Brinkley
Take This Day
Apr 25, 2007
I am so guilty of letting life hold me back from really living a strong fulfilled life. I hope to put that behind me. Jill sends the most wonderful daily inspriations!
Take this day
Take this day and run with it. Look your problems squarely in the face and overcome them one by one. Reach into your own passion and purpose. See the life you were truly meant to live, and start living it this very day.If you've allowed something to hold you back up until now, make it your business today to move on past it. You deserve to live fully. You are worthy and capable of great things. So get on with making them happen.
Use your feelings and emotions as a way to enjoy and experience the incredibly beautiful and diverse universe of which you are a part. Refuse to allow those feelings and emotions to keep you enslaved in any way.
Let this day know you were here. Have an impact. Make a difference. Express yourself and the purpose which drives you. Build and create, love, laugh, learn, share and console. Add your own special joy, your own unique perspective, your own dreams, thoughts, ideas and positive influences to this day. It is here. It is now. It is your grand opportunity to live on a scale as large as your possibilities. Make it unforgettable, starting right now.
-- Ralph Marston
Beautiful New Beginning- Words to Live By
Apr 23, 2007
since green is a healing color I posted in green for all of us who want the new beautiful beginning! These are truly words to live by.
BEAUTIFUL NEW BEGINNING -
Never before has life held as much promise as it does on this very
day. The possibilities open to you right now are more wonderful and
abundant than they have ever been.
You may be suffering under the sad illusion that the best days of
your life have already come and gone. Choose now to see beyond that self-imposed limiting thought.
Open your eyes to the beautiful truth that the things in your life
with real value and meaning never decline or decay. The longer you
live with purpose and sincerity, the more intensely you experience
true love and joy.
It may seem that your mistakes have been piled on top of mistakes,
and that nothing can free you from your burdensome regrets. Yet the freedom you seek is as close as the next moment.
Every beauty you've ever imagined is real, and exists in you right
now. Every joy that you've ever glimpsed is yours to live and to
express any time you choose.
You stand in this moment at a beautiful new beginning, full of
promise and possibility. See it, know it, live it, and allow the joy
to flow more abundantly than ever before.
-- Ralph Marston
__._,_.___
BEAUTIFUL NEW BEGINNING -
Never before has life held as much promise as it does on this very
day. The possibilities open to you right now are more wonderful and
abundant than they have ever been.
You may be suffering under the sad illusion that the best days of
your life have already come and gone. Choose now to see beyond that self-imposed limiting thought.
Open your eyes to the beautiful truth that the things in your life
with real value and meaning never decline or decay. The longer you
live with purpose and sincerity, the more intensely you experience
true love and joy.
It may seem that your mistakes have been piled on top of mistakes,
and that nothing can free you from your burdensome regrets. Yet the freedom you seek is as close as the next moment.
Every beauty you've ever imagined is real, and exists in you right
now. Every joy that you've ever glimpsed is yours to live and to
express any time you choose.
You stand in this moment at a beautiful new beginning, full of
promise and possibility. See it, know it, live it, and allow the joy
to flow more abundantly than ever before.
-- Ralph Marston
__._,_.___
Without a Doubt
Apr 23, 2007
Thanks Jill!
Without a doubt
If you're to succeed at any endeavor, the first and most important person you must convince is yourself. Success comes not from merely a belief that you can do it. Success comes when you absolutely know you can achieve it.How do you know you can achieve something new before you actually do it? You usually don't. That level of certainty is something which is built along the way. You do know, however, that you can take the first step. So that is the place to begin.
Every small success builds more confidence -- confidence and assurance which will carry you to the next step. Every step you complete not only brings you closer to the goal, but also deepens your certainty in your ability to get there. Every step you complete gives you the solid conviction that you can succeed at the next step.
Following this process, by the time you're ready to take the final step you know without a doubt that you can do it. Confidence and accomplishment build on each other. By taking the first step, the most important thing you do is that you begin to convince yourself. As you continue, your confidence grows. Continue to build on each small success and there's no limit to what you can accomplish.
-- Ralph Marston
Daily Motivations
Apr 14, 2007
Thanks Jill!
I found these words to be so truthful I wanted to save them to remind myself. It brings to mind another saying I am very fond of:
Believe to Suceed
Inner Achievement
Anything you achieve on the outside has first been created
on the inside. The victories that the world is able to see
are direct reflections of the victories that you've already
won within yourself.
Your biggest obstacle to success can be your own inability
to see yourself reaching it. Once you know without a doubt
that you can do it, you will indeed make it happen.
The most important person to convince is you. Once you are
truly convinced that you can do it, others will quickly be
convinced as well.
Whatever you seek to achieve, achieve it first on the
inside. Then, even the most formidable outer challenges will
not have the power to stop you.
Inner achievement will build your confidence and fuel your
persistence. Inner achievement will put the power of purpose
behind every action.
Work to convince yourself of the worthiness and value of the
goal you seek. And from that inner achievement, the outer
achievement will surely flow.
Ralph Marston
I found these words to be so truthful I wanted to save them to remind myself. It brings to mind another saying I am very fond of:
Believe to Suceed
Inner Achievement
Anything you achieve on the outside has first been created
on the inside. The victories that the world is able to see
are direct reflections of the victories that you've already
won within yourself.
Your biggest obstacle to success can be your own inability
to see yourself reaching it. Once you know without a doubt
that you can do it, you will indeed make it happen.
The most important person to convince is you. Once you are
truly convinced that you can do it, others will quickly be
convinced as well.
Whatever you seek to achieve, achieve it first on the
inside. Then, even the most formidable outer challenges will
not have the power to stop you.
Inner achievement will build your confidence and fuel your
persistence. Inner achievement will put the power of purpose
behind every action.
Work to convince yourself of the worthiness and value of the
goal you seek. And from that inner achievement, the outer
achievement will surely flow.
Ralph Marston
__._,_.___
While I wait...
Apr 07, 2007
When I started on this journey toward a new me with WLS I knew this was not going to be the easy way out. So many people think it Is the easy way out. But let me tell you its Not. The rules you must follow to remain healthy afterwards are astounding and some are complicated. This surgery is simply a more severe tool to help us in our fight against food addiction. It's a permanent change to our lives. It has to be a life time commitment or the weight can come back. If I go to the trouble and sacrifice of having something as major as this surgery done, I certainly don't want the weight to come back because I gave up on the rules. For someone who is an emotional type eater the negative reinforcement (illness associated with certain foods) can help us redirect the need to eat. That along with therapy I hope can help me control my desire to feed the negative feelings I carry around.
Sugar is the enemy. Even now I know the difference in the way I feel when I have had to much sugar. Hidden sugar in food after this surgery can really make you sick. The symptoms are near to being the same as a heart attack victim. It's an illness called dumping. I wont go into the details of what that is since I find it gross. But lets just say its worse than being sick with a 24 hour virus, where you never leave the bathroom. I am hoping that with all the horror stories I have read concerning this that I never cause it to happen to me. But the worst fear concerning dumping is that after you have adjusted and are eating regular foods again. If you are not very careful when eating at restaurants, or even friends houses. It can happen to you accidentally. A lot of Chef's/Cooks use sugar in their recipes. In recipes that you would never dream there would be sugar. It's been recommended that you ask your waiter to make sure there is no sugar in anything you order. Yesterday afternoon while I was having dinner at Texas Roadhouse, I ordered the portabella chicken. When it came it looked lovely. But I looked at the gravy with the mushrooms and wondered if there was sugar in the sauce. I am glad I am already subconsciously thinking of these issues. So when the time comes I hope I will be prepared to deal with all the little changes I have to make. I am a long way from having to deal with those issue's yet. But I am glad they are on my mind. Any little changes I can make prior to the surgery will go a long way in helping me to have a successful post op life afterwards.
So While I am waiting for the insurance to kick in I am reading the Centennial Medical Center WLS yahoo group posts. I have learned so much more from reading what the members of this group are going through one step at a time than all the years I have scanned sites on this surgery. Hearing their day to day struggles helps me to understand what's going to be happening. It has seriously taught me this is not the easy way out. From people who are pre-op like me, people who are a week, a month, 6 months post op. all the way down to the people who are 3-4 years post op. All of these wonderful people are so frank in sharing their lives. It is truly helpful and I really appreciate their honesty when dealing with life during WLS recovery and life change. Hearing their thoughts and daily issues, knowing there is group support right there if I need it, makes me feel like it is possible to get control over this disease.
I have already sent in my registration to CMC. It was sent in a week ago Monday. So the ball is rolling. I have not heard back from them yet. But its only been 4 business days. I am hoping to get started on the support group meetings soon. I figure every ounce of help they offer is going to be needed to beat this addiction of emotional overeating. That's one of the things l loved about Centennials program for WLS. Once you commit and have the surgery, They offer these programs to you for the rest of your life. Its all included in the price of the surgery. So regardless of how long its been since the procedure I can get some help with no extra expense. Dietitians, therapists, groups of people who know exactly what I will be going through. Mostly because most of the staff have been through it themselves. I think that is extraordinary.
The insurance package came the other day. I am getting closer! We did find out that it wont go into effect until May 1st, not April 18th, as we thought. But heck 14 more days without insurance wont kill me... I just have to try and find some more patience. Those of you who know me well know I have none of this virtue. I try.. lol
So as I meander through this process. I hope you hang with me.
Til next time...
My First Seminar
Apr 07, 2007
My first Seminar was March 20, 2007
I should not have been surprised be all the people at the meeting but I was. There were at least 60 men and women, if not more that's a loose estimate. The room was nicely decorated and the chairs! I don't know if all of you understand the significance of a good chair for a larger person. There IS nothing more embarrassing than a chair breaking down as you sit in it. Its has happened to me on a couple of occasions. So I sit lightly until I feel safe to relax. But these chairs were study and comfortable. I truly appreciated the effort Centennial medical Center went to, to make us comfortable in the 3 hour Seminar.
I should not have been surprised be all the people at the meeting but I was. There were at least 60 men and women, if not more that's a loose estimate. The room was nicely decorated and the chairs! I don't know if all of you understand the significance of a good chair for a larger person. There IS nothing more embarrassing than a chair breaking down as you sit in it. Its has happened to me on a couple of occasions. So I sit lightly until I feel safe to relax. But these chairs were study and comfortable. I truly appreciated the effort Centennial medical Center went to, to make us comfortable in the 3 hour Seminar.
Dr. Houston, pronounced Howston, was the surgeon speaker this night. He was friendly, funny and truly knowledgeable in his chosen field. I liked the fact that he had an easy smile and truly gave me the feeling he wanted to spend his life helping people. He stayed behind during each break to answer questions from individuals that were to uncomfortable to speak openly in front of the group. Lap Band and Gastric Bypass are the only surgeries he performs and from what I have learned evidently he is one of the best! I think he and I will get along just fine.
He was straight forward in his explanation of the surgery and the effects it would have on each persons life. He told in depth of all the risks involved. and what could happen. He explained it was a life long commitment. I thought a lot about all of it afterwards and I still believe it can help me.
Its going to be a long process to have this surgery. So it could be 4-6 months before it happens. But I have waited all these years a few more months can't kill me right?
So now I wait until the insurance kicks in. But from that point. Its all good!
Til next time
In the beggining....
Apr 07, 2007
After many years of being without health insurance as of May 1st we will be covered again. Never before have I looked so forward to seeing doctors. When you don't have health insurance you tend to ignore warning signs that there are problems that need seeing to. Or just try the old I'll treat myself at home bit. When doctors are so expensive to see and you just can't afford it. Those rare visits are saved for real emergencies.
There are some visits planned. The family practitioner is first on the list of visits. I must get back on my anti depressant medication. The dark times in my head are staying much to long these days. I have an enormous amount of internal anger that needs to be let go. I don't know exactly where it stems from but I do know its always been there for as long as I can remember. I went to an Iridologist a couple of years ago. He asked me how long I had been depressed. Before I could answer my mother spoke up and said all her life. I stopped, took a breath, thought for a second and realized in that moment she was right. I was the melancholy child/teen and adult. There have only been rare moments that I have felt true happiness. When the inside monologue shuts down and lets me breathe in real contentment. I am not so proud as to continue this fight on my own. I believe I have gotten too good at faking that I am OK. While honestly inside my head is a nightmare trying to get out. With no health insurance I could not continue to spend that amount of money on medication. But with the coming of spring I do see a light at the end of a dark tunnel. Let's just hope its not a train. I am ready to feel better about who I am and who I want to be.
The next doctor I must see is the Good old Gyno and his salad tongs. I would rather take a beating than to have to see That Dr. But Alas I am over 40 and should do the right thing and have the old hoohaa and hooters checked out. I mean who doesn't look forward to having their breasts flattened like a pancake pressed firmly between two iron skillets? And lets just face it. When the girls are as ample as mine are they don't get it done in just one shot! They've got to flip it around and fry it up in the pan! I shall grit my teeth and let it happen. What have I got to lose except my dignity in the stirrups, who needs that?
So to deal with all the changes I will be attempting to take on. I plan to find a psychologist or psychiatrist to scare the living daylights out of. I'm only partly joking. No lie, The last time I tried to talk to a psychologist, she left her practice. I know it had honestly nothing to do with me. She just wasn't ready for her job with somebody as complicated as I am. What does that say about me? I have said before that I have what I call Soul Sickness. My life might not have been fun and games. I had/have difficult divorced parents. But there are many people whose lives are worse than my own is/was. Why does/did my mind react like it has and others react and find strength that I feel I lack? I think to succeed and finally feel good about me myself an I... I have to find a qualified doctor who can handle all the aspects of who I am. who I wish to be. No more rookie's I need the heavy gun's.
now for the real reason we are here today...
Gastric Bypass Surgery. There. I said it out loud. I think when you have been overweight all your life, Tried numerous ridiculous diets. That never last long enough to see real lasting results, the answer has to be something as drastic as this surgery. I am predispositioned to be overweight through inherited genes. My lovely great grandmother on my fathers side. Who I have been repeatedly been told we are just a like. I wish I could see pictures of her parents and grandparents to trace this back even further. Now that said, its not the only reason. Just a contributing factor. I am an emotional eater. Dealing with depression and trying to close down numerous feelings that I find it hard to deal with. I feed the emptiness hoping it will go away. And sometimes for just a moment it does. it always comes back. Another reason for finding a qualified mental health doctor. If I want this surgery to succeed after the physical part is done, I have to be mentally ready to deal with my emotions.
Emotions That got me to where I am today. My hiding from life in the form of weight gain. When I was 12 there were a couple different events which further shaped my young existence. I was sent to live with my father when things with my sister got to be to much for a single mother. On one hand it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I had loved the farm from the time I was old enough to say cow.
on the other hand events began that changed me forever.
From the time I was 12 I have been noticed by men. I matured early. I was molested by an uncle. My father's job beside farming was running in the spotlight with whatever he happen to build at the time, hot rod tractors, stock cars, monster trucks mud boggers. he was and still is a successful racer. Which meant I spent a lot of my young years in the pit crew doing little jobs to earn my allowance of 10.00 a week plus taking care of my calves and helping out with the farm. There was no where for me to hide as I had work to do. My fathers own friends used to hug me their sides and tell me I was beautiful. Creeped me out. "You have such a pretty face.." Oh how I despise those words.
Perfect strangers stop me where ever I am just to comment my looks and the odd color of my hair. It started going gray when I was 8 yrs old. The life interruptions, started when I was 13. As the dark chocolate turned gray then turned white and gave me what looked like skunk stripe in naturally dark hair. I became more and more noticeable and more and more I wanted to disappear. There are lots of people in this world with salt and pepper hair. Why single me out? now that's not true but that's how it feels. Combine a beacon of hair color with a too mature body on a girl that was sheltered pretty much her whole life and its just to much on an emotional teenage girl that had problems living to begin with. I'm 44 years old. Its still happening. But being Southern I smile and say thank you like the good girl I try to be. Bless their hearts.
I think most of my years I have felt out of sync with my life in this world. I don't fit in just one mold of how I am supposed to feel or be. So this is where the journey starts to try and find some answers to many questions I have concerning my weight and I.
I have decided to begin the journey to have this surgery. Tonight is my first Step to finding out what the real facts are. The Seminar is being held at Centennial medical center in Nashville, TN. At 6 PM. So that's where I will be tonight with bells on. Hoping to learn encouraging things to help me reach my goal.
I hope my friends will go with me on this ride to the real me. I want to step out into the light and no longer be afraid to be seen. Emotionally and physically. I don't want a models body. I just want to be comfortable with the one I have been given and ignored for too long. I want to move and know inside I can do what ever I wish to. I want my soul sickness to find a cure that leads to real happiness and easy smiles and deep laughter.
I plan to blog my progress with pictures and how stories of how the journey is going.
I only know approximately what I weigh now. I wont post that until I am sure of the number. but my goal is 170. I find that to be realistic.
If you have hung in with me on this long read. I send you many grateful thanks you's
I'll tell you about the meeting tomorrow....
until next time
