daisy.chain
My Story
I guess I will start at the beginning. I was a big baby. My mother said (looking back) that I had some disadvantages, metabolically speaking. She said she ate donuts every day of her pregnancy, that she breastfeed me when she was Rh negative and I was Rh positive, so I got antibodies that didn't work for me, and that she didn't like feeding babies so at 3 months my older brothers and sisters were in charge of feeding me. They had feeding contests to see how much cereal they could get into me. For me, this is the only relevant situation of those three scenarios. I was overfed, daily, at each meal. If I refused food they would wait a few minutes and give me more. I was in the high chair for hours. This began my life and an over eater. By the time I was in 4th grade (9), I was well over 100 pounds. I was an anxiety eater too. From as early as I can remember I ate large amounts and vomited...every holiday, birthday, vacation, or any kind of celebration. My mother said I had a nervous stomach, which was partially true.
As I went though school I got all the benefits of being the biggest fattest kid; the teasing, the taunting, the laughing, the disgust, wearing the clothing and style of a 45 year old woman. I got the same treatment at home. My self-esteem was abysmal. I didn't care about me.
So I continued my adult life loving and hating food. The only thing I felt was physically appealing about me, was my face. I was lucky to have an girl next door face, which made me feel sort of acceptable. My whole world used to revolve around whether I was acceptable to others.
Once I grew some maturity, I was able to make it less and less important that I was so big. In fact I got so good at not caring about what people thought of me, that I developed a real 'F You' attitude. Obviously, I went to the opposite extreme.
One of the things that probably increased my self esteem was that I realized I was gay. Sounds strange, I know. I found a world of women who accepted who they were, as they were, and refused to conform to many of the social confinements forced on women. That helped me to accept myself more. I wasn't able to cast off all social conformity, but I was able to look at it and decide if it was right for me or not. I decided that being so overweight was not right for me, but it didn't mean I was an awful , weak, lazy, gluttonous person, that wasn't as worthy as thinner people.
By the end of my twenties, I had found my life partner. I knew yo-yo dieting was not a solution for me, so I attended 6 years of Over-eaters Anonymous. After 6 years, I decided there was nothing left for me there. I had gotten all the benefit that I believed I could out of that program. It made me a much better person, but not a smaller person. My weight was stable for several years during that time.
During that time my partner and I had two daughters, that she gave birth to, and we were establishing a great family together. I had been told I could not have children, although I always wanted to carry a child.
Finally, I decided that I would pursue weight loss surgery. At the same time I learned that I might be able to have a baby using IVF. (Two amazing medical advances to choose from!) I decided that I needed to at least try to have a baby before WLS because of the possible issues of malnutrition, etc. It took 5 years to actually have a baby! In 2009 I had a perfect beautiful baby boy. Five months later I was in a WLS seminar starting the process again.
It has been 11 months and all the poking, prodding, examinations, and evaluations are now complete. Insurance has approved the RNY surgery for me, and Oct 4th is THE DAY! It is the end of one journey and the beginning of another.
I have a lot of challenges going on this new journey. I don't feel prepared mentally and emotionally right now. I know I need support. Being a more normal size person is not something I can really relate to. But that may work in my favor. I am not trying to reclaim a body I remember and miss. I am embracing a different version of me in a body I have not yet experienced. I hope to be brave and open to change, whatever it may be. I hope this is the gift I wish it to be, the gift of a healthier and more energetic life.
I appreciate you reading my story.
