April J.

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I couldn't figure-out why I woke up this morning in such a depressed state until I realized the date.  Tomorrow will be my two year anniversary after having a revision to a RNY.   I knew it was coming soon but had mentally suppressed it.  I came close to my second goal once, at a weight of 255 but since then I am up and down 6 - 8 lbs.  Full of excuses, I can tell you that I never really felt like the procedure was working.  Honestly, I was hungry before I left the hospital.  Even now, I am always hungry.  Never got sick or had any major issues as a result of surgery.  I can eat anything!  No fear of dumping, nausea or vomiting.  I am very grateful for the weight I have lost but I definitely need to lose more.  I was never concerned about being thin, I just wanted to be healthy and at a comfortable weight.  Currently, I think if I lost another 60 - 70lbs, I would be well pleased.  60 - 70 lbs isn't that much considering where I was at my max weight of 375 but its still a lot.  Now what?  I have read about the 5 day pouch test and am planning to start that the day after Easter.  Last time I tried to do the plan, I didn't get through the first day.  Damn! 

Reading my previous posts, I burst into tears.  How could I let this happen?  I feel so discouraged and ashamed.  It took me all of two years to finally make the decision to have the revision done.  I don't follow-up with my surgeon nor dietitian.  I don't go to support group and no one has ever called to check-in with me either.  I feel like I have been let down.  I let myself down.  This is seriously the toughest fight I have battled for many years now.  I gave up on myself once and feel like I could easily do that again.  I don't want to disappoint my family or myself but I feel stuck in a rut.

Since December, I have been off work with a condition called vestibular neuritis which affects my balance and vision.  This makes it very difficult to exercise, walking is a challenge most days.  This is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!  I may look okay to most but trust me this has been one hell of an ordeal. 

Well, enough boo-hooing for now.  I AM ABLE TO DO ALL THING THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME and I will continue to fight so long as there is breath in my body to do so.  I don't have all the answers but I know I will not give up the good fight.  Keep praying for me y'all.

Everyday gets a little better.  I continue to workout in the gym and do my best to follow my meal plan.  Reminding myself that I didn't get this way overnight and its going to take one day at a time to reach my goals.  Thinking back to all the bad habits I indulged in, its a wonder how I survived.  I feel so much better, not only physically but mentally and emotionally.  I was in such desperation that I gave up on myself and didn't know how to overcome my weight issues.  Now I am beginning to realize there is no magic or easy way out.  I have struggled to get to this point but I now know I am fighting the good fight.  I can't wait to lose another 50 lbs!  I pray to God to continue to give me the strength.

That's what my new trainer tells me when I am working out.  Yes, I finally joined a gym.  I am trying very hard not to get bored and stay on track.  This is a lifestyle change for me and I find myself from time to time slipping back into my old ways.  I figured if I get a trainer they would help me be accountable for my actions.  I am a little depressed in the sense that I haven't lost much but I understand that this is all new to my body and it needs time to adjust.  Patience I know. 

I plan to take a short weekend getaway very soon and I am nervous about eating out.  I have my food list and I will try very hard to stay with it.  I find that I can eat a lot more than I am suppose to and this makes it difficult for me.  I want to eat healthy foods but eat without calling attention to what I leave on the plate.  Is that weird? 

Remembering to squeeze, breathe and drink lots of water.

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That's exactly what I am doing, taking it one day at a time.  Each day its gets a little easier but I know I will struggle with this the rest of my life.  I think that once I have a better idea of how my body works I will better understand what I can do and not do.  Amazingly, I have lost 45lbs thus far and I feel great! I am hoping that I won't hit another plateau anytime soon.  I finally, can see the weight loss and I am loving every pound of it.  That has been my greatest motivation.  My clothes are getting very loose and I am afraid I am not going to make it through the summer before having to buy new ones.  I know.....poor me.

Some of the challenges has been mostly at work.  I feel like I am under a microscope.  Everyday, someone asks how much have I lost and people watch what I am eating.  One particular co-worker kinda got upset with me because she thought I was eating too much.  I had only brought my lunch with me and because I work 12 hr. shifts I should have brought my dinner too.  However, this day I went to the cafeteria and got a plain grilled chicken breast and some green peas.  This co-worker saw the plate of food and told me that she was only eating those small medicine cups sized portions when she was where I am now.  When I explained to her that I didn't plan on eating everything on my plate that didn't seem to satisfy her.  I laughed it off and told her that I appreciated her concerns but not to worry.  Later that week, I find out that she had went to a close friend of mine and told her!  The more I thought about it, the more angry I became.  I don't need a watch dog!  I knew she meant well but I think she took it a too far. 

I had some issues with circulation in my legs causing some numbness and pain but that has seem to resolve its self.  My doctor tells me this will get better as I lose weight.  Lord, I hope so.  I just want to be healthy and not have to be on medications. 

I reached my first mile stone and passed the 300 lb. mark!  I am so excited to reach my next goal of 250 lbs.  I am hoping I will get there by my birthday.  Then the real journey for me will begin.  That's about the weight I was when I lost a 110 lbs from the gastric stapling I had in 1996.  I didn't know that my staple line had disrupted causing me to stop losing and ultimately I gained a great deal of the weight back.  With Gods help, I hope to see 199 on the scales and continue towards my goal of 150. 

I returned to work yesterday after being off for 6 weeks!  I was a nervous wreck, wondering how I was going to manage but I am glad to say I did very well.  My co-workers were all glad to see me.  Of course, there were lots of questions about how much I had lost and comments on how they could tell in my face and my baggy clothes.  Honestly, I wasn't looking forward to telling people I had only lost 36lbs thus far.  I really hit a plateau but continued to lose inches and it kinda of messed with my head a bit.  But 36lbs is 36lbs.  I was in the grocery store thinking about those pounds and realized I couldn't carry 36lbs of meat!  Which made me actually feel better about it all.  36lbs is an accomplishment!  On the down side, this is a lot of hard work!  Don't allow anyone to chastise you for taking the "easy" way to weight loss.  Shut them down!  I am much happier, healthier and on my way to becoming the person I want to be.  Its really no ones business how you get there.

After being home for 5 days, I get to stretch my legs a bit.  I had a follow-up with my surgeon today.  Everything went very well with my doctor.  I got my JP drain out and my surgical wounds look fine.  The only problem seems to be constipation at this point.  Nothing a dose of MOM shouldn't cure.  I have not experienced any nausea or vomiting.  I just couldn't tolerate the texture of crushed calcium so I change to GNC's liquid formula.  The protein powder I initially used with soy milk, just made me feel so full, I am now using Isopure.  Actually, this is a much better form of protein without all the "stuff" added that you find in most store bought whey protein.  The fluid retention is much better and my legs feel normal again. 

I can't believe that I have lost 15 lbs already!  I didn't do pre-op measurements but I guess I will be doing them now!  5 inches! Really?  OMG.  I just might fit back into my summer clothes yet.  I am glad I didn't give them away.  I already cleared my closet of any fall/winter clothing because I know I won't fit them when the times comes.  SHOPPING!  I pray that I don't develop an addiction.  I love clothes but never really invested in them because of my weight.  I have put my friends and family on alert to keep me in check.

Lastly, my mother took me to my visit.  After wards, she wanted to get something to eat and so we went to the hospital's restaurant.  This was going to be a problem, so I thought, but I did just fine.  I looked, I sniffed and I watched but did not partake in it.  I got myself a large cup of ice and poured my Isopure in it and sat there without a care in the world.  I know that we are supposed to be using a sippy cup but realistically, I am a grown woman and I looked ridiculous.  I was very conscious of my sips through the straw and did just fine.  I was tired when I got home but stayed up and did things around the house.  The old me would have just went to bed.

Finally, the day has come and I couldn't be more ready.  Originally my surgery was scheduled for October 2009 but had to be reschedule due to a new onset of Diabetes.  Which was discovered during my pre-op labs.  My PCP strongly suggested that I wait until my Hbg A1C was down to a normal level.  I was completely devastated to say the least.  But after several months of working very closely with my PCP, I was able to improve my health.  However, this is not what actually got me to this day.  My insurance needed to reschedule my surgery, otherwise I would lose my acceptance and have to begin the whole process again.  I wasn't about to have that happen!  So, I went ahead and scheduled a new surgery date and informed my PCP.  Although my PCP was a bit nervous, she agreed so long as it was okay with my surgeon.  Well, here I am, reporting for surgery at 6 am.

The process was as smooth as it could have possibly been.  My mom, was directed to a waiting area and given a pager.  I was whisked away to pre-op.  I was placed in my own pre-op room and given a gown and compression stockings to change into.  My nurse, anesthesiologist, surgery nurse and surgeon all came in and talked with me regarding the procedure.  Once all the details were in order I was walked into the surgery suite and assisted upon the table.  I'm not sure how I feel about this but the experience was not as bad as 'Dead woman walking'.   My anesthesiologist informed me that Dr. Huse likes country music and so this explained the music softly playing.  I was given a sedative at which time I quickly glanced at the clock to make note of the time but vaguely remember it now.  I think it was 7:49 am.  I don't remember even closing my eyes.

In the post-op recovery room, my nurse was standing at bedside during something, I don't remember but I think she was taking a set of vital signs.  There were two student nurses also standing nearby, observing.  I had some difficulty with breathing and was given another nebulizer treatment.  Prior to surgery I was also given one due to a recent illness with bronchitis.  After my treatment I felt much better and only needed 2L of oxygen.  I didn't need another treatment again until 3 days later, after being up walking and only used oxygen for the first day after surgery.   

I was in the hospital for four days.  As a nurse myself, I was curious to see how well I would be treated as a patient.  I was treated very well by all my caregivers.  They made my stay as pleasant as a hospital stay could be considering.  As a side note:  don't get over zealous with the chicken broth!  I never thought about all the sodium in it and now have a large amount of swelling that has hindered my weight loss.  I am sure under all the fluid retention, I have lost but I am not exactly sure at this time how much is actual weight loss.  Over all, I was very pleased and relieved that my recovery went without a hitch. 

It has been 6 days now since surgery.  So far, with the exception of some moderate abdominal pain, the swelling and an annoying JP drain left in until my first follow-up visit, I am doing very well.  The first few days home has not been too bad.  I am still taking pain medication and it makes me very sleepy.  Its difficult getting in all my fluids and meds.  I suggest having a timer with you at all times.  It seems that I have something I need to do every 2 hours.  I get up early and start my day at 6 am.  I am experimenting with how to set up my meds and meals.  Having to wait 30 minutes after a meal, I try to stay up and do a little around the house but then I have to take a nap.  This is where the timer really comes in handy.  I try and limit my naps to about 30 minutes and I also sip water during the night when I awaken.  I started taking the protein supplements and changed my calcium to a liquid.  I could not tolerate crushing my pills, too gritty and it made me cough.  Ouch!  I guess it will take a little time to get into a grove.  Each day it gets a little better and a little easier.