alleygnat
The answer to your question; Why am I a Dick?!
May 26, 2009
What Questions haven't I answered?
"you've missed about a dozen of them... all personal ones as to WHY you feel the need to be the one to "give the sting", questions about your history, starting weight, current weight, all kinds of stuff. It's really hard to take you seriously at all without any proof that you even have an issue, resolved the issue, or are just a troll. (My vote is for the latter. I think you've transferred your food addiction from food to being a jackass.)"
Oh? Those Questions!
That's easy. Because I was right there were you are a year ago. And I was so much into myself and my own pity and self lying, etc. that I could not think straight. The fact is that all people have emotional issues. How they come out varies though. Drinking, Shopping, Plastic Surgery, gambling, Eating ...whatever it takes to try to be happy. But it never works.
I wished someone had the Cojonas to knock me across the head and make me see myself way before hand on this board. I lost a lot of years.
The fact is though that most people don't seek the emotional wellness route because we [What psychologist call "our inner child"] will do anything to avoid being hurt or experiencing emotional pain.
The problem is that there are two parts of each of us. The little kid [from about 4yo or younger even and into our teens and twenties] that was sexually abused, made fun of, had major or minor emotional trauma with no one there to properly care for them. {Which is most of the population but to varying extents) and the Adult we grew up to be despite ourselves.
Now hear this loud and clear! This applies to Doctors, Lawyers, Presidents, Scientists, etc. It has nothing to do with how we think cognitively or at least consciously or our intelligence. In fact, Fat people are usually remarkably intelligent just like Alcoholics and other addicts We just can't stand ourselves. I myself have two degrees and received all kinds of awards, etc. but that didn't stop me from thinking "they made a mistake" That I fooled them...If they only knew the real me...they would take them back. I KNEW I was unworthy and "less Than" My whole life and no one could talk me out of it. But it was the adult that got the degrees, awards etc....Not the Little Kid.
The little kid Was still 4yo. And just like any 4 yo kid, he didn't want to feel Sadness, Fear or Anger. They hurt and like all kids, we will do anything to avoid feeling those emotions. Try as we might by ourselves, we will not go there and feel that stuff.
Now the adult gets a little older and has some success in life but failures too. Here comes the Humiliation, Disgust, Embarrassment, Guilt, etc. and that leads the adult into low self esteem. We avoid it and try to hide it from ourselves and others but we know...and others know..but if we admit it, it feels like we will die or pass out. The self deception is all we have. It is how we define ourselves...so we just go along with it...and the Anxiety (Fear) Anger and Sadness (Depression) comes along for the ride.
What is happening is that the little kid is still in control. No one was there to provide the correct emotional Guidance such that that part of us grew up with the rest of us.
Think about a child that gets hurt or embarrassed in a game and goes home to mommy. No mommy Home or unavailable emotionally because of her own problems...Unresolved trauma for the Kid. Or Sexual Abuse of the Child ( Which I found out is WAY more common than I ever could have imagined including for little boys) and daddy ignores it because Gram-pa would never do that or That would cause a huge issue to deal with in the family...so the little kid is left alone to fend for him/herself. And like all little kids They will go the the candy store or start drinking when they can or whatever to dull the injustice of not being supported or cared for.
We get a Littlee older and we buckle down and work like hell or study like hell but we can never stop to feel the full extent of the injustice done to the little kid and he/she over rides the adult. Always has and always will until the trauma is dealt with and care is given as it should have been in the first place.
So what do I mean by the proper support. It is not babying the little kid. That just produces a spoiled brat and that's how the kid cared for him/herself all along. By spoiling themselves. The Little kid will think: I deserve it! No one was there! so fuck them! I'm gonna get myself an ice cream cone or two or three. That with enough pizza and fat burgers, etc. will numb the pain....Problem is is that it works! At least for the little kid...but not the adult.
The proper care would be more like an adult taking sexual abuse seriously and talking with us in a calm and loving fashion but never promising anything but love and encouragement. They can't take the abuse back but they can care. Or The kid that was made fun of..The adult would again be there for support and love and encouragement but would not baby us. Would not promise us that it would never happen again. They would just guide us how to respond the next time until we felt the self confidence to do so ourselves.
The proper care is best left to be defined by the professional for any given situation. I'm not a pro. Just a former Fat person That did this "Emotional Work" as they call it.
You see I had already burnt out for a few months years ago and ended up doing drugs heavy duty and couldn't stop. I was a professional and very embarrassed especially when I went back to work. I had panic attacks since I was in High School and I was always depressed. After I burnt out I had lots of "Cognitive Counseling. Just think positive. put one foot in front of the other. Blah, Blah Blah. Then there was AA. Let Go and Let God, One Day at a time, Meditation, Serenity prayer...I became a babbling idiot. It got me back to work so they could legally "lay me off". But I was a babbling idiot just reciting mantras in my head and being pissed at everything and everyone...but still panic stricken, humiliated, guilty, depressed, etc. Meds helped but only so I was functional. They didn't take away any of the core issues. I started to put on weight and over the years went up to 410 Lbs.
Now that will show them!! Yea, just try to get a job. The embarrassment on the faces of the interviewers told me I had no chance as soon as I walked in. I was right. Great Resume, Security Clearance, Fantastic Credit score....Fat...Super Fat....No Job.
Well who the hell is going to be the adult now? you may ask.
We are I was told. You and your little kid inside. We are already adults and intelligent we can do it.
Impossible, Bull Shit and Fuck you were my initial thoughts. I resisted. Oh you would not believe how much I resisted. Every time I thought of it and How I acted and what I had done to myself I thought I would pass out.
Finally someone threw it in my face and came right out and said it to the adult me. That is the Sting.
Impossible, Bull Shit and Fuck you were my next thoughts..But go ahead and prove it to me.....if you can.......
And that was the start of my real new life a little over a year ago.
Yes I got the Surgery, but now I see I could have done it either way if I would have just known. I sought out a Psychologist for emotional eating because he specialized in it and I was already set for surgery but the truth is eating is just the result of the uncared for child. The Emotional Sickness or lack of emotional well being.
I still wanted to eat originally after surgery even though I was stuffed. I still had panic attacks. I still had depression even though I was losing weight and was far More active and was temporarily happy.
Gradually over time the Adult me talked to the little me and cared for the little me. after scrubbing all the issues I could think of...My Doc led me on to the next phase and that was doing some action. The action was feeling emotions as they come up ... thinking about it a little and letting them go.
It turn out that emotions are brain Stem Level human reactions that we can not change. We are human therefore we will all have the same emotions. Feelings are a little different. They depend on how we perceive the emotions, as the little kid...or the adult.
So now more and more I can look back on my life and tell anybody anything about it and I am OK with it. The fear has gone.
Panic attacks and anxiety are rare now.
Depression is gone unless there is a valid reason like a death in the family and then I just deal with it as part of life. No mantras or positive thinking because this is all taking place in my sub conscious or in the new cared for "inner child" if you will.
Anger ...mostly gone unless there is a reason and I let it go quickly.
The best parts are that Humiliation, Self Disgust, Guilt etc. are mostly gone and if it happens I know that they are basic emotions that everyone goes through and understand so if I trip during a speech or whatever, No big deal. Before, every humiliation from my entire past life would flash in my head.
OK..Just a word about the positive emotions. Turns out that there are only two of them. Pros follow different theories of which are the primary emotions and which are secondary but they are all close and it doesn't matter anyway.
The two positive emotions are Happiness/ excitement and Joy /contentment.
Excitement is great but can be dangerous. We can get excited when we shop for instance but it will be short lived and is always followed by a crash back to reality and perhaps guilt if we really couldn't afford what we bought. Same for drinking, gambling, eating, on and on. we have to be careful about excitement.because we can manufacture it and use it to not feel the other emotions.
There is good happiness also. Don't get me wrong.
The target is Joy and contentment. This is the overriding emotion as long as when the other ones come up...we "feel" them and experience them and don't try to hide from them, then they are short lived. They will not go away until we do experience them.
It sounds weird but this happens automatically over time as long as I just keep asking myself what emotion am I experiencing now and then experience it.
It is a feeling of maturity. A feeling that I can handle anything as it comes up now....or as least will be able to in a short while. A feeling that I am "big enough" [emotionally] to handle it. That's the best I can do to describe it. It is something that must be experienced for yourself. I never ever thought I would have that feeling before....no matter how much weight I lost or what I did.
Why do I have an "in your face" approach? Because we are all babying our inner kids so much and BEGGING others to do the same that it is just plain nasty and detrimental to not provide the sting to others that have been where I was.
Notice how support is largely superficial on this board? And more babying than mature caring and guidance? That is doing no one any good. In fact it is just keeping people from finding contentment and now that I know it works and is not just psycho babble, I can't just sit by though I will admit I can be very harsh at times. So, I'm not a Profesional.
I will agree...there are multiple approaches , soft long drawn out approaches, rapid "slap in the face" approaches, all kinds but most will just dwell there if they don't feel the sting and lash out and ask what the fuck are you talking about! Especially women because they naturally provide nurturing [nurturing...not spoiling] although men are just as emotionally hungry in this case as the women if not more so since they have to keep it inside or risk ridicule.
They key is a nurturing caring and not to continue to spoil the bratty temper tantrum inside all off us. But for me, that took a slap in the face to get started.
Does that answer your question?
gnat
PS. My avatar should make more sense now also since when I respond to someone that posts a whiny question like: "when can I eat Cake again or does anyone eat Ice cream? It rapidly makes the point between us spoiled kids and real hunger without me saying a word.
8 comments
"you've missed about a dozen of them... all personal ones as to WHY you feel the need to be the one to "give the sting", questions about your history, starting weight, current weight, all kinds of stuff. It's really hard to take you seriously at all without any proof that you even have an issue, resolved the issue, or are just a troll. (My vote is for the latter. I think you've transferred your food addiction from food to being a jackass.)"
Oh? Those Questions!
That's easy. Because I was right there were you are a year ago. And I was so much into myself and my own pity and self lying, etc. that I could not think straight. The fact is that all people have emotional issues. How they come out varies though. Drinking, Shopping, Plastic Surgery, gambling, Eating ...whatever it takes to try to be happy. But it never works.
I wished someone had the Cojonas to knock me across the head and make me see myself way before hand on this board. I lost a lot of years.
The fact is though that most people don't seek the emotional wellness route because we [What psychologist call "our inner child"] will do anything to avoid being hurt or experiencing emotional pain.
The problem is that there are two parts of each of us. The little kid [from about 4yo or younger even and into our teens and twenties] that was sexually abused, made fun of, had major or minor emotional trauma with no one there to properly care for them. {Which is most of the population but to varying extents) and the Adult we grew up to be despite ourselves.
Now hear this loud and clear! This applies to Doctors, Lawyers, Presidents, Scientists, etc. It has nothing to do with how we think cognitively or at least consciously or our intelligence. In fact, Fat people are usually remarkably intelligent just like Alcoholics and other addicts We just can't stand ourselves. I myself have two degrees and received all kinds of awards, etc. but that didn't stop me from thinking "they made a mistake" That I fooled them...If they only knew the real me...they would take them back. I KNEW I was unworthy and "less Than" My whole life and no one could talk me out of it. But it was the adult that got the degrees, awards etc....Not the Little Kid.
The little kid Was still 4yo. And just like any 4 yo kid, he didn't want to feel Sadness, Fear or Anger. They hurt and like all kids, we will do anything to avoid feeling those emotions. Try as we might by ourselves, we will not go there and feel that stuff.
Now the adult gets a little older and has some success in life but failures too. Here comes the Humiliation, Disgust, Embarrassment, Guilt, etc. and that leads the adult into low self esteem. We avoid it and try to hide it from ourselves and others but we know...and others know..but if we admit it, it feels like we will die or pass out. The self deception is all we have. It is how we define ourselves...so we just go along with it...and the Anxiety (Fear) Anger and Sadness (Depression) comes along for the ride.
What is happening is that the little kid is still in control. No one was there to provide the correct emotional Guidance such that that part of us grew up with the rest of us.
Think about a child that gets hurt or embarrassed in a game and goes home to mommy. No mommy Home or unavailable emotionally because of her own problems...Unresolved trauma for the Kid. Or Sexual Abuse of the Child ( Which I found out is WAY more common than I ever could have imagined including for little boys) and daddy ignores it because Gram-pa would never do that or That would cause a huge issue to deal with in the family...so the little kid is left alone to fend for him/herself. And like all little kids They will go the the candy store or start drinking when they can or whatever to dull the injustice of not being supported or cared for.
We get a Littlee older and we buckle down and work like hell or study like hell but we can never stop to feel the full extent of the injustice done to the little kid and he/she over rides the adult. Always has and always will until the trauma is dealt with and care is given as it should have been in the first place.
So what do I mean by the proper support. It is not babying the little kid. That just produces a spoiled brat and that's how the kid cared for him/herself all along. By spoiling themselves. The Little kid will think: I deserve it! No one was there! so fuck them! I'm gonna get myself an ice cream cone or two or three. That with enough pizza and fat burgers, etc. will numb the pain....Problem is is that it works! At least for the little kid...but not the adult.
The proper care would be more like an adult taking sexual abuse seriously and talking with us in a calm and loving fashion but never promising anything but love and encouragement. They can't take the abuse back but they can care. Or The kid that was made fun of..The adult would again be there for support and love and encouragement but would not baby us. Would not promise us that it would never happen again. They would just guide us how to respond the next time until we felt the self confidence to do so ourselves.
The proper care is best left to be defined by the professional for any given situation. I'm not a pro. Just a former Fat person That did this "Emotional Work" as they call it.
You see I had already burnt out for a few months years ago and ended up doing drugs heavy duty and couldn't stop. I was a professional and very embarrassed especially when I went back to work. I had panic attacks since I was in High School and I was always depressed. After I burnt out I had lots of "Cognitive Counseling. Just think positive. put one foot in front of the other. Blah, Blah Blah. Then there was AA. Let Go and Let God, One Day at a time, Meditation, Serenity prayer...I became a babbling idiot. It got me back to work so they could legally "lay me off". But I was a babbling idiot just reciting mantras in my head and being pissed at everything and everyone...but still panic stricken, humiliated, guilty, depressed, etc. Meds helped but only so I was functional. They didn't take away any of the core issues. I started to put on weight and over the years went up to 410 Lbs.
Now that will show them!! Yea, just try to get a job. The embarrassment on the faces of the interviewers told me I had no chance as soon as I walked in. I was right. Great Resume, Security Clearance, Fantastic Credit score....Fat...Super Fat....No Job.
Well who the hell is going to be the adult now? you may ask.
We are I was told. You and your little kid inside. We are already adults and intelligent we can do it.
Impossible, Bull Shit and Fuck you were my initial thoughts. I resisted. Oh you would not believe how much I resisted. Every time I thought of it and How I acted and what I had done to myself I thought I would pass out.
Finally someone threw it in my face and came right out and said it to the adult me. That is the Sting.
Impossible, Bull Shit and Fuck you were my next thoughts..But go ahead and prove it to me.....if you can.......
And that was the start of my real new life a little over a year ago.
Yes I got the Surgery, but now I see I could have done it either way if I would have just known. I sought out a Psychologist for emotional eating because he specialized in it and I was already set for surgery but the truth is eating is just the result of the uncared for child. The Emotional Sickness or lack of emotional well being.
I still wanted to eat originally after surgery even though I was stuffed. I still had panic attacks. I still had depression even though I was losing weight and was far More active and was temporarily happy.
Gradually over time the Adult me talked to the little me and cared for the little me. after scrubbing all the issues I could think of...My Doc led me on to the next phase and that was doing some action. The action was feeling emotions as they come up ... thinking about it a little and letting them go.
It turn out that emotions are brain Stem Level human reactions that we can not change. We are human therefore we will all have the same emotions. Feelings are a little different. They depend on how we perceive the emotions, as the little kid...or the adult.
So now more and more I can look back on my life and tell anybody anything about it and I am OK with it. The fear has gone.
Panic attacks and anxiety are rare now.
Depression is gone unless there is a valid reason like a death in the family and then I just deal with it as part of life. No mantras or positive thinking because this is all taking place in my sub conscious or in the new cared for "inner child" if you will.
Anger ...mostly gone unless there is a reason and I let it go quickly.
The best parts are that Humiliation, Self Disgust, Guilt etc. are mostly gone and if it happens I know that they are basic emotions that everyone goes through and understand so if I trip during a speech or whatever, No big deal. Before, every humiliation from my entire past life would flash in my head.
OK..Just a word about the positive emotions. Turns out that there are only two of them. Pros follow different theories of which are the primary emotions and which are secondary but they are all close and it doesn't matter anyway.
The two positive emotions are Happiness/ excitement and Joy /contentment.
Excitement is great but can be dangerous. We can get excited when we shop for instance but it will be short lived and is always followed by a crash back to reality and perhaps guilt if we really couldn't afford what we bought. Same for drinking, gambling, eating, on and on. we have to be careful about excitement.because we can manufacture it and use it to not feel the other emotions.
There is good happiness also. Don't get me wrong.
The target is Joy and contentment. This is the overriding emotion as long as when the other ones come up...we "feel" them and experience them and don't try to hide from them, then they are short lived. They will not go away until we do experience them.
It sounds weird but this happens automatically over time as long as I just keep asking myself what emotion am I experiencing now and then experience it.
It is a feeling of maturity. A feeling that I can handle anything as it comes up now....or as least will be able to in a short while. A feeling that I am "big enough" [emotionally] to handle it. That's the best I can do to describe it. It is something that must be experienced for yourself. I never ever thought I would have that feeling before....no matter how much weight I lost or what I did.
Why do I have an "in your face" approach? Because we are all babying our inner kids so much and BEGGING others to do the same that it is just plain nasty and detrimental to not provide the sting to others that have been where I was.
Notice how support is largely superficial on this board? And more babying than mature caring and guidance? That is doing no one any good. In fact it is just keeping people from finding contentment and now that I know it works and is not just psycho babble, I can't just sit by though I will admit I can be very harsh at times. So, I'm not a Profesional.
I will agree...there are multiple approaches , soft long drawn out approaches, rapid "slap in the face" approaches, all kinds but most will just dwell there if they don't feel the sting and lash out and ask what the fuck are you talking about! Especially women because they naturally provide nurturing [nurturing...not spoiling] although men are just as emotionally hungry in this case as the women if not more so since they have to keep it inside or risk ridicule.
They key is a nurturing caring and not to continue to spoil the bratty temper tantrum inside all off us. But for me, that took a slap in the face to get started.
Does that answer your question?
gnat
PS. My avatar should make more sense now also since when I respond to someone that posts a whiny question like: "when can I eat Cake again or does anyone eat Ice cream? It rapidly makes the point between us spoiled kids and real hunger without me saying a word.
