Bootsee01
So, I've always been bigger than everyone my entire life. I can remember at 175 and even 225 thinking I was so huge. Ha, I look back on those pictures and pray to be that small again. Not only have I been big my entire life, but I've also been beautiful and never lacked in confidence. My mother knew my sister and I were bigger than everyone so she always made sure we had nice clothes, nice accessories, personalties, and great manners. We were never really picked on in school and happened to be pretty popular girls, me most especially. However, there has always been that lingering thought in the back of my mind of how I wished to be thin. I played softball for 10 years of my life until I was 16. That allowed me to stay trim, but I was STILL bigger than everyone. I've dated here and there and have always been in the social scene. I'm always the one everyone wants to be around, but no body wants a fat girlfriend, so my boyfriends weren't plentiful. I'm recently married to a guy I went to high school with and he loved me the minute I parted the doors in the 9th grade. We never dated, but saw one another over the years. We met back up in Sept. of 07 and married in Dec of 07. Ha, I know, it's crazy. He's thin and fit and tall, but loves me and every bit of me. The problem is, I don't love me that much. I hate looking in the mirror now. It's gross. Not only my looks, but now I'm afraid of my health. It's not a question of IF it's a question of WHEN I'm going to have high blood pressure and diabetes and knee replacements. I don't want to get to that point. I won't be able to live happily. I'm already confining myself slowly. Thin people don't know what it's like to sit in a chair and be afraid it's going to break or having the nurse break out the extra large arm cuff to take your blood pressure or not being able to cross your legs in a room full of ladies or not being able to buy a bracelet or a watch in a normal store or not being able to wear that lingerie for your husband that you so desparately want to wear or worrying about walking too far and breaking out in a sweat (even though I've always been a sweater). All of these things have an impact on your life whether you're wearing a smile or not. I hope things come through for me. I'm now the fat sister since my sister had the surgery in 04. I want so bad to be thin and healthy and active.
