Cagair

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Ok, mentally/ emotionally, things are just going to hell.  While I've been married for 4 years, I've been with my husband for 11. I don't think in 11 years we've argued as much as we have in the last month.  While I hate to take on the blame, it really is me. 

My emotions are out of control. I'm on wellbutrin, but I'd swear I'm not and I do NOT want to know what I'd be like if I was off of it.  I knew going into the surgery that I might have a couple of issues to deal with after wards. 
For instance, I've always used my weight as a way to hide away from people.  My "wubby" if you will (security blanket).  Also, I knew I sometimes ate when I was stressed. 

HOLY COW. I expected a little bit, but what I'm getting is a flood of emotions. I absolutely did not realize how much I was eating away my emotions to numb out.  Now all these years of hidden numbed out emotions plus new stuff is all coming forward and it is overwhelming.  I can't turn to food  like I use to. It is impossible.  Even if I tried (which I have) it doesn't work. 

What use to be subtle anger now feels like uncontrollable rage I have to be so careful.  I don't want to be around anyone. I don't even want to go to work. Of which I can't focus at work at all. 

Thank goodness I'm seeing someone. She has been wonderful. Basically gave me the "well no wonder...".

I'm not exercising like I should be. I use to walk everyday at work, now maybe once or twice a week. That only feeds into guilt and fear of ruining what I've done and makes me cry. 

WOW I feel pathetic..............

So - I'm going to hold off as long as I can before taking out my gall bladder. Since I'm not in any pain - just mild discomfort and not even consistantly, why risk surgery right now.  Good chance I'll get a hernia and he'll have to go back in. 

A little frustrated. Can't seem to get to my 2nd goal of first 100lbs off. Jan 9th I was at 93 lbs. 1/28 I was at 98lbs.  LOL I am not complaining by any means. Just feel frustrating when I am so close. I wanted to ask if I could strip down to me skivies!!!

SO I go back on 2/27 for my 6 month evaluation. 

Right now I am a little tired. Here lately, when I wake up I can't seem to get going - get motivated. Glad I can work from home, but I don't want my boss to think I'm taking advantage of it. 

Certainly not going to be able to keep doing that if I am going to look for a 2nd job. 

So, as it turns out, looks like I have gall stones. I'll see Dr. Mitchell on the 30th to talk about what we can do. 

I've been so slakin lately. I haven't been keeping a diary of what I eat during the day. I've been guessing at whether or not I've gotten in enough protein. I pretty sure I'm not getting in enough liquids and I haven't been exercising.....

I don't know why I.. actually I do. I'm scared. 

I've been overweight all my life and suddenly I've lost a lot. I'm still WAY overweight, but it's coming off. My "security" blanket protecting me from people is disappearing and I'm scared. 

I'm not suppose to have bread or pastas or any of the like, and I've been cheating just a tad. No sweets or anything. But I had a little bread with dinner the other day and a couple of bites of mashed potatoes.

It all comes from the same place. 
What I just can't seem to do is get back on track. I don't feel like doing anything, going anywhere. My husband and daughter are going out of town for the weekend and I can't wait to just have the house to myself. 

I need to snap out of this and I know it..

Sooooo.. clearly I'm slackin on the upkeep here!
Holiday went smooth. No issues there. Didn't eat things I shouldn't have. 

However, recently, in the last week, I've been having trouble eating and drinking. I'm 4 months out.  When I eat or drink, I feel a pressure in my chest just below the breastbone and it makes me feel like I'm full before I've really started (only had a bite or two or sip or two). 

I went to the surgeon today and they think it's most likely a Stricture or possibly an ulcer. I'm headed back down to Pinehurst on the 16th for a EJD and ultrasound. 

The good note? I've lost another 21lbs. The not so good part is only 13 of that was fat. I need to kick up the exercise to more than just walking at work for a mile. Doc says more vigerous.

Went to the 'Canes game tonight. 

The normal scene is I can't fit through the turnstiles  at the entrance. So to keep myself from futher humilation (other than having to ask them to move it and let me by) I have my husband or friend stand behind me so that no one else has to hear. 

Tonight - I didn't.  Tonight, I FIT! I slid right through. Granted - it was sideways but I fit! One less humuliating thing checked off the list - many more to go!!

It's really weird - how there are days you just don't want to eat, drink. It's like you have to force yourself.  At least that is how it is for me sometimes. 

Today is one of those days. I don't feel bad. Not at all. But I just don't feel like doing anything. 

And then I have to wonder - am I always going to be keeping a journal to make sure I get my protein in and my fluids? I left my book at work, and I just don't feel like tracking every frickin' thing.

I know I'm behind on everything. It's 2pm and I have only had 1 pkg bariatric oatmeal (15g protein), 32 oz diet lemonade, 10 oz coffee and a corn dog (morning star vegan dog - 8g). 

I wish I could take a nap. I want to sleep!!!! But if i do, I'm even more behind. But then I never feel like I can take a nap. It seems to disrupt the eat/ drink routine and then I'm rushed later.

So, I don't know what the hell is happening to me...

I don't want to eat. I can't sleep. I'm crying at everything. Although, I felt like I had some reason to want to. 

Normally my husband is the kind of guy that everyone wants in a man. But this past weekend he hurt me so bad..
Simplicity of the story is that he has some friends, of whom one doesn't like me. I don't know why. We use to go over to their place to play a game. Till the one decided he didn't like me enough to basically tell me to get lost. 
Now that my man and I are married, it SHOCKED me beyond belief that he thought it was "ok" to go over to there house and play with them via an invite, even though he knew I wasn't welcome. 
It's not the point of going over there. I would have told him to go ahead had he said something to me like "Honey, i've been invited to..... but I know how you and ... don't get along...."   What REALLY hurts is that it doesn't seem to bother him in the slightest that they would be rude enough to treat his wife that way and he didn't say anything at all and just started going.

UPDATE: And it just goes down hill. My daugher who plays hockey is going to be one of the features during the intermissions at tonights games. We get one free ticket for the parents and one for her.  I have to have a "special" ticket since I can't fit in the seats.  SO I had to email the coordinator and ask for a special ticket. Then later I called my daughter who has started to get very "upity" with us.  We have to get past the employee gate entrace at the arena so I told her we should go together since she is the one playing. I didn't think they would believe me if I came alone.  Her response? "Uhm- no I'm going shopping with a friend then we're going together".  So I'd be trying to get past a guard with no proof alone, sitting in a special section alone and never see her except for her 3 min on the ice and nothing but stares and comments as usual added to her attitude.

I should be over it. Normally I am. But even thinking about it keeps making me cry! I'm crying at songs for goodness sakes!

This is so not me... and I don't know where this is coming from. 

I have my 3 month check up on the 28th. So I think I'm going to ask them to do a hormone check. With the weight loss I'm wondering if my hormones aren't out of whack.

Today was a GREAT DAY (even though the Hurricanes lost).

Had a health fair at work and my Gluclose was 81, my BP was 125/82 and my Cholesterol was 156. I really don't think I could have asked for anything better!!!

Did lots of walking around the RBC - have the blisters to prove it
But it's all good! 

Today - I'm HAPPY TO BE ME which is a new experience

Ok. Monday was a good day. Not great - but ok. 

Today? UGH. I can't shake this "I don't feel all together right, but can't put a finger on what" Feeling. 

I don't want to eat. I'm happy to just drink and sleep. But of course I couldn't do that and I had to go to work. 

I had oatmeal for breakfast. I had a banana ready to go, just couldn't get to it..  It took every fiber of control tomake myself drink my protein shake for snack.  Lunch was suppose to be white tuna with egg and mayo and carrots, but I lost the carrots.  The tuna is the single service prepacked tuna. I got some egg from the salad bar at work. Mixed it - but only ate 1/2. Just couldn't eat. Afternoon snack? I took the banana to work to eat at snack with some sunflower, pumpkin, and other seeds with dried cranberries. 
I only ate 1/2 the seeds.  

I drank quite a bit in all this, but not enough to get my 80 oz in today I don't think. I'm gong to have to push tonight to finish. 

But I've felt so lethargic. Even a couple of people at work asked how I was, because I didn't look like I felt well. 

Meh.....

So, today has just not been right. I can't say why, but it hasn't. I feel.. emotionally pent up. 

I just went online to play a game I like.. and I couldn't get anything done I wanted to with my character and actually became angry. Like break down and cry angry.

My husband just got back from VA with the kiddo from playing Hockey this weekend and I just want to be as far away from anyone as possible.  Him even talking about hooking up the Camcorder to the TV bugs the crap out of me like "What makes you think *I* want to do that right now, I could care less".   Yet he hasn't done anything to me!

I don't know why I feel so angry. I swear.  I feel like you should call me Regan and I should start spewing Pea Soup.