H-Bomb

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I just want everyone to know that everyone's pictures are beautiful.  Before, after.  It doesn't matter.  I'm discouraged by people who say their before pictures are terrible/ugly/horrible.  Love who you are at any size.  You are you no matter what shell you are in.  I LOVE ME!

Okay, I'm officially addicted to the before and after pictures.  I'm 8 days away from surgery; lots of emotions, good and bad.  I have almost brought myself to tears looking at the after pictures.  These people look normal.  Normal.  I have never looked or felt normal in my life.  I've always been the fat girl.  The out of shape girl.  The girl that was looked over.  The girl that was made fun of.  Can it really change?  One of my biggest fears is sabotaging myself.  Why do I seem to strive to maintain a lifestyle that makes me feel lousy? (stream of consciousness coming...)  I WANT TO BE NORMAL TOO.  I don't want to be the prettiest.  I don't want to be the skinniest.  I don't want to be special anymore.  8 days.  I hope I see the other side.  I hope I lose all this stupid, hold me back weight.  I hope I never see it again.  I have been through worse and made it.  I can do this.  I CAN DO THIS. 

I got on this site by googling "bariatric surgery before and after pictures."  I am scheduled for roux en y gastric bypass on September 15, and I needed some positive motivation.  I am a registered nurse, certified in the operating room.  So naturally, surgery on myself terrifies me, even though I know elective surgeries almost always go smoothly.  It's the *almost* part that scares me, but truthfully I don't think I've ever seen an elective surgery go bad, but I digress.  As of last Monday my weight was 294 pounds.  I have been overweight most of my life; my weight as an adult has varied anywhere between 230 - 317.  I was always a chunky kid, but my weight skyrocketed to around 200 pounds when I was 12 and my father passed away from a heart attack.  I managed to get down to 165 in high school (I met a boy) but put all the weight back on plus more when I left for college.  After college, that particular boy and I got married and had a baby, and I was up around 280 afterward.  I yo-yo'd around for a bit and then gained a ton when I started nursing school.  Just before I started school again, I had surgery on my ankle, and that surgery led to me having a blood clot in my legs that travelled to my lungs and almost killed me.  I had the great fortune to be taken to a hospital that had an excellent vascular surgeon and he fixed me up, but the fear of getting another blood clot is palpable. (aside: I promised myself I wouldn't write much in this blog.  good job, H.)

More to come:  looking forward to the bowel prep!