I have a feeling compression wear, shapers, okay…long line girdles! are going to be my new best friend.  I went shopping for smaller clothes today (yay!) and got a glimpse of my naked legs in the mirror (boo!).  I don’t have full length mirror at home so I’ve been spared this very scary sight.  I’ll admit it, I broke down in tears when I saw the flabby skinned, dimpled and varicose veined appendages that are my legs.  I cried quietly wondering how I had let myself get to the point where I looked like I did.  Yes, I’ve been successful with the surgery and have lost 53 lbs.  Yes, I know that at 53 the chances of my skin being elastic and bouncing back are slim to none but it still did not prepare me for how gruesome my legs looked.

I dried my eyes, went out and purchased the tops I had picked out.  I DID NOT buy the bag of Godiva chocolate that was near the register. I DID NOT go to CVS and buy chocolate.  I DID NOT go to Wendy’s and buy french fries.  And that is what is so wonderful about this journey, about my new tool, about my conviction to make this work.  I let the feelings I had come to the surface and dealt with them. So, for the time being, for however long it takes, I will not look at my legs until I can do so without feeling bad.  It may not be the best thing, it may not be what you think I should do but it is what I need to do to get over this hump, hill, mountain.  And I will not use food to cope.

Well, I’m five days out of surgery and happy to report everything went great.  Only a little scar tissue from previous surgeries and the worst pain was from the gas.  Once I was able, I was up and walking, walking, walking to help get rid of it.  I did so well I was able to leave the next afternoon. The nurse said I was very compliant with the dr.’s orders.  Well, why wouldn’t I be?  I’m the only one who is hurt if I’m not.  She then told me of a patient who was only one day out of surgery and was asking when she could have pizza.  Pizza!?  Are you kidding me?  Here the dr. gave her a new start to life and she’s concerned about pizza?  Wow.

So I’ve been walking and drinking my liquids but am looking forward to yogurt, cottage cheese, and applesauce next week.  It will be a nice change from protein drinks, water, and tea.  I’m home for two more weeks and am really hoping I don’t go crazy during that time.  I need to find things to keep me busy because you know what they say about idle hands…

Have not weighed myself even though it’s killing me.  I promised myself I would only get on the scale once a week and I’m sticking to that.  I can already notice a difference in how my clothes fit and I was actually able to get my engagement ring on! Ah, the small victories.

On Thursday a phone call came from the bariatric doc’s office. The young lady on the other end was very nice as she told me that I had only lost 7 lbs.

I know.

“And you have an appointment with the dr. in two weeks.”

I know.

“If you don’t drop at least 8 more lbs, your surgery will have to be pushed back.”

I kn….wait, what??!! I thought I had until the surgery date to drop the weight?!

She then politely explained that no, that’s not the case. It has to be by the next visit so the doc knows 1. I’m committed to this and 2. he’ll have a better idea as to how complicated or easy it’s going to be once he starts the surgery.

Oh boy. My immediate reaction was to get defensive. I got upset, my answers became curt, and I couldn’t wait to get off the phone. After I hung up I thought about my reaction. It wasn’t the receptionist’s fault that she had to make that call. It wasn’t her fault I hadn’t lost the suggested weight and yet I took things out on her. I definitely owe her a phone call to apologize.

I used to react like this all the time when I got called on the carpet for something I had done (now I see where my kid gets it from). I don’t do this anymore, I’ve changed, or at least I thought I had until that phone call. I have gotten much, much better at taking responsibility for something when it is my fault. Except for this time and I think it’s because I was am ashamed.

Ashamed that I had four months to lose 20 lbs and it hasn’t happened. Ashamed that once again I was going to change the way I ate and it hasn’t happened. I should know by now that I am a food addict and I can’t pretend that when there is ice cream in the house I’ll only have 1/2 c. one night a week. I can’t go into any store where candy is sold when I’m feeling vulnerable (nee, angry, sad, bored) because I will buy said candy and eat it in the car so no one knows. Not even me, because I block that shit right out of my mind. Unless I journal every morsel that goes into my mouth, it magically leaves my memory. Until, that is, I get on the scale and it doesn’t go down, try on those clothes and they’re a little tight, or get that phone call from the surgeon’s office that jerks me back to reality.

That phone call really made it clear to me and I had a “come to Jesus” talk with myself and the voice sounded amazingly like Gunny. “How bad do you want this surgery!?” Very badly. “How committed are you to making the changes you need to make for this to be successful!?” I’m committed. “How commited?!”  Really, really committed. “Okay soldier, then kick that attitude to the curb, follow the doc’s eating plan, and do the hard work!” Yes sir!

So yesterday after I worked out at the gym for over an hour, I went to Wal-Mart (or the Wal-Mart as my hubby likes to say) to buy protein powder for my morning meals and Lean Cuisines for lunch and dinner. If I’m hungry in between it will be veggies for snacks. And water. Lots and lots of water.

I’ve come too far for this. I am not going to fail.

The Gym is My Friend

I awoke this morning at 3:30 and as much as I tried, sleep wasn’t coming back.  So, I got up and hopped online.  Before I knew it time had passed and it was 5:00.  I toyed with the idea of not going to the gym since I’m getting over a cold.  I sniffed.  No, the nose was pretty clear.  I swallowed.  Throat doesn’t hurt anymore.

Damn.

Looks like I’m going to the gym.

It’s not that I hate going to the gym.  I like it.  Okay, I don’t mind it.  I just wish I was one of those people who liked to exercise in the afternoon.  But I’m not. I know what if I don’t get it done in the morning, it just ain’t gonna happen.  So I put on my new workout pants, which, by the way, are now fitting not so snug.  Got into the car and headed to the Y.

It always amazes me how many cars there are in the parking lot.  I wonder if these folks had a hard time getting themselves up and moving.  There they were on the treadmills, the elliptical, the stairmaster, in the pool, and working out with weights.  All concentrating on getting healthy.

Sigh.

I guess I’ll join the ranks.

I’ve been going to the gym for over a week now and already notice the knees don’t complain as much when I ask them to bend.  I’ve also been walking and I know this has helped too.  The doc wants me to lose 15-20 lbs before the surgery.  This will make it easier for him to navigate once he gets in there.  In true fashion, I’ve been dilly-dallying and not really sticking to my eating plan.  So, with four weeks to go until my pre-op appt, I have only lost four pounds.  I could blame it on a lot of issues but it comes down to the fact that I have not been doing what I should.  I am getting my ass in gear and getting ready for this new journey.

Next week I meet with the nutritionist and the psychologist.  The following week is my sleep study.  If all of those are cleared I am officially ready for surgery!  Just have to get approval from the insurance company and I’m hoping there are no problems there.  If nothing else, I have had a comprehensive physical and have found out that except for being overweight, I’m healthy!  Good and bad cholesterol numbers are good, bp is 120/64, blood glucose level is in the 90′s, heart is in great shape.  I figure once I get this weight off I could be Wonder Woman.  Okay, that may be stretching it a bit but hey, you never know.

My surgery is seven weeks away and I can feel my excitement level rising.  I have joined a couple of Facebook support groups as well as this one.  I have been reading lots of posts and getting plenty of tips from folks who have just had surgery, are months out, and are years out.  I figure that if I go into this with tools to help deal with certain issues, it can only be good.

Tears come to me when I read about folks who talk about what they have been able to do that they couldn’t do before and it got me thinking about all the things “normal size” people do that are taken for granted.  I started ticking off in my head a list of what I can’t wait to do and decided I’d put it to paper electronic paper so that if I’m having a tough time I can go back to this list and see exactly why I’m having/had the surgery.

Walk up and down the stairs without having a death grip on the railing

Sit in a theater seat comfortably and be able to actually use the arm rest as an arm rest

Ride a bike

Do house/yard work and not be exhausted

Get down on the floor to exercise, or sit, and be able to get back up without looking like a fish flopping around out of water

Garden, garden, garden!!

Go to an amusement park and ride a roller-coaster with my son

Put my underwear on standing up without falling over.  Seriously.

Climb hills

Climb mountains.  Okay, that may be a stretch.  I have never had the desire to climb a mountain, but it’s nice to know I could do it.

Run Jog a 5k

Cross country ski, snowshoe

Sew my own clothes if I want to

Sit on my husband’s lap.  Without cutting off his circulation.

Play tennis.  This is a fun thing, in no way, shape, or form do I take the game seriously.  I have never been that good.

Dance, Dance, Dance (Yowza, Yowza, Yowza)!  You folks who survived disco in the 70′s get the reference.  For the rest of you poor souls, check out Chic.

Swim in public – this one may take awhile

Go for a hike.  Maybe camp.  Those of you who know me understand that my idea of camping is a Holiday Inn.  Don’t know if weight loss will change this outlook.  I know Tim would be happy if it did.

Be able to stand on my feet for a length of time without being uncomfortable

Buy cute shoes. I said cute, not high heels.  Those days are gone.

Paint my toenails

Go for a massage without being self-conscious

Cross my legs

Have more of a selection for clothing purchases

To be able to walk into a room without scanning it to see if I’m the biggest person there

Be able to outrun the zombies if there is an apocalypse

Live life to the fullest extent.  I can’t wait.

So, I'm going to see my surgeon on July 17 for my pre-op stuff.  He told me two months ago that by the time my surgery rolls around I should lose between 15-20 pounds.  He has a very good reason for this, my liver will be smaller and it will make the surgery easier.  I understand this...why can't I stick to the eating plan he gave me to follow??  It's not that freaking hard.  I am still at the same weight I was when I first saw him - 312.5 pounds.  I eat when stressed and life has been anything but easy these past few months (issues with our son who is autistic).  I KNOW I shouldn't eat that candy bar, I can hear the voice in my head telling me to put it back, but I still do it.  Jeez!  Has anyone else had this issue?

I have been going to the gym to work out with weights and I have started walking again.  I know what I need to do, I just don't follow through.  Ugh!