Monique A.

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I struggle with constant pangs of hunger and with the dramatic increase in capacity of food intake. Last night, after trying the shake diet, I gave up half way through the day and went for yummy sushi. I was greatly discouraged that it took me two full rolls to give me satiety. I know satiety is in my head and mind hunger as I cannot read fullness without having a feeling of discomfort. 

So, I am trying the five day pouch test again. First two days include protein shakes only. Then, gradually, we add more foods selectively. The goal is to get a feeling of tightening in the pouch. Sometimes I feel the pouch is no longer there. Worst, I am hungry more frequently than pre-RNY. Food empties quickly from my pouch and hunger sets in quickly. I have done some research and finally came across something that may make sense. On a random support website for gastric sleeve patients, some complained of severe and constant hunger pangs. The recommendations was to add an antacid. I think I will give that a go. I know that I have a prescription at home so will have it filled ASAP.

I addition, I need to seriously move my butt. I have to get exercising. I haven't been to yoga since I experienced the onset of a major depressive episode in February. 

Anyways, will update and see if I can make it through the first 24 hours without solid food............wish me luck! 

This has been a crazy year. Found love and lost it, well, probably never had it in the first place but I miss him. Weight loss has stalled at 147-145 lbs. Have lost the ambition to stay on track and maintain motivation. Started slipping and letting cravings take over my life. I have taken some steps to get back on track but I have a long way to go to feel in control again. With all the crazy and horrible year I have had (epic stress and trauma over the last year), its a good thing I was earlier into the WLS or I would have fallen off the bandwagon all together. Goals for the next couple of months included:

1. Increase exercise and activity
2. Find local connections and support network
3. Maintain follow up with my doctor
4. Document foods I injects and make adjustments as required.

One of the goals there is not to lost weight but I feel that if I do get back on track, it will come naturally. In terms of unexpected upside of the WLS, I no longer suffer from IBS. For that, I am grateful. I just seek to have more control over what I eat and improve my overall mental and physical wellness after my year from hell. Too many details to share in a blog but will be glad to see things swing to the positive for a change. 

I cannot believe my life and the changes I feel. I can actually walk into a normal store and buy something off the shelf. What a difference six months can make. I am now a size ten jeams and loving/living life.
I met someone back in January and although I know he isn't a keeper, he makes my life fun. I like being with him and spending time with him. Now for the downfall.......my ex has quit his job and returned to live with his "family" here. I don;t have feelings for him anymore, since he returned to his wife's house in January and broke my heart. I cannot revitalize thsoe feelings and I want to spend my time with my new boyfirend. We haven't defined our relationship but there is something there. The reason I think he isn't a keeper is because of his past relationships and when I asked him what we had between us, he said "I don't like to think about those things........I am just having fun." Ok.......but that goes both ways. HE is fun though and I do like him..........more than than the other. The ex's behaviours are back to the way they were long ago. He has a way of sucking the energy and the air out of the room just by the dynamics he creates. The boys don't like him but are being polite to him out of respect for me. Hopefully he finds a job soon because I didn't sign up for this kind of drama.

Wow, its been a long time since my last post and my goodness, what a life change I have had in the past couple of months. First, the great love fest with the ex may not have been such a love in after all. I was ready to abandon everything and move to Australia with the kids to have a life with him. He went back to the his wife when he got off his rotation at work and was staying the spare room. This made me very uncomfortable and I expressed this to him. I didn't feel like I was being heard and he was petitioning for a seperation. Well, it was bound to happen and he slept with her. Next day he moved out and found his own place. This devestated me and left me realing. I thought I had found the love of my life......I was smitten and stupid.
I started seeing a local fellow and now I have, I think more feelings for him than he has for me....I think he just wants to have some fun, and that's ok because it gave some time and distance to figure out this mess with the ex. So, the ex is coming back March 9 and I am still the other fellow. I don't feel guilty since he (the ex) opened pandora's box. I feel more sorry for the other guy who wanted a casual relationship...but in casual, that goes BOTH ways.
Boy, the love life developes with the new body.
Now for nutition and other experiences. I haven't been eating my protein or taking my supplements regularly. My hair has been falling out, as is to be expected, and I need to take something to prevent that. First, I need to get the 60-80 grams of protein per day and I have heard that silica and biotin are good supplements to prevent the hair loss. WIll try that for a while and see how that goes. THis is the 5th month so it is to be expected.

So now I am at 173, putting me down to a loss of 55 pounds.  Going shopping at second hand stores has become a pleasure, not something that depresses me. I am into a size 14 pants/dress and quite comfortably so.
On the diet end of stuff though, I am not happy with my performance. I am not committed to the bariatric diet of high protein and low carb.. In fact, I find that I am craving carbs and unfortunately, indulging in the same. I will need to clear out my house of all the foods that are triggers for me like crackers, candies, chocolate etc. I don't dump and that is much to my chagrin. That was the one part of the RnY that I was happy about as a side effect because, certainly, that would deter me from my evils. Nope. I will seriously need to work from within and then figure out a way to beat this obesity or I will end up back in another operating room, but this time on my dime. I have been given a gift, and I am feeling like I am wasting it.

178 pounds!  It has been 3 months and ten days since my WLS. Wow, 50 pounds down. I have NEVER lost so much weight in one shot before.  I have lost 30, 40, 20 pounds but never 50. I had to actually buy new clothes (well recycled but new to me). I am now in an extra large!  No longer in the plus sizes. I was at a consignment store and saw a groovy pair of size 14 jeans, one size down from the ones I was wearing. I couldn't believe it when I zipped them up and they fit like a glove!  Not too tight, but just perfect. I thought they were going to be a pair of "goal" pants but nope, they are my new size. So now, I am wearing size 14--I have bought several skirts, slacks and jeans. oh yeah, I also bought a pair of size 12 "goal" pants. What the heck!?!  I have never been a size 12, well maybe when I was 10 years old! What a feeling this is. I feel attractive and desirable.
Oh yeah, I have also been in a relationship with my ex-husband. We have so many plans and I have so many feelings for him. He is back at work and I probably won't see him until he can come back in march. I miss him when we don't chat online at night and I am getting obsessed with him. He makes me feel sexy and desireable. I want to be with him which is so different from the 13 years ago when we were married. I wanted no relationship....did I, we or he grow up or change? no idea but I have to say, its a lot more confident in relationships when I am comfortable in my own skin. I love walking by the occassional reflection in the window of myself to see that wowser of a woman looking back at me. I like to look at myself and try on beautiful clothes. I couldn't have imagined that three months and ten days ago. Still have more to come.....

I am now down to 184 pounds. What an insane couple of weeks this has been. I read back to my previous log about watching my heart and feelings closely but that just went out the window. I am in love deeper than I have ever been in love. Will left to head back to Australia (via his home in New Zealand) on Dec 2 and it tore my heart out. I am constantly thinking about him and wanting to see, touch, hear him. I want him near me. We have plans to reconnect in a couple of months but my heart and soul is constantly aching for him. This is more intense then I have ever fallen in love before.
He is the father of my twin boys and we had such a deep connection this time. I don't know what it is but I have never loved with such abandonment before. Irony since a couple of posts ago, I said I needed to be careful.........nice plan but so much for caution.
Last week, I had the first issue with my sugery. I went to the doctor at a walk in clinic to get a renewel of my prescription. I told him my heart was pounding hard (maybe the love quotient) and he checked me out. He said that my heart was fairly slow and had extra beats in it. So, he sent me to the emergency for an ECG and bloodwork. He suspected it was an inbalance in my electrolytes. Will came with me and despite my resistance to being there, kept me entertained all night. We were finally released after several hours as we had to get back to the kids. So now, I await to see the doctor tomorrow to get the results from the bloodwork and the ECG.

I met with Dr A on November 18. He is pleased with my progress and weight loss. He wants me to participate in a government interview about WLS and the benefits to long term health improvement. I am so thankful for this opportunity, I will do anything if it means someone else can be helped by my experiences. I am off insulin now and the doc was very pleased to hear that. He had mentioned it may take a long time for that to happen because I have been diabetic for so long. Guess not, only eight weeks. DYNAMITE.
We talked about his post surgery report because I was concerned by the note he had made about a large amount of adhesions on my bowels. He said he was not concerned by it but with history of bowel cancer, he recommeded a referral for a colonoscopy and a follow up every five years for general screaning.
That being said, another family member died yesterday. My uncle Ray passed away from bowel cancer, after my uncle Claude died five years ago from the same thing. My mother has had it, my father died from it (two weeks after diagnosis) and well, its rampant in my family. If there was ever a motivator for this surgery, that right there is it. RIP Raymond.

I am 190 pounds. This feels amazing and I am starting to really feel comfortable in my own skin. The visit with my ex is going super well......too well in fact. I know I look great and I feel great and this too will pass.
We spent the weekend in Victoria and had a great time. It was a little crowded with so many of us in the small suite but that's ok. Next time I will book two seperate rooms if we all go together.
Oh the feelings this visit is conjuring up for me. I still have feelings for him but not sure that I want to make myself available to sharing them. That would make me too vulnerable and I don't want to go there again. Trust is a huge issue between us given the water under our bridges.  We have barely had much sleep and for the past week, we have been surviving on barely five hours a night. We have been talking about way too much stuff and feelings we have. I am ready to take a chance but not sure that he is emotionally available. I just can't risk my heart breaking again.
That being said, I will be in the 180's next week if all goes well!!!!!!!!!

Why is it so hard to stay motivated to get on the treadmill!?! This morning, I committed to 20 minutes on the treadmill and I hope to do at least another 20 minutes tonight. Inactivity leads to weight gain and more frightenly, depression. This is something I cannot afford to be doing (or not doing in this case.)
30 hours until the ex husband comes to town. Like I have posted before, this will be the first time I have seen him in over 12 years. Will be weird but will post about it.
On an upside, I lost another two pounds this week. My goals for the week are to continue with the treadmill, get the protein in and drink the water. Easier said than done but that is what goals are all about!
P.S: bought a comfortable pair of size 16 jeans this weekend. Yahoo!  From size 22 to size 16.