Things to remember

Jun 28, 2011

This post is mainly a way for me to remember once my journey is in process and when I look back that  I have not forgotten how it feels now nor where I have come from.

My beloved Aunt Rene died two weeks ago.  It was sudden and tragic.  She had early onset Alzheimer's and was going to the bathroom and mistook the basement door for the bathroom door and walked in expecting solid ground but instead found stairs.  I wanted to go to her funeral desperately since she was indeed the favorite of my fathers sisters and her passing was painful for the entire family.  However, as the day approached, I began having the self doubt issues, the horrible insecurity of hurts from the past from my father's other sisters and realized ~  I NEED to get past these things.  Some of these people were truly horrible to me in the past due to my weight (they said I was fat when I had just had a baby and was at 175 lbs, stupid, ignorant people).  But the comments hurt, and the shame has followed me all these years and has made me not want to participate in any family gatherings for fear of having to be subjected to this again.  But, what I have come to realize is even though their outer shell may reflect a smaller person, their inner core is ugly.  I have always wondered why someone would say such horrible things to another person, when I would never say anything that awful to anybody?  I don't know, but it is something I need to let go so I can be successful in this journey.  I do not want to be spiteful nor do I wish to carry this hurt any longer.  I deeply regret not honoring my Aunt Rene's life by attending her memorial and it is something that I will not allow to happen in the future, I know that who I am inside is far better than their outer shell, so I am going to make a point of showing up to family gatherings.

Next, I am finally becoming more comfortable with who I am.  I know that this sounds funny to some, but it is true.  I have become more outspoken to people who offend me and I find that it is rather liberating.  Now, i would never call anybody a bitch or anything unless they have truly earned that title, but if someone - and this is mainly family - offend me by their remarks or narrow minded viewpoints, I am going to say something.  I find it appalling that they think that they can say things about people and not offend anybody, and that it is OK.  Maybe other people are offended but are too afraid to speak out, but I am through tiptoeing around them and will let them know I am offended.  

I am excited to begin this journey, not because I am desiring to be skinny or thin, but because I excited about being able to live again, have more self confidence and getting out there and enjoying life.  This is about getting healthy and participating instead of watching from the sidelines!


So - rules for the present and the future:
1.  Treat everyone with kindness and compassion until they have earned to be treated otherwise.
2.  Reserve judgment, there is no way of knowing the trials and tribulations in other peoples lives
3.  Give yourself a break.  This is to myself - GIVE YOURSELF  A BREAK! and apply number 1 & 2 to yourself as well.

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