  And then I thought this might have some merit.  Before my surgery I had bought a timer and practiced eating by the timer.  But I haven't done that since the surgery.  I look at the clock periodically while I'm eating, but that's it.  So last night I used the timer and waited at least 1 minute between bites.  I then noticed that I was getting the sense that I wanted to burp, but I don't think it's because I had air in my stomach, I think it's because I was full.      I consciously didn't burp, but also didn't continue to eat.  The sensation passed, and no heartburn.

So all this week I think I've been burping to relieve that pressure, but all along I think it was a full signal.  So I was probably burping that food up into my esophogus and causing the heartburn.  At least that's what I'm thinking today.  I will add that I did not take my vitamin yesterday and I have been wondering if that is part of the problem.  I've been using Centrum chewable.  I bought some Flintstone chewables yesterday.  

A learning process.  I'll be using the timer this week to time my bites. 

I'm down another pound this morning!  This makes 5 pounds in 6 days!  (14 in 26 days).  The scale is so, so very funny. 

Last night my brother called me and asked me how everything was going.  He had gone to a lap-band seminar last night and was going to the gastric bypass seminar in another week or two.  I'm so excited for him, but I also felt scared for him.  I thought it was such a silly response.  I didn't want to sway him one way or the other because there are pros and cons with each surgery.  And I didn't want to push one and then have him be unhappy with his choice.  I realize now how my family must have felt with me making this decision to have the surgery.    This will be life changing for him.  As well as for me!

Last night I also had a weird incident with the band.  I ate my normal less-than-a-cup dinner at 8, took my chewable vitamin.  At 9:30 I made a cup of decaf tea.  I was about 2/3 done with the tea when I notice I was burping an awful lot.  Sometimes I notice this with the vitamin so I'm not sure if that is related.  Then all of a sudden I got  pain in the middle of my chest.  It didn't take my breath away, but it was about a 7 on a scale of 10.  It didn't go away.  I got up and took a gas-x strip and then wondered if this is what 'stuck' is??  I got a heating pad and put it on my chest and watched TV.  It passed in about 10 minutes.  I got up and was back at the computer and it came back, but not as strong.  I went back to the heating pad and fell asleep in the recliner with the cat sleeping on top of the heating pad on my chest.    I woke up about an hour later and went to bed.    So what the heck was that all about??  I posted on the board but only got one response (probably due to the late hour/Friday night).  I wonder if it was some kind of spasm too.   I don't have a gb anymore so it wasn't a gb attack (but it felt similar in some ways).    Hopefully I figure this out and it's nothing, or at least something I can manage.  I think I'll buy a different vitamin and see if that helps.  

I heard the cardinal song again this morning.  How beautiful.  They haven't been singing this song all winter, but I heard it last weekend too.  I wonder if it's a mating song.    I want to hear a mating song for me too!