Linda B.
Measurement Update - 1 year out
Apr 26, 2007
I had my one year follow-up meeting with the nutritionist, the psychiatrist and the exercise physiologist today. The exercise specialist took my measurements and sent me the following update. It's kind of shocking when you look at it this way!!
Hi Linda here are your pre-operation measurements compared to your post-operation measurements. They are amazing! Congrats!
Pre-Op (all in inches)
Left Thigh: 28.4
Right Thigh: 28.5
Left Arm: 16.7
Right Arm: 16.7
Neck:---
Chest: 64.6
Waist: 50
Hip: 51.2
Post-Op
Left Thigh: 21.75
Right Thigh: 22.25
Left Arm: 12.25
Right Arm: 11.75
Neck: 14
Chest: 44
Waist: 39
Hip: 44
Hi Linda here are your pre-operation measurements compared to your post-operation measurements. They are amazing! Congrats!
Pre-Op (all in inches)
Left Thigh: 28.4
Right Thigh: 28.5
Left Arm: 16.7
Right Arm: 16.7
Neck:---
Chest: 64.6
Waist: 50
Hip: 51.2
Post-Op
Left Thigh: 21.75
Right Thigh: 22.25
Left Arm: 12.25
Right Arm: 11.75
Neck: 14
Chest: 44
Waist: 39
Hip: 44
My Surgiversary - Year One
Apr 18, 2007
Today is the one year anniversary of my weight loss surgery.
As a ritual to remember this event, I am wearing clothes from last year that I had put aside to remind myself of how big I actually was. So I have on size 26W jeans, a 3X long-sleeved sweater, and my old belt (which is wrapped around to my back). Pictures will come sometime later this week. : )
It was amazing to put on those pants this morning. I can look in the mirror and think, “Yes – I have lost 104 pounds.” I can do the calculation of the amount of pounds lost, inches gone, sizes down. I can see pictures of before and after. But NOTHING blew my mind like seeing those pants this morning. It is truly incredible that there is so much of me just gone. (Gone where? I don’t know!!)
Dr. Dallal asked me at my appointment last week what I can do now that I could not do a year ago, and I didn’t have a planned out answer for him. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot since then.
I can walk. Lots. All over the place. Without losing my breath, and without having to find a place to sit.
I can use a bathroom in an airplane. This was actually a big one for me! Also, I can use any port-a-john without fear of being uncomfortable.
I could take a trip to
I can shop in any store I want to, including thrift stores. I can buy clothes at Target, or at Coldwater Creek, or at
I can make any knitting pattern I find in a book without having to get help adjusting the pattern upwards.
I use less fabric, and less yarn, for projects.
I sleep better. I breathe better. I move better.
I look people in the eye when I am walking down the street. And I smile at them. And I demand a response, with all the force of my personality. I do not hide my head, duck down, slump my shoulders.
I am no longer the largest person in the room. Nor do I have to worry about which chair in the room will comfortably and safely hold me (that’s one that was pointed out to me by MacNare).
My blood levels are all “perfect”. I no longer worry about heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and other family diseases that were definitely part of my future before – they are less and less a part of my future world. Steve does not have to worry about me dropping dead from a stroke, or from liver disease due to my high triglyceride levels. I could still be hit by a bus, but I have a much better chance of being able to out-run it than a year ago.
I can be myself, not just "Fat Linda" with that being all anyone registered about me, but ME. Now people get my personality first, not a registered thought of BIG. That is something really amazing that I didn't realize would happen, or maybe I just didn't realize what a difference it would make.
When I first saw Dr. Dallal, I explained to him about my lemonade theory – that the weight was like sugar, water and ice covering up the taste of the lemon. And I wanted to be that lemon, without the sugar/water/ice.
Now my challenge is to live with that every day – to BE the lemon. Hiding behind the weight was so easy, for so long. Not having to confront my problems, issues, my life really.
I look in the mirror now and see myself as I looked when I was 12 – when my mom had her bad car accident. That was an extremely difficult time for me, when I developed the coping mechanisms that now haunt me. I can’t hide from those traumatic events any more – they face me every morning. That Linda is back, with a vengeance. So now the most difficult part of my journey really begins.
The weight-loss surgery has given, and is giving me (since I’m not done losing yet!!) what I wanted from it – that overwhelming amount of excess weight is (mostly) gone. I can’t hide behind overeating – I can’t use food to medicate my hurts anymore (as was so strongly brought home to me over the last month, when we lost Maim and Pillage, and I SO VERY MUCH wanted to just put myself into a sugar coma and lose myself there – not happening!).
The challenge for the coming year is to make the most of the gift Dr. Dallal and his amazing team gave to me last year on April 18th. I owe it to myself to make the most of it, and of all I have accomplished over this past year. I have faced my demons head on, and survived the experience. I have learned to like myself for who and what I am, and to forgive myself and even celebrate my foibles and failings. I don’t depend on others for their approval of what I am doing or who I am or how I am living, even though it’s hard to really embrace that philosophy in the face of mom-attacks. But even those have been survived and worked through.
Through all of this, I have had before me a Mary Englebreit card (it was by my bed in the hospital, so that it was the first thing I saw when I woke up, and it is in front of me at both jobs and at home). It shows someone with a suitcase and a hobo pack, walking away down one road at a crossroads. The top banner on the card reads “DON’T LOOK BACK”, and the directional signs at the crossroads read “YOUR LIFE”, and “NO LONGER AN OPTION”. The other thing I carry with me is a plastic lemon (and I even now have lemon earrings and a lemon necklace), to remind me of who I am.
This weekend, I will buy my full-length mirror and put it somewhere in the house where I can REALLY SEE myself every day. I will honor myself by being truly that person in the mirror – it is the best way to celebrate who you are. And I will unleash myself upon the world, since that is why I am here at all.
You may not like who I really am, especially since I have hidden myself from even my closest friends for so long. You may be stung by the tartness of the lemon. But know that whatever you find in me now is really, honestly me, to the best of my ability, every day. I honor you, all of my friends, by sharing that truth with you. I honor you by assuming that you will be able to handle it and embrace it and return it with the truth about YOU.
Welcome to my Wild Life.
- Mood:
accomplished
My First Six Months
Dec 14, 2006
Just copying over the first 6 months of posting from my old profile...
June 26, 2006 continued (3:30 PM)
After some discussion on the topic from this morning on the main messageboard of OH, I came up with this post:
"The first time I could really 'see' myself as skinny was the day I made the decision to have the surgery. It was that sudden, and that clear. My old body-image is not letting go without a fight, however. Good thing I'm in better shape than she is!
In the meantime, here is what my horoscope said today, which in light of this discussion seems pretty apropo to me!
"You reach a turning point, and an old fear suddenly loses its grip on you. All that work you've been doing has paid off, and your insecurities suddenly seem less all-encompassing than they once did. "
Thanks to everyone for helping me let go of those old fears!"
And talking about it did help to let some of that old fear go.
June 26, 2006 (11:45 AM)
Two big WOW moments over the weekend. First, I realized that my BMI is now under 40 - I am (a) not morbidly obese but just plain old obese, and (2) officially not eligible for weight-loss surgery! : )
Second, Steve and I went out to Kohl's on Saturday night so that I could get a pair of khaki pants for work (I only have two pair of work pants that fit right now, and the size 20 jeans are starting to be loose). So first of all, I decided that I needed to TRY ON the pants. Actually try them on, IN THE STORE. That is a big thing for me - if you don't try them on in the store, you don't have to really look at yourself in the mirror, after all...
Then, I decided that I had better try a size 20 and a size 18. Good thing - the size 18 fit!!!!
THEN I found a light-turquoise colored linen pant suit (Liz Claiborne, short fitted jacket) on the 50%-off-lowest-marked-price, BUT in a size 18. Sigh. I figured that if I bought it for giving my paper at Leeds in mid-July, it might fit by then.
IT FITS NOW. Ooh, boy. Not only that, but it was a $200 pant suit that I got for $35.
The weirdest thing is that I felt really strange about the fact that a size 18 fit me. I wasn't really happy - I was more dismayed! That old demon of what happens if I really lose all this weight reared its ugly head - no panic attack, I just didn't know how to process it. And I guess I still really don't. I actually told my husband that 'maybe this [has] something to do with that surgery I had back in April...' !!!!!!!! Duh.
I think that I never really believed that it would work. I'm seriously going to have to think about this, a lot. I'm afraid that part of it is the 'I don't deserve to lose the weight, I don't deserve to look pretty, I don't deserve to be happy' thing, which I thought I had worked through. Some things have to be experienced rather than just intellectualized, I suppose.
Maybe it's because even though I'm dropping dress sizes like flies (down from a 24 to an 18), I've stalled on losing actual pounds (48 1/2, since 4/18/06 surgery, but only a pound or two in the past 3 weeks).
This is just really, really weird!
June 20, 2006 (5:07 PM)
The size 20's are loose. Sigh.
And FINALLY!!! The plateau is definitely over - another 3 pounds down since Friday (we were away all weekend). So now 'officially' according to my home scale, down a total of 48 pounds (surgery was April 18).
The other big news today is that I (a) got my paper in for the conference in July on time, and (b) was asked by the organizer of my session to write a book review to be published. The book I'm reviewing was written by one of my textile archaeology hero's, so it's a big deal for me!
I still am amazed at how much outrageous goodness comes into my life every time I take a risk and put myself out there. Having the surgery (even more than losing the actual weight - the decision to do this for myself, I mean) gave me the confidence to go after other things I want in my life. So now that I have helped the publishers of this book with the review they needed, I can ask them to write ME a recommendation for graduate school.
Now I need to go out and buy a suit to wear for the conference. AND get all of the mortgage refi papers in (by tomorrow - shouldn't be a big problem).
All good, all good, all good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 16, 2006 (2:25 PM)
Just bought SIZE 20 clothes!! Not only that, but SIZE 18-20 clothes!!! Yikes! Jeans, one pair of work pants, 1 shirt, 1 t-shirt, a bathing suit, some underwear, and a slinky sleeping thang with lace and stuff. : )
Last night, I had a very long phone call with a co-worker of my husband's, who is having WLS with Dr. Dallal in 3 weeks. I really, really love being able to talk about my experience so far and have it inspire someone else, and calm their fears. I have given her my email address, and she has our phone number. I hope that she will go ahead and call, as I told her to, if she needs some encouragement before the surgery (or if she needs some after the surgery!). What a great gift - not just the surgery itself, but the ability to share it with someone else who is on the road. And a gift back, in the cosmic sense, to those who helped me. I just tried to remember what Christopher Lubrecht, my Angel, told me. Hey! I just remembered a lot of stuff I need to tell her about the actual surgery day! Maybe it's too soon for that - I'll save it for a little pep talk later on.
She also told me that another co-worker of my husband had told her that I looked great and 'just really happy'. And that is the comment I hear the most - I look happy.
This weekend, we'll test it out on the Caer (SCA/medieval family) and on Steve's mom, sister, brother-in-law and niece. We'll see what they have to say...
And btw, Steve does NOT have to have surgery - they put his foot in a special ankle brace. The ligament tore off the bone and took a chip of bone with it. Ouch. He has to wear the brace for 6 weeks minimum, which basically cuts out his summer fighting. He is NOT HAPPY. He's cute when he pouts.
In other bad news, our old friend, Luccia has to have an emergency liver transplant. I think she is in surgery right now. We all just wait for the email updates. That's TWO friends of mine who have had to have liver transplants in the past year. Thanks to the goddess for the WLS and the healthy years it is bringing me!!!!!!!!!!
June 14, 2006 (11:25 AM)
My husband, Steve, has done some serious damage to his right ankle - he twisted it while weeding in the front yard on Monday. They think he has torn the tendon right off of his shin bone. Yikes! Today we go to the orthopedic surgeon - this might be pay-back for his worrying about me and my WLS. LOL!
It also looks like I am FINALLY off of this killer plateau I've been on. Another pound down from yesterday - hopefully this means we're back on track. I've been pretty careful about my liquid intake, although I need to up the protein shake intake. Being so discombobulated (is that a word??) about Steve's ankle, the mortgage refi, my two jobs, my paper and trip to England - I'm spread pretty thin right now (get it? thin?).
In any case, I had to do a Values List exercise for my Weight-Loss From The Inside Out group. We get a list of two pages of words and have to check off any that 'resonate' with us. Then narrow it down to 20 words, then a final 10. Here are mine:
Awareness
Collaboration
Creativity
Hope
Inspiring
Life-long Learning
Passion
Persistence
Taking Risks
Transformation
The surprises were the Hope, Taking Risks, and Transformation - those are directly related to the WLS, I think. I did the VL two years ago (I have to go look up what my response was then!), and back in January sometime. The only ones on the Jan. list and this list were: Collaboration, Life-long Learning, Passion and Persistence. It's great to see how things change as you go along - the great strides, not only in weight-loss but in personality shifts.
Steve told his mom last night that I was really doing well, emotionally. He had some concerns about how I was going to handle everything, which he had shared with her previously. It's a great affirmation to hear from him that he can see such a difference in my overall mood. Also that he seems to appreciate it, not find it intimidating in any way.
I'll have to find ways to help HIS mood over the next weeks, especially if he needs surgery on his ankle! I wonder if there is an ankle-surgery-help website out there somewhere...! : )
June 6, 2006
(Haven't been updating, obviously!)
I had another great WOW moment two weeks ago. I went to Dr. Dallal's for my one-month surgery update (actually 5 weeks). Linda Bailey, the PA, was weighing me in, and said to me, "Girlfriend, those pants do NOT fit you!" These were a size 24 Petite jeans. So the next day, I went out to buy a pair of jeans at Kohl's (cheap!). I got a pair of 22 Petites, figuring that they would fit in another week or so. I also got 2 size 22 shirts, also figuring to wear in another week. When I got back to my office after the lunch shopping extravaganza, I decided to try the jeans on to see just how bad they were.
THEY FIT!!! THEY WERE EVEN LOOSE!!! Now, two weeks later, they are loose-loose (need to go get some size 20's!).
We spent that weekend (Memorial Day) at my mom's out in Long Island, doing a lot of yard sale hopping and thrift store shopping. I got two really nice suits, in an 18 and a 16 (only a few bucks each). Usually my mom (don't get me wrong - I love her to bits!) says something about my weight and I get freaked out about it. This time, it all seemed to just wash over me - didn't get me freaked out at all. That is a big step for me.
Then, let's see - last Friday, I got to see the Coptic textiles in the Drexel Collection in Philly (3 great pieces, which really help me with the paper I am presenting at the International Medieval Congress at Leeds in July). Then I walked over to the Univ. of PA Museum to look at the Roman stuff. Bought myself two little silver rings - one is the Eros riding a dolphin (last year I bought the necklace, because the ring wouldn't fit!!!) and a "Carpe Diem" ring. I also contacted one of the Egyptian collection curators about coming in sometime in late June to see their textile collection - YEA!!!! The confidence boost is definitely working. : )
On the other hand, Saturday through today (Tuesday) have not been great.
WARNING - WHEN THE DOCTOR SAYS TO DRINK 64 OUNCES OF LIQUID A DAY, HE MEANS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We had a kidney stone scare. I developed a serious pain in my right hip region. At first I thought it might be just a muscle strain because I did so much walking on Friday. But the other thing I did on Friday was spend the day in museums, both of which did not have any A.C. and it was 90 degrees and UNGODLY humid in Philly (more August weather than June), without any water/liquid. Then I was driving around, again - no liquid. Then I spent Sat/Sun doing needlework in front of the boob tube - NOT ENOUGH LIQUID.
Did I mention not enough liquids???
So the pain got worse, I started to panic, called Dr. Dallal's office on Monday about mid-day, and was told to come right in. Fast forward to urineanalysis at my PCP office, stopping at the local regular hospital to see if they could do the CAT test (NOT), back to the hospital this morning for the CAT test. TUrns out not to be kidney stones, but maybe muscle strain. I think it was that my bowels were backed up since Friday. ULTRA water pounding today, cleared out the system, and hopefully I'm back on track.
Chalk it up to ANOTHER lesson learned.
HYDRATION. HYRDATION. HYRDATION.
And went out and bought some cheapo straw hats at Walmart (under $3 each!). I hate hats, but I think I'm going to have to add that to new behaviors learned.
Some days it is really hard to keep this all up. Sigh. And I'm in the 5-6 week plateau, so not only have I not been losing weight, I've actually gained back 2 pounds or so. I think that might have been the bowel back-up - I am down another dress size, so that must be worth something.
I can't keep up with my body's changes! I'm not used to having to pay so much attention to my body! But doing all of this, on faith, is - once again - having HUGE benefits to my life. Every day, another opportunity comes forward. Now if we could just get the house straightened out, bills paid, travel paid for Leeds, and my paper written, things would be just about nearly ok-still-some-work-to-do! dare I way it, perfect.
May 19, 2006 (3:30 PM)
Must. Update. More. Often!!!!
I had a weird experience this past weekend, say Friday through Monday. I was so down in the dumps! For no real reason, feeling very very depressed. Finally I figured out that I had not been keeping a careful eye on how much protein I was taking in. I was having some trouble with pain in my chest while eating - eating too fast!!!, so I got into a bad habit of just eating things like SF tapioca pudding or applesauce, which went down easier.
So I made a point of having a protein shake for breakfast, and tried tuna fish again (went down fine! Yay!) so I could eat that for lunch, and even gave scrambled eggs another try. They had been very difficult to eat before, but again - I can now get down about 2/3 of an egg with cheese in it! My mood is much, much better.
Put that down in the "Another Lesson Learned" column.
Last night, I had a WOW moment. I was getting ready to go to an SCA (medieval recreation group) event out in Pittsburgh. I thought I knew which costume I would wear...until it fell off of me! Now, most of my things are Early Byzantine, translation: big old sack-like tunics, belted under the breast. So I began to try on costumes. And try on costumes. And try on...argh!!!!! A HUGE costume wardrobe, and (a) nothing fits and (b) everything makes me look like I haven't lost 36 1/2 pounds!!!
Finally I settled on a dress which is fitted in the bust and has a full skirt (cotehardie, for those who 'read' medieval costume terminology), one I have not worn in almost NINE YEARS. AND I also fit (it was even loose!) in a 15th century Spanish dress (very fitted through the bust) which I have not worn in at least 6-7 years.
Time to start sewing!
May 12, 2006 (4:47 PM)
I just wanted to make a note about something special I did this past Wednesday night. Dr. Dallal and Linda Bailey, from Einstein Bariatrics, were giving a presentation to potential patients at a nearby church. I went over to give the patient's perspective. I really, really enjoyed doing it! It's one thing to hear the doctor say that you won't be hungry after surgery, and another to hear it from another patient. It seemed to help - they had a lot of questions, and Dr. Dallal helped me out and affirmed a number of points I made. I can't make it to the next one, but I will definitely do it again!
May 12, 2006 (3:30 PM)
3 weeks out! 31 pounds and 1 clothing size down! I haven't posted since the surgery - I have been trying to write down everything and get caught up. I finally decided to post what I have so far here, and then keep adding to it as I can.
So, here goes!
Let’s see…The night before the surgery, I had a great phone call with my Angel, Christopher Lubrecht. We laughed a lot, and he gave me the best advice – TAKE THE MEDS!! The next day, when I would start to think, “I can wait another half hour before hitting the morphine button”, I would hear his voice in my head and hit away.
We got up at 4:30 AM to get to the hospital in time (after showering and dealing with cats and all). Poor Steve had to listen to me babble at him all the way to the hospital (well, ok – he didn’t listen at all really! He was actually driving in his sleep). We were the first people at the hospital. No, really, the FIRST people at the hospital lobby – there was nobody else there! Finally somebody came and told us that we were in the wrong place. After finding the right entrance, we were still the first ones there, which meant also the first ones through admitting. Phew. First hurdle passed.
Then we were taken to an area where I had to change my clothes and put on the dreaded hospital gown. Now, pay attention – they put my clothes (which I planned to wear home the next day) and my sneakers into a big plastic bag, which my husband got to carry around. This will come up again later…
Then they sent my honey-bunny away (waah!) and started to wheel me out into the hallway. I asked the man pushing me to go faster, like in ER, but no go. I was perfectly fine until he pulled up in front of the Big Doors that had a Big Sign saying “SURGERY SUITE”. And I panicked – what the heck was I doing here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But there was no running away now – I had that stupid backless hospital gown on!!
So they pulled me in, and Dr. Ghe (the anesthesiologist) put the IV line into my arm (and took some blood). He also gave me the good news that I would NOT have to be awake for the insertion of the tube down my throat. Phew again. Second hurdle passed!
Then Dr. Dallal and Linda Bailey (the Physician Assistant) came in to speak with me. I gave Dr. Dallal a card and a gift. The card read, “Now, remember – just:
1) Relax!
2) Take a deep breath.
3) Think happy thoughts.
4) Keep your eyes open (yes, I know you can do it with your eyes closed…just indulge me).
5) Take your time!
6) If all else fails, use the attached.
And attached was a Staples “Easy” button (when you push the button, it says, “THAT was easy!”). Linda Bailey (the PA) told me that she had it in her hop pocket throughout the operation, so she could bang against people and make it go off!
And after that, I don’t remember much until I woke up in my room. I apparently had a temperature spike when I first got into the OR, which went down right away (probably my body’s last ditch attempt to get out of the surgery!), as well as a low pulse rate – low but steady, which came back to haunt me later…
The next thing I remember, Steve was in the room with me, nurses were setting up my morphine drip, etc. Steve told me that he was going to take home my sneakers (I had hard-soled slippers in my suitcase, so I wasn’t worried about it).
We didn’t remember until after he had left for the evening that (a) my clothes for going home were in that same bag, and (b) Steve would not be the one picking me up from the hospital! Doh! So I went home in my nightgown, robe and slippers.
About 2 hours after they put me back in my room, I was knitting on my lemon-yellow cotton sweater. : ) I had the RN’s take some pictures so that it could be proven later. I felt pretty good – I kept remembering Christopher’s advice about taking the meds and didn’t hold back too much on the morphine. The most pain I had was from gas, and since the RN’s told me that walking would help it, I was up and walking as soon as they would let me. No pain in the incision, and the muscle pain didn’t hit until the day after I went home (Thursday or so).
The biggest problem I had in the hospital was overnight. I was attached to this machine that reads your oxygenation rate and your pulse rate. After a few alarm bells had gone off, I did OK with the oxygen and breathing thing. But every time I tried to doze off, the )(#&%)(&^)@& pulse meter would go off! My pulse kept on dropping below 50, and the alarms rang not only in my room but at the nurses’ station. One of the nurses finally figured out that if I ate ice chips/drank ice water, my pulse would go up. It became a kind of Chinese water torture – 54, 53, 52, OH NO! Where’s the ice??? RN’s running in – “Where’s the ice???” ALL NIGHT LONG. I finally had them turn on the light so I could read my trashy romance novel. Finally at 4:30 AM, they called Dr. Dallal. His response? “Turn off the machine!” Argh.
Here’s a picture of me, Dr. Dallal (on the left) and the Physician Assistant, Linda Bailey (on the right). This was taken the day after my surgery, right before I went home. My friend Christine drove me home in her brand-new Toyota and hung out with me until I was settled in.
The next morning, I took a walk around the block, water-bottle in hand. I did that every day while I was home from work (only one week), but I really think it helped to make my recovery better. I had very little trouble. The second day I was home I had some serious muscle pain in my abdomen (well, they had swelled it up like a balloon!). I had stopped taking the Tylenol with Codeine (made me feel woozy and slightly naseous). My friend Martine had given me a Husband (one of those pillows that’s like the back of a chair, with arm-rests) that has heat and massage – that was a life-saver. I also had a Boppy pillow, the kind they make for nursing mothers. That helped to keep the cats off of my belly. My five cats are all monsters and like to pounce on your stomach when you are in bed. I also used it in the chair in front of the TV, to keep them off of my lap. It worked out great.
The only other pain I had was the day of my first b/m. Not happy, but after that, everything worked fine.
I didn’t any of the things I had planned for my recovery period/time off from work. Barely could concentrate to read, did minimal knitting, didn’t even watch many of the videos I had gotten in (did watch some stupid scary movies – that was about as much attention as I could muster). I kept saying I had about a 15-minute shelf-life before my brain would shut off, which was difficult for all of my loving friends who like to stay on the phone for hours! : )
So a week after surgery (Wednesday, a week later), I went into my second part-time job to work a half day…which turned into 8 ½ hours! The next day I had my one-week follow-up visit with Dr. Dallal. Incisions looked great, everything going great, no problems, no worries. Slept the entire rest of that day.
Since then, 3 weeks out now, I have not had a day off from work! AND the weekends have been 9-12 hour days (video shoots both weekends). I keep hearing about this exhaustion thing, but so far??? Maybe it's just my compulsive personality again, but really! I need a day off! And nobody is buying the, "I just had major surgery!" excuse anymore...
More to follow, as I try to catch up here.
April 17, 2006 (3:50 PM)
Tomorrow is The Big Day, and I had wanted to make some profound remarks here about it. Instead, I am so tired I don't think I can make any barely coherent remarks!
Yesterday was Easter Sunday. I worked from 9 AM to 2 PM, then went to my friend Jan's house for dinner with my husband at 3 PM. We stayed there until about 5, I went back down to work - 6 PM until 2 AM!!! I finished to set-up of my project but my boss, Ken, is on his own with copying the DVD we're producing.
I did pretty well at Easter dinner, I think. I ate salad, vegetables, and a small piece of turkey. OK, I had a teaspoon full of my favorite thing Jan always serves (made by our friend, Natalie, this time) - sweet potatoes covered with brown sugar and pecans. Of course, I had to sit DIRECTLY in front of that dish!! We left before desert, so I was spared that.
Today I am working 9 hours at my other job before going home to pack for the hospital. Chris, my angel, has already sent an Encouraging Message, as has Mary, my life-coach, and innumberable other friends. Poor Steve was on the phone all night, fielding calls! I am grateful that there will be so many people thinking about me, including everyone here at OH.
I've been thinking about my first 'assignment' when I first joined the Weight Loss From the Inside Out group, 2 years ago. I went home after my first meeting and had Steve help me take naked pictures of myself. I needed to get a better image in my head of what I really look like, not the remembered image of 16-year old Linda. Those pictures shook my universe to pieces, let me tell you!! If you need a bit of incentive to take the next step to WLS, then try that. Phew.
Luckily, I had erased the pictures from the digital camera before it was stolen a few months later! THAT would have been something for whoever ended up with it!
Even now, I am surprised by how many of my friends are surprised, well, ok shocked to hear that my goal is to lose 150 pounds. I must hide it well, as well as I hid my own unhappiness and fear over the years.
All I can think as I move into tomorrow's surgery is that the Goddess brought me here, she'd certainly better keep me safe! I know this is where I am supposed to be right now. Whatever happens, I trust Her to lead me along the right path for me, with my full consent and joyful anticipation.
Blessed Be,
Linda
April 13, 2006 (3:50 PM)
Yesterday was my pre-op meeting with Dr. Dallal and his RN Practitioner, Linda. My husband, Steve, went with me so he could ask some questions himself (which was great!). Steve asked about whether I would be in pain, what about gas pains, being tired, will I be depressed or cranky (hey, a little self-preservation on his part!). And the big question - will I lose my "Generous Endowment" after the surgery! Dr. Dallal says I might lose some, but probably won't lose all. Good news for the Honey-Bunny! : )
The BIG or little news (depending on how you look at it) is that I have already lost 12 pounds on the pre-op liquid protein diet! That might have something to do with some confusion about how many calories per day I'm supposed to have - I thought it was 800 or less, and it was actually 800 TO 1200. Oh, well, it really has not been that onerous. I have SERIOUS salt cravings in the late afternoon, so I've been 'sneaking' in tuna fish wrapped in lettuce leaves for dinner each night. Nurse Linda says that is ok!
So I started at my first appointment at 284 pounds and am now at 272.
We also met with the anasthegiologist (sp?), Dr. G. He looked at my throat and gave me the Bad News of the day - my throat opening is small and my neck is small, so I will have to be AWAKE when they put the tube into my throat before the surgery. AAAACCKKK!!!! He promises me a sedative, but yuck - I am NOT looking forward that this!
Other than that, I am scheduled for 7:30 AM on Tuesday, have to be at the hospital at 6:00 AM. So my husband was complaining (joking around) with Carmen, the receptionist, and she told him, "Don't worry - there's a Dunkin' Donuts right down the street - just stop there before you come."
HEY! HEYHEYHEY!!!
Her response? "Oops!" : )
April 11, 2006 (4:30 PM)
My life-coach, Mary, sent out this quote today, which really speaks to me, so I thought I'd share it.
“Our Deepest Fear” by Marianne Williamson
From "A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles"
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear if that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'
April 10, 2006 (1:45 PM)
I had a great weekend. I taught a tapestry-weaving class on Saturday at the yarn shop (2 great students), bought some yarn and some trashy romance novels for the at-home recovery period (I have a VERY optimistic attitude about how much I can accomplish during that time!), and got some really good feedback from special friends.
One in particular sent me an extand Byzantine-period ring (i.e., a ring that was actually on the finger of someone in the Byzantine period of history). She wrote me a wonderful note saying that she and her husband were thinking about me and wishing me well for my surgery. That makes for the good kind of tears! I am only sorry that I won't be able to wear the ring for good luck during the surgery.
I got to spend all day Sunday with my god(dess)-son, Jerry, even though it was the last day for awhile I will see him. He and his mom & dad are moving to upstate NY today. His mom, Martine, and I got to have some good talking time together, which was also very helpful and encouraging.
I'm doing OK on the liquid diet, although Those Rat Bastards at Trader Joe's have discontinued their Whey Protein Powder in the chocolate flavor and will shortly discontinue their vanilla flavor. Waaah! I've been doing so well on them! Down 7 1/2 pounds since I started last Tuesday. I find myself cutting down on the illegal tuna consumption each evening - I'm really just not very hungry. And I don't know if it's excitement about the surgery or the high protein in my system, but my mood is great!
Working like mad to get as many hours in as possible before the big day is tiring me out, but the folks I work with have been very supportive.
9 days to go and counting!
April 6, 2006 (1:30 PM)
The approval came in today!! I have my pre-op visit with Dr. Dallal on Wednesday, April 12th at 10 AM. I've survived the first 2 1/2 days of the liquid diet, which I must admit has not been -too- bad. Last night I had wicked cravings for salt (menstrual thing - thank goodness I don't ever crave chocolate!). As long as I keep going for the protein shakes and carrots, I seem to be hanging in there.
My bosses (2 part-time jobs) are being really great about scheduling, etc. - only minimal panic that I'll be out for my recovery.
April 5, 2006 (12:30 PM)
Well, I started the 2-week liquid diet yesterday. So far, so good! It does not seem to be making me ravenously hungry - the Trader Joe's Whey Protein Powder is keeping me feeling full. As long as I don't get bored at work, I might just make it through this part...
Yesterday I tried a pre-packaged protein drink (in a can). Within 5 minutes, my face had broken out in hives, I was itching all over, my joints hurt! I hope they will let me take them back - I had really stocked up!
In the meantime, I've gotten some incredibly supportive emails from friends, family and co-workers, especially from my sister, Pat and my new boss at KCG. It really helps to know that people can read what I'm writing here and understand where I am coming from and where I am going. I've printed them all out and put them into my WLS binder, to take with me to the hospital.
Back to the sugar-free jello...
April 2, 2006 (3:00PM-ish)
Yesterday I packed up 4 huge bags of my size 26 winter clothes to go to the local thrift store. So next winter, I'll either be thinner...or nekkid! I thought I might have trouble saying good-bye to the old standards, but in the end I also got rid of clothes I could wear over the next few months. I realized that I just didn't really like them. I really didn't like most of what was there! It wasn't as hard to let it go as I thought it might be.
Today my husband Steve and I went for my "Last Supper" (since the liquid pre-op diet starts on Tuesday). We went down the the historic district here in Philadelphia and walked around for about an hour or so and then had lunch at The City Tavern. They serve food based on 18th century recipes - it was a great treat. We had time to just talk about the surgery and what it means and how it will affect us both. Steve told me that he worries about me 'all the time', wanting me to be happy. That was the greatest gift going into the surgery I could ever have.
I feel great, the sun is shining - again! - and I'm ready to go make a vat of sugar-free jello!
March 31, 2006 (2:50 PM-at work)
My friend Martine points out that April 18th is my god(dess)-son's birthday. : )
Since the weather is finally breaking, I was planning on putting away my winter clothes this weekend. Since my surgery is scheduled, I am now planning on packing up my winter size 26 clothes and getting rid of them.
I keep wondering about clothes. When you are heavy, you wear whatever you can find to fit, not what you WANT to wear. What style will I choose when I finally have that option? What clothes will look best on the unknown small body shape awaiting me? I can now have a Wardrobe, not just a pile of stuff that may or may not fit on any given day. I suppose I'll have to wait and see how I develop as we go along.
I have also been thinking about this thing I went through every year about this time when I was little. It's going to be summer break (from school), and maybe this year will be the year that I will come back to school in the fall and be The Girl Who Lost All That Weight Over Summer Break and be popular and have lots of dates and a boyfriend and everything that goes along with that (when you are in Junior High).
But this year, I WILL be The-Girl-Who-Lost-All-That-Weight-Over-The-Summer!!!!!!!
March 30, 2006 (11:00 PM or so)
PICTURES! You can find some 'before' pictures of me and special friends at:
http://www.barhus.org/Linda'sPictures.html
Stay tuned for those after shots...
March 30, 2006 (3:00 PM or so)
YIKERS!!! Surgery date is set for April 18th. Linda in Dr. Dallal's office got my sleep study results (FINALLY) today, is sending in the insurance letter tomorrow and says she has never had a problem with my insurance company (and does not foresee any problems for me). She's putting the date of April 18th in the letter.
I was kind of hoping for April 30th (our wedding anniversary) or better yet, May 1st (Beltaine - a great day for new beginnings!), but I'm not waiting an extra two weeks for anybody or anything!
This means Sunday lunch at the City Tavern in Philadelphia, for the Last Supper. And my pre-op surgeon's appointment next Wednesday.
Phew.
March 30, 2006
Waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting...argh! And this Last Supper Syndrome thing has GOT to stop. You'd think I was never ever going to eat anything ever again in my life. Argh again. But the sun is out, and work is good, and I have a free weekend ahead of me. If I have to wait a few days or weeks, it will all come right in the end.
Argh.
March 24, 2006
Yesterday, I went out and bought a few pairs of work-place suitable pants, for my new job - size 26 Petite (I've gotten really used to wearing jeans at my other part-time job).
When I got home, there was a message from Linda at Dr. Dallal's office. She is going to call the sleep study place and harass them for my test results, the only thing she needs to get the final approval from the insurance company.
I asked her how long the insurance approval would take, thinking a month, two months maybe. She told me it would take A WEEK!! ONE WEEK!! Yikes! That means surgery in mid-April.
Oh, well - the pants were on sale, and somebody will end up using them...
I did feel a momentary panic about how quickly this all seems to be coming together. My meeting with Dr. Good (my PCP) to get the referral was on January10th, my first introduction to the Einstein Bariatric Program was February 4th, my first appointment with Dr. Dallal was February 17. But now that the door is open and I've had a glimpse of imagining what it will be like after the surgery, I don't think I could live with the failure of not moving forward. So, mid-April - here we come!!
March 20, 2006
Well, here I am, in a place I never imagined I would be. Two years ago, I began a journey which has changed my life completely and continues to challenge me and everyone I know. I hope that I can write some thoughts here so that (a) I don’t have to repeat myself a hundred times! And (b) explain to those of you who do not know me or who know me but haven’t been in on this process as intimately as others.
It all started with a movie, an independent Irish film called “About Adam”. The movie is divided into four parts, all of which revise the same scenes but from the different perspective of four siblings. Three of those siblings are sleeping with the main male character, Adam. The character of Adam, as played by Stuart Townsend, reminded me very viscerally of someone I knew many years ago. This person had made a large impact on my life, but in the way of things, I had forgotten the important life-lessons I had learned from him in the daily day-to-day living we all go through. The movie made me feel as if I was experiencing my encounter what that person all over again, especially with the portrayal of the character by Stuart Townsend.
So a little voice in my head told me to contact him. Well, I don’t do ‘fan letters’ – I’m a grown woman, for goodness sake, with a job and a husband and responsibilities and all that! But the voice would not let me go. If you can’t write a fan letter, then do what you do best – make him a fan sweater. In the end, I capitulated to that voice, took a leap of faith, and made the sweater. I went to a yarn store in another town (an hour away!) so nobody would know what project I was planning. I made the sweater in a single weekend, wrote a letter explaining what the movie had done for me, found his management’s address (online), boxed it up and mailed it out. It was done completely on faith, with no anticipation that he would even ever see the sweater. But I listened to the voice and did as I was told (with a request to someday meet him in person, but not counting on it).
And that was that – sweater done, life goes on. Six months later or so, a letter arrived at my office, addressed by hand, postmarked Hollywood, California. I opened it up and there was a full-page hand-written letter from Stuart Townsend! Not only had he seen the sweater, he loved it (and it even fit). It was such a treat to receive such a gracious thank-you, completely unexpected and a fantastic birthday present (it arrived the week of my birthday, when I was in a bit of a funk). I figured a letter was as close to meeting him in person as I could hope to get and that was that.
Until a few months later when I learned that Stuart Townsend was coming to Philadelphia for the opening of his new movie at the Philadelphia Film Festival. So I got tickets for me and my husband to attend the opening and showed up, camera in hand, to see the show. He was there, right in front of me, and I thought, no way can I do this. I’m a grown woman, for goodness sake! I have a job, and a husband, and well, you know the drill. Up popped the little voice in my head, saying, “Hey! I brought him all the way to Philadelphia for you because you wanted to meet him – get over there!” So I did – just walked right up and said hello. I handed my camera to someone in the crowd to take pictures, and then said, “My name is Linda Blowney. I made you a sweater.” Well. It was as if he was more excited to meet me than I was to meet him. A magical moment for me, caught on film by the mysterious person in the crowd with my camera. Everything was great, I was excited and pleased, all was happy.
Then I got home and saw the pictures.
I felt so awful about how I looked. This was a really important moment for me, and I looked so awful. When did I get that fat, anyway?? I was devastated.
The next morning, my husband had a doctors appointment, and I went with him. Sitting in the waiting room at Mount Airy Family Practice, I saw a paper on the wall advertising a group called “Weight Loss From The Inside Out”, being run by one of the docs in the practice and a woman with Gestalt Therapy training (who was also something called a ‘life-coach’, whatever that was!). I had seen that flyer many times before but never responded. I signed up that very day.
The doctor running the group was Dr. Linda Good, and the life-coach/facilitator was Mary Loiselle. I took the initial 6-week course and then have continued in a follow-up version since then (almost two years). I also did some one-on-one work with Mary, in her role as a life-coach.
In those two years, I have confronted just about every dark and scary place in my life. From my job to out-of-control spending, to relationships and being more true to myself, to writing a personal mission statement and starting to take classes in archaeology. I now work 2 part-time jobs, one of which is doing video editing (?? – where on earth did that come from) and have even won 7 awards for pieces I have edited over the past year. My other (new) part-time job is with a consulting firm that follows one of my most important discovered passions – working together as an organic team to find creative solutions to problems (they do strategic planning for health care systems).
Throughout the past two years, whenever I got 'stuck' or was in a place of decision or was afraid, I remembered the sweater. That leap of faith changed my life. What if I used that same leap of faith in other areas of my life? Imagine just how un-imaginably amazing my life would become! And it has. Every time I make that leap, it gets easier to do it the next time. I make the miracle come true every day. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but I believe that the simple act of believing changes the world, even if it isn't obvious to me on that day and in that hour. Someday, somewhere, it will come back to me. At least, that is the promise the goddess has made to me. And I am now a believer.
Of course, it helps to have a husband/friend/partner who is unbelievably supportive of all the changes I have been going through, including the surgery process. My husband Steve is simply amazing. I like to think that seeing the changes I have been able to make is inspiring him to move forward, as well. He is just a wonderful person to know.
So now, after two years of work, I am at the point where I do not want to hide from the world behind my weight any more. I am not afraid to be myself anymore. As a survivor of childhood incest, and of a few abusive adult relationships, I have hid behind this weight for all of my life. It also seems to make it easier for others to deal with my forceful personality. The weight dilutes the real me. I have been describing it as being lemonade - lemonade is all water and sugar and ice, with only the smallest hint of lemon. I am ready to be the full force of the plain lemon! Intense, tart, cleansing, fresh, bright, and with the full flavor of Linda – nothing hidden. It might not be easy for those who have been comfortable with the diluted version of Linda, at least in the beginning. But you must have seen the hints of what I was capable of, even if I never could.
I hope that my friends and family, as well as all of the new friends to be found out there, will find something in my story to inspire them and will join me as I continue on the journey to finding just what kind of impact the Real Deal Linda will have on her world.
-----------------
Right now, I have finished all of my pre-op testing and am waiting for the final insurance approval and my surgery date, which is projected for sometime in April (!!!). Dr. Dallal and his crew at Einstein have all been really supportive and helpful. I can't believe how fast it is all coming together! Since I haven't had the surgery yet, I can't tell you from experience what kind of surgeon he is, but I can tell you what kind of doctor he is - the kind who looks you right in the eye when you are talking with him. I am confident in him, in his team, in Einstein, and in my own ability to succeed. Wish me luck!
June 26, 2006 continued (3:30 PM)
After some discussion on the topic from this morning on the main messageboard of OH, I came up with this post:
"The first time I could really 'see' myself as skinny was the day I made the decision to have the surgery. It was that sudden, and that clear. My old body-image is not letting go without a fight, however. Good thing I'm in better shape than she is!
In the meantime, here is what my horoscope said today, which in light of this discussion seems pretty apropo to me!
"You reach a turning point, and an old fear suddenly loses its grip on you. All that work you've been doing has paid off, and your insecurities suddenly seem less all-encompassing than they once did. "
Thanks to everyone for helping me let go of those old fears!"
And talking about it did help to let some of that old fear go.
June 26, 2006 (11:45 AM)
Two big WOW moments over the weekend. First, I realized that my BMI is now under 40 - I am (a) not morbidly obese but just plain old obese, and (2) officially not eligible for weight-loss surgery! : )
Second, Steve and I went out to Kohl's on Saturday night so that I could get a pair of khaki pants for work (I only have two pair of work pants that fit right now, and the size 20 jeans are starting to be loose). So first of all, I decided that I needed to TRY ON the pants. Actually try them on, IN THE STORE. That is a big thing for me - if you don't try them on in the store, you don't have to really look at yourself in the mirror, after all...
Then, I decided that I had better try a size 20 and a size 18. Good thing - the size 18 fit!!!!
THEN I found a light-turquoise colored linen pant suit (Liz Claiborne, short fitted jacket) on the 50%-off-lowest-marked-price, BUT in a size 18. Sigh. I figured that if I bought it for giving my paper at Leeds in mid-July, it might fit by then.
IT FITS NOW. Ooh, boy. Not only that, but it was a $200 pant suit that I got for $35.
The weirdest thing is that I felt really strange about the fact that a size 18 fit me. I wasn't really happy - I was more dismayed! That old demon of what happens if I really lose all this weight reared its ugly head - no panic attack, I just didn't know how to process it. And I guess I still really don't. I actually told my husband that 'maybe this [has] something to do with that surgery I had back in April...' !!!!!!!! Duh.
I think that I never really believed that it would work. I'm seriously going to have to think about this, a lot. I'm afraid that part of it is the 'I don't deserve to lose the weight, I don't deserve to look pretty, I don't deserve to be happy' thing, which I thought I had worked through. Some things have to be experienced rather than just intellectualized, I suppose.
Maybe it's because even though I'm dropping dress sizes like flies (down from a 24 to an 18), I've stalled on losing actual pounds (48 1/2, since 4/18/06 surgery, but only a pound or two in the past 3 weeks).
This is just really, really weird!
June 20, 2006 (5:07 PM)
The size 20's are loose. Sigh.
And FINALLY!!! The plateau is definitely over - another 3 pounds down since Friday (we were away all weekend). So now 'officially' according to my home scale, down a total of 48 pounds (surgery was April 18).
The other big news today is that I (a) got my paper in for the conference in July on time, and (b) was asked by the organizer of my session to write a book review to be published. The book I'm reviewing was written by one of my textile archaeology hero's, so it's a big deal for me!
I still am amazed at how much outrageous goodness comes into my life every time I take a risk and put myself out there. Having the surgery (even more than losing the actual weight - the decision to do this for myself, I mean) gave me the confidence to go after other things I want in my life. So now that I have helped the publishers of this book with the review they needed, I can ask them to write ME a recommendation for graduate school.
Now I need to go out and buy a suit to wear for the conference. AND get all of the mortgage refi papers in (by tomorrow - shouldn't be a big problem).
All good, all good, all good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 16, 2006 (2:25 PM)
Just bought SIZE 20 clothes!! Not only that, but SIZE 18-20 clothes!!! Yikes! Jeans, one pair of work pants, 1 shirt, 1 t-shirt, a bathing suit, some underwear, and a slinky sleeping thang with lace and stuff. : )
Last night, I had a very long phone call with a co-worker of my husband's, who is having WLS with Dr. Dallal in 3 weeks. I really, really love being able to talk about my experience so far and have it inspire someone else, and calm their fears. I have given her my email address, and she has our phone number. I hope that she will go ahead and call, as I told her to, if she needs some encouragement before the surgery (or if she needs some after the surgery!). What a great gift - not just the surgery itself, but the ability to share it with someone else who is on the road. And a gift back, in the cosmic sense, to those who helped me. I just tried to remember what Christopher Lubrecht, my Angel, told me. Hey! I just remembered a lot of stuff I need to tell her about the actual surgery day! Maybe it's too soon for that - I'll save it for a little pep talk later on.
She also told me that another co-worker of my husband had told her that I looked great and 'just really happy'. And that is the comment I hear the most - I look happy.
This weekend, we'll test it out on the Caer (SCA/medieval family) and on Steve's mom, sister, brother-in-law and niece. We'll see what they have to say...
And btw, Steve does NOT have to have surgery - they put his foot in a special ankle brace. The ligament tore off the bone and took a chip of bone with it. Ouch. He has to wear the brace for 6 weeks minimum, which basically cuts out his summer fighting. He is NOT HAPPY. He's cute when he pouts.
In other bad news, our old friend, Luccia has to have an emergency liver transplant. I think she is in surgery right now. We all just wait for the email updates. That's TWO friends of mine who have had to have liver transplants in the past year. Thanks to the goddess for the WLS and the healthy years it is bringing me!!!!!!!!!!
June 14, 2006 (11:25 AM)
My husband, Steve, has done some serious damage to his right ankle - he twisted it while weeding in the front yard on Monday. They think he has torn the tendon right off of his shin bone. Yikes! Today we go to the orthopedic surgeon - this might be pay-back for his worrying about me and my WLS. LOL!
It also looks like I am FINALLY off of this killer plateau I've been on. Another pound down from yesterday - hopefully this means we're back on track. I've been pretty careful about my liquid intake, although I need to up the protein shake intake. Being so discombobulated (is that a word??) about Steve's ankle, the mortgage refi, my two jobs, my paper and trip to England - I'm spread pretty thin right now (get it? thin?).
In any case, I had to do a Values List exercise for my Weight-Loss From The Inside Out group. We get a list of two pages of words and have to check off any that 'resonate' with us. Then narrow it down to 20 words, then a final 10. Here are mine:
Awareness
Collaboration
Creativity
Hope
Inspiring
Life-long Learning
Passion
Persistence
Taking Risks
Transformation
The surprises were the Hope, Taking Risks, and Transformation - those are directly related to the WLS, I think. I did the VL two years ago (I have to go look up what my response was then!), and back in January sometime. The only ones on the Jan. list and this list were: Collaboration, Life-long Learning, Passion and Persistence. It's great to see how things change as you go along - the great strides, not only in weight-loss but in personality shifts.
Steve told his mom last night that I was really doing well, emotionally. He had some concerns about how I was going to handle everything, which he had shared with her previously. It's a great affirmation to hear from him that he can see such a difference in my overall mood. Also that he seems to appreciate it, not find it intimidating in any way.
I'll have to find ways to help HIS mood over the next weeks, especially if he needs surgery on his ankle! I wonder if there is an ankle-surgery-help website out there somewhere...! : )
June 6, 2006
(Haven't been updating, obviously!)
I had another great WOW moment two weeks ago. I went to Dr. Dallal's for my one-month surgery update (actually 5 weeks). Linda Bailey, the PA, was weighing me in, and said to me, "Girlfriend, those pants do NOT fit you!" These were a size 24 Petite jeans. So the next day, I went out to buy a pair of jeans at Kohl's (cheap!). I got a pair of 22 Petites, figuring that they would fit in another week or so. I also got 2 size 22 shirts, also figuring to wear in another week. When I got back to my office after the lunch shopping extravaganza, I decided to try the jeans on to see just how bad they were.
THEY FIT!!! THEY WERE EVEN LOOSE!!! Now, two weeks later, they are loose-loose (need to go get some size 20's!).
We spent that weekend (Memorial Day) at my mom's out in Long Island, doing a lot of yard sale hopping and thrift store shopping. I got two really nice suits, in an 18 and a 16 (only a few bucks each). Usually my mom (don't get me wrong - I love her to bits!) says something about my weight and I get freaked out about it. This time, it all seemed to just wash over me - didn't get me freaked out at all. That is a big step for me.
Then, let's see - last Friday, I got to see the Coptic textiles in the Drexel Collection in Philly (3 great pieces, which really help me with the paper I am presenting at the International Medieval Congress at Leeds in July). Then I walked over to the Univ. of PA Museum to look at the Roman stuff. Bought myself two little silver rings - one is the Eros riding a dolphin (last year I bought the necklace, because the ring wouldn't fit!!!) and a "Carpe Diem" ring. I also contacted one of the Egyptian collection curators about coming in sometime in late June to see their textile collection - YEA!!!! The confidence boost is definitely working. : )
On the other hand, Saturday through today (Tuesday) have not been great.
WARNING - WHEN THE DOCTOR SAYS TO DRINK 64 OUNCES OF LIQUID A DAY, HE MEANS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We had a kidney stone scare. I developed a serious pain in my right hip region. At first I thought it might be just a muscle strain because I did so much walking on Friday. But the other thing I did on Friday was spend the day in museums, both of which did not have any A.C. and it was 90 degrees and UNGODLY humid in Philly (more August weather than June), without any water/liquid. Then I was driving around, again - no liquid. Then I spent Sat/Sun doing needlework in front of the boob tube - NOT ENOUGH LIQUID.
Did I mention not enough liquids???
So the pain got worse, I started to panic, called Dr. Dallal's office on Monday about mid-day, and was told to come right in. Fast forward to urineanalysis at my PCP office, stopping at the local regular hospital to see if they could do the CAT test (NOT), back to the hospital this morning for the CAT test. TUrns out not to be kidney stones, but maybe muscle strain. I think it was that my bowels were backed up since Friday. ULTRA water pounding today, cleared out the system, and hopefully I'm back on track.
Chalk it up to ANOTHER lesson learned.
HYDRATION. HYRDATION. HYRDATION.
And went out and bought some cheapo straw hats at Walmart (under $3 each!). I hate hats, but I think I'm going to have to add that to new behaviors learned.
Some days it is really hard to keep this all up. Sigh. And I'm in the 5-6 week plateau, so not only have I not been losing weight, I've actually gained back 2 pounds or so. I think that might have been the bowel back-up - I am down another dress size, so that must be worth something.
I can't keep up with my body's changes! I'm not used to having to pay so much attention to my body! But doing all of this, on faith, is - once again - having HUGE benefits to my life. Every day, another opportunity comes forward. Now if we could just get the house straightened out, bills paid, travel paid for Leeds, and my paper written, things would be just about nearly ok-still-some-work-to-do! dare I way it, perfect.
May 19, 2006 (3:30 PM)
Must. Update. More. Often!!!!
I had a weird experience this past weekend, say Friday through Monday. I was so down in the dumps! For no real reason, feeling very very depressed. Finally I figured out that I had not been keeping a careful eye on how much protein I was taking in. I was having some trouble with pain in my chest while eating - eating too fast!!!, so I got into a bad habit of just eating things like SF tapioca pudding or applesauce, which went down easier.
So I made a point of having a protein shake for breakfast, and tried tuna fish again (went down fine! Yay!) so I could eat that for lunch, and even gave scrambled eggs another try. They had been very difficult to eat before, but again - I can now get down about 2/3 of an egg with cheese in it! My mood is much, much better.
Put that down in the "Another Lesson Learned" column.
Last night, I had a WOW moment. I was getting ready to go to an SCA (medieval recreation group) event out in Pittsburgh. I thought I knew which costume I would wear...until it fell off of me! Now, most of my things are Early Byzantine, translation: big old sack-like tunics, belted under the breast. So I began to try on costumes. And try on costumes. And try on...argh!!!!! A HUGE costume wardrobe, and (a) nothing fits and (b) everything makes me look like I haven't lost 36 1/2 pounds!!!
Finally I settled on a dress which is fitted in the bust and has a full skirt (cotehardie, for those who 'read' medieval costume terminology), one I have not worn in almost NINE YEARS. AND I also fit (it was even loose!) in a 15th century Spanish dress (very fitted through the bust) which I have not worn in at least 6-7 years.
Time to start sewing!
May 12, 2006 (4:47 PM)
I just wanted to make a note about something special I did this past Wednesday night. Dr. Dallal and Linda Bailey, from Einstein Bariatrics, were giving a presentation to potential patients at a nearby church. I went over to give the patient's perspective. I really, really enjoyed doing it! It's one thing to hear the doctor say that you won't be hungry after surgery, and another to hear it from another patient. It seemed to help - they had a lot of questions, and Dr. Dallal helped me out and affirmed a number of points I made. I can't make it to the next one, but I will definitely do it again!
May 12, 2006 (3:30 PM)
3 weeks out! 31 pounds and 1 clothing size down! I haven't posted since the surgery - I have been trying to write down everything and get caught up. I finally decided to post what I have so far here, and then keep adding to it as I can.
So, here goes!
Let’s see…The night before the surgery, I had a great phone call with my Angel, Christopher Lubrecht. We laughed a lot, and he gave me the best advice – TAKE THE MEDS!! The next day, when I would start to think, “I can wait another half hour before hitting the morphine button”, I would hear his voice in my head and hit away.
We got up at 4:30 AM to get to the hospital in time (after showering and dealing with cats and all). Poor Steve had to listen to me babble at him all the way to the hospital (well, ok – he didn’t listen at all really! He was actually driving in his sleep). We were the first people at the hospital. No, really, the FIRST people at the hospital lobby – there was nobody else there! Finally somebody came and told us that we were in the wrong place. After finding the right entrance, we were still the first ones there, which meant also the first ones through admitting. Phew. First hurdle passed.
Then we were taken to an area where I had to change my clothes and put on the dreaded hospital gown. Now, pay attention – they put my clothes (which I planned to wear home the next day) and my sneakers into a big plastic bag, which my husband got to carry around. This will come up again later…
Then they sent my honey-bunny away (waah!) and started to wheel me out into the hallway. I asked the man pushing me to go faster, like in ER, but no go. I was perfectly fine until he pulled up in front of the Big Doors that had a Big Sign saying “SURGERY SUITE”. And I panicked – what the heck was I doing here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But there was no running away now – I had that stupid backless hospital gown on!!
So they pulled me in, and Dr. Ghe (the anesthesiologist) put the IV line into my arm (and took some blood). He also gave me the good news that I would NOT have to be awake for the insertion of the tube down my throat. Phew again. Second hurdle passed!
Then Dr. Dallal and Linda Bailey (the Physician Assistant) came in to speak with me. I gave Dr. Dallal a card and a gift. The card read, “Now, remember – just:
1) Relax!
2) Take a deep breath.
3) Think happy thoughts.
4) Keep your eyes open (yes, I know you can do it with your eyes closed…just indulge me).
5) Take your time!
6) If all else fails, use the attached.
And attached was a Staples “Easy” button (when you push the button, it says, “THAT was easy!”). Linda Bailey (the PA) told me that she had it in her hop pocket throughout the operation, so she could bang against people and make it go off!
And after that, I don’t remember much until I woke up in my room. I apparently had a temperature spike when I first got into the OR, which went down right away (probably my body’s last ditch attempt to get out of the surgery!), as well as a low pulse rate – low but steady, which came back to haunt me later…
The next thing I remember, Steve was in the room with me, nurses were setting up my morphine drip, etc. Steve told me that he was going to take home my sneakers (I had hard-soled slippers in my suitcase, so I wasn’t worried about it).
We didn’t remember until after he had left for the evening that (a) my clothes for going home were in that same bag, and (b) Steve would not be the one picking me up from the hospital! Doh! So I went home in my nightgown, robe and slippers.
About 2 hours after they put me back in my room, I was knitting on my lemon-yellow cotton sweater. : ) I had the RN’s take some pictures so that it could be proven later. I felt pretty good – I kept remembering Christopher’s advice about taking the meds and didn’t hold back too much on the morphine. The most pain I had was from gas, and since the RN’s told me that walking would help it, I was up and walking as soon as they would let me. No pain in the incision, and the muscle pain didn’t hit until the day after I went home (Thursday or so).
The biggest problem I had in the hospital was overnight. I was attached to this machine that reads your oxygenation rate and your pulse rate. After a few alarm bells had gone off, I did OK with the oxygen and breathing thing. But every time I tried to doze off, the )(#&%)(&^)@& pulse meter would go off! My pulse kept on dropping below 50, and the alarms rang not only in my room but at the nurses’ station. One of the nurses finally figured out that if I ate ice chips/drank ice water, my pulse would go up. It became a kind of Chinese water torture – 54, 53, 52, OH NO! Where’s the ice??? RN’s running in – “Where’s the ice???” ALL NIGHT LONG. I finally had them turn on the light so I could read my trashy romance novel. Finally at 4:30 AM, they called Dr. Dallal. His response? “Turn off the machine!” Argh.
Here’s a picture of me, Dr. Dallal (on the left) and the Physician Assistant, Linda Bailey (on the right). This was taken the day after my surgery, right before I went home. My friend Christine drove me home in her brand-new Toyota and hung out with me until I was settled in.
The next morning, I took a walk around the block, water-bottle in hand. I did that every day while I was home from work (only one week), but I really think it helped to make my recovery better. I had very little trouble. The second day I was home I had some serious muscle pain in my abdomen (well, they had swelled it up like a balloon!). I had stopped taking the Tylenol with Codeine (made me feel woozy and slightly naseous). My friend Martine had given me a Husband (one of those pillows that’s like the back of a chair, with arm-rests) that has heat and massage – that was a life-saver. I also had a Boppy pillow, the kind they make for nursing mothers. That helped to keep the cats off of my belly. My five cats are all monsters and like to pounce on your stomach when you are in bed. I also used it in the chair in front of the TV, to keep them off of my lap. It worked out great.
The only other pain I had was the day of my first b/m. Not happy, but after that, everything worked fine.
I didn’t any of the things I had planned for my recovery period/time off from work. Barely could concentrate to read, did minimal knitting, didn’t even watch many of the videos I had gotten in (did watch some stupid scary movies – that was about as much attention as I could muster). I kept saying I had about a 15-minute shelf-life before my brain would shut off, which was difficult for all of my loving friends who like to stay on the phone for hours! : )
So a week after surgery (Wednesday, a week later), I went into my second part-time job to work a half day…which turned into 8 ½ hours! The next day I had my one-week follow-up visit with Dr. Dallal. Incisions looked great, everything going great, no problems, no worries. Slept the entire rest of that day.
Since then, 3 weeks out now, I have not had a day off from work! AND the weekends have been 9-12 hour days (video shoots both weekends). I keep hearing about this exhaustion thing, but so far??? Maybe it's just my compulsive personality again, but really! I need a day off! And nobody is buying the, "I just had major surgery!" excuse anymore...
More to follow, as I try to catch up here.
April 17, 2006 (3:50 PM)
Tomorrow is The Big Day, and I had wanted to make some profound remarks here about it. Instead, I am so tired I don't think I can make any barely coherent remarks!
Yesterday was Easter Sunday. I worked from 9 AM to 2 PM, then went to my friend Jan's house for dinner with my husband at 3 PM. We stayed there until about 5, I went back down to work - 6 PM until 2 AM!!! I finished to set-up of my project but my boss, Ken, is on his own with copying the DVD we're producing.
I did pretty well at Easter dinner, I think. I ate salad, vegetables, and a small piece of turkey. OK, I had a teaspoon full of my favorite thing Jan always serves (made by our friend, Natalie, this time) - sweet potatoes covered with brown sugar and pecans. Of course, I had to sit DIRECTLY in front of that dish!! We left before desert, so I was spared that.
Today I am working 9 hours at my other job before going home to pack for the hospital. Chris, my angel, has already sent an Encouraging Message, as has Mary, my life-coach, and innumberable other friends. Poor Steve was on the phone all night, fielding calls! I am grateful that there will be so many people thinking about me, including everyone here at OH.
I've been thinking about my first 'assignment' when I first joined the Weight Loss From the Inside Out group, 2 years ago. I went home after my first meeting and had Steve help me take naked pictures of myself. I needed to get a better image in my head of what I really look like, not the remembered image of 16-year old Linda. Those pictures shook my universe to pieces, let me tell you!! If you need a bit of incentive to take the next step to WLS, then try that. Phew.
Luckily, I had erased the pictures from the digital camera before it was stolen a few months later! THAT would have been something for whoever ended up with it!
Even now, I am surprised by how many of my friends are surprised, well, ok shocked to hear that my goal is to lose 150 pounds. I must hide it well, as well as I hid my own unhappiness and fear over the years.
All I can think as I move into tomorrow's surgery is that the Goddess brought me here, she'd certainly better keep me safe! I know this is where I am supposed to be right now. Whatever happens, I trust Her to lead me along the right path for me, with my full consent and joyful anticipation.
Blessed Be,
Linda
April 13, 2006 (3:50 PM)
Yesterday was my pre-op meeting with Dr. Dallal and his RN Practitioner, Linda. My husband, Steve, went with me so he could ask some questions himself (which was great!). Steve asked about whether I would be in pain, what about gas pains, being tired, will I be depressed or cranky (hey, a little self-preservation on his part!). And the big question - will I lose my "Generous Endowment" after the surgery! Dr. Dallal says I might lose some, but probably won't lose all. Good news for the Honey-Bunny! : )
The BIG or little news (depending on how you look at it) is that I have already lost 12 pounds on the pre-op liquid protein diet! That might have something to do with some confusion about how many calories per day I'm supposed to have - I thought it was 800 or less, and it was actually 800 TO 1200. Oh, well, it really has not been that onerous. I have SERIOUS salt cravings in the late afternoon, so I've been 'sneaking' in tuna fish wrapped in lettuce leaves for dinner each night. Nurse Linda says that is ok!
So I started at my first appointment at 284 pounds and am now at 272.
We also met with the anasthegiologist (sp?), Dr. G. He looked at my throat and gave me the Bad News of the day - my throat opening is small and my neck is small, so I will have to be AWAKE when they put the tube into my throat before the surgery. AAAACCKKK!!!! He promises me a sedative, but yuck - I am NOT looking forward that this!
Other than that, I am scheduled for 7:30 AM on Tuesday, have to be at the hospital at 6:00 AM. So my husband was complaining (joking around) with Carmen, the receptionist, and she told him, "Don't worry - there's a Dunkin' Donuts right down the street - just stop there before you come."
HEY! HEYHEYHEY!!!
Her response? "Oops!" : )
April 11, 2006 (4:30 PM)
My life-coach, Mary, sent out this quote today, which really speaks to me, so I thought I'd share it.
“Our Deepest Fear” by Marianne Williamson
From "A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles"
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear if that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'
April 10, 2006 (1:45 PM)
I had a great weekend. I taught a tapestry-weaving class on Saturday at the yarn shop (2 great students), bought some yarn and some trashy romance novels for the at-home recovery period (I have a VERY optimistic attitude about how much I can accomplish during that time!), and got some really good feedback from special friends.
One in particular sent me an extand Byzantine-period ring (i.e., a ring that was actually on the finger of someone in the Byzantine period of history). She wrote me a wonderful note saying that she and her husband were thinking about me and wishing me well for my surgery. That makes for the good kind of tears! I am only sorry that I won't be able to wear the ring for good luck during the surgery.
I got to spend all day Sunday with my god(dess)-son, Jerry, even though it was the last day for awhile I will see him. He and his mom & dad are moving to upstate NY today. His mom, Martine, and I got to have some good talking time together, which was also very helpful and encouraging.
I'm doing OK on the liquid diet, although Those Rat Bastards at Trader Joe's have discontinued their Whey Protein Powder in the chocolate flavor and will shortly discontinue their vanilla flavor. Waaah! I've been doing so well on them! Down 7 1/2 pounds since I started last Tuesday. I find myself cutting down on the illegal tuna consumption each evening - I'm really just not very hungry. And I don't know if it's excitement about the surgery or the high protein in my system, but my mood is great!
Working like mad to get as many hours in as possible before the big day is tiring me out, but the folks I work with have been very supportive.
9 days to go and counting!
April 6, 2006 (1:30 PM)
The approval came in today!! I have my pre-op visit with Dr. Dallal on Wednesday, April 12th at 10 AM. I've survived the first 2 1/2 days of the liquid diet, which I must admit has not been -too- bad. Last night I had wicked cravings for salt (menstrual thing - thank goodness I don't ever crave chocolate!). As long as I keep going for the protein shakes and carrots, I seem to be hanging in there.
My bosses (2 part-time jobs) are being really great about scheduling, etc. - only minimal panic that I'll be out for my recovery.
April 5, 2006 (12:30 PM)
Well, I started the 2-week liquid diet yesterday. So far, so good! It does not seem to be making me ravenously hungry - the Trader Joe's Whey Protein Powder is keeping me feeling full. As long as I don't get bored at work, I might just make it through this part...
Yesterday I tried a pre-packaged protein drink (in a can). Within 5 minutes, my face had broken out in hives, I was itching all over, my joints hurt! I hope they will let me take them back - I had really stocked up!
In the meantime, I've gotten some incredibly supportive emails from friends, family and co-workers, especially from my sister, Pat and my new boss at KCG. It really helps to know that people can read what I'm writing here and understand where I am coming from and where I am going. I've printed them all out and put them into my WLS binder, to take with me to the hospital.
Back to the sugar-free jello...
April 2, 2006 (3:00PM-ish)
Yesterday I packed up 4 huge bags of my size 26 winter clothes to go to the local thrift store. So next winter, I'll either be thinner...or nekkid! I thought I might have trouble saying good-bye to the old standards, but in the end I also got rid of clothes I could wear over the next few months. I realized that I just didn't really like them. I really didn't like most of what was there! It wasn't as hard to let it go as I thought it might be.
Today my husband Steve and I went for my "Last Supper" (since the liquid pre-op diet starts on Tuesday). We went down the the historic district here in Philadelphia and walked around for about an hour or so and then had lunch at The City Tavern. They serve food based on 18th century recipes - it was a great treat. We had time to just talk about the surgery and what it means and how it will affect us both. Steve told me that he worries about me 'all the time', wanting me to be happy. That was the greatest gift going into the surgery I could ever have.
I feel great, the sun is shining - again! - and I'm ready to go make a vat of sugar-free jello!
March 31, 2006 (2:50 PM-at work)
My friend Martine points out that April 18th is my god(dess)-son's birthday. : )
Since the weather is finally breaking, I was planning on putting away my winter clothes this weekend. Since my surgery is scheduled, I am now planning on packing up my winter size 26 clothes and getting rid of them.
I keep wondering about clothes. When you are heavy, you wear whatever you can find to fit, not what you WANT to wear. What style will I choose when I finally have that option? What clothes will look best on the unknown small body shape awaiting me? I can now have a Wardrobe, not just a pile of stuff that may or may not fit on any given day. I suppose I'll have to wait and see how I develop as we go along.
I have also been thinking about this thing I went through every year about this time when I was little. It's going to be summer break (from school), and maybe this year will be the year that I will come back to school in the fall and be The Girl Who Lost All That Weight Over Summer Break and be popular and have lots of dates and a boyfriend and everything that goes along with that (when you are in Junior High).
But this year, I WILL be The-Girl-Who-Lost-All-That-Weight-Over-The-Summer!!!!!!!
March 30, 2006 (11:00 PM or so)
PICTURES! You can find some 'before' pictures of me and special friends at:
http://www.barhus.org/Linda'sPictures.html
Stay tuned for those after shots...
March 30, 2006 (3:00 PM or so)
YIKERS!!! Surgery date is set for April 18th. Linda in Dr. Dallal's office got my sleep study results (FINALLY) today, is sending in the insurance letter tomorrow and says she has never had a problem with my insurance company (and does not foresee any problems for me). She's putting the date of April 18th in the letter.
I was kind of hoping for April 30th (our wedding anniversary) or better yet, May 1st (Beltaine - a great day for new beginnings!), but I'm not waiting an extra two weeks for anybody or anything!
This means Sunday lunch at the City Tavern in Philadelphia, for the Last Supper. And my pre-op surgeon's appointment next Wednesday.
Phew.
March 30, 2006
Waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting...argh! And this Last Supper Syndrome thing has GOT to stop. You'd think I was never ever going to eat anything ever again in my life. Argh again. But the sun is out, and work is good, and I have a free weekend ahead of me. If I have to wait a few days or weeks, it will all come right in the end.
Argh.
March 24, 2006
Yesterday, I went out and bought a few pairs of work-place suitable pants, for my new job - size 26 Petite (I've gotten really used to wearing jeans at my other part-time job).
When I got home, there was a message from Linda at Dr. Dallal's office. She is going to call the sleep study place and harass them for my test results, the only thing she needs to get the final approval from the insurance company.
I asked her how long the insurance approval would take, thinking a month, two months maybe. She told me it would take A WEEK!! ONE WEEK!! Yikes! That means surgery in mid-April.
Oh, well - the pants were on sale, and somebody will end up using them...
I did feel a momentary panic about how quickly this all seems to be coming together. My meeting with Dr. Good (my PCP) to get the referral was on January10th, my first introduction to the Einstein Bariatric Program was February 4th, my first appointment with Dr. Dallal was February 17. But now that the door is open and I've had a glimpse of imagining what it will be like after the surgery, I don't think I could live with the failure of not moving forward. So, mid-April - here we come!!
March 20, 2006
Well, here I am, in a place I never imagined I would be. Two years ago, I began a journey which has changed my life completely and continues to challenge me and everyone I know. I hope that I can write some thoughts here so that (a) I don’t have to repeat myself a hundred times! And (b) explain to those of you who do not know me or who know me but haven’t been in on this process as intimately as others.
It all started with a movie, an independent Irish film called “About Adam”. The movie is divided into four parts, all of which revise the same scenes but from the different perspective of four siblings. Three of those siblings are sleeping with the main male character, Adam. The character of Adam, as played by Stuart Townsend, reminded me very viscerally of someone I knew many years ago. This person had made a large impact on my life, but in the way of things, I had forgotten the important life-lessons I had learned from him in the daily day-to-day living we all go through. The movie made me feel as if I was experiencing my encounter what that person all over again, especially with the portrayal of the character by Stuart Townsend.
So a little voice in my head told me to contact him. Well, I don’t do ‘fan letters’ – I’m a grown woman, for goodness sake, with a job and a husband and responsibilities and all that! But the voice would not let me go. If you can’t write a fan letter, then do what you do best – make him a fan sweater. In the end, I capitulated to that voice, took a leap of faith, and made the sweater. I went to a yarn store in another town (an hour away!) so nobody would know what project I was planning. I made the sweater in a single weekend, wrote a letter explaining what the movie had done for me, found his management’s address (online), boxed it up and mailed it out. It was done completely on faith, with no anticipation that he would even ever see the sweater. But I listened to the voice and did as I was told (with a request to someday meet him in person, but not counting on it).
And that was that – sweater done, life goes on. Six months later or so, a letter arrived at my office, addressed by hand, postmarked Hollywood, California. I opened it up and there was a full-page hand-written letter from Stuart Townsend! Not only had he seen the sweater, he loved it (and it even fit). It was such a treat to receive such a gracious thank-you, completely unexpected and a fantastic birthday present (it arrived the week of my birthday, when I was in a bit of a funk). I figured a letter was as close to meeting him in person as I could hope to get and that was that.
Until a few months later when I learned that Stuart Townsend was coming to Philadelphia for the opening of his new movie at the Philadelphia Film Festival. So I got tickets for me and my husband to attend the opening and showed up, camera in hand, to see the show. He was there, right in front of me, and I thought, no way can I do this. I’m a grown woman, for goodness sake! I have a job, and a husband, and well, you know the drill. Up popped the little voice in my head, saying, “Hey! I brought him all the way to Philadelphia for you because you wanted to meet him – get over there!” So I did – just walked right up and said hello. I handed my camera to someone in the crowd to take pictures, and then said, “My name is Linda Blowney. I made you a sweater.” Well. It was as if he was more excited to meet me than I was to meet him. A magical moment for me, caught on film by the mysterious person in the crowd with my camera. Everything was great, I was excited and pleased, all was happy.
Then I got home and saw the pictures.
I felt so awful about how I looked. This was a really important moment for me, and I looked so awful. When did I get that fat, anyway?? I was devastated.
The next morning, my husband had a doctors appointment, and I went with him. Sitting in the waiting room at Mount Airy Family Practice, I saw a paper on the wall advertising a group called “Weight Loss From The Inside Out”, being run by one of the docs in the practice and a woman with Gestalt Therapy training (who was also something called a ‘life-coach’, whatever that was!). I had seen that flyer many times before but never responded. I signed up that very day.
The doctor running the group was Dr. Linda Good, and the life-coach/facilitator was Mary Loiselle. I took the initial 6-week course and then have continued in a follow-up version since then (almost two years). I also did some one-on-one work with Mary, in her role as a life-coach.
In those two years, I have confronted just about every dark and scary place in my life. From my job to out-of-control spending, to relationships and being more true to myself, to writing a personal mission statement and starting to take classes in archaeology. I now work 2 part-time jobs, one of which is doing video editing (?? – where on earth did that come from) and have even won 7 awards for pieces I have edited over the past year. My other (new) part-time job is with a consulting firm that follows one of my most important discovered passions – working together as an organic team to find creative solutions to problems (they do strategic planning for health care systems).
Throughout the past two years, whenever I got 'stuck' or was in a place of decision or was afraid, I remembered the sweater. That leap of faith changed my life. What if I used that same leap of faith in other areas of my life? Imagine just how un-imaginably amazing my life would become! And it has. Every time I make that leap, it gets easier to do it the next time. I make the miracle come true every day. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but I believe that the simple act of believing changes the world, even if it isn't obvious to me on that day and in that hour. Someday, somewhere, it will come back to me. At least, that is the promise the goddess has made to me. And I am now a believer.
Of course, it helps to have a husband/friend/partner who is unbelievably supportive of all the changes I have been going through, including the surgery process. My husband Steve is simply amazing. I like to think that seeing the changes I have been able to make is inspiring him to move forward, as well. He is just a wonderful person to know.
So now, after two years of work, I am at the point where I do not want to hide from the world behind my weight any more. I am not afraid to be myself anymore. As a survivor of childhood incest, and of a few abusive adult relationships, I have hid behind this weight for all of my life. It also seems to make it easier for others to deal with my forceful personality. The weight dilutes the real me. I have been describing it as being lemonade - lemonade is all water and sugar and ice, with only the smallest hint of lemon. I am ready to be the full force of the plain lemon! Intense, tart, cleansing, fresh, bright, and with the full flavor of Linda – nothing hidden. It might not be easy for those who have been comfortable with the diluted version of Linda, at least in the beginning. But you must have seen the hints of what I was capable of, even if I never could.
I hope that my friends and family, as well as all of the new friends to be found out there, will find something in my story to inspire them and will join me as I continue on the journey to finding just what kind of impact the Real Deal Linda will have on her world.
-----------------
Right now, I have finished all of my pre-op testing and am waiting for the final insurance approval and my surgery date, which is projected for sometime in April (!!!). Dr. Dallal and his crew at Einstein have all been really supportive and helpful. I can't believe how fast it is all coming together! Since I haven't had the surgery yet, I can't tell you from experience what kind of surgeon he is, but I can tell you what kind of doctor he is - the kind who looks you right in the eye when you are talking with him. I am confident in him, in his team, in Einstein, and in my own ability to succeed. Wish me luck!
