BornBad

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I was sitting in my room just staring at myself in the mirror today...... finally I just broke down and cried.  I recently gained 3#. (again with the yo-yo) making my total weight loss 18#.

I will be banded a full year next month and I have completely failed. You know what bothers me though? It's not that I failed at this but rather that I allowed myself to beleive that it was okay to fail at this. What is wrong with me? I mean am I that hopeless that even surgery that shrinks my stomach to the size of a lemon can't cure me? i thought this was going to be so much easier... i thought I would be down at least 40 or 50 by now. I'M STILL PAYING THE STUPID LOAN EACH MONTH WICH IS JUST A REMINDER OF HOW BIG I STILL AM!!!!

If you are planning on getting surgery or if you just recently had it done don't take this post to mean that the band doesn't work.  IT DOES WORK! I am the one that doesn't work. When the band tells me it's had enough to eat I don't throw my food away, I put it aside until the fullness goes away and I could finish my plate. I eat ice cream before dinner because I know my band won't allow me to eat it after dinner. I take chocolate with me to work cause there is no place to buy some by where I work. I eat something before I go out to eat just in case.... I found a way to tolerate rice, and bread and almost anything else I want to eat.

Why am I doing this to myself? Am I trying to punish me? I know what I am doing is wrong but I do it anyway.  I actually talk to myself, like there are 2 sides to me and the dark side always wins! Did I need to see a shrink before a WL surgen? Am I hopeless?