Pat Rice
May 2009 -- Back again. This is truly the never ending journey. I love the people I meet here. It is the only unconditional and non-judgemental place I know. UNfortuantely, I have gained some weight back. Now, I am 144 lbs..up 12 lbs from lowest and never reached my goal of 120. Truth is and I have admitted this before; the weight gain is not eating properly and drinking wine too frequently and lack of exercise. I do feel hungry all the time and can eat so much more than before. Went to doctor. He ordered endoscopy and esophogram. Took both tests. Endoscopy showed a large stretched stomach. Esophogram showed nothing. Dr said it wasn't anything I did wrong, but that it is an anatomical issue. The only resolution is another 12-14K surgery. Umm, NO.
I have scheduled my plastic surgery to remove skin. I definitely do not have severe issues. But I just want to like what I see in the mirror. On 6/17/2009, I will have a LBL with TT & Breast lift revision. So scared and feel so guilty...how much more do i need? PS said I am a great candidate and will get great results. That was what I needed to hear. I will never never forget my euphoria after WLS. I felt like I had hope like never before. I don't know why that feeling has gone away. I started therapy again and hope to find resolve with my low esteem issues. In the meantime, pray for me. Hugs
n this. Here I am 9 months later and I am fighting the same old battle. Old habits do not die..period. I have gained nearly 14 lbs by grazing and nibbling on all bad foods! I swore that I will never do it again, but here I am. There was no better feeling than the one I felt in the first year. I was free ...I actually felt what it was like to be like a thin person, who didn't care about food and only ate to live. I was still very heavy, but went out socially anyway...because I was free and confident that I would lose this weight. I almost did it and was within 10 lbs of my goal. I am trying to regain my commitment and lose what I gained ++. I am scared and need to face this. I sort of feel abandoned as I live alone, don't have any single friends, have done internet dating and found that men judge me first by weight. I dated one man last year. A few months into dating, he told me I was heavyset when we first met and that I looked better having lost 5-6 more lbs. Heavyset????? it was the best I looked in years and I weighed 145 and am 5'3". It really bothered me to know that at 50 years old that men are still that judgemental. My therapist of 6-7 years moved out of state. She became in the past year someone who I finally began opening up to and she's gone. I have not been able to find someone else. The task is overwhelming to try and bring someone up to date on all my issues and life struggles from scratch. I do have an appointment with an RD who is familiar post WLS patients and I do hope that I will be able to connect with her. I did also just start back at the gym, found some info on a hiking group.
So, in addition to wanting to lose 20-25 lbs as my goal; I have 3 SUB-GOALS;
1) Stay consistent with the gym (4-5 x's per week)
2) Work with new RD faithfully to understand exactly what I am eating.
3) Join the Apalaccian Hiking Club!!!!
PRAY FOR ME!!!!
Month -- Weight - Pounds Lost -- Total Pounds Lost -- BMI
Consult -- 230 --------------------------------------42.1
8/26/05 -- 226.2--------------------------------------40.0
9/26/05 -- 196.7-----29.5------------- 29.5------------34.8
10/21/05 --182.0-----14.7--------------44.2-----------32.2
11/21/05 --170.6-----11.4--------------55.6-----------29.8
12/30/05 --158.7-----11.9--------------67.5-----------28.2
1/27/06 ---153--------5.7--------------73.2-----------27.1
2/27/06 ---150--------3.0--------------76.2-----------26.5
4/4/06 ----147--------3.0--------------79.2-----------26.0
4/28/06--- 144 -------3.0--------------82.2-----------25.5
5/31/06---137.7------6.3--------------88.5-----------24.4
7/2/06----143.7---- +6.0--------------82.5-----------25.5
8/4/06---133.8-------9.9-------------92.4------------23.7
8/30/06--132.1-------1.7-------------94.1------------23.5
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
7/2/07--139.4-------+7.3------------86.8------------24.7
5/31/09-142.9-------+10.8-----------83.3
- - - - - - - - -- - -- -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
***11 3/4 months/51weeks 8/21/06***
8/30/2006 226.2/132.1 (-94.1) One year followup with Dr. Capella. very good day. Had after photo taken and determined that I am within 15 lbs of goal. I am hoping to be 118 - 122lbs. I will work hard to achieve this. Exercise program is solid, but still struggle with grazing. Do give into cravings for sweets and carbs more than I would like or should. Have before and after photos. Will try to post.
8/24/06 226.2/132.1 (-94.1) at 3:49 pm. This is the exact day, hour and minute I was approved for WLS one year ago. I don't know why I looked at my clock just now, but I did and I happen to be sitting in the same spot at work. Really strange. Nevertheless, the absolute happiest day of my personal life, since I was never married or had a child. The scary part is that my surgery was scheduled for the next morning at 6:00am. WOW, what a diffrence a year makes. For anyone who is reading this now, this is the single best decision I have ever made for myself. I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you on the OH messageboards and in my local support group. You are my rocks each and every one of you. Because of you, I never felt so alone. YOU ALL HAVE GIANT SIZED HEARTS AND THANK YOU FOR PICKING ME UP EACH TIME I WAS DOWN! Yes, tomorrow is my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY and it feels so good. I didn't expect to fee this joy right now, but I do.
7/2/06 226.2/144(82.2) (10 months gained back 6 lbs) I didn't even take a few minutes to write last month and I wonder why I am gaining and failing again. I hate myself so much. I cannot believe that after all these months, I still cannot make permanent changes. I go to my support groups monthly, see a therapist weekly,workout 5 times per week, and now eat everything that I shouldn't. What is it about me and food???? I still can't get it??? I am less than 2 months from my 1 year anniversary and am devastated that I am not near or at goal. Ther is no reason other than the fact that I am cheating and grazing. How can I stop ??? I am lost and sad. I started internet dating back in April and was with someone for 9 weeks. Initially I thought there were wonderful possibilities and shared my WLS surgery with him. He seemed fine with it. I lost another 6-7 lbs while dating him. He told me I was heavyset when we first met. I didn't think 7 lbs could make such a difference. I felt bad and can't seem to get it off my mind. The relationship
did not work out and I feel sad and am resorting to my old friend food for comfort. Why haven't I learned anything??? I am scared I am failing again!!!!!! I am so lost!!! I wish I could turn the clock back and have the surgery again. Such a loser.
4/28/06 - 226.2/144(-82.2) (8 months/35 wks). The work in this process has definitely begun. Exercise is no longer a fear but something I am starting to enjoy. While the scale is not moving much at all, I know the inches are dropping by the fit of my clothes. I am however becoming very critical of myself in the mirror and starting to see every flaw and imperfection. Something I didn't allow myself to see 82 lbs ago. When does the self-hate stop. Does it ever stop?
Started internet dating...scared to share my secret (WLS), the scar and me. When is the time right? Don't know if I can achieve a healthy intimate relationship.
Losing 3 lbs per month is driving me crazy. A loss is a loss and I am grateful. Once again, my eating is not perfect. The very things I should not eat go down the easiest and don't make me sick. I get sick a few times per month. It is because of eating too fast and/or not chewing enough. I live alone and for some reason cannot sit down at the table to eat. I often find myself standing in the kitchen.
I am desperate to reach my goal of (-20) more lbs. It is something I could never do before and is just something that has to happen.
In conclusion, I could not have gotten this far without my OH friends and this website. What an amazing group and website. No-one understands like all of you.
4/4/06 - 226.2/147 (-79.2) weigh 147 today(7 months out). Wow have things ever stalled. It is torture, but I admit to eating carbs again and eating sweets. Not alot but apparently enough to halt my weight loss. I am in my 2nd week of a committed exercise routine. I believe it may have jump started my weight loss since I just lost 3 lbs overnight ..yeah! When I exercise, I drink alot more water. So, one good thing leads to another. I still crave certain carbs, and need to stay away. Planning on seeing a nutritionist so I can get to goal...125!!!!Just had period 2nd month in a row.
3/1/06 - 226.2/150 (-76.2)weigh 150 again today. But, I finally got my period after 2 months. I hope this gets weight loss back on track. Had very serious oral surgery yesterday(bone transplant). Very sore and staying home from work for a few days. Cannot exercise for a while. I really am excited about my period coming. I guess hormones are a little messed up.
2/27/06- 226.9/154 on DR.'s scale with clothes. Had my 6 month follow up appt. That is -72.9 lbs, but my records at home weigh-ins (no clothes) are 226.2/150 (-76.2). I have been stuck for over 5 weeks. Started exercise on 2/12 45 mins on treadmill. My legs are trimming but not much else. Have missed 2 periods. Think it is messing up my weight loss. Dr. thinks I will only lose 19 lbs more at the end of the year. That would make me 135. My goal is to be 122 and I am worried.
2/25/06 -150.0 lbs(-76.2)..only one day till my 6 month anniversary. Looks like only -3 lbs this month. Oh no, why is it stopping so soon? Started exercise on 2/12 (45 minutes on treadmill) 5-6 days per week. I feel better and stronger for it, but thought it would have helped the scale move better by now. I do and can eat more. Pretty good food choices, but perhaps too frequently. Do feel a little stressed out in past month and a half. Haven't had a period in over 2 months(last time on 12/24/05). Don't understand what is going on with my body? It is starting to get to me. I really want and need to make my goal of 122 lbs or
-104lbs. Still have 28 lbs to go. Not so bad in the big picture, but I feared this stage alot because I could never get to my goal or beyond this point. My 6 months check-up is Monday 2/27/06. I will discuss with my doctor.
12/30/2005 -18 weeks out today! 226/158..-68lbs..Time is flying. I reflect on my life as this year comes to an end and I am so excited about having WLS. It was a good year indeed! I battle depression and have serious self esteem issues. I am a bit nervous about the future and want to be excited but have fear. I know that WLS cannot cure my internal sadness. I feel lonely right now. It could be that New Years is here and I am alone, but don't want to be. I will take my mother out for dinner. She is so depressed about missing my father, her obesity and feeling old. I don't know what to do or how to help her. I feel so much for her that I feel that I am her and that life is about getting old and being alone and sad like my poor mother. I am trying so hard to build my own life but can't seem get through my head and worries. I slipped a bit with my eating(emotional) and I can clearly see the old habits trying to get through. I am fighting but I am scared. I failed at weight loss and maintenance so many times. This would truly be the ultimate failure for me. I love that I had the courage to have WLS and tried to change my destiny that appears to be much like my Mom's. I don't want to feel that the later years of my life are so negative and that there is nothing to look forward to. Anyway, I will try harder to change.
11/29/05 13 1/2 weeks. 226/168 ...58 lbs. Just found out my BMI is 29.8 which just makes me overweight...not OBESE anymore. Still no exercise but starting to get caught up on paperwork and stuff at home. Feeling a little better.
11/21/05 12 week anniversary...had 3 month follow-up with Doc today. Lost 55 total 226/171. Pleased with loss, but feeling I am not doing all I can to succeed. Not very motivated to walk or exercise, very dis-appointed in myself. Signs of that lazy,fat girl still lurk. I must try to get back on track. The less I exercise the less water I can consume. Must focus on how drastic surgery was and that I was willing to do anything to get the weight off. Thanksgiving holiday opened my cravings for certain foods. Starting to feel vulnerable...must fight it!!!!!
10/21/05 8 week anniversary today. Weight on home scale is 182. Lost 44 lbs total. 226/197/182 (-44). So thrilled.
Read in someone's profile and it really hit home with me.."I am amazed how the ability to love myself has always been tied into my weight".
I am changing..it is surprising to me. I am still very heavy, but I am calm about it for the first time ever. I am beginning to believe in my heart and in my mind that I can do this. I feel so at peace! This is a bonus that comes with WLS that I never expected. I am so grateful.
9/26/05 4 week anniversary...had one month follow-up today. Time has flown by. It seemed to drag while waiting for insurance approval. I lost 29 lbs. since last weigh in before surgery.... 226/197. I am thrilled, grateful and blessed. I have been reading about some recent post-op deaths and it breaks my heart as they so deserved this second chance at life. God bless their souls!
9/16/05 APPROVED finally on 8/25/2005 at 3:38 pm !!!!!! Surgery was 8/26/2005. My advice to everyone is don't ever give up! This website has been incredibly informative and helpful.
8/15/2005 Weight has been the battle of my life. I think it had something to do with the generation I grew up with, because if you were heavy you were somehow not worthy of being loved.I thought I knew all there was to know about myself; until I researched WLS and stated my case to the insurance companies. I knew I wanted the surgery, but after recapping my life of dieting and exercise; I was sure it was my only hope. My date is 8/26/2005, but believe it or not I am stillwaiting for final insurance approval. It is down to the wire but I am thinking positively.