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Hello again… it’s been way too long… three months of a new job with full time cubicle living does have a tendency to disrupt and open up cracks, letting a few old bad patterns seep in.  Thankfully, it’s drips, not streams, so it’s been about being stuck personally while aggressively sorting out professionally.  Perpetual full snack bowl in the reception area becomes quite the fulcrum in that battle.

As much as we wish otherwise, there’s no easy out for anything worthwhile.  Avoidance typically makes things far worse than just accepting truth, no matter how hurtful or hideous that truth may initially appear.  Look in the mirror and don’t blink or avert.  You may be surprised at what you can actually find, even if you sometimes refuse to look for it.

Yesterday marked one year since my lap band surgery & it’s really quite unreal to grasp where I was to where I am and where I going to be.  I started out 84 ½ lbs ago (yes, progress is back) so uncomfortable & unhealthy  that I knew I had to try something… anything… or things would just get really nasty & exceptionally miserable.  Was able to drop 20 lbs pre-op and doing that got me clear & in the right pattern to maximize the opportunity I was given in getting the band as an added tool.  Too many people, including myself, have thought there’s some sort of magic weight loss wand, whether it’s surgery, pills, injections, drops, weird machines, etc.  Everyone wants that short cut & just wake up healthy, beautiful, and every bit the strange & somewhat delusional ideal our culture seems to demand. 

Sadly, there’s no short cut.  It starts by just getting off the couch, parking numerous rows farther from the store, thinking about & tracking everything that goes into us, and just living the positive change we want ever so badly.  And no matter your commitment, you will inevitably slip & get off track.  Life just will not permit anything else, so getting back on the path becomes the true measure of who we are.  It’s clearly a marathon, not a sprint.  I am over halfway to my eventual goal now, yet I realize that even when I get there, I must continue to fight to maintain my health and enjoy many years to come.  It’s just finally becoming what I do now rather than what I want to but never quite get there fully.  As always, many, many thanks for all the support and I look forward to sharing what my future brings…

OK, been quite too long since I’ve actually written.  Little status updates and workout recaps are nice, but are basically traffic signs on my weight loss journey.  That being said, despite that increased activity, I am in something of a plateau again.  I’ve now lost a total of 77 lbs since struggling to walk a mile outside my apartment 13 months ago.  Yes, it’s a good number and I cannot begin to say how much better I feel & function now than I have in years, but I still want more. 

So, it’s a few more miles on the bike, regardless of 110+ degree days.  It’s into a boxing gym for the first time, punching, moving, and pushing myself to just ache for a couple days after.  It’s 45 minutes on an elliptical, hoping Pandora throws in an “Enter Sandman” or “TNT” to maximize that top interval rate I am looking to hit.  It’s rooting for my lap band role model, George Grossman, proud Boston sports fan, loser of 160+ lbs, and first time entrant in today’s MA stop for the Warrior Dash (check it out www.warriordash.com).  It’s about being a bit more comfortable when someone comments, “Wow, you’re really looking good.”  It’s about staying on track at some level every day, no matter what life throws at me.

22 years ago today, Ltc. John J. Gaudelli passed away at the age of 52.  There is not a single day since that I do not hear his voice, feel his power, and look to source his strength.  Been working on hearing that voice in a better way for a long while now, and I think as I continue my fight back, I am starting to better connect to that confidence, determination, and focus that defined him.  Despite his (and occasionally my) best efforts, I will never be him but I know I am becoming the best version of John A. Gaudelli anyone could ever want…

As I continue down my path, challenges love to just appear and almost taunt me.  We live in a 24/7 world of constant messages of indulge in this, enjoy that, and somehow any possible negative consequences get glossed over, sort of like the disclaimers you get to hear during a prescription drug ad.  And I will be the first to admit I’ve been a strong advocate of “enjoy now, address someday if needed” mindset forever.  That being said, it’s been all about getting that same joy from nourishing, rather than indulging, my body & mind.  Fresh strawberries & fat free pudding become the PM snack rather than ice cream, working out, reading, and writing replace TV, and it just seems to come together.  But… there’s always the next challenge…

I am now down 71 ½ lbs.  Good stuff, but now I get another little battle.  I am on a plane to NJ for a business trip & of course, I made sure to tie in a few days with my mom & sister.  I just do not see them enough and phone & email just does not quite make it.  Being there, though, takes me into that “magical” space of all sorts of amazing food that I just loved yet clearly took me where I was.  Yeah, I am human and I will not entirely ignore Vesuvio’s, Pat’s, or any number of other “hallowed” food icons, but if I do indulge, I will be prepared either before or after with the calorie burn that permits it.  Those thoughts never registered much prior…  nice to be conscious finally…

“Spend the rest of his life gettin back when he can” – Peter Gabriel

In honor of Mother’s Day, wanted to share something a little bit different, yet every bit as relevant to me in my journey back from the limited life & world I managed to create for me.  Even though we attempt to avoid, life still happens, good, bad, momentous, non-descript, everything unfolds & it’s up to each of us to process and move forward best we can.

Almost half my life ago, my family was severely tested when we lost my dad & maternal grandfather in a two month period.  None of our lives would ever be truly the same, but all these years later, as I reflect here today, I cannot be prouder of how my mom grew and emerged from that huge challenge.  Yeah, everything is not ideal, but nothing ever is.  At an age not much older than I am today, my mom faced a very uncertain future with her two barely adult kids trying their best to help and somehow kept things together, moved forward, and has really thrived, blossomed, and truly proved how strong, bright, and amazing she truly is.  I feel truly honored to be her son and there could not possibly be a more appropriate day to share that. 

Getting a bit more engaged in the fight lately and hit a major milestone today…  I have now lost 68.5 lbs.  Yes, been a bit slow since December, and actually had a terrible February & gained two pounds, but gotten myself refocused and re-engaged.

What makes this number so significant to me is that I have lost 50 to 60 lbs at least 10 times prior, but never could keep it off.  And I did anything & everything…  NutriSystem, Weight Watchers, phen fen, phentermine, Slim-Fast… my mom can even share how she somehow chained our fridge closed when I was left unsupervised with leftovers.   After the final 55 lb drop in 2004, I, as I did soooo many times before, gradually back-slid, slowly forgetting the right steps and basically quitting on myself ever getting healthy.  I quit so badly that I added forty more lbs on top of the regain and definitely earned the morbid obesity title of my BMI.

It’s so different for me today, because I know that where I am now is just another stop in my journey down.  I know what did me in EVERY time…  I never truly lived it and I never accepted that I had to take care of… me.  I am still a work in progress & will be so for a long time to come, but I am looking forward to taking that ride…

I am definitely pushing myself more lately, and more blog entries are just one of the side effects.  Going to CO, getting myself on to skis & actually doing better than I ever expected, connecting more with the people I care about & who care about me… all of that has gotten me in even deeper.  My walks have now turned into combo walk/runs, added new workouts with a great trainer, walk local errands rather than burn $3.70 a gallon gas, and see the weekend doings of Scottsdale from the seat of my Trek. 

However, the old habits and stuff still exist within me and always will.  Being thousands of miles from family has always made any holiday a challenge for me, and add in some current employment turbulence and challenging (yet very rewarding) new friends & environments, and I have most definitely revisited possible pitfalls I used to hurl myself into automatically.  I so much wish to waver & at times, I do a bit, but it’s the times where I step back, think, and gather myself to work around positively are the reminders that yeah, I am making progress.  I chose a workout Easter AM rather than sit & mope about being on my own.  Was in a yoga class (yes, considering the mess I was, just writing that makes me smile), quickly felt totally over my head & in the wrong place, but somehow fought my urge to leave & wound up with a good workout wrapped with a huge lesson.  Even somehow managed to pass on the Easter “bamb” (a leg of lamb boned, flattened, seasoned & wrapped around a sirloin roast) concocted by the Tim Allen of BBQ, Robbie Meyer, because... due to short notice, I had not banked the calorie burn to easily survive such a red meat explosion.  Yep, not perfect, but I am getting better with this…

And that too totally reminds me… it’s healing the mind as much as rebuilding the body that will ensure the success of my journey going forward.

As my journey back continues, I feel like I am waking up from a multi-year fog.  And as clarity grows, I revel in revisiting skills and abilities that I thought I had buried.  The scope of my energy, physicality, and thoughts keep growing and it just compels me to want that progress even more.  For years, wise people around me kept insisting “without health, you have nothing…” and I would merrily ignore and deflect, lying to myself that somehow I was whole & functional while I just kept eroding.  I settled for so very little, continually making myself sicker and my life ever smaller.  It was miserable and I just siphoned energy and caring without any real cognizance of doing it.

Now, things are better.  I have progress but I know I have soooo much farther to go.  Where I am is nice, especially relative to where I was, but now I know I can get myself where I never thought possible prior, and I will not distract myself from getting there.  Other thing I realize:  if I can rally like this, anyone can.  It’s all about committing to & investing in you, skills I really lacked for far too long.  I still struggle & know in some ways I always will, but then again… in the struggle comes the real test of who we are and gives us the strength to keep making that progress.  Add in all the amazing people & support I experience and it all comes together and keeps me all in…

OK, it’s been a while, and though I could easily try to blame too much work, travel, or having to fight harder to make that scale read less, this is something I must make the time for.  That being said, definitely has been some busy weeks lately.  A couple more trips, another day of skiing (have video, but new director must work out download issue), & the occasional feeling that I am juggling chainsaws, but I somehow staying on track and moving forward.

I am now down 65 lbs.  Yeah, I feel so much better, and yeah, it is so cool when others notice, but at the same point, I am in it to go all the way.  I vaguely recall the somewhat pudgy, barely athletic teenager I was, rocking the major wm fro, and though that hair is a distant (but quite ironic) memory, I can be every bit as healthy as I was trying to chase Guajardo & Magee about Husky, although just a bit creakier now. ;-)

What also truly keeps me in it, though, and consistently brings me joy is all the friends and family my life is blessed with.  I somehow keep encountering amazing people & am smart enough to recognize & enjoy the wisdom, challenges, and caring each one presents.  I also get great moments where I can put my worlds together and somehow something great always seems to occur.  Whether it’s sharing a love of frozen Ding Dongs, finding out that a jukebox has & someone will actually pay to play all of Led Zep II,  or finding out that enjoying a meal on the run in India is identical to a “peasant” pose in yoga, it all takes me to the same place:  I am so fortunate to enjoy amazing people and the smartest thing I can do for myself is keep on getting myself right for the many adventures waiting to unfold.  So yeah, I will make sure I find the time to keep writing, working out, and get myself where I know I am meant to be.

An “on the road” update, writing from my Denver trip the day after skiing, something I truly loved and lost many years ago & somehow managed to do & reasonably well yesterday.  No falls, no injuries save for soreness in some long ignored leg muscles, and even managed some black runs, even though my most wise (and far superior) skiing compadre insisted they were not worthy of said designation.  Even have posted semi comedic video proof on FB for those who care to enjoy.

Must say that I have been really nervous about this day of skiing for weeks, and that fear was palpable enough that even the lift operators commented to me about it.  The first run was quite tenous & when finishing, I had serious doubts there would a second.  Took a break, collected myself, and then went back up the hill and much to my surprise, everything started to come back.  It also was an enormous help that ski technology has dramatically improved in my 15 year hiatus so my ever critical ski compadre, who has enjoyed decades of comedy watching me try to keep up with him, even had to comment that I did not look as bad as he remembered me being. 

Unfortunately, the sporadic workout schedule I have endured the last couple months due to work sort of caught up to me and got me off the hill quicker than I would have preferred.  Also made a cardinal error for any “older” skier & took a lunch break after finally warming up & really getting into a good ski groove.  Everything tightened while sitting and I certainly paid for it…

Overall, though, it was a great day.  Had no idea whether I could still do it & enjoy, and I even exceeded my own goal by hitting those pseudo-blacks.  And it accomplished a couple enormous things:  one, it reminded me of how blessed I am with amazing, gifted, gracious people who will encourage & support me to push myself and two, it gave me powerful incentive to stay on track in my journey and continue to get healthier, because I KNOW it only gets better…

Namaste…