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Greetings everyone, I just received an email from the OH website reminding me that it was my anniversary of joining this site.  That kind of hit me all at once. It is so hard to believe that it is been nine years since my surgery!  I've always said that having weight-loss surgery is an absolute last resort. If there is any way  you can manage your diet your nutrition your health by normal means, then that would be the best option. That being said, I am so grateful that I made the decision. If you read my past blogs you'll see that nine years ago and even longer than that 15 years ago my life was in utter chaos!  Alcohol, food, and many other things served as substitutes for my lack of self-worth and my shame.  

13 years and 44 days ago I had a spiritual awakening! God came into my life and took away my craving for alcohol. Since that day in the year 2000 I have not had even the slightest hint of a need to use alcohol or any other chemical to solve my problems!  Nine years and two days ago Dr. chute and Dr. Drew at Abbott Northwestern Hospital helped me to remove food as a coping mechanism for my problems!  And a few years ago with the help of my sponsor and some very special people in my life, I learned what a codependent unhealthy relationship can do to you!  And I'm proud to say that I am more happy joyous and free today than I have been at any point in my life!  And I'm willing to bet that in a year or two I will be writing another post that says the same thing as life continues to get better every single day!!!  Now, while I have not had any Alcohol or drugs nor have I have the desire for any since March 21 of 2000, The food has been a struggle at times... The first two years after surgery were very simple I couldn't eat anything except the very softest and highest protein foods. There simply wasn't a choice if I cheated I threw up. And I am grateful for that because I was able to get down to 197 pounds before my first year was up.  I maintained that weight for quite some time, however as many of you out there know there are ways to cheat. I started taking sugar in small doses, started having higher fat foods in smaller quantities more often, and eventually because of not being in the right mental frame of mind, I started putting weight back on.  In late December 2011, my scale read 298 pounds. I was devastated! But I decided it was time to make a change.  And surprisingly, it was very simple. I followed the pouch rules and stopped eating sugar!  By October I was back down to 195 pounds, and have maintained a stable 205 pounds or less since then!  

The latest lesson that I learned, was very simple.  I have always been the kind of person that doesn't want to hurt somebody's feelings. So when I found  myself in a disastrous relationship, rather than stand up for myself make a decision and make a change in my life I allowed that person to hang on for approximately 5 years after I knew that it was absolutely the wrong relationship... I felt absolutely miserable, I withdrew from my friends, from my family, and once again found the need to fill that void and I chose food.  When I finally stood up for myself, ended that relationship, and started to find myself again, I realized that I'm a really good person! And then I started to become really fun again, and life has changed in such miraculous ways I find myself in awe!!!!  

So, if you find yourself in a relationship with an alcoholic, a drug addict, or a generally codependent ,  miserable person who drags you down every single day, end it now! Do not hold on, it does not make it better, and it doesn't get easier by putting it off  and waiting for "the right time"!  I have come to found out that I am one of the rare exceptions. I have tried to help literally hundreds of people overcome their alcohol and drug addictions. 99% of them fail. They end up in jail, they end up in treatment center after treatment center, or they end up dead.  Or they simply remain living day after day waking up,working, and drinking until they pass out and then doing it all over again while destroying everybody in their path... They will tell lies about you to your coworkers and your friends. They will cheat on you, they will lie to you sometimes even seeming like they believe their lies, and they will rob you blind, not only of material possessions but of your very sanity.... Those of us who have dealt with a lifetime of being overweight, and living with the shame that that causes, need to understand that we have to take care of ourselves first!  And when we can come to love ourselves, then hopefully we will find our purpose in life, And enjoy the rewards that the good Lord had intended for us the whole time!!!

Well I should sign off now, but I wanted to say hi and let everyone know that life can be amazing, that all of our cravings, and all of our addictions, and all of our pain can go away permanently, one day at a time if we just Keep on doing the next best right thing!!!  Peace and blessings to all!!

To new frontiers!

554/197/200

357 pounds gone forever!!!

Hard to believe it has been 3 years since I posted here!  Lots happening in life, Bought a restaurant, left a relationship, had ups and downs, gained 50 pounds, pulled out the pouch rules, lost 30 pounds (so far!).  The one thing that has been on my mind that I want everyone to hear is that while I thought I had it all figured out when I was at goal 1 year post op in 2005, the BEST of us can still fall back into the old ways.  Old tapes played in my head, I lost my spirituality for a while and the pity party got me for a few years.  At 8 years post op, I am getting a little better every day at seeing a worthy and attractive person in the mirror.  The other thing is that the only way I can get better and stay that way is through my connection to others who are facing the same junk as I am.  We need to stick together and help each other and listen to the voice in our head that is telling us things that we would not think of on our own, that's our Higher Power giving us the push we need.  My journey has come full circle and I am again proud, grateful and excited that I got a second chance at everything, family, living, love.....

To New Frontiers!!!!
Duane
554/240/220
314 pounds gone forever!?!

Greetings again!  I was interviewed by the Echo Press, our paper in Alexandria, about my weight loss journey today and the article should be in next Wednesday's paper.  Lots of info going out to 15000 people!  I have been very forthcoming and honest in here with all of you, but the paper goes out there to all the normies!  Guess I won't be able to walk past those people from my past who don't recognize me anymore now. Life is good up here in God's Country and I hope to see some of you again soon.  Should be getting back to abbott for a checkup and will make it to renewall.  It is still on Tuesdays, isn't it?

Until next time,
Duane 

Hello everyone who may still remember me!  I have been a real stranger around here.  Life is good!  Still 210 pounds or so looking to drop 10 more (lol). I bought a restaurant in Alexandria last winter and have been living it 24/7.  Hope all is well with everyone out there and remember, follow the simple pouch rules and you won't fail!

Duane

......................................................554 pounds.....................275 pounds
......................................................5-02-2004.....................12-23-2004


I am a 554 Lb man age 35. I am 4 days post op and feeling pretty good. More later.

Well, I am 17 days post op and have lost 39 pounds already! I know that this loss is so great because I was so large to begin with. I have followed the plan to a tee, and measure my food, take small bites and chew like crazy. I have not had any problems with any food so far and am drinking 64 or more ounces of water a day. I have been to support groups and found that those who had problems generally didn't follow directions exactly. I had an open surgery because of my size, and was on soft food before I left the hospital. That's all for now!
Duane



...................................My daughter and I....................................My daughter and I
..............................First day of school 2003...........................At the Science Museum 1-15-2005



Captain’s Log Stardate Syttende’ Mai 04 (May 17, 2004)

My oft-belittled brain and all its twisted workings need help. I have decided to record my journey to find myself in all its squalid glory. The Journey begins!

Two weeks ago on May 3rd, 2004, I underwent Gastric Bypass Surgery for super morbid obesity. I entered Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis, MN at 6 feet tall weighing 533 pounds (554 top weight) with a 78-inch waist and 42 inch thighs. How in the world did I get to be over 500 pounds??? I have asked myself the same question for years and only end up feeling more and more depressed. I was born on April 11, 1969 on a small family farm in rural Minnesota. I remember being happy and active until I was 7 years old. I underwent a tonsillectomy and started eating. Coincidentally, that is about the time my parents started to gain their weight back that they had taken off in Weight Watchers. I just now remembered that fact...hmmm. I felt less than all my classmates and was frequently the butt of their jokes. I ate more and they teased more. I hated them. I guess I knew that was wrong, but I felt hate anyway. I realize now that I was eating to put on not just weight, but a protective shell against letting anyone into my life. While I longed for companionship, I wanted to hide in isolation. WOW, I really felt despair. I had all the same problems overweight kids have like being picked last for games, not fitting into the basketball uniforms, and most horrid of all, being on the team that is picked to play “skins” in gym class! I probably would have committed suicide then if I would have had the idea and the means. Luckily, yes I said luckily, I found alcohol and drugs around the age of 13. I am a recovering alcoholic of about 4 years, but that is another issue that I won’t go into detail about right now. Suffice it to say, I was able to be a whole person and let down some of the walls while under the influence. Alcohol and sometimes marijuana helped me forget the fat and the ideas of worthlessness that haunted my adolescent years. The endless search for euphoria helped me to stay alive until I could find help.

As I said before, I got sober in March of 2000. I floated on a pink cloud of sobriety for a good year or so, but then that came crashing down. A very special person in my life said “Now that you have a year of sobriety, we need to work on your weight. You’re not going to live very long if you don’t”. SLAP! I had been eating in oblivion for a year, happy with the fact that I was sober. There is a saying in recovery that 12 step programs will f*%k up your drinking. Well, the same is true about eating. I never again binged on food without feeling anxiety and depression. I tried diets, prescription medication, therapy, anorexia, bulimia, and other 12 step programs. I knew the food was killing me. I knew I had to stop. I thought about that for 3 more years as I ate to oblivion. My Doctor had talked to me about weight loss surgery way back in 1994, but I was in no shape emotionally to deal with that. Finally, on Mother’s Day 2003, I turned to God with a simple and honest prayer; “Help me to not overeat today. Show me how to make it stop.” About an hour later I ran into a high school friend of mine that was also overweight his entire life. But guess what, He was thin! I asked him how he did it and he said he had had surgery to lose the weight. We exchanged numbers and later in the day I realized he was God’s answer to my prayer. There are no coincidences in life my friends. If you think about it, many of you who are reading this today may have found me by “chance”, or because of some turn of events that led you here to hear my story. Think about it.

I began talking to my new old friend regularly and did a TON of research about the different surgeries and surgeons in the Midwest. I decided to go to the monthly seminar on bariatric surgery at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis in June of 2003. I found hope!!! I signed up and was told that it would take about a year before I would have the surgery. I could have gotten in sooner at numerous other clinics, but I only felt comfortable at Abbott. Doctors’ Schwartz, Drew, Chute, and Hu are among the best in the business.

I passed my psychiatric evaluation, which my therapist said I would never have passed 4 years earlier, and was cleared for surgery. I was disappointed about the yearlong wait, but it really did go fast. I had to say goodbye to many foods that I cannot physically eat anymore. I do miss them after only two weeks, but when I reflect on the big picture, I have found freedom from binging on them!

So here I am today, Syttende’ Mai, (Norwegian Independence Day), and also my former wedding anniversary. I forgot to mention that I met and married a wonderful woman along the way, but my despair, anger, and emotional distance from her drove her away. It was for the best. We were both looking for someone to make us feel better, a caretaker, and not a soul mate. Maybe in another time.... Back to the point at hand. I am still scared of the future. I have no idea who I am. I have done so much work on myself emotionally and spiritually, but feel like I want to keep the walls up. What am I scared of? Intimacy? Rejection? I haven’t tried to be in a relationship for so long now that I don’t know how. Plain and simply, I’m scared as Hell. What if people like me? What if they don’t!? These feeling are coming out because I can no longer turn to food to bury them. So I write. I will write every day I have any of these feelings until I can let go of them. I know I am ok. I know I am worthy. So are all of you who are reading this. I am learning how to love myself a little at a time, and with God’s help everything will turn out better than I can ever imagine. I know this because I am still alive today. I didn’t commit suicide, I am sober, and I can no longer overeat. I have hundreds of friends in the groups I belong to who truly care about me, even before the surgery. I need to let them in and share their love.

I am going to tell you a little about the food I have been eating and how my surgical recovery is going. I was on soft foods before I left the Hospital. I had cottage cheese and turkey for lunch, and eggs and mashed potatoes for dinner. I can eat between 5 and 8 ounces now, which scared me. I thought I would only be able to eat about 3 or 4 ounces, but my new old friend told me that the soft foods can slide through my new stomach pouch letting more in. That will stop when I go to solids. I have not had any trouble with any food item yet, and have not yet thrown up. I am following directions very well and chewing the heck out of my foods and taking very small bites. So far so good!

I am going to log off for now, but will keep you all informed often an my progress

To new frontiers,
Duane.


Captain’s Log Stardate 19 May, 2004


Today is a bright and beautiful day for me and my new pouch. I just successfully ate 4 ounces of broiled salmon and one ounce of mashed potatoes. No problems yet! Hard to believe just 16 days ago I was laid out with my abdomen cut wide open and now I am feeling so good. I only took my painkillers for four days after I left the hospital (9 days total). I take tylenol occasionally for soreness and pain, but not for two days now.

I had some trouble yesterday with psychological cravings. I really wanted a Coke. I haven’t had any cravings for candy or sweets, just the Coke. It was such a strong craving that I wonder what they put in that stuff. I have not had caffeine or sugar since the day before the surgery. I guess I feel pretty good without it. I used to wake up feeling so sluggish and crabby everyday, but now wake feeling rested and jovial.

I have really been meditating about my family of origin and how I grew up. I should explain how I meditate. I go to my room, close the curtains, and lie back in bed. Then I think about my day until I have a problem or question. Then I ask my Higher Power for an answer. Then I LISTEN! Sometimes I listen for 20 minutes, sometimes for hours. I always get an answer if I am willing to hear it. I have begun to realize that I learned nearly all of my behaviors from my parents. I have never felt good about myself and have always been searching for something to make me whole. I watched my parents get angry, use food to medicate, and gossip and slander other people presumably to make themselves feel better. I don’t really remember ever being happy. I knew that things were different in other families, but what could I do? Food and the TV were my best friends. I have an 8 year old daughter that I am trying hard to raise with honesty, respect, self esteem and love. I think I am doing ok, but kids can sense everything. I’m sure some of my lack of esteem has rubbed off on her. Every time she comes home from school and says that someone doesn’t like her, I try to talk it out and explain that if a kid is mean, it usually means they don’t love themselves. Thankfully, Hailey doesn’t have weight issues at this time. I think she’ll be ok because I am changing and her mother is normal weight. Time will tell.

I should probably say that if my parent’s ever read this site, I understand, I don’t blame you, and I love you very much, even if I still have a hard time showing it. My intention in this forum is to better understand myself so I can change my life and to help anyone who is searching for help for their problems just like I did.

I realized something yesterday. Since the surgery, I have felt more free and confident, even though you can’t see the weight loss yet. People have seen the change in me and I was invited to dinner by my daughter’s friend’s mother. She is one of those people who is very pretty and “together”. I had a hard time approaching her in the past because I felt intimidated. Now, I don’t mean to sound like this was a date, just a couple of parent’s taking their kids to dinner. I think it is significant to note, however, that maybe because of the spiritual change and confidence I feel, maybe I was the approachable one. Maybe my underlying doom and gloom covered with a fake smile was the thing keeping people away from me. Maybe it wasn’t just the weight. I really felt normal yesterday. To be able to go out in public with another person and have an adult conversation was awesome.

I have also not had the urge to lie for a few weeks. I used to make up stories to make myself feel better or look better and that was no fun. It is hard to remember which story I told whom. I feel like I am growing into my new life. I also realize I have a long way to go. I need to run now.

To New Frontiers,
Duane


Captains Log Stardate 28 May, 2004


Today I find myself struggling. With what, I do not know exactly. I am restless and anxious. My heart is skipping beats kind of the way it used to before I would have tachacardia (SVT). It’s different though. I had plans for the weekend and circumstances and people beyond my control have fouled them up. I guess I am scared. What do I do now? I just went for a 20-minute brisk walk and my heart responded great. It rose to about 130 and returned too normal after the walk. Then later it started skipping again. I guess that means I have some stress to deal with. I can’t stuff my feelings under ice cream and pizza hut anymore, so I guess they are coming out in different ways. I am a little disturbed that my weekend plans are off, but I really feel like isolating today anyway. Maybe the isolation is what is causing some of the problem. I don’t like the company I’m keeping! I do like myself and know that I am worthy today, but sometimes old habits die hard.

I have also been having some trouble thinking about going back to work. I am a chef by profession, and haven’t worked since May 1st. Now I have to go back to work next week and I really don’t know if I want to. I will be surrounded by food. Cookies, cake, ice cream, pop...all the things that I ate non-stop before the surgery. I feel like a recovering crack addict being forced to live in a crack house! Guess I had better figure out a game plan. I feel better now.

I had my 3-week checkup yesterday and Heidi said I looked great. I am down to 488 pounds, a 45 pound loss so far and only 24 days out. I gave myself a b-12 shot, (piece of cake), and got my new instructions and meal plan. I went fishing today and we did pretty well. Caught several walleye’s, northern’s and even bass, (we threw them back!) The five-pound walleye will probably make 8 meals for me now! I got about 2 1/2 pounds of filet from him.

I learned something new yesterday at the doctor. When I feel a lump at my sternum and think the food is going down slow, I was told the food in in my new stomach and that means I am full. WOW! I was waiting a few minutes and then finishing my meal. Heidi told me that the soft food was probably just passing out of my pouch and making room for more. I also learned that if I get heartburn while eating, I’m probably full. WOW! I thought I never got full anymore just like I never get hungry. In reality, I just didn’t know what full feels like now. I was told I would never feel stuffed, not like before, and may not feel satisfied after eating. I also learned that my rny was proximal. Abbott does not do distal procedures. I did have 150 cm bypassed, which is twice the normal obese person. This is because I was so much larger that others. I was told that I should expect 100% absorption of nutrients as well as calories.

I need to sign off now, buy will post again later.

To New Frontiers,
Duane


Captain's Log Stardate 22, July, 2004

Hello again! It has been a long time since I was last here, but am happy to report that I have lost 110 pounds since May 3rd (79 days!) The food is going pretty good, but there are a lot of things I cannot eat at this time. I'm kind of getting into a routine--4 or 5 foods that I can eat; I do. The rest I leave alone for now. I feel pretty good and have been doing a great deal of outdoor activities. Gotta run for now, but will write again soon.

To New Frontiers,
Duane Rostad



Captain's Log Stardate 18, September 2004

Greetings all!!! It has been a long time since I have updated but am pleased to report that I am down 163 pounds at 4 1/2 months out! The food is going good as long as I follow the rules, i.e. chew, eat slowly and no sugar. Life is so wonderful. I took my 8 year old daughter to the state fair and I went on rides with her! I haven't ridden a ride since I was 15 and was kicked off because the lap belt would not fit! I am still 370 lbs, but I feel like Lance Armstrong. I have incredible stamina and agility and am having fun just playing. Dr. Chute and the staff at Abbott Northwestern in Minneapolis are the best in the world. I have a new life now and thank God every day.
I found a website the is free and tracks your food and gives you instant reports on your nutrition. I have had a much better time tracking my protein and everything wlse since I started using it. It is www.fitday.com. It is wonderful. I need to run now, but will try to update more often.

To New Frontiers,
Duane Rostad

Captain's Log Stardate 8 November, 2004

Greetings all!

I am overjoyed to report that I have passed the 2 Century Mark!!! Today I weighed in at 327 for a total of 227 pounds lost! What a joy this has been. Hard, trying, overwhelming at times? YES! But I would do it again in a second. I try to follow all of my Dr's instructions to a tee, and don't beat myself up if I stumble. I track everything I put in my body at fitday.com and my nutrition is great. God is great! Life is good. That's all for now. Hope to submit some pics soon, but don't have a dig camera or scanner yet. Later.

To New Frontiers

Duane Rostad
rny open 5-03-04
533/327/220
-206 and losing strong!




Captains Log Stardate 2 February, 2005

It has been too long since I posted. What an incredible journey this had been!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am now officially 2 pounds under ONE HALF of my top weight! I weighed in at 264 today and my BMI is 35. Wow. The food is generally going well although I need to follow the rules because I can still throw up if I don't chew or take bites that are too big. Small price to pay. Work is great, play is great, life is great! I nearly never have any emotional problems with the food, head hunger, cravings etc. I do still see the huge me in the mirror most of the time, but sometimes the mirror sneaks up on me and I see a stranger!!! LOL Still nothing to report on the dating front, but I am getting more comfortable flirting and hearing compliments. I posted a while back on the boards that a waitress I used to work with came back to the hotel for a visit and said "Wow, is that you Duane? When did you turn into a hottie?" I replied that I have always been a hottie, and now shallow people can see it too! I felt kind of bad slamming her like that but she never said 2 words to me in the past and is one of those cute, shallow, image conscious women. I have seen her since and did make amends for my transgressions. I understand that she didn't talk to me because I put up walls to keep people away and probably seemed like an emotional train wrck most of the time. The weight was just a part of that wall. Thankfully most of the walls are down now, as I have shared probably to much information about my loss/surgery etc with anyone who asks. My daughter will tell strangers about my loss and surgery any chance she gets! I don't really like that but allow her to do it because that's part of how she is dealing with this and she really IS proud of her dad. I just asked her to tone it down with people I don't even know!

Now, a word about skin!!! I have too much! When the time is right, I am approved as my ins considers PS part of the original surgery and I have issues. Rashes, getting pinched and in the way at work, difficulty exercising, the occasional boil etc. Really TMI!, but oh well. It is what it is. Now I have to begin the journey to find a PS who will take an insurance case! I didn't realize that would be an issue until a friend of mine was approved by his WLS surgeon to seek out a PS and the first four places he contacted said they didn't deal with WLS patients and insurance. Self pay, no problem. What gives? Oh well, just another hoop. I need to run now, but will post again soon.

P.S. I sent my pics in to kricket 10 days ago, but they are really backed up and I have no idea when they may be up.

To New Frontiers,

Duane
533/264/220
-269 and losing strong!!!


Captain's Log Stardate 3 April, 2005

WOW!!! I just had possibly the best day of my life at the OH Event in Bloomington yesterday!!! I got to meet other people who know what's up with the surgery/weight/self-esteem thing, hear great success stories, meet Bo and Cheryl and Dr. Ganz, listen to a great plastic surgeon and actually talk to him, see my surgeon give a great presentation on life after WLS, and best of all, spend a wonderful evening with a knockout gorgeous young woman! If you read this, thank you for the great evening! I have never really felt comfortable around women that I am attracted to, but felt so at ease and blessed to have met you. If I were to never see you again, I have been forever changed by the experience. BTW, see ya Tuesday!

I realize I have been growing in confidence and self esteem over the last year, and truth be told, I was in pretty good shape emotionally for a 554 pound guy, but I realized something profound last night. I have always known I am worthy. I have always known I am a good person. I have always known that I deserve to be happy. Last night at 2am driving home on a long dark interstate I actually felt it. No more telling myself I'm all those things, I am those things. So are we all!!!!!!!!!! All of us who have lived in the prison of fat and low self worth are worthy!!!!!!! Don't let anyone tell you differently. Thank you for that wonderful gift!

I looked in the mirror today and wasn't even disgusted by my hangy skin! I am grateful for it. It reminds me of how well I have done and also of where I came from. That helps me remain grateful and humble at the same time. I was worried that I might get cocky If I had success, but I have been really good at being good to other people for the most part, (except for 1 or 2 that were really rude to me in the past, and I even apologized to them!) I could talk all night about how wonderful life is, but I fear there are not enough words to describe the emotions.

So, I will now tell you all about some of the good things that have happened to me so far. I got a promotion at work a few months back, and am now the Executive Chef AND Assistant General Manager of my hotel and restaurant, My daughter is now proud to have me take her to soccer games and school events, I am probably (if my offer is accepted, and it looks good) buying a beautiful house and moving out of the trailer I had to buy when I lost my shirt in my divorce in 2002, I finally drive a nice vehicle that I can afford, and I have dozens of friends that love and respect me as I do them. Pretty good for a 500 pound drunk who people ran from when I walked into the room 5 years ago. WOW again!!!! Time to sign off for now.

To New Frontiers!
Duane
533/222/?
311 pounds gone FOREVER!!!




Captain's Log Stardate 6 April, 2005

Two posts in three days?! Something must be going on in my life, huh?... I need to update for those who didn't hear at Renewal or even care, that I have 175 lbs of lean body mass and at 219 have 21% body fat!!!! I was born with more than that!!! Dr Carey said my goal weight would be good at 200. That would be around 16%. But, should I keep losing to 200? I have at least 15-20 lbs of skin that needs to come off. If I hit 200, I will be tiny and have no fat? What do I do?

Part of the reason I may be losing so fast still is because my RESTING metabolic rate is 1933 calories per day. With my crazy job and the exercise, I prob am as high as 2300, maybe more. I can only eat 1200 cal's per day unless I cheat, and am scared as hell to do that. I have my 1 year in three weeks or so, and I'll ask more then.

WARNING< DANGER WILL ROBINSON< DANGER!!! I just remembered something scary/funny that I thought I would warn all of you about! If you have lost a great deal of weight and you go swimming, start at the shallow end and walk in. I dove in the deep end and guess what--yeah, I don't float anymore and guess I don't tread water well!! I thought I was going to drown. Good thing they put lots of chemicals in the pool if you know what I mean. (just kidding!)

That's all for now. I want to send a huge thank you out to everyone who volunteers to Angel and shares their journey with others. This has been an incredible miracle and I couldn't have done it without all of you. If you don't Angel or get involved with support groups etc, give it a try. It's like an insurance policy against gaining back.

To New Frontiers!

Duane
533/219/God only knows!
Under personal goal
-314 and feeling blessed!









Captain's Log Stardate 21 April, 2005

2:30 am and grateful as hell. How do I begin to describe or explain how I am feeling right now? Here goes: I am starting to see the me everyone else is seeing around me. My daughter is getting ever more proud of me. I have found inner peace and serenity. The promises are coming true in my life and I can't wait to see where I end up next! God has a plan and I hope I can get out of his way and let him do his work..



To new Frontiers!

Duane - 333



Captain's Log Stardate 23 April, 2005



I wonder how I finally got to the decision to have this surgery and even though I know how hard it was to decide, I cant believe I waited so long. As good as everything is, why couldn't I do it? The answer is simple. I am a food addict. I hated being fat, but couldn't bear to lose my best friend........food. How sad I was in that prison. I lived in many prisons in my day. Food, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, pornography, crime, you name it. All these things I did to hide from me! Guess what, every time I woke up or came to, I WAS STILL THERE! I have not been able to let go of any of my vices until I was good and ready. I have liked living in "black joy", never happy unless I'm bitching. So today, I try to feel my emotions instead of stuff them. I I am feeling a lot these days! The good, the bad, the memories all come flooding in and almost overwhelm me sometimes. I wanted to bring a cookie home from work tonight and tried to make some of my happiness go away. Why? I have no good answer. I left the cookie alone and am going to bed now. Thank you very much for listening and helping me through another case of head hunger. Look for more to come!!!

To New Frontiers,

Duane
533/200/10 lbs under personal goal








Captain's Log Stardate 1 May, 2005

Two days shy of one year out and down 326 pounds! What a ride. Now comes the hard part. I have reintroduced some foods into my diet that I hadn't been able to eat until now. Breads, grains, more complex meals. I had chicken breast, prosciutto and wild mushrooms baked in a puff pastry with brie cheese last night. All ok things, but I had a desire to eat more when I was full. I didn't but this scares me. I need to stay connected and try to figure out some of what is going on. I have had a much higher tendancy to want to nibble/chew/something for about the last month. Coincidentally about the same time I finally and for real quit smoking. I realize I have some wierd oral fixation, now to figure out why. What is it about the act of chewing and tasting and drinking that gives pleasure or at least eases the discomfort I feel from time to time? I can only think that it is the reintroduction of carbs from grains and sugars that is creating that phenomenom of craving in me again. I am going to try cutting them out again for 2 weeks and see if that changes the feelings I am having. At least I have this forum to come to to try to get through the spots when I need your help. I feel much better now. I will post again soon after my 1 year check up and labs on the third! I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart!

To New Frontiers!
Duane




Captain's Log Stardate 9 May, 2005

7 am and ready to go! I have never had this much energy before in my life! I had to post a quickie update because last night was too much fun! My daughter and I went to the playground at her school and I played on the monkey bars! I did everything she could do and more! Then we went to the track and ran a half mile and I did not get winded or stop to walk even once. I could have gone for miles I know. What a joy this new life is and what a blessing this surgery was for me.

I also realized something else this week. I don't care so much anymore what other people think of me. I try to be good and kind to everyone I meet and know, but if that isn't good enough then there is nothing I can do about that.

That's all for now. Hope everyone out there in OH Land has a wonderful day and receives all the blessings you deserve.

To New Frontiers,

Your Captain
Duane




Captain's Log Stardate 19 May, 2005



Life is good! I started swimming this past week and cannot believe how grueling an exercise it is. I am finding muscles I never knew I had before and think this will definately tone me up better than my prior workouts. My daughter got a kick out of swimming with me for the first time ever. I seem to be having a lot of firsts in my life right now. I wonder how much better this ride will get?!?!?! I am blessed and even if it all ends today! Thank you to all who love and support me as I love and support all of you. Here's to trudging the road to happy destiny!!!

To New Frontiers!

Your Captain



Captain's Log Stardate 7 July, 2005

It has been a while! I have been without a computer for nearly a month with the move and the fact that my power supply fried for some reason and I have been too busy to put it in until now. Anyway, life is good! Down to 197-201 depending on the day. Have been flirting with chocolate and exercising regularly. Haven't gained a pound yet, but know I need to be careful. I got mostly moved in to my new house and things look good for a promotion at work this month! I miss you all and will be back and posting soon, if only short fly-by posts! Take care for now.

To New Frontiers!

Your Captain



Captain's Log Stardate 18 August, 2005

Greetings all! It has been too long since I last updated. Life is wonderful overall. Finally got moved in my new house, though I still haven't started organizing the garage. Weight is remaining pretty stable, around 204, work is crazy still, and my Mother is still very sick from chemo and now having some heart trouble. Prayers needed! I thought I looked really good when I posted the pictures on my profile from January, but that was 80 lbs ago and now I look at them and see a fat guy! Will have to send new pictures very soon. I guess my head will probably always try to play the old tapes and see me as overweight. All else is good! Personal life has never been better, advancing to the next step at work is very close now, and I feel great physically.

A funny thing has been happening though. As I have been spending less time at AA meetings and more time other places, I am running into more and more drunks in need! Maybe God is trying to tell me something. If I am not going to work my program, he will make me work it! Seeing a newcomer who is hiding from his pain in a bottle really makes me see me. I have hidden from my problems, feelings and misdeeds in booze, food, drugs, cigarettes, porn and unhealthy relationships my whole life. Now everything is gone and I need to work on myself more than ever! Thankfully I have been able to keep my brain in the right spot. No pity parties, no anger, no selfishness or inconsiderate behavior etc. I am still able to let the crap go....I can't change or control it anyway! If I keep trying to live in the moment and be the best person I can, life is wonderful. If I think about all the things that have gone wrong and how other people aren't doing things the way I want them too, (like every day when I was drinking), I am miserable. I was at the bottom ready to end it all and found hope in some good friends and AA. I better do what I can to give back to the still suffering drunk now and always.

Along those lines, I need to come here more and post replies to newbies with questions more often. I need to give back to you all as well. I challenge everyone who reads this to give 20 minutes a day replying to newbies with questions on the state and main forums. Let's give back what we were so freely given! That's all for now.

To New Frontiers,

Your Captain


Captain's Log Stardate 28 March, 2006

Way too long since an update! Here goes the cliff's notes version! Still 210 lbs, up 13 from dehydrated all time low of 197 last June 05. Not too bad considering I kind of slacked on the food measuring and recording of everything I put in my mouth last fall. My Mom did pass away a few weeks after my last post and I kind of went into a tailspin. Started eating bad stuff like sugar and M&M's oh my! Actually saw 222 on my scale in February. I got scared and realized I was eating my feelings again so I started weighing and recording my food again. Guess what...It's hard to eat M&M's when you havve to write them down and account for their calories!!! Hope to be at 200 again soon. The plastic surgery journey hit some snags. Dr Knotgen who I started this journey with is no longer in my network with Medica, and now I had to start all over with another Dr. Tried Dr Fasching and a few others in my network, but guess what...NONE OF THEM WILL TAKE AN INSURANCE CASE!!! I don't understand how that works when they are in Medica's network and Medica approved my surgery already with Knotgen, but none of them will talk to me unless they see the money. I am pretty fed up with the whole deal. No way I can come up with 40 Grand to do this myself. The only person who will talk to me is Dr Buckley at the U of M. She is great and will do my surgery, but doesn't do lower body lifts. She does piece by piece procedures and said people like me are generally unhappy with the results because there is so much skin to remove from everywhere. I guess it is hard to make all the parts look good together unless you do it all in one 10 hour LBL procedure??? Beggars can't be choosers, so she can slice and dice away. Anything is better than this!

My Dad seems to be doing a lot better than the rest o0f us with Mom's death. I guess he saw that she was in a lot more pain than she told us about. He moved off the farm into a retirement apartment complex in town. Now he can play cards in the center instead of being alone in a 6 bedroom farmhouse with 10 acres to mow.

All things considered, I am doing very well. I have been able to let go of the things I can't change and live in the positive parts of my life. Those parts are fantastic!! Work, Sobriety, (6 years last Tuesday the 21st), weight, no smoking, personal life and everything else is just great. I feel truly blessed to be alive and healthy today. May I never take for granted what I have lest I lose it. Learned that lesson too many times! Blessings to all and till next time...

To New Frontiers,

Your Captain