athousandpieces

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Do you know how many times I've heard this? 

The critical part of me tells me that people can't say anything about my body, so they use this to still be 'friendly' in their comments. It's awful, isn't it, that I immediately think that? I've been told so many times that I have 'such a pretty face', and 'everything will work out for the best' that I want to scream.

About a year ago, I came to the decision that I was struggling so much with losing weight that I needed help by way of gastric bypass surgery. Of course, my thin friends, and some of my overweight ones, don't know why I am being so drastic--just eat less and exercise more, why do you have to go and change everything? The people closest to me support me, and I guess that's what matters, but the others don't know where I came up with the idea of cutting myself up is the only way I'll be healthy.

I've been at least chubby for most of my life. I know where it began. I was actually a normal-sized child until about the fourth grade. I still remember what the teacher said, aloud, in front of all the class. We had to finish our math assignment, and she had us all out on a picnic table so she could watch the good kids, the ones who finished the assignment, and the ones who didn't, like me, who had to stay and finish all the while knowing that others could go play and I couldn't. There were snacks on the table. At this point, I don't know why they were on the table, it was only a fifteen minute break. But, I had a bag of chips. The teacher singled me out and said, "Watch what you eat...don't become a human garbage disposal." Yes, she actually said that. Twenty two years later, I remember it clear as day. She's been dead for years now, but her humiliating words live on because I allow them to, sad to say. Of course, every boy in the class seemed to hear this insult and she basically gave them all the green light to harrass, taunt and torment me from that day on until the day I graduated high school. I went to Catholic schools, so these boys knew me from kindergarten through the 12th grade. Some are even on my facebook page at this moment. They were immature then. They probably knew it was wrong, but they were nine years old when the 4th grade teacher taught them it was fine to taunt me. What I'm saying is, it's not entirely their fault. I blame myself, mainly, because I let it go, and let it go for YEARS.

I didn't tell my parents until after my father died, so basically I told my mom. She had no idea that the teacher said this, and she says if she had known she would have taken me out of the school immediately. Why didn't I tell her? She was an adult. My teacher. I figured she knew what she was talking about because she was an authority figure. I didn't want my parents to be mad at me, because she must know what she was talking about.

When I was twenty years old, I finally started realizing that what happened in elementary and high school didn't impact my life now. I lost 62lbs in five months. I wasn't skinny by "thin people" terms, but I worked my ass off, literally. I looked good, at least in my own estimation. I was a size 14 at the time, people thought I was 140lbs, I wasn't but, I looked really good from how far I had come. This new look inspired a new confidence in my body. I had flirtations with guys, nice guys, but I soon realized that I was not prepared for all the interest I was now receiving. I look back at it now, I could handle it now, but I look back at it now, and I just wasn't ready for all the attention. I even told my best friend at the time, and he said, "You're supposed to enjoy all this attention." I guess I couldn't. I made some bad decisions workwise, and I gained a lot of the weight back, and then some. 

I have decided to become a clinical therapist. Yes, me. I can't believe it either. I remember in my quest to understand my eating disorder, I came across an overweight psychologist. Normally, you wouldn't, or I wouldn't think twice, but she was diagnosing me with compulsive overeating disorder. She was fat herself! I was discouraged. If she, a psychologist, couldn't get herself together, what luck did I have? That might be an underlying reason I want to get my weight under control. I'm great at solving other people's problems. My friends come to me for advice and counselling. They tell me I'm a natural at it. I told myself, even back then, if I were to become a therapist, I didn't want to be a hypocrite--I wanted to be a thin therapist, because I've made peace with myself. At that point, I wasn't thinking about surgery. In fact, when Carnie Wilson was all over the internet broadcasting her gastric bypass surgery, I was actually in recovery...meaning, I was eating healthy, not bingeing for a year and a half, and exercising five times a week, one to two hours a session. I thought, 'oh, I hope it will never get to that point where I need surgery." 

But it has.