ainjul

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

So my surgery was on the 23rd. Last Tuesday. I am TOTALLY alive. *nodding* popscicles have never EVER tasted so good, even as a kid I never liked em half this much. As for my surgery, all I remember prior to it was sitting in the lil office NEXT DOOR to the place they presumably rip your tummy out of, shaking like a leaf because I was all ALONE, and then the I was given a hair net (which... blue? unflattering, but at least it was a Cubby blue!) then led out of there by a bunch of friendly young thangs I was gonna let see my fat in all its glory. Thank god I will never see them again >.> Not that I dont TOTALLY appreciate them keeping me alive and stuff, but that would be awkward at parties "hi I'm a fat broad that had a tattoo on her arm that you said was pretty cool?" though frankly, I'm sure they see ALOT of fat broads *L* Anyhow, after I was teehee-ing over something not even funny (pre-op valium makes EVERYTHING funny) they mercifully knock my butt out and have at my innards... apparently with hack saws and just any ole thing that might do the trick.

I kid. Honestly.

It just FELT that way after I woke up. My mom and hubby hadn't even gotten to the room yet when some old harpys telling me to roll over onto my side. WOMAN. I'VE got TINY SHARKS IN MY TUMMY WITH GIANT TEETH. CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS??? But roll I did and I gotta say... I totally burped in her face. These people dont get paid enough.... I grayed out then. Dont remember much till my mom and hubby showed up having been there apparently for a while. >.>

Its probably just as well I had a single room.... my entire family curses.... alot... never noticed till then *L* Yes we are definately one of those families that need to be put aside in some private corner so everyone else can feel normal. >.> We're just.... unique <.<

Anyhow.... I really do not remember much about the hospital stay except for hearing, I kid you not, THE sound of a broken heart. I couldn't tell what was wrong, I couldn't tell who and how, but the shriek was one no one ever should have to utter in their entire lives. Whoever was screaming, and whoever they were screaming for, I hope its all over and done with now. That much grief can collapse worlds, and not just the worlds we carry around in ourselves.

Its all kinda been a blur. This entire pre-quest (kinda like gathering rations and checking ones armor before battle) has been a complete blur to me. I couldn't tell you what date I first met Dr. Cirangle. I just know it was before my mothers birthday. I dont even remember if I blogged about it or not. I was editing a manuscript today and suddenly felt like bawling or laughing. Surgery... on Tuesday. THIS COMING TUESDAY. What the fuck am I going to be doing to myself??? Starting my life? Losing a food buddy? What? What will I do when I crave a snack? Am I undermining myself with these thoughts? Can I stop thinking these things? It feels unbelievably selfish of me to dare want to lose weight this way, I'm a house wife who really only looks after mother, grand mother and husband. I have no children that take up my day, why can't I lose weight on my own? Why why why and more why. I've typed that word so many times its starting to loose meaning for me. This is a funk I know it but I can't get rid of it. Emo. I'll be better tomorrow.

So. I'm done. all pre-op stuff was done today. 9 vials of blood. the lady at the lab looked at me all horrified when the label printer just kept printing out labels for those itty vials. I think she thought I was dying. For reals woman... the lady behind me in line has cancer I think shes gonna have more labels than me, try to keep the horrified look under control okay? Upper Gi test? FUN. Except for the barium. And the pop rocks. WTF I felt like I was literally being filled with helium. Still that table ride was pretty fun all things considering. The doc and nurse had great senses of humor so that helped PLUS I got to see my INNARDS. DOOD the body is an amazing thing.



*panic is due to mostly not knowing if my check has arrived safely for surgery. I hate the fucking postal service.

Well, my daruma doll is about to get a right eyeball. For those who dont know I am obviously black, but I'm a quarter japanese and I like to try to keep the traditions (the interesting ones, frankly, if you fart theres a tradition that needs to be followed I'm certain) alive. So, my daruma doll is pretty much a wish giving doll. its in the form of a priest and round like a gourd. Normally made from paper it'll roll around if you push it over then right itself kinda like a weeble *L* Its lushly colored except for its eyes which are white and blank. Thats the wish giving part. When you start your path to your wish you fill in its right eye, normally with black ink. Which in tradition, asks the kami (god/gods) to watch over your progress. When you finish and have successfully attained your wish, you fill in the left eye. which is pretty much "lookit meeee I did it. Gimme brownie points for the afterlife". So, on the 22nd, my quest to shed 120 pounds will be watched over by the kami, and within a year or so I'll have the left eye filled in (come hell or high water seriously). The doll is currently sitting between my luck cat and a drawing of leopards my bestest friend in the known universe made for me for christmas. ^___^

Ganbattane for me!

By the way, 9 times out of 10 my titles mean nothing on these blogs. I just hate the unfilled space yanno? SO! faxed 16 pages of my "are you SURE you know what the hell you're doing" packet and I am now freeeeeeeee till next week where I will have a talk with the dietitian then the peoples from the hospital asking about my medical history. Then upper GI then blood test then.... AHHHHHHHHHH somehow I've gone from having a metric fuck-ton of time and now its like.... too little. Did someone let off a black hole when I wasn't looking? Strange Matter?

Anyhow, I'm off to sams club.... high protein diet in a can! BRILLIANT!

I'm super cranky and I dont know why. Tried reading a book out of my favorite series and that isn't working... played Resistance Fall of Man and thats not helping either (and a day when killing the fuck out of some aliens doesn't relax you, then you know its gonna be bad) I'm just cranky because I'm not allowed to be anything but sunshiny in my house. When I get cranky, I'm being selfish, at least thats how my mother feels about it. I'm never allowed to lash out because I'm cranky. Because its not polite. When the shoes on the other foot its completely acceptable. and I DO accept it because, I'm her kid, not her mother. That blood respect however only goes so far though. And if she keeps pushing me today I'm afraid I'm going to loose my shit completely.

Informed Consent for is Huge like Xbox. I swear my fingers cramped up a couple thousand times. "I understand and agree" was staring to look wrong everytime I wrote that fucker. Also, my internal spell check is on the fritz so I'm gonna fax that bad boy over and they're going to think I'm an idiot. >.> ANYHOW, Tuesday is the fax date then I have my shrink call me and shrink my brains... then the nutritionist, THEN the hospital person is calling me to get my medical history. DOOD. I just hope my upper GI results can get to my surgeon quickly... the test is the 16th... the surgery is the 23rd. OY. If I have to reschedule my surgery date AGAIN because of Kaiser I'm going to be flaming pissed.

Okay so. I've been playing hokey pokey with surgery dates. First the 15th of September, then the 9th of september, NOW its the 23 of september. You know WHY all of this is happening? Because Kaiser is run by dumbasses. An upper GI test is pretty damned important. And the earliest Kasier could schedule me for a test was september 16th. soooooooooooooo.... that woulda been after my september 9th surgery which FUCKING USELESS springs to mind. SO now its the 23rd. ON a high note, I dont have to take the sleep apnea test thank fucking GOD. Knowing Kaiser it'd take a couple of months to schedule that shit and I want this done NOW. BEFORE Christmas if you please, I got shopping to do then.

I'm a pizza hound. I love love me some thick crust pizza hut pizza. the crispy bottom... the wonderful cheese (no sauce) the chicken and black olive.... christ excuse me a moment I'm going to go write a sonnet about pizza apparently!

Back. My "hey nonny nonnies" have been worked out of my system finally. I had my last piece of left over pizza (practicing chewing as well! be proud!) and it wasn't that good. Maybe the chewing had emulsified it to the point of extracting all the grease? Who knows, at any rate, it was a bittersweet fare well. This farewell to food is for my own good, if I can abstain without surgery I'll be able to do it pretty easily afterwards. At least thats the idea.

I'm resigned to this sleep apnea test, I have to do it so no point in bitching anymore. it will not stop me from whining privately however. >.>

I'm about to the point of driving down to San Fran and standing in front of the surgical coordinator so I can get my damned date. Two days of calling and three emails and nothing so far. If shes on vacation I'd kinda like to freaking know... I've got labs scheduled already!!! I already gave you money I'd like to know WHEN I'm going to have my post op squee fest (or fart fest... please dear god dont let me get gassy... I hate farting in public worse than barfing in public)

Farting aside, I think I may actually upload a pic of MYSELF to the site. I NEVER post pics of me. NEVER EVER. Why? I dunno, its not just cuz I'm fat. Maybe I have issues. ^__^

Golden brown texture like sun
Lays me down with my mind she runs
Throughout the night
No need to fight
Never a frown with golden brown

Every time just like the last
On her ship tied to the mast
To distant lands
Takes both my hands
Never a frown with golden brown

Golden brown finer temptress
Through the ages she's heading
West
From far away
Stays for a day
Never a frown with golden brown

Never a frown
With golden brown
Never a frown
With golden brown

that song has been stuck in my head for a week. ARRGH.