bizzeebee
Let the journey begin
Feb 21, 2007
I have always been fat-I don't know myself as a a thin person. I have dieted,excercised,played vasrity sports,binge and purged-I have tried EVERYTHING...I am roughly 300 pounds.
Copied from an entry in my myspace blog earlier this year:
Today I receieved my info package from a clinic in Toronto that does bariatric surgery. I need to raise $16 000. Kevin had a bird when I told him how much it was-I think he was thinking more along the 5-6 thousand mark. I admit being a little shocked. i knew it wasn't cheap but I wasn't thinking it would be that much.
Bugs me though that weight loss surgery is considered cosmetic surgery. If I had a heart attack or stroke because of my weight the country pays through the healthcare system. If I become a diabetic the country pays....so WTF won't they pay 16K that could save them hundreds of thousands down the road?? Makes no sense to me. I think it has alot to do with perception..you are fat because you eat too much-so sad too bad. yeah well you know what-you die of anorexia because you don't eat and they pay to rehabilitate tens of thousands of skinny people every year. Make me sick. They treat lung cancer patients who smoked for 40 years-now there's a slap in the face.
In this world it is now okay to be any visible minority BUT a fat person. Don't beleive me? Walk a day in a fat person's shoes. Worse yet be a fat person with a medical reason for being overweight who eats healthy and is active yet steps on the scale every morning at 300 pounds give or take 10 pounds and try to gain an ounce of sympathy from the outside world. No-you just eat too much, sit around all day, eat bon bons and watch tv..,yep....hmmm...
So yeah-did I just admit my weight?? Looks like it eh? Yeah the shocking truth is out there for all to see. I am 5'6", wear a size 22 clothes and weigh anywhere between 285-300lbs depending on the day. According to charts I should be 117-143 pounds....making it roughly 150 pounds i need to lose. a whole person. depressing isn't it??
I hit 200 pounds at age 11. I was 220-240 in highschool. I bloomed up to 280 and then hubby and I did 2 hours 7 days a week at the gym and I lost 60 pounds-that was 7 years ago...my lowest was 217 for a few days-and a tight size 16. I was 240 when I got pg the first time, 308 the day I delivered her. I was 275 when I got pg the second time and maxed out at 290. i dropped to 265 and gained 30pounds concieving and being pg the third time. After Izzy was born I didn't lose anything-not a single pound. I ran after a 3 year old an 18 month old a new baby that NEVER napped and still didn't lose.
I went to my GP. I asked for help. She prescribed me Meridia after ruling out overeating-I was keeping to a strict 1400cal/day diet and had been for months and months. I lost 30 pounds and down to 279. I suffered from daily gallbladder attacks and had to stop the meds-gained 12 pounds back in 10 days. Over the next months I went down a bit and have sat here since then bobbing back between 285-300.
In the time since I have been diagnosed with Hpothyrodism...an underactive thyroid and latest lab tests say my hormone levels are more out of whack then ever before...I was one of the lucky PCOS women who's pregnancies made the syndrom worse-not better..lucky lucky me
without WL surgery I will never be at a healthy weight.
I have tried diet pills-perscription and non perscription, I have excercised, I have done low carb/low fat/no sugar/all natural/I drank the vinegar, threw up for 5 years, straved myself and at the lowest point tried to buy Speed from a dealer-thinking that surely to God it would help.(although I am not the druggie type and i chickened out-something i DON'T regret).
want a smidgen of the life of a fat women?? I have been called every name in the book, taunted by groups of men everywhere-from ugly catcalls at construction sites to horrible names being slung at me from teenagers in cars going by. i have had rocks thrown at me and lit cigarettes. I have saleswomen walk away from them in clothings stores and get disgusted looks at restaurants and fast food outlets any time I order. I have been passed over on jobs, had teachers who graded my essays lower then classmates who handed in MY same work, was turned away from an eating disorder clinic when I was trying to find help...surely I must have been lying about puking my guts out 7 times a day every day right?? Fat girls are not buleimic. No-of course not. We also don't have feelings or worries or deserve to be known for anything other then the way we look.
Discrimination comes from passerby's, from those who stare at you from afar but the worst-the far worst are the people in your life-your family and friends who think the same thoughts but don't say them. You know are THINKING them. In some instances they make off the cuff remarks about size and weight "oh i would kill myself if I was ever a size XXX blah blah"-meanwhile I would kill to be that size. Or "so so and so must weight at least 250 pounds" said always with distain. uhm..yeah-he's a man-and I am a women and I weigh more -bet you didn't know that. Almost makes me laugh out loud-and it happens alot.
In my family we don't discuss my weight. i am sort of the family embarrasment I think. It is never talked about-I mean NEVER. My mother feeds me at every chance she gets-constantly bringing over goodies and getting insulted if I don't want them. When I first met kevin it was culture shock because all his family does is talk about weight. It was clear I wasn't approved of. Even today almsot 14 years later at family gatherings there is always a weight discussion. i try to back out of it and fade into the background. I make a very good model to point at and say "i would never let myself get to that"
Some women I know are beautiful fat people. I have a very good overweight friend who was always thin until she hit her 20's. But she is as pretty today as she always was. I went to school with a girl who at that time outweighed me(she has since had gastric bypass and is so amazing!) but she had the most amazing features, high cheekbones and bright shiny eyes...she didn't need surgery to be beautiful-to be thin yes, but she was always beautiful. But I was not graced with beauty. There is nothing stunning about me-at best as a child I was cute, I have never been pretty. My family is not the pretty kind. really-I know that sounds bad but I cannot think of one 'pretty' person in my family. My sister was tiny before she had the kids and much more attractive then I but she was never what I consider pretty. Even thin i would be very plain.
So having weight loss surgery is not about gaining beauty. It is about being able to feel at home in my skin. To not shy to the background, to not be afraid to speak my mind, to not hesitate to swim with my kids at a pool. it is abpout the trips I want to take but won't go on fat. It's about the rollercoasters I want to ride but am afraid I won't fit into. It is about that speach I have wanted to deliver for years in highschool auditoriums about eating disorders and how truly they fuck with your mind. It is about having the courage and self respect to go to university, start my own business, to excell at all I know I can.
but most of al-it is about showing my kids-especially the girls that if they do end up like me there is away out of it-that they won't have to live fat like i have had to.
It is about me-the me I am always too afraid to show the world.
*edited to say....I'm not in anyway saying I have always made the best eating choices-I'm not stupid or a liar...and I am certainly not placing blame on anyone but myself*
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I am thankful to have found this site-I will need it as I continue to bang my head against the wall about my weight.
