Tbear7925

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To start, I am blessed. I have lost so much. I have felt my heartbeat slow to normal. I have worn a size I have not since six grade. I am smaller than I have ever been trying to do this on my own. I have gotten off blood-pressure pills, exercised and not feel faint after five minutes. I have people commenting on how good I look and to keep up the good work. My underwear is too big to wear. Clothes that I have never worn in my closet I can never wear because they are too big........

But I've got my issues too. Behind all the happiness is a darkness that does not want to disappear. I have been beating myself on how much I have lost versus how much I still am. Mentally, I have not grown. My size is still a challenge and I look in the mirror and don't see much of a difference. And the depression kicks in. Hard.

I'm on meds. The doc has doubled my doses. I feel lifeless, bored and lonely.

Why?

What I need to change is my mental state. I was not happy before I did this, and I am not happy after. Why?

I should be enjoying life. I should be thinking summer is coming up and what am I going to wear on vacation? I should be thinking new year, new start in life, right?

God, I do depress myself.

Like the title says, I am down to the wire. In a week's time I wil be in the hospital. I am nervous. I am excited. I am humbled. I am a lot of things, and hopefully soon I will  see 210 pounds for the first time since I was 11. Sad but true. There's this music group I listen to all the time, Linking Park. One of their songs stuck in my head and made me realize it was like I was signing to myself about myself. It was words that I would want to say to the heavy me when I am smaller.

When I pretend everything is what I want it to be I look exactly like what you always wanted to see
When I pretend, I can’t forget about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just 'cause I know I can but
I can’t pretend this is the way it’ll stay I’m just (Lying to bend the truth)
I can’t pretend I’m who you want me to be, so I’m (Lying my way from you)
No no, turning back now (I wanna be pushed aside so let me go )
No no, turning back now(Let me take back my life, I’d rather be all alone)
No, turning back now(Anywhere on my own 'cause I can see)
No no, turning back now(The very worst part of you is me)

I remember what they taught to me
Remember condescending talk for who I ought to be
Remember listening to all of that and this again
So I pretended up a person who was fittin’ in
And now you think this person really is me and I’m (Trying to bend the truth)
'Cause the more I push the more I’m pulling away 'cause I’m(Lying my way from you)

No no turning back now(I wanna be pushed aside so let me go)
No no turning back now(Let me take back my life, I’d rather be all alone)
No turning back now(Anywhere on my own 'cause I can see)
No no, turning back now(The very worst part of you) (The very worst part of you is me)
This isn’t what I wanted to beI never thought that what I said would have you running from me
Like this, this isn’t what I wanted to beI never thought that what I said would have you running from me
Like this, this isn’t what I wanted to beI never thought that what I said would have you running from me
Like this, this isn’t what I wanted to beI never thought that what I said would have you running from me
Like this(You)
No, turning back now(I wanna be pushed aside so let me go)
No no, turning back now(Let me take back my life I’d rather be all alone)
No, turning back now(Anywhere on my own 'cause I can see)
No no, turning back now(The very worst part of you)(The very worst part of you is me)


Read more: LINKIN PARK - LYING FROM YOU LYRIC VIDEO http://www.metrolyrics.com/lying-from-you-lyrics-linkin-park.html#ixzz29WPYNxPl
Copied from MetroLyrics.com

This is just one song make me cry sometimes. I feel the desparation and anger. And the sorrow and pain. And the strength I need to say goodbye to another me that has kept me company for over 30 years. So No Turning Back Now. I will not be a pillar of salt after looking back and grieving. Only God knows my future, so I will live for today and strive for a better tomorrow. Good Luck to all who read this. I will post sometime after post- op. God Bless.

Hello.
 I have not posted in a while. A lot of unfortunate things have been happening in the world that has somewhat slapped reality in my face. First of all, I am not going to lie; I am second, third and fourth guessing my decision to do this. I am feeling overwhelmed.
Last time I was on here, I failed my interview with the quack doctor. So they recommended meds. Had a bad spell with the first batch. I had all kinds of side affects, moods swings, serious panic attacks; you name it, I went through it. So they put me on something else. I don't think it is helping much. Serious insomnia. Not good. Need sleep. *Sigh*
I am dutifully taken them every day.
Why?.
Because I wanted this.
At least until I got my doctors bill.
No, I did not misspell. Doctors. I have had to have tests done at the hospital. Tests on my stomach, tests to make sure I did not have sleep apnea. Going to see the nutritionist, seeing the surgeon for 15 minutes, going to therapy sessions and depression nurses.
I was an idiot to think that my insurance would help with a good sum of this. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID!!!!
Okay.
I had to pay out of pocket immediately when I went to some. Others, I had to pay co-pays. What I did not realize until it was too late, was I was spending money on bills and my savings were dwindling. Now I am struggling to pay my real bills. Not to mention, my job decides to do a complete overhaul and are demoting people left and right.
You guess it, I was one of them.
Yes, I thank the good Lord above I still have a job. But I can't make ends meet. I have a horrendous bill from the hospital to pay in less then a week, and I still haven't got all my bills from them yet. In order for me to have this surgery, I have to go through my deductible and copay with my insurance. It about $4000. I have only used about $500. This is all that my insurance has paid on all the hospital trips, medical clinics, therapy sessions I have been to in the past two and half months. AND I AM BROKE. FLAT BROKE.
So, I'm wondering if this is worth it.
 I see my youth happening all over again. Watching my mother struggle to pay bills; put food on the table. The only difference is I am struggling because of my vanity.
So again, I question myself for a fifth, sixth, even seventh time.
Is this really worth it?

So I finally got in to see the recommended psychologist for my evaluation process.  Let's just say I failed big-time. Apparently, my score was supposed to be a 15 to pass. I scored a 28. He said I was moderate to severely depressed.

WTF!! Thanks a lot for wasting my bloody time and money!

He wants me get on meds. He says that it's up to me if I want to see a therapist. I DO NOT want to be on more medication. I'm doing this to get off meds in the first place.

So some s**ty things happened in my life; big flapping deal. I had and I will overcome whatever crap that comes my way. That's what being strong is. That's what it is to have faith in God; Faith in yourself to overcome the crap.

So your telling me in order for me to get this tool to make a better life for myself, I have to put myself on anti-depressants to appease some doctors that just have to do there job.

Again, WTF?!

So I'm darn angry. I'm angry and sad that I can't seem to get pass these hurtles that are being thrown at me. I finally made a decision to do this, and again someone or something made me feel like a punching bag. I am beating myself up because of how I feel everyday.

Thanks a lot for making me feel like crap. I guess I give up!

Hey Guys!
This is my first ever blog and I would like to say thank you to everyone for the support on this website. I am still new to a lot of things but I am learning bit by bit every day. I've read about the good days and the bad days everyone has and it has given me great incite to the many questions I had yet to get an answer for.

I wanted to talk about eating.

So I went to my first nutritional class yesterday and my homework for the month ( until my next class) is to eat like if I am post-op. No drinks 30 minutes before or after food. Only eat the servings listed. Carbs are a minimum of 130 per day; keep fats and carbs to single digits. Chew food 30 times before swallowing. A meal must last for 30 minutes.

Okay.................... Breathe.

I don't know if any of you guys had this but, this is crazy!

Do you know how hard it is to chew a small piece of apple thirty times? I got disgusted with it and ate less of it. Maybe that's what the goal is. I had one piece of turkey bacon, one egg scrambled in light olive oil ( BTW, it did not taste bad), one slice of multi-grain bread and a quarter of a large apple.This meal took me 20 minutes to eat.  I'm thirsty and darn well cranky.

Well, I'm not cranky about the food per se. I have been changing my eating habits since February. It's the counting carbs, fats, calories, etc thing that I'm not great with. Chewing 30 times of a small bite of food is weird.

I know, a lot of you guys have been there and done it. Right now, I'm counting down the 30 minutes so I can have my water to take my meds and vitamins for the day. Quite frankly, I wanted something to drink more than I wanted the food. So day one, first meal of the day, I'm feeling not full but not hungry. I just hope I can last until my lunch.