Ladybug's Mom
Welcome to My WLS Journey!
August 2003
After reading, viewing, and thinking extensively about it, talking to my husband and my family, I have decided that I am absolutely going to have Weight Loss Surgery. I have fought with weight ever since I was 8 years old, but even moreso in the past couple of years following the birth of my daughter. Being 5'6" and 311 lbs. with a BMI of 50.2 is unacceptable to me...I have avoided looking in the mirror for WAY too long. I have thought so much about this...about what I am missing, what my daughter is missing, what my husband is missing...and I know that I can't go on this way. I cannot hide in the house forever, hiding from society because I hate all of the Fat Prejudice. I deserve more, my family deserves more! My husband didn't understand at first when I told him about the surgery option...he said, "Why can't you just DECIDE to lose weight??". I was very saddened that he didn't understand, but upon further thought, realized that he has NO REASON to understand! My husband is Slim as Slim can be...he's 6'0 and only weighs 140 lbs.! His metabolism is faster than a Goat, and we all know how much a Goat can eat! Even with living a relatively sedentary lifestyle (which, by the way, is cheaper than a non-sedentary lifestyle, I know), he cannot put on weight even if he wants to. So how COULD someone like that possibly understand the frustration of carrying around all this extra weight? They cannot. As much as he loves me, he cannot walk in my shoes regarding weight...he has never had a problem, and probably never will. 
December 2003
I have seen my PCP, and he was so kind and supportive. I simply called Tricare to find out the information I wanted...who does the surgery around here (Portsmouth Naval Hospital), what Doctors are in the area, how much is covered of the surgery (all of it, YAY!), etc. Then I contacted the Hospital and got in touch with the Nurse in charge of the program, Jan. She is SO wonderful! She herself had Bariatric Surgery, so she knows exactly how I feel, how everyone feels! She warned me that there is a long waiting list...8 months worth or more! That will be hard, all the wait, but that does give a lot of time for all of the paperwork to go through. Fortunately Jan will take care of all of that for me! What a wonderful program, I am confident that this will be the beginning of a NEW LIFE for me! I can hardly wait!!! March 2004
We just found out that in November my husband will be transferred to ICELAND! Yipes! I have to contact Jan and let her know...I want my surgery to proceed as planned! I don't have a date yet, but I know there is still a long wait. The list is now a year long. 
April 2004
Went to my Pre-Operative Workshop and it was wonderful! Everyone is so informed and kind, and funny too! I told Jan about having to transfer to Iceland and she said to check with Iceland about whether I can pass an overseas screening with Bariatric Surgery, that some facilities are cautious about accepting Bariatric patients. EEP! I emailed them immediately and their Chief of Surgery replied, letting me know that as long as I have passed all of my 6 week Post Op tests with no problems, there is no reason I cannot go to Iceland. WHEW!! But there will be time constraints, between leaving here and the surgery, have to get a lot of things taken care of in order to get the surgery and leave the U.S. on time. I have quit smoking Cold Turkey, because I simply cannot smoke and have this surgery (100% cause of strictures...NO THANKS!!), and I also decided that I will QUIT biting my fingernails once and for all, even though I have done THAT since I was 2 years old! I think the fingernails will be more of a challenge than the cigarettes! LOL!!! May 2004
Because Dr. Lord is not available to do surgery at all in July, the time crunch is upon us. I have to have a minimum of 6 weeks Post Op to be evaluated by the Overseas Screening, plus I have all of my preliminary testing to do yet! Fortunately, Jan understands and is helping me to rush everything along. Between now and fall I should be working ever closer to my goal! Unfortunately, my husband leaves for 2 months at sea at the end of the month, what a pain. :( Never any fun when he is gone. I've been such a recluse in my life since we got married, nothing at all like I was before...I have been so embarassed about my weight, never wanting to go out and be social, and deal with weight prejudice. I can't wait for that obstacle to LIFE is gone!! I already feel so much better, not smoking, and my nails are starting to grow! I be sure to paint some Maximum Growth clear polish on them every night, and keep them clean and buffed so that no sharp edges or dirtiness tempt me to bite them or worry them into bending and breaking. My new life is slowing starting! June 2004
Busy Busy Busy! So many Appointments! The people at the Hospital's Child Care Center are really getting to know my daughter, LOL!! But, on the plus side, everything is really moving along FAST! Everything is falling into place. Tenative Surgery Date is August 2nd! Whew, such a long wait, but I know it will be worth it...and this wait is even with being "hurried" slightly due to my situation! Getting Hot and Humid here, YIK! Hopefully next year it won't bother me as much *grin*. Not a single wish to go back to smoking or biting my nails, which is great! I have never had natural nails, only fake ones. But they are growing out nicely (actually very nicely, they look great), and I don't miss the stink of the cigarettes (or the expense!!) one bit!
I am so excited! But also a bit scared. This is a big step! To reassure myself that if something goes wrong, my husband will be able to take care of everything, I have rearranged all the bills so they are one-click payable online, my Mother in Law will be here, as well as my husband, immediately after surgery to take care of my daughter and me, and I have already bought my Protein Shakes, a George Foreman Grill, and really reviewed all of the eating requirements Post Op. I have to go on a Liquid Diet for 5 days (EEP!!) before surgery, wonder how nuts THAT will make me!! But it's good for my Liver and my Colon, to have everything shrunk down, according to the Docs...and whatever makes it easier for them, is fine by me! I am having my procedure done Laproscopically, so I should heal quickly and have minimal pain. I am ready! Let's do it!! August 5th, 2004
Home again! While the muscular pain is a bit tough (I just have to be careful what I do), I feel GREAT! The first two days were BAD, I admit. I wondered what in the world I had done to myself. Fortunately the kind staff allowed me to have a damp washcloth to moisten my mouth with...no fluids other than IV makes you HORRIBLY cotton mouthed, and it caused me to panic when I realized I couldn't talk, yell, scream, whatever, if I needed to. The washcloth became a kind of comfort to me...no matter how bad I felt, I would just have them re-moisten the washcloth and I would put it on my head (also great for when they come in to see my roomate and have the lights on! Hooray it's now a blindfold! :D) But I truly and honestly believe that most of my horrible sickness was the Morphine...I believe I am sensitive to it, because when they stopped it and put me on the Liquid Hydrocodone (after the Upper GI of course), I felt like a whole new woman! I was up and walking the halls with no problem at all, once the Morphine was done, and I was CELEBRATING when I could have Ice Chips! I was so tickled about the Ice Chips that I had everyone giggling, including me, HEHE! The Docs say everything is GREAT, that I did SO well, and that I can look forward to rapid weight loss! I am so excited! Plus my husband will be home for all of August, so that is great too! New Life, HERE I COME!! August 12th, 2004
What's wrong? I am so worried. I haven't lost a single pound in 5 days! When I went to the Doc on Monday the 9th, I had already lost 11 lbs. versus my immediate Pre- Op Weight! But suddenly, it just stopped! How can it have stopped already, only ONE WEEK out?? I have to talk to Jan and the Doc about this...and I think my two biggest incisions are infected! Oh the panic!!!! August 13th, 2004
I sure do over think! But better to look and ask than not to and something REALLY be wrong. What I thought may be infection at my Incision Sites is only my body filling up the holes with a granular tissue substance that looks somewhat gooey and gross...it's not Pus. Doc said to keep them nice and dry with guaze and he gave me Cloth tape, since I have severe allergies to any other kind. Jan said the reason my weight loss "paused" is due to the fact that my body has to adjust to the new, extremely low amount of food and calories I can intake. She said NOT to worry though, that my body is simply INCAPABLE of maintaining my current weight on only the calories that I can consume! I am so relieved. Looking forward to my body kicking back in though, I admit. :) It may sound impatient, and I normally have the patience of a SAINT (boy have I been told that over and over), but when you have waited your whole life for something to change, and it starts to, then there is a pause before you expect it (I already was prepared for plateaus, but not at ONE WEEK OUT!!)...it can be quite daunting! Fortunately I have been totally reassured that everything is 100% fine. My husband said, "I TOLD you so!," because he was telling me over and over that everything was probably fine, that it would kick back in, etc. Ah, well, have to let him be right sometimes. :D August 30th, 2004
I AM SO HAPPY AND EXCITED!! As of today I have lost 34 lbs., and that's in basically 3 weeks, since one week I didn't lose any weight! This is GREAT! My jeans are SO LOOSE already! When I quit smoking before surgery, I gained about 20 lbs...I was rather bummed, but not surprised. Now that's ALL GONE, and more! I am heading into territory that my husband has never seen! When we got married I weighed 280 lbs., so he never knew me any smaller (although most of my adult life, before my daughter, I weighed 215). He should be amazed when I lose all this weight, since he hasn't ever had any opportunity to see it! I have started to worry about the excess skin I will have, knowing that there will be a good amount...my Doc already mentioned that I am going to want a TT (Tummy Tuck), and when I see pictures of other people's leftover Skin, I am afraid that even though I am only 30, I will have a lot as well, in the Thighs, Stomach, and some in the Arms. I won't have ANY on my Chin though, thank God, because I NEVER had a double chin. That's a blessing, at least! Other than the Skin worry, I feel amazing, I have so much energy and happiness inside me, I want to shout from the rooftops that I am quickly melting away! A couple days after I got home, my husband and I went to the Grocery Store...being less than a week Post Op, I used a drivey cart as was suggested by some other women I met who had this surgery. I felt great until my husband told me later that some young, thin girl made a nasty face behind my back when she passed me in an Aisle...he was behind me with a regular cart. Just goes to show how very, very rude some people are, and how intolerant, she had no idea why I was in that motorized cart, but how much do you want to bet that she assumed it was my weight. I have NEVER used one of those carts before. When he told me, I was really upset, I wish I had seen that...I am sassy enough that I would have confronted her with something like, "I'm Sorry, do you have a problem with the fact that I just had Surgery?" I could have just had a baby. People are so ignorant and cruel. As my hubby would say, where is Population control when you need them! OUT OF MY GENE POOL!! :) But those type of people aren't even worth my time, because one day I will be slim AND better looking than them, MUHAHA! I got so tired of Doctors and others saying things like, "You are SO pretty, if you would JUST lose weight!!" How absolutely sad is that? And how many times did I try? So many. But this time, it's working, and I am so ecstatic that I can hardly contain myself. Unfortunately I don't have any friends, or a babysitter, so now I have to work on actually finding some local friends for when my husband is gone...which he will be gone again for all of September (missing our daughter's birthday) and October. Ahh, the trials of a Navy family! I wish there was a button to push that delivered a friend with a child your age with similar values to your door. LOL Ah, well. :) All things in good time! September 6, 2004
Happy Labor Day! :) As of today, I have lost 40 lbs. (now at 271) and steadily losing inches...I am wearing the jeans I was wearing 4 years ago when my hubby and I got married. :) I know I am being impatient, but I would love for it to fall off even faster...I see people who have lost 50 or 60 pounds in a month and I frown a bit. I know, however, that most of these people were bigger than me to begin with, so their weight melts off faster. Hubby left today for Texas (sigh), so I won't see him for two months...that's two months for me to lose 60 lbs.! (That's not my real goal...my real goal is 40, but wouldn't 60 be GREAT??) I can't wait to see his face in two months when he sees me...as I mentioned he has never seen me smaller than I am right now! He's so excited for me, because I am excited and full of energy! (Which is also a bit of a problem...I want to get out and DO THINGS all the time, but having a 2 year old can get in the way of that a little bit, with naptimes and such). I haven't been doing any "extreme" exercising yet, insomuch as a health club or even "intentional" walking, because of my bad back...I have just been much more active all around. But I know I have to start the exercise. It's also hard for me to eat, because I am just NOT HUNGRY! I have a mental block against eating when I am not hungry...so now that my head hunger is mostly gone, I often have to MAKE myself eat. Strange feeling. :) September 10, 2004
What a rough week. Hubby left on Monday for Texas, I haven't been feeling very good, and I haven't lost a pound all week, even though I have walked and made sure that I was drinking enugh fluid. Having a hard time with the Protein, but I am constantly trying to get it all in...so much so that I stress about it. It's obviously important to me...last night I dreamt my scale was broken and it wouldn't go below a certain number, lol. But I measured and I haven't lost inches either, so either this is ANOTHER "body adjustment" phase, or I am going to be a slow loser...which makes me a bit sad. If I am a slow loser I'm not sure how I will reach my goal of 199 lbs. by Jan 23rd. I am going to join the YMCA on Payday (15th), so maybe that will be more help...perhaps walking just isn't enough for me. I do know there are certain points that my body, over the years, has rested at...270, 235, 215...I wonder if these natural "plateaus" are going to be difficult on me. Sure seems it!! I admit, it's depressing...people ask in the chatroom how much weight I have lost, and I frown, because I haven't lost any in the last week. Every week that I go without losing wieght is another week closer to my goal date, but no pounds closer to my weight goal. My apologies if I sound whiney, but after waiting for years and years to get rid of this weight, my patience is much less than it should be. *sigh* I hope the losing kicks back in soon. September 13th, 2004
Boy, when it rains, it pours. Had a tiff with the hubby on the phone last night, money is tight until payday, and have been super stressed all week because I still haven't lost a pound, even though I am pushing hard as heck to get every bit of Protein and fluids in. I have been walking every day, and although I may wake up and see a bit of a loss on the scale, by the time I have about 20oz of water it's shot back up to where it was. My clothes aren't getting any looser, in fact they feel like they are starting to get tighter again. I could be over reacting, I want this to work, and work fast, so badly...but it's hard to stay positive when you don't see any results. I keep trying to smile and spend a lot of time in the chatroom (You guys are great!) to keep positive, but it's harder than anything I have ever done. This is the part that kept me from losing weight before...my willpower just seeps away when I don't see any results. I start to get depressed that although I am doing what I am SUPPOSED to be doing, nothing seems to be happening. My hubby keeps saying to quit stressing and just calm down, let it go, it will come off. But I have waited for so long...it actually hurts to not see some kind of loss, even if it's just a few pounds, in a whole week...when I am only 5 weeks (now 6) out from surgery! This is the hard part. Protein, fluids, and exercise is nothing compared to not losing any weight. :( http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
Sept. 16th, 2004
As with all things, as soon as you are ready to give up, they change. After a LONG 10 days with NO loss whatsoever, I have finally started losing again! What a relief, I hate being a stop-and-starter. I am not sure if it made a difference or not, but I also started on Liquid Protein the evening of the 14th...as soon as I started taking that, my weight started dropping again. Perhaps I really needed even MORE protein than the food protein I was getting. Fortunately, I have finally found a Protein format that I can take. Don't be misled...most liquid protein is not thin like water. It is THICK like syrup. When I opened it, I thought to myself, oh dear...what will I do with THIS? Being that I LOVE Hot Tea, I decided I would try it in that type of format. The Protein tastes like marchino cherries, so I mixed the dosage with hot water and a teaspoon of Splenda...and drank it just like hot tea. Worked marvelously! I have ordered the Liquid Protein that I have been telling everyone about...Pro Stat, and it should be here in a few days. In addition I met someone here on the chatroom who is also a Navy Wife in my area and has young children, so things are starting to come together. :) I'm still impatient and ready to begin my new life YESTERDAY, but I'm hanging in there. ;) http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
Sept. 18, 2004
Hooray! My Pro Stat arrived, and let me tell YOU guys, it's nowhere NEAR as thick and syrupy as some of the other liquid proteins! It's GREAT! It's like concentrated Kool Aid...really it's good stuff, I recommend it to anyone who is having trouble with Protein, because it has changed my life. This protein, Pro-Stat, is thin enough to actually SHOOT like a shot of liquor if you wished...the stuff I had here to "get by" until my Pro-Stat arrived was WAY too thick to even THINK about that. The website for Pro-Stat is http://www.pro-stat.info/ if anyone is interested in checking it out. I highly recommend you read the Bariatric Surgery section, it has a LOT of great information! http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
Sept. 20th, 2004
I am nothing if not chatty, lol. My Gazelle Freestyle came today, and I am SO excited. I've already been on it twice today, the first time for a half mile and the second time for a quarter mile. I can't BELIEVE how easy it is! It's so beautiful outside, that I just opened the windows and enjoy the breeze as I "stroll" away the inches! I have wanted a Gazelle for a long time...I need something that will allow me to work out without the embarrassment of being around other people, even if it's all women. I can't stand to sweat like a pig in public. When I am smaller, maybe then I will venture out to a health club, to maintain what I have...but with a 2 year old daughter, and a husband who is currently away, AND the fact that it will be winter soon, something I can do inside is really a much better idea for me. I am still steadily losing about a half a pound a day it seems...I think the Gazelle will either speed that up, or at least maintain that pace. I REALLY want to be down to around 225-230 by the time I see my hubby again on Oct. 27th. I know that's only a month and a week, and it may not be possible...I am at 268 right now. We'll see how the Gazelle works! ;) At this point, I am happy for every pound that falls off...though I admit, I will be headed to the Thrift Store soon, I'm not going to have any clothes!!! I have a few basic items that can get me all the way down to size 18 (which for me is around 210 lbs), jeans and a couple of shirts for each size, but anything more in each stage, and any size lower than that...I have nothing. Which, I may add, is a very exciting thing! LOL Tomorrow is my little bug's birthday! How I adore her, sassy redhead and all. ;) She'll be 2! How do they grow so fast. *sigh*http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
Sept. 27, 2004
Everything is going great :) Got some info that was alternately welcome and not welcome...we won't be going to Iceland, after all. They made hubby pick new orders at school, so now we will be staying right where we are..he's going to be part of a Security Detachment based in Portsmouth! That's a bummer because we really wanted to go overseas, and he will have to be gone as part of a Security Detachment, which we REALLY wanted to avoid...but then again, it means we don't have to move and that's always a good thing. Double edged sword, I suppose, but nothing we can do about it. This is the third set of orders he has had...first orders were for Italy, they took those, then we had Iceland for quite awhile, now they have taken those, and now we aren't going anywhere. Funny that, lol. I guess the Navy likes to keep you on your toes. O.O I admit that I worry about my DH being on the M.Det., very worried...going to Iraq and being on the ground there really freaks me out, I wanted him to join the Navy when we got married because I didn't consider it to be quite as RISKY as the Army or Marines! Now he's going to probably be in the thick of it, and that scares me. There will definitely be much prayer when he is gone. :*( In the WLS department, I have been steadily losing between a pound a day to a pound every other day, still. Down to 261 today and loving it! That's 50 lbs. less than I started at, and today is my 8 week anniversary! Hard to believe. Still feels like so far to go (and there is still a lot), but it's a small victory, anyway. I am making sure to get in my liquid protein every evening (which, by the way, don't need the Splenda in the "protein tea" any more, since Pro Stat is so concentrated and already Splenda sweetened) and my Propel every day, I eat a lot of salads because my pouch is very sensitive...anything heavy sits like a rock. Even potatoes often make me feel sick. Apparently sugar and fats cause me to dump, because I had a small piece of pumpkin bread that was made with sugar and was sick...and any time I have anything with margarine I seem to get sick. I guess that's a good thing, but this being sick is a big pain. I get to where I don't want to eat because I fear I am going to have nausea or dry heaves...and I can't just NOT EAT! In addition to that I don't seem to be able to eat Red Meat at all...it just sits like a rock and makes me so miserable that I feel like dying. Needless to say, I don't eat a whole lot! Slim Fast Carb Options shake for breakfast, salad for lunch, and usually a Lean Cuisine meal for dinner...that I have to pick half of the stuff out of, because I don't like it, lol. Ah well, I am getting my protein, and I am eating some solid food, (hopefully enough, and I am doing a mile a day on my Gazelle...it's so amazing! Doesn't even feel like a mile, I just sit there and watch some TV while I coast my way to being more in shape! :) I love it, I knew there was a good reason why I have wanted one for about three years, hehe.Looking forward to seeing hubby again at the end of Oct...we will all be gone from October 25th until November 15th, so I won't see anyone until then, but I am Anne K.'s Angel (Anne ~ NavyWife), Anne's b-day is the 16th and her surgery date is the 22nd of November, so everyone give her a big hug and a You Go Girl! I'll be back in time to remind everyone, but just a little advance notice. ;)Feeling great and talk to you next week, unless something unexpected happens. :D http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
October 4, 2004
Hello all :) Short update this week, insomuch as not much has happened! I was on another "pause" most of the last week, but I'm moving again this morning, thank goodness! It's coming up on time for my monthly, so I am not really surprised. I am ALMOST able to comfortably wear some 6 year old jeans lol! (They are still like brand new though, I think I bought them tight and they didn't get worn for long). I can put them on and zip them up, but they are still too tight to be comfortable in...very painted-on! Looking forward to getting into - AND OUT OF! - them. :) Good thing I have jeans from years and years of gaining to go down into lol...would be expensive to have to buy new clothes every month, and although I like to shop, I am not a clothes hog like some people can be...or a shoe hog either! I hear that may change when I am at goal. ;) I think I mentioned before though that I don't have anything lower than an 18 in jeans...since I have not been smaller than that in my adult life...around the beginning of the year I know I will be having to look for new jeans to wear. I can wear the shirts as oversized for awhile, and only buy a few T-Shirts or something, but the pants won't work (I HATE super baggy pants, I am not MC Hammer!). Good Luck to everyone on their journey and see you next week! :)http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
October 8, 2004
I couldn't wait until Monday to say this....the picture I posted as my first "After" photo is me IN THE JEANS I COULDN'T WEAR MONDAY THE 4TH!! And as you can see, they are plenty comfortable...I have been living in them all day today. I LOVE my Gazelle...the inches are really just melting off like mad, and it DOESN'T HURT!! I haven't lost any official "weight" this week...but I truly think that it's because I am building up some serious muscle and am obviously also losing serious inches! My waist (which is where I always lose my weight first, in the "Body"...not counting hands, feet, and face) is disappearing...which is good and bad, because my hips are wide (Very Earth Mothery hehe), good that it's going, bad for finding pants that fit in both places lol. Also discovered by various measuring tools that I *supposedly* have a small frame. My wrist is TINY already...only 6 inches and I am 5'6", according to the calculators that means I have a small frame and...probably that I will end up some really teensy thing. Part of me says YAY!, but I have heard some women in the chatroom who have become size Zero or size Two who say it's just as hard to find clothes THAT size as it was before they started losing! That thought bothers me. :( I wanted to get no smaller than a 4 (Yes, Yes, I know, I can't believe I am saying that either....) because I figured that was the low end of "normal"...but I may not have a choice, lol. Hope everyone has a great Columbus Day Weekend! Only another 17 days until I get to see hubby again! YAHOOOOOO!!!http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
October 12, 2004
Well I didn't update yesterday on my normal Monday, but it was Columbus Day so let's just pretend I had something fun to do. ;) Anyway, I weighed in this morning at 259, WOOHOO! Out of the 260s, finally! HOWEVER...since I haven't actually lost "poundage" in the last week, I am compelled to tell you how many INCHES I lost in the last two weeks. (I measure every two weeks, post weight loss every week, and weigh myself every morning...don't fuss! Once in the morning is WAY better than I WAS doing, I WAS weighing myself EVERY TIME I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, lol!) Ok, in the last two weeks I have lost 4 inches off of my ribcage area, 5 inches off my waist (I measure at the midriff), 5 inches off my hips, 3 inches off my thighs, 1 inch off my Bicep. That's 18 INCHES in two weeks!!! You can tell I LOVE my Gazelle, huh....! It's really no wonder that I wasn't losing any poundage when I am gaining muscle like this. I feel so much better, I gathered up about 8 bags of trash today (no that doesn't mean my house was a Sty, lol, it means I have a two year old *wink*) and didn't even feel like I had done anything...which may seem like no big deal, until you compare it to Before. I AM ONLY 12 MORE POUNDS FROM NO LONGER BEING MORBIDLY OBESE!! WOOHOO! I can't wait to hit 247!!Another important thing happened this week...I suddenly stopped having pouch trouble over most foods. Now given, I pretty much don't eat sugar (I have had one homemade chocolate chip cookie, made with sugar, and it didn't make me sick), I stay away from heavy oils and margarine, I don't eat beef (makes me sick every time), etc., and I try to eat light foods...I don't know if it's that I have finally adjusted to what I can and can't eat, or if it's that my pouch just calmed down, but one way or the other I feel "Normal". It just hit me one day this last week, Wow, I feel perfectly Normal. I can even eat more per sitting than I could before...though by no means the sizes of servings I was eating before. So I am really happy about that, I don't get nausea much any more, I don't have the "tight chest" feeling much any more, I think it must be that I have finally adjusted. I doubt that anything in my physiology has actually changed. lolStill hoping to not get any smaller than a size 4, especially since I started looking at sizing charts this weekend and size Small (ah hahaha, Small, I must be on some really good drugs) is a size 4/6. I just had a feeling that getting smaller than that was going to make shopping a bit harder. So let's all cross our fingers for me to be between a size 8 and a size 4! (That's the size range I would love to see...I haven't ever seen single digits). I cleaned out my closet this weekend and pulled out all the 26/28 sweaters and shirts...there were a LOT! I have about half as much in my closet as I had before. O.O I also washed everything that did fit, since it smelled like Nicotine from when I smoked, and anything light colored had nicotine stains on the collar from the nicotine in the air, where it had settled on the clothing. GROSS! I had no idea all the nasty things you don't notice that come along with smoking. :P I had to keep myself from getting rid of the clothes that were marginal, though, part of me wanted to purge it all!! But then I would have nothing to wear, and I can't afford to replace it all right now...LOL. I really don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes until I am at goal, anyway, so I won't be buying much in clothes as I am on my way down.Have a great week!!http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
October 25, 2004
First of all, forgive me if my profile still looks a bit "rough"...I am doing all the HTML work myself, and I only have passing knowledge of HTML. I still have to figure out frames and borders, yet. It, like me, is a work in progress! :D I wish I could tell you how much I weigh this morning (REALLY I DO!!!), but my scale BROKE last week! Ok, not as dramatically as I make it sound...it was digital and my 2 year old poured a whole toy cupful of water on it. Needless to say it wasn't very pleased with its "Bath". lol...I am leaving for vacation for three weeks today, so I didn't rush out and buy a new one. I am trying to console myself and say that when I come back from vacation I will have lost a big chunk of weight and it will be worth it, the insanity I have gone through since it broke. What insanity? Well, in the interest of honesty, let me tell ya.Prelude: Ok, people have told me I don't even know how many times, "STAY OFF THE SCALE! QUIT SCALE WHORING YOU WILL DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY!!" And yes, it is true that the amount of times I was weighing myself immediately post-op was excessive. I weighed myself every time I was in the bathroom. It was a phase, and I got over it...I went to weighing myself only once, in the morning. Now, if you think about it, a lot of "normal" women do that, so really it's not that big of a deal. Being that I am a goal-oriented person, seeing even a pound coming off every other day makes me feel good. Sometimes I just can't tell in my clothes, and for me every pound that is gone is a reason to celebrate. After wishing deeply in my heart of hearts that one day I would just wake up SKINNY for so many years, I finally am being realistic and just want to see it move in the downward direction at ALL. And it is, and that keeps me happy and in a great mood all the time. Until the scale broke.Effect: For the last week and a half I have been desperately trying to find ways to "see" and "feel" the weight loss, so that I could still feel that sense of fulfillment that I got by seeing a pound off every other day on the scale. Looking at myself in the mirror constantly, wondering if this was here and that was there before, trying on clothes to see how they fit, did they fit like this before?, etc. For me, every day was a mini-goal, seeing a little bit more come off in the numbers. Not being able to see it, or feel it on many days, has been VERY hard and depressing, PLUS it drives my anxiety WAY up! I ate two chocolate chip peanut butter cookies yesterday (I baked a batch for my husband to take to him when I get to TX, he missed my cookies and was VERY jealous when I baked some for my friend Anne and her family), so I have discovered that unless it's a HIGH concentration of sugar, it doesn't make me sick...not a low-sugar dumper, it seems. Like I told Anne, I am not going to run out and buy some CANDY BARS to test it, but it's kind of nice knowing I can taste test what I have baked to make sure it's good. Anyway, I felt like the world's biggest FLUNKIE because I ate those cookies, later in the evening. Chastising myself, thinking, "Why did you even have surgery if you are going to eat cookies!! What's next, whole cakes? Packages of Oreos? Wendy's greaseburgers?!!! FAILURE! You will be FAT FOREVER, and it will be all your own fault!!!"Needless to say I am very hard on myself. I have heard so many unkind things throughout my life, even from the people I loved, and IT HAS NEVER STOPPED. Even when I got older, people still commented...heck, my Father In Law, who is extremely well meaning and loves me to pieces, used to talk to me about losing weight and how I really should. Did I ever invite this conversation? No. Did I want to HAVE this conversation? No. Did we have it anyway? Yes. On the plus side, this means that my Father In Law is my supercheerleader when it comes to the fact that I had surgery, but the point is it never stopped, people criticizing or trying to "help", regardless of the fact that no one could help me but ME. I get my protein in, I get my liquids (tons in fact), and I use my Gazelle, or if I am not on my Gazelle it's because I have been out and about walking all day, scrubbing floors, etc. If I don't use the Gazelle I give myself a guilt trip, too. No one has to be hard on me...I am hard enough on me for everyone, lol.What I can say is, I squeezed myself into some size 20 jeans I haven't worn since College this week. And they were PAINTED ON, yes I had to lay down to zip them up (LOL), I don't think I will be comfortably wearing them for a good while. Last time I was a size 20, I weighed about 220 lbs., and I know I have a good amount to lose before I am even near that, yet. My current goal is just to get to 247, so I can get into a lower BMI category. ;) I have my 3 month post-op visit on November 18th, so I hope I have dumped off a good amount of weight by then...the impatience is a bad thing, I suppose, but perhaps it is also a good thing, insomuch as it keeps me motivated to LOSE and LOSE FAST!So, my ADVICE is: If you truly feel the need and want to weigh yourself, do it. Do it even if you know you couldn't possibly have lost 10 lbs. in 10 minutes. Rejoice when it goes down, be glad when it stays the same, and be motivated if it shows you went up a pound...because it will, your weight will fluctuate all day long. I do recommend weighing only once, in the morning, before you add all your fluids into your body for the day...but do what is right for you. Everyone is different and maybe you don't need the scale to pep you up...I now know I DO, and I will be buying a brand new one when I get home. ;)See you in three weeks, and until then, GOOD LUCK on your journey!http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
October 31, 2004
Happy Halloween! I'm writing from Houston, TX, during vacation, because it's important to me to keep this updated for those who may be reading. :) As of this morning I weigh 251 pounds (yes, the grandparents have a scale, LOL), only 4 more pounds until I am out of Morbid Obesity!! That's a total of 60 pounds to date that I have lost, only a couple of days from my 3 month anniversary. :D My size 22 jeans are now getting VERY baggy (i.e., I have to wear a BELT with them), and I am almost ready to be comfortably in the size 20s. I figure by the time I am in the mid-to-low 240s, I will be happily wearing those. What an amazing journey this has been already, and I still have more to go!Missing home and the comforts of being there, but visiting the family is fun too. SO glad to get to see my hubby again after two months, he's thrilled with my weight loss and has been very affectionate. Houston is an interesting city, much greener than I thought it would be. We went to the Zoo day before yesterday, and it was a wonderful time...it was hot, so a lot of the animals were hiding in the shade, but we got to take Adry around to the Children's Zoo and it was fun. Seemed like we walked FOREVER...apparently we were at the Zoo for about 3 hours, didn't even seem it. My feet were hurting when we were done (I've done an amazing amount of walking around in the last few days), but I didn't feel tired, per se, it was just hot and humid. It was nice to not feel like I couldn't breathe. :DTime to run off and chase after my little cutie and spend time with the family, hope everyone is having a wonderful Halloween and good luck on your journey! Talk to you again soon. :) http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
November 10, 2004
Wow, I can't believe it's November already! 5 more days until we get home...we are now in Oregon visiting hubby's parents, and I must say, Oregon is BEAUTIFUL! They live in the Southwest of the state, near the California border. Absolutely gorgeous country, the mountains remind me of where I grew up. Still can't wait to be in the comforts of home, but it's wonderful being here in the country and my daughter is having a blast playing with her Grammy and Grampa.I would tell you what I weigh if I could, but hubby's parents don't have a scale, LOL. Probably a good thing anyway, then perhaps when I get home and get a new scale I will be at (or below) my first mini goal of 247. :D I do have to say this though - it's been hard. It's hard not being able to eat what everyone else does, hard feeling like you are a bit of an outcast, with everyone else merrily sitting down to a healthy meal made of things you can't eat. Take Heed, friends!! Be prepared, especially with the holidays coming! I found myself very uncomfortable, I have previously been able to just avoid the things I couldn't eat, but with people making dinners full of them (plus I am a moderately picky eater anyway), it became hellish.Also, I have during vacation eaten or tried a great deal of things that are on the "No No" or the "Just Can't Eat" list. I don't dump sugar, so I have had many different kinds of candy in small doses. I have had a Frappacino. Generally I am still eating very little, and some things don't go down well at all...but I am encouraged and feel more "normal", knowing that I have a wider choice of foods and/or snacks if I am having trouble getting calories in.Don't think that means I am not losing weight. Just because I don't have a scale handy doesn't mean I am not CERTAIN I am losing weight, because I know I am. Why? We went to Wal-mart and I got a pair of size 20 jeans, some 18/20 sweatpants and sweatshirt, and a couple of 18/20 shirts (and of course, I tried them all on, and everything fit!)! Also, some flannel bikini panties that I haven't been able to wear for I don't know how many years, but that I saved because they were too cute (and too new!) to give up. I slid those on just as easy as you please day before yesterday!! YAHOO! Hubby has been VERY affectionate and I can see the loss even more in my face than before, which surprises me...I thought I was done losing in the face. I will probably be in size 20s for awhile, I think, since last time I was in size 20s, it was all the way down to 210 lbs. If I had to guess, I would say I am not any lower than 240 now, so I have a ways to go to hit size 18s. I have a very nice blue suit that is waiting for me, when I get there! I have had it for at least 10 years, and it's NEVER been worn...can't wait to get into it!!Hope everyone is doing well on their journies, talk to ya soon!
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November 17, 2004
I'm Baaaaack! And thank goodness for that! It seemed like I had been gone FOREVER!! Soooo nice to get back and be in the comfort of my own home, with my hubby to boot! Yay!I have GREAT news today! I went out and bought a new scale yesterday when we were out grocery shopping, and...DRUM ROLL PLEASE... I HAVE MADE MY FIRST GOAL OF 247! BMI 39.9, I AM NOW ONLY SEVERELY OBESE!!! (Which still sounds horrible, lol, but it's certainly better than Super Morbidly!)
I am SO HAPPY! Tomorrow is my 3 month doctor appointment, and I can't wait to see what the "official" scale says, although it should be close to what my new digital scale says. We shall see! Now that it's late fall/early winter here, I can hide my shrinking body in my baggy winter clothes (thereby saving money too lol) and "blossom" like a spring flower when winter is over!! My next two goals are: 216 lbs., which will be another BMI Category lower (WOOHOO, can't wait!!), and 199 lbs. by my birthday, January 23rd, 2005, then 185 to hit another, lower BMI Category. I tell you, at least the BMI Category gives me something to shoot at! LOL!In other news, I read today that Hardee's Bacon Monster Thickburger has, hold your breath, 1,420 Calories and 107 Grams of Fat
per burger. WOW! Makes me ill just thinking about it. But then I think about people like my husband, who actually have TROUBLE putting on weight, and I say Hey, that burger isn't forcing itself down anyone's throat. It's a choice, and people like my hubby can celebrate the calories (though that much fat isn't good for anyone, but still). I never blamed me gaining weight on Wendy's. They didn't drag me in and make me buy Triple Cheeseburgers with extra cheese, Biggie fries, and Biggie Sweet Teas, but I certainly did go do it! And hey, it was good. As hubby says, most of the things in life that taste very yummy are really, REALLY bad for you. Another food story...I was chagrined by an item that I bought at the grocery store yesterday. Looking at the label there in the store, I realized it said the serving size was 3 pieces (Cheese and Bacon stuffed Chicken Nuggets). They looked absolutely delicious (and they are pretty good, honestly), but they have 12g of Fat per serving (all that Cheese and Bacon, I suppose :D ). Still, knowing it's a dense food that I won't be able to eat much of (I later was only able to eat one of them before passing the other two of my "serving" over to my husband), and that my hubby needs such foods to maintain his weight, I got it. It wasn't until I got home and was reading the microwave directions that I was offended. Why? Well, I am an avid nutritional label reader, of course. But a lot of your average people are not. The microwave directions said, "put 6 to 10 nuggets on a plate and microwave for XX time...(etc)". Now think about what I just told you about the fat content of ONE serving of these things. Then the microwave instructions just told you to put 2 to THREE servings on a plate...meaning that you are serving yourself 24 to 36 GRAMS of fat in one meal. *AHEM* That made me frown, wondering how many people really just didn't look to see what they were putting in their mouth. It's so true...we as Americans don't pay as much attention as we should to our food, and if we would ENJOY our food, slowly, truly cherish it, in smaller portions, I don't think we would have anywhere near as many problems as we do. Of course, that is just my opinion. :D But as Americans we have a "Better Bang For Your Buck" philosophy that, in some ways, dooms us, plus we are generally in SO MUCH of a hurry! Why cook something that is good for you when it costs twice as much as buying a burger and fries, and you just don't have TIME to cook? Honestly, fast food should be horribly expensive and we shouldn't go out to eat it more than once a month, if ever. And heck, if you are going out only once a month, SPLURGE and go to a nice place! Save up all your money you would have spent on Fast Food and go to a ritzy restaurant! But then they might have to expand lunch hours (Oh No!) and actually care about people in the workplace, and that would be bad for businesses. :P Oh well. Just keep in mind everything is connected in one way or another, and that the road to Obesity has many, many paths...we did not all reach the pinnacle the same way, and therefore the path back down may be harder for some than for others.Good Luck on your Journey, talk to you soon! :Dhttp://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
December 4, 2004
Hi there! :) As of this morning, I'm down to 242 lbs. and there's lots more room in my chair on each side! LOL I.e., I know I've lost inches. :) I've posted a new picture here and in my Picturetrail account...I don't know if you can see a difference yet, I am not sure I can...but it's there. That's the plus side...on the minus side, I have been losing quite a lot of hair. It's mostly my own fault, I think...money has been tight this last month and I ran out of liquid protein. Ever since I haven't been able to take it, my hair has started really falling out (I mean, it's HALF as thick as it was...good thing I had super thick hair). And I probably would have lost more than 5 lbs. in the past 2 weeks if I had been exercising, but with the Holidays I haven't been. Had a wonderful Thanksgiving over at Anne ~ NavyWife's house, it was so nice to have some nice people to spend the Holiday with here in Virginia. :) Now for the bad news...when hubby reported to his Mobile Security Detachment, he discovered that they were deploying that very Friday. He wasn't yet deployable, because he has a school to go to and some dental work to get done, but it's looking like he will deploy for six months before Christmas. I'm really, really bummed about it, but trying to take it in stride...I know I can't do anything about it, I am just in shock. After him being gone for June and July, then September and October, for him to leave for December through May is a lot to deal with. I guess I am lucky I have seen him at all, but it's just very unpleasant. Because of all the deploying, he's seriously considering getting out of the Navy after this enlistment...10 months worth of being gone in one year is hard on us both. We are very family oriented, and for him to miss his birthday, our daughter's birthday, Christmas, my birthday...it puts a very heavy load on us. It's most likely that he will be looking into the Oregon State Highway Patrol. His parents live there, and it's absolutely BEAUTIFUL! :) And, he would be home every day. :PI can pretty much eat anything that I want now, in smaller portions. I don't have trouble with sugar most of the time, and I am slowly working Milk back into my diet. So far, it's going ok. :D I do still eat breaded foods (I know, bad me), but I bake them rather than frying them. Speaking of baking, I made the MOST awesome Splenda apple pie for Thanksgiving...MMM! You should pop over to their website and get the recipe, I swear it was wonderful and everyone loved it. :)Hope your journey is going well, I'll talk to you soon! :)http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
January 15, 2005
Hard to believe it's 2005 already. I haven't updated in awhile due to many reasons...missing my husband, being a "single" parent, and most importantly to this forum, because I didn't have any significant weight loss to report.I have been angry with myself to the point of near depression for the last few weeks, unwilling to update here and tell my woes, which are self-inflicted. Around the holidays I found I really didn't have any trouble with sugar. That being the case, I bought a bag of the 1 inch square nestle crunches, and I would eat one or two at a time, every few hours. It tasted wonderful, but I felt guilty later for doing it, sure that I would never lose another pound or inch. It all began to just pile on top of each other...the pasta and other carbs came next, since my daughter loves pasta, all kinds of other foods I had been avoiding, etc. Furthermore, I started nibbling on my nails a bit again (nothing like before), my hair has been falling out so badly that I feel I will surely go bald (everyone claims that they cannot tell, which is good...I can tell because my hair was SO thick before, and now it seems very thin to me...I suppose it's just normal now). Every time I stepped on the scale (only once in the morning, thank you) I wouldn't see any more than a half of a pound lost in a day or two, and I was chagrined, sure that I was doomed, that I would never get below 200 lbs., that I would be fat and miserable forever. Today I weigh 238, which isn't much of a difference from what I weighed around Thanksgiving, only about 4 lbs. And don't ask me what the relationship between inches and pounds is, because I sure couldn't tell you, and I WISH I KNEW! Because I am sitting here typing this in the size 18 jeans that I have saved for (no joke) 7 years waiting to fit back into them, and the only place I had to squeeze a bit to fit everything in was my blubbery stomach. Now, I don't really understand so much, I will be 31 on January 23rd and I know Gravity Works. But I weighed 209 lbs. when I bought these jeans, and for me to weigh 30 lbs. more than that (almost) and be wearing them (albeit not as comfortably as I was at 209, 7 years ago) boggles my mind. I can't even tell you what possessed me to try them on, I was absolutely certain that they wouldn't get past my thighs. When they kept coming up, and up, and weren't even tight...I was starting to get a real raised-eyebrow look going on. Because all IIII see in the mirror is the same old blubber, the same nasty flab hanging here and there, the same floppy body. I haven't worked out since before the holidays, so I feel even worse about that, so I don't know why inches would be coming off. Furthermore, in the last couple of weeks I have seemed to revert...my body is going back into hyper sensitive again, I can't eat many of the things that I was eating, even a little bit of sugar makes me SO sick, carbs sit heavy and nasty. Not sure why that happened, maybe I have been on a slow weight loss trend while my body shrunk and adjusted again. I suppose anything is possible! I'm glad that I am sitting here in these 18s, even if I am in shock. I suppose I should have known something was up when I bought a size XL fleece nightgown (size 16-18) and it didn't look like a hippo in a tutu. It just didn't occur to me.So, keep on trucking everyone, and I guess it's true...the scale numbers don't always show what's really going on, and you sure can't trust what YOU see in the mirror, because your body image is so askew. Just hang in there, like me, we'll make it together. :)http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
January 17, 2005
Ok, so I wasn't very chipper or thrilled with myself a couple of days ago. ;) It's really hard to be chipper when you have PMS and never get a Mommy's Day Off, because your husband is in Iraq. :/ Some days it hits me harder than others, having a 2 year old isn't easy in and of itself, having a 2 year old, a husband who's gone for 6 months, and trying to take care of me, too, is a handful!In good news, today my wedding ring FELL OFF my hand. It's been loose for awhile, but my daughter and I were playing around and I was tickling her tummy, and BLAM...there it went. Fortunately I caught it, so it's on my necklace now until I go and get it sized. Imagine! I got married over 4 years ago now, and have actually owned my wedding ring for 7 years...I'm amazed that it has fallen off me. I haven't ever taken it off since I have been married...it's odd to not have it on. My size 18 jeans fit well and I'm comfortable in them, happy about that development as well! My husband mentioned that maybe the new scale was broken, and that in reality I weigh less than it showed, since my daughter keeps getting water into my scales. It's finally shorted out, like the last one, due to too much water getting into it. *sigh* I guess I have to find somewhere else to put it, there's just not many places for it! And, of course, now I need a new one again...lol.I do get plenty of Protein because I am still happily drinking my Pro-Stat, plus I eat string cheese and bacon to keep my protein up. I make sure to choose protein foods whenever I can. I know I talked about the carbs and the chocolate, but you have to understand that I could never eat very much of any of it or I would be sick. Furthermore, I was sick a lot of the time from eating it, anyway. Glutton for punishment, I guess...some call it stubborn. ;) Now that I have given up some of my stubbornness again and am going with the flow of the what I know I should be doing, things are a lot easier on me. Not getting sick, feel better, clothes and rings falling off...LOL. So don't worry about me...I am getting enough fluids and protein, I just tend to beat myself up because I am a perfectionist, and it's what I do. After all, after being overweight virtually my entire life, it's very hard to think of myself ever being small. The more I lose, the more I fear that surely, soon it will stop, and I will never be "normal"...that I just wasn't made to be "normal". I don't know if everyone feels that way, or just me...but some days, I swear it's true.Good luck on your journey, and talk to ya soon!http://images.andale.com/f2/124/114/7146965/1097877171907_divider.gif">
February 4, 2005, AKA...
The Day I Wondered If This Was My Life...
And so, another day begins, seemingly like any other. My husband is still in Iraq, my daughter is still 2 years old, my cats are still crawling all over me in bed as I awaken to the aforementioned 2 year old knocking on her door, waiting for me to open it and say Good Morning.Somewhere between the Apple Juice and the new Dora the Explorer DVD, I decide that I don't feel like sitting in the house all day. So I pack up my daughter and we head off to the Navy Exchange for some good-natured browsing. Besides, I needed to get my wedding ring sized, since it fell off my hand.I don't know when it happened. I can't tell you if it was when I was getting dressed, and I put on my favorite shirt EVER, that is what I was wearing before surgery all the time (but come on, I could wear it still just really big and baggy, right?) and realized that it now looked like a tent, it wasn't even acceptable to wear "baggy"...it wasn't just BAGGY any more!; when I put on the ring sizer and had to order my ring downsized from an 8 to a 6 1/2; when I put on a size 16 pair of jeans and they fit; or when I actually picked up two size 14 pairs of jeans and bought them with absolutely no reservation, knowing that I will be fitting into them soon...but at some point, it hit me.Is this my life? Am I this person, standing here, walking through the "normal" people section, putting on a size Large top and *gasp* size 16 jeans, thinking about lightening my haircolor a couple of shades since it's winter and darkened, looking at Angelina Jolie's sense of style and wondering where I will find similiar clothes some day? Who am I? Am I this person that men I just walk by normally are looking at, rather than looking away from? Surely this isn't me. I look at myself sideways in the mirror, and I say to myself...what happened? Where's the rest? At this point, I know if I got my big, blubbery lower stomach removed (I don't know if it is considered a Panni or not, it's just a nasty shelf of skin and fat above my pubic area that doesn't seem to belong there at all, and I have had it a long time...), I would easily be in a size 14 pants. My brain says...HOW?, all while my heart rejoices. I'm virtually in shock. I wasn't even going to write a message until my 6 month post-op visit, which is on Tuesday the 8th (only 3 days!!), but I am so...amazed, that I just couldn't resist.I don't know how much I weigh...silly me, I was there at the store and didn't even CONSIDER buying a scale. Don't ask me why, I didn't even think about it. But I would like to know what I weigh now, just to see the relationship between these pant sizes and the number.I'm going to ask Jan to take a picture of me with my Digital camera at my 6 month visit, so that I have a new picture to post. Hard to take your own really, though
About Me
Before & After
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