Carrotstick

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Today is a good day because it is the first day since I gave up caffeine that I have NOT had a headache or migraine.  I guess this means I've officially kicked it.

It's been generally ok - I've been somewhat irritable and having a constant throb in your head isn't fun, but I honestly did expect worse.  There was one moment when I passed someone's desk just as they were opening a can of Diet Coke, and I had a sudden stab of being really, really sad...which then made me feel stupid.  But I love Diet Coke.  I love everything carbonated.  There is a small part of me that is still bewildered by the fact that I cannot be like normal people and enjoy a simple diet soda, that I have to carve myself up and Frankenstein my insides just to absorb food correctly.  There is a small part of me that never quite got over the fact that life is completely unfair.

Monday I have to give up alcohol for six months, because Monday will be two weeks until surgery.  That seems odd, that it's so soon.  Fall is flying by, it seems.  Fortunately, I have a birthday party tonight, a bachelor party tomorrow, and then a wedding Sunday, providing plenty of opportunities to enjoy a drink or two or ten before I have to refrain for a while.  Here's my problem - my usual drink at bars?  Whiskey and Diet.  So long, whiskey and Diet.  I need a new drink, one that can be My Drink, and one that I can have in six months as something to look forward to after surgery.

Here's what I cannot have:
-carbonated beverages
-caffeine
-fruit juice

doesn;t leave much, does it?

I quit caffeine yesterday...by mistake.

Loyal readers will remember I was planning to kick caffeine November 1st.  I was drinking Diet Coke like...like...like a Diet-Coke drinking MACHINE (sorry, brain fails without caffeine)  because I love it so much and giving it up is so very sad. 

Yesterday I was at my little step-cousin's 8th birthday party and enjoyed only pizza, cake, a caffeine-free ginger ale.  Between the lack of caffeine and 23 screaming girls dressed like princesses, I got a helluva migraine, one which I'm still enjoying now. 

However, it's a smaller migraine than I was expecting (evidenced by the fact that I am sitting here at work and NOT throwing up or crying or beating people who speak loudly into a pulp) so I've decided to ride it out and let this be the official quit for carbonated beverages (forever) and caffeine (for a while, and honestly, I should make it forever, but no promises). 

I miss Diet Coke.  Also, I had some caffeine-free Earl Grey tea this morning, and it was just a pathetic excuse for morning tea.  Really very shabby effort.  I need to find a better caffeine-free black tea.

In my caffeine free adventures...

I just fell asleep at my desk while filling out the health insurance invoice for this month.  There is now a big ink spot in the middle of the page where the pen was against it.

Thankfully I snapped back just as a manager was rounding the corner to my office.

Caffeine?  I miss you.

So I bought three raincoats at today's sample sale at my office.  One for my mom, one for my sister, and one for me. 

The one for me is too small.  On purpose. 

This feels like a giant waste of money, and yet I know that if I bought a really nice coat right now, it would be too big shortly after surgery and I'd be kicking myself.  Yet how bizarre to be buying something now by eyeballing it and thinking...eh, I'll grow into it.  Except, you know, in reverse.

This is gonna be weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird, kids.  But at least I'll be protected from the elements along the way.

My body's been getting a little overstressed from all the poking and prodding it's been through over the last few weeks.  Little fevers here, little panic attack there.  Nothing that, in and of itself, is all that big a deal, especially for someone like me who finds it difficult to admit that I might just be anything other then completely invincible, no mere mortal who cannot handle things like a little pain or fever. 

Yesterday I was rewarded for this by having my body completely fall  apart.  I got a migraine.  Not just any migraine - the worst migraine I have ever had in my life.   I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say it qualifies as one of the top five worst days of my life.  Today I was so loopy and  drained that I fainted on the subway on the way into work, a fun experience I haven;t had for at least six years and hadn;t missed at all, not even a little bit.  I got myself off the train at 49th street thinking to sit for a while and get back on the train, but turns out there are no benches at the 49th street stop.  The more you know.  I got back on the train and stood directly under the air conditioning to try not to faint again during the last leg to 42nd street.

While I'm sure this is all excellent practice for all the feeling like ass I'll be doing over the coming months, I need a little break.  I'm not having any more screenings, tests, or doctor appointments until November.  I'm starting to feel like a very sick person, and I am not a very sick person, but my body is beginning to do an excellent and convincing impression of a very sick person, and I am not enjoying it.  There will be plenty of time for fevers and sicking and days off and more poking and prodding once this show is a little further on the road, but for now?  I'm done.

Think healing thoughts.

I am beginning to get a handle on things, just slightly.  Here are fun facts I learned this week:

1.  Milk is extremely high in sugar - even skim milk.  I had no idea, and am pleased I figured this out before surgery and not after by drinking it unknowingly and making myself violently sick. 

2.  Calcium and iron supplements can never be taken together - they cancel each other out and the body doesn't absorb either of them. 

3. Calcium SHOULD be taken with magnesium, because it assists absorption. 

4.  I started drinking bariatric protein drinks to find some flavors I can tolerate immediately after surgery, because it's the only way I'm going to get the proper amount of protein in for a few weeks after.  I tried a vanilla last night that tasted like...absolutely nothing at all.  It was the sheer absence of flavor.  I figure I may as well buy a bottle of it because, hell, that might be a good thing when I'm feeling like death.

5.  I think I figured out a vitamin regimen for, you know, the rest of my life: 
With breakfast:  mutivitamin, calcium
With lunch:  Iron, calcium
With dinner: multivitamin, calcium
Once a week:  B Complex supplement

If I stick to that, and actually manage not to forget every day, I can avoid all the side effects of vitamin deficiency that post-surgery patients get, like hair loss (oh god), lack of night-vision, and various health issues.  I ordered all my fancy new vitamins today and put them on auto-ship monthly so I can start practicing.

Something else I need to start practicing:  new workout routine.  It might be time to enlist the personal trainer.  I'm trying to psyche myself up to go to the gym and interview the two that are there.  Admittedly, my gym hasn;t seen me in a while, since I was trying NOT to lose weight while waiting for insurance approval, but now that I've got it, I've gotta try and lose as much as possible. 

6.  I've been eating really well for a week, and lost...1.5 pounds.  That may sound like a good thing, but it pissed me right the fuck off.  I've been starving every minute of the day for a week!  I've been eating to live only, and all I manage to lose is 1.5 pounds?  I'd be totally discouraged if I didn't have this surgery coming up.  That'll show my digestive system what's what.  Humph.

7.  My stomach is J-shaped.  I'll do a separate post about my endoscopy, because it's a funny story (at least, I think so), but that was the end result - my stomach is shaped like a J.  I don;t know why this information completely tickles me, but it does.  My stomach is unique and fancy!  It is quirky and whimsical!  It likes to spell things!  At least, until, you know, I have most of it cut off next month.  :)

I planned my surgery for November so that it would coincide with the holiday and I'd be less conspicuously absent from work.  Most people get it done a week after their approval comes through, which would have been last month for me.  I have no idea how people figure all this stuff out in that short period of time - they must be scrambling to find vitamins they can take and all those major life changes all at once?  Man.  I feel like relearning how to eat, becoming an expert on human nutrition and vitamins and minerals, changing exercise regimens, kicking all sugar, fat, and caffeine from my diet,  and negotiating the complex world of hospitals and medicine is HARD and I'm glad I get a little time to do it in stages instead of changing my entire life all in one day.  Hopefully I'll be really ready to go once Nov. 20 gets here.

I've been living on Luna Bars for almost two days now, because I have been very busy at work and also have not been feeling well, and both of these are conditions under which I usually eat crap, but I am never eating crap again and trying to Act Right, but apparently I am bad at that too since I keep giving up and having a Luna Bar, because I can count what's in it and can even save the wrapper and total it up and say SEE, 20 grams of protein, THERE in a satisfying way.


A coworker, the only person I'm a friend-friend with at work, told me maybe 2+ months of Acting Right is too much, and I should eat what I want until October, since it's so soon anyway?  And I found that I did not want to, even though my first instinct was, HELL YES.  But instead of eating the carrot cake someone baked specially for the baby shower we had and the M&Ms that someone else brought in just for funsies, I ate some strawberries and had a Diet Coke (I have not kicked caffeine or soda yet - one thing at a time) and, later, a Luna Bar (Nutz Over Chocolate - gross!  Peanut butter and chocolate!  A girl should be warned - I expected chocolate and walnuts or almonds, not chocolate and peanut butter.  Hells Bells.) 

I have no idea how to eat - I walked into the store where I always used to buy lunch, and I am frozen by the possibilities, and terrified of making a mistake.  What is ok for other people makes me fat - everything makes me fat - and I need to FIGURE IT OUT so I do not fuck this surgery up and ruin my life.  Finally I decided on a little piece of salmon - PROTEIN, VITAMINS, ALWAYS CHOOSE THEM FIRST - and some veggies wrapped in cheese - COLORFUL VEGGIES GOOD, PLUS CHEESE=MORE PROTEIN.  But then, fuck, it came to $9, and I cannot do that every day.  or, I guess I can now, but I don;t WANT to, because $9 lunches seem extremely decadent and that's money I could be using to travel or donate to the bike rides all my thin, healthy friends who don;t know what the fuck is wrong with me are doing to save the lives of people who have more serious health conditions than I do, at least for now.   Or buy shoes.  Or anything better than veggie sticks wrapped in cheese.

Also, I found out my colonoscopy?  Actually an endoscopy, though nobody thought to tell me.  Which means no 24 prep but also WEIRD that they are looking down my throat now. 

Amazon.com has subscriptions to Luna Bars, because apparently I am not the only one who has decided that life is easier and more mathematically sound if you just start eating all food in prepared bar form. 

MY SURGERY WAS APPROVED!

Oh, that's such a relief.  One more hurdle - done.

Next week I'm on vacation - cruise with the girls from Miami!  I wish this was a year after surgery so I could feel less wretched about the idea of wearing a swimsuit, but I did find one I don;t completely hate and so I'll just make the best of things. 

And then when I get back, it's practically the end of September, which means it's basically October, when I have the rest of my final pre-op meetings with the surgeon, get the colonoscopy, and visit the PCP, which means I'm nearly done with October, and I'll be busy with work stuff all October anyway, which means it's practically November, during which I'll be prepping for the holidays, which means...November 20th is practically here already!  Right?  I mean, right?

Totally.

I've gained more weight.  Seriously, November cannot come fast enough.

I am having dinner with a good friend of mine who I have not seen in a few years, and trying to figure out how not to feel like an asshole for having gained weight.  Also, do I tell him about the surgery?  Ugh.

Called the dude who will be doing my colonoscopy.  My dad owns the center where he works and so I got the recommend from him, but dad gave me his personal cell phone number instead of the main number for the center, which I didn't realize, leading me to call the dude at home and feel completely bizarre while we had a half hour conversation about everything under the sun.  It was like calling an old friend who I hadn't seen in a while and ending with, oh, by the by, would you mind knocking me out and checking the health of my colon?  Kthx!  Anyway, that's happening in October.  I am a medical noob and didn;t realize that a colonoscopy is, like, serious business involving anesthesia and stuff, so what I had thought would be a long lunch break just turned into me taking more time off work.  Time I don't have.  Damn.

I discovered a new psychiatrist across the street and decided to give it a go to see if we'd be compatible, since I love the idea of just hopping over during lunch for a session after surgery.  The guy turned out to be Russian with limited English skills, which didn;t bode well, and things just went downhill when he realized why I was there and not for something he clearly would have found more interesting, like hearing voices  ( i know he was hoping because he asked me several times and seemed crestfallen when I said nope, sorry, never happened.)  He got kind of exasperated and said, well, what problems do you anticipate from this surgery?  And I said, well, I don;t know exactly, I just would like to have the support here if I need it.  Weight being an emotional issue and this being a major change and all.  He said, and I quote,

"Well, you will be thin, right?  And people want to be thin.  So you'll be happy!  You work in fashion, right?  And people in fashion want to be thin.  You'll be happy because you blend in more, and people want to be more mainstream.  That's a good thing. "

OH, I FORGOT, BRILLIANT SIR.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING!!!  THIN=GOOD, END OF STORY.  NEVER MIND, I'LL JUST BE ON  MY WAY.

Yeah, so.  Not so much with that guy. 

Then, the next day, I was suddenly seized by the fear that by going to a shrink at all, something which will pop up on my insurance, I may be compromising my approval for the surgery, which is still pending, since they might think I have issues, and such.  This may be untrue but I'm now holding off on any more intro meetings until I get the ok back from Oxford, just in case. 

I have a surgery date!  November 20th.

Had the psychological evaluation this morning, which went just fine.  We actually got along great and really liked each other.  Though I utterly failed in my mission (which was to NOT burst into tears somewhere randomly during the meeting), things went fine otherwise.  Amazing how many emotions are wrapped up into weight and food and appearance, even for someone like me who considers herself merely a 2 or 3 on the cringing insecurity scale.  We hit on all the Greatest Hits from past therapy (divorce!  college!  abusive relationships!  Me as world's caretaker!) but since I really am truly fine right now and have a good plan for post surgery which includes more therapy, a personal trainer, and traveling the world, she had lots of confidence in me that things will be good and I got her enthusiastic ok. 

I was then able to set the date I wanted (right before Thanksgiving, so I can recover during days the office is closed and be as inconspicuous as possible) ensuring that this year, my Thanksgiving dinner will be Crystal Light and broth.  MMMMMMMMMMMM.  It's also a nice benchmark, since I'll be able to remember that holiday as the anniversary of a life-changing event which will hopefully have excellent results. 

Dad has promised to be with me while I'm in the hospital, and I suspect Mom will be looking forward to ordering me around and telling me how I'm recovering wrong once I get home.

I still need to get a colonoscopy (whee!  Looking forward to THAT!) and have one more follow up with the surgeon, but then I'm done.  I just get to wait for November and to start prepping my body in october (going off caffeine, etc.  I will try my best not to turn into a murderous Diet-Coke-free asshole, but no promises.)