Cauline

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Five months ago, I was down 85, almost 90lbs and got one more fill.  It felt tight, but I thought that I could deal with it, continue losing and all would be well.  Then my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.  I began having difficulty swallowing water and got stuck on everything.  I threw up daily and found that the only foods I could eat were the wrong ones.  Stress = problems.  I went for a slight unfill, and my doctor took out my entire fill and .5 more.  Since April, I have been able to eat everything, anything, and found that I wanted to.  My life has been on hold.  My mother expected/needed me to be her primary caregiver and truthfully, I couldn't have done anything else.  I was scheduled for a fill on June 23, but had to take a trip to help my Mom get my niece to orchestra camp.  I felt resentful but duty-bound.  The soonest I could reschedule was August 23 because my surgeon only has clinic once a month.  I was very disappointed but thought that maybe that was okay since what I ate was the ONLY thing in my life that seemed to be my choice. 

Mom died yesterday.  I gained 20 lbs in 5 months.  I ate for comfort and as a substitute for sleep when she was sick and dying, but now that she's gone, it is meaningless.  No comfort at all.  Go figure.

I came back to the OH site but none of the people I used to look to for inspiration seem to be here.  I'm hoping they moved and I can find them.

I've been gaining and losing the same 5 pounds since early September - a 5-month plateau!  However, I've lost about 85 pounds in the past year.  I guess I can't really expect much more, but it's time to break the plateau. 

I think that the holidays are the culprit here... rich foods, carb-type foods.  Oh sure, I'm also responsible since it's my hand that's lifting the food to my mouth, but more importantly, why?  I know how this works and obviously I know how to lose weight.  Why am I unable to control my appetite? 

I read an interesting article on gluten intolerance in "First" magazine.  The author claimed that people who are gluten intolerant can eat a restricted diet and still not lose weight.  They can experience fogginess, lethargy, abdominal discomfort, arthritis pain, constipation - all of the things that I've been experiencing.  Gluten actually makes you hungry an hour after you've eaten!  I know this.  I can eat 2 pieces of pizza (yes, I need a fill) and be looking for a bowl of cereal an hour later.  In my research, I read that gluten actually slows down the food in your intestines, leading to weight gain.

Interestingly, it was around September that I started allowing myself to eat bread, pizza, pasta, albiet small amounts.  I stopped the madness yesterday and already, I feel better.  Heck, I can see better.  I'm not eating anything that contains gluten:  bread, crackers, cookies, pasta, processed meats (luncheon meats), tortillas, oats, barley, and anything I think might contain gluten.  This will also restrict overall carb intake since I don't use sugar either.

Supposidly, it can take 72 hours to feel the effects of being gluten-free, so this is a test.  I'll let you know how it comes out.

I’ve lost 33 lbs since my surgery.  This morning, the scales were down a couple of pounds from yesterday which hopefully means that my plateau has broken.  I hadn’t lost any weight in the past two weeks or so.  What’s different?  Who knows?  I didn’t eat after dinner last night, and I made dinner intentionally small.  I have been pumping in water, but I’ve been doing that all along.  It may be that my body is just ready to start losing weight again.  During the plateau, I noticed that I was getting smaller.  I have dropped a pants size and two shirt sizes.  I’m hopeful that I won’t end up looking disproportionate with a small top and a large bottom.

I’ve had days where I was hinging on frantic, wondering what I was going to eat and whether or not it would affect my weight loss.  I have been religiously logging my intake on the Daily Plate.  I consume between 900 and 1400 calories per day.  Yesterday was 1375.  I don’t know how much I ate on the 4^th of July, and am not going to try and figure it out.  I’m sure I came in under 2000 calories, which is what the Daily Plate says I should be eating to lose weight.  Various LAP band diets say that I should be eating 1/3 to ½ cup of food per meal and not eat between meals.  I’m sure that I don’t get that… I would only be taking in 500-600 calories a day.  I don’t want to mess up my metabolism either.  I think part of it is good common sense.  My doc’s book says that at 6 weeks, a cup is not excessive and some people on the OH site says a cup to a cup and a half.  That’s right where I am.  I guess the scales will tell, but it’s hard to tell when you’re at a plateau!

I’m reading the Obesity Help boards every day too, to stay in contact and to help myself to understand that I am not alone in this journey, that we are all different, and hopefully benefitting from the experience of others who have been where I am.  I try to help others if I have information that pertains to a question.  It feels good to be able to help.

It feels awesome to put on clothes that I haven’t fit into in years!  It is a little bit disconcerting to have some of them be too big, and wonder where I’m going from here.  I used to feel small in those clothes, and when I weighed 345, I wished that I could fit into them.  Now I know that it’s all relative.  I have over a hundred pounds yet to loose, but I’m liking the way I look in mirrors better and better.  I am reminded of the me that was 25 years old.  I know that it is about health more than appearance, and to that end, my blood pressure medicine has been cut to ¼ of what I was taking, and I am off diabetes medicine.  I will say too that this is also about mental health, and liking what I see in the mirror goes a long way toward excellent mental health.  Oh, and I was a daily Prilosec user for 2+ years.  Before that, Pepcid, Zantac, TUMS, Rolaids, you name it.  I haven’t used anything in almost 5 weeks.  GERD gone!

What do I eat now?  Fish, tilapia especially.  Shrimp is hard to chew well enough.  Cottage cheese, yogurt, eggs, ricotta, cheese, chicken, occasionally canned soup made with legumes.  The dairy is all 2% or less – I can deal with fat free ricotta, but not the cheese, yogurt, or cottage cheese.  I often discard the egg yoke.  I like corned beef hash, but keep my portion small as it’s high in calories.  Sometimes I eat instant mashed potatoes, but again, watch portion size; I made shepherd’s pie the other day that was very good, filling and under 300 calories.  I am subsisting on less and feeling better.  This was the right decision!  My first fill is scheduled for July 30.

June 9, 2009

Yesterday is memorable for GAS!  I found that I got rid of sections at a time: left abdomen, right abdomen, center abdomen, chest, then back.  I'm still dealing with chest/back.  It feels a little like pneumonia except that I can deep breathe.  The discomfort comes from a sharp intake of breath.  Everyone is right... heat helps alleviate some of the discomfort, GAS-X strips help too.  I bought extra strength.  1 does nothing but 2 helped a lot.  The instructions say to use 2 - 4 at a time.  Walking helped, but mostly hurt.  I probably walked too much.  Um... I had bad diahrreah yesterday too.  It might be a virus going around the family... not sure.  On the bright side, I lost the fluid I was retaining and went from 297 to 292 in a day.  I feel much better today.

I'm pumping in fluids, mostly water, but I like orange G2 and V8.  I created a protein-fortified shake on My Plate.  I used to use the whole thing for a meal; now it's like half.  I've been putting plain protein (Whey Factors) in chicken broth and today tried it in strained cream of mushroom soup.  Now that was good!  It was like ground chicken in cream of mushroom soup, and thickened.  I made some juice in my Jack LaLane power juicer this morning - carrots, apple, tomato, celery, blackberries, and blueberries.  It had a nice, sort of sweet flavor, so I added a couple of ice cubes and a scoop of Body Fortress Vanilla protein powder.  I felt like I was nourishing my body.

Pain is not serious, but I'm grateful for the pain meds for sleeping!

I don't want to see Food Network or decadent food commercials.  I feel like I am holding the monster at bay right now, and don't want to let it out.  I resent the "commercial" post for calcium carbonate chews that are like chocolate.  it's not that I have a craving for chocolate, it's that my doc said that WLS peeps like me need calcium citrate!  Plus, imagine not chewing it well enough?  And wouldn't the fact that it is simulated taboo food make a person crave the bad food?  I'm just ranting here.

I picked up the baby.  I know, don't yell.  I just can't see what difference there is in sitting up in bed, turning over, etc., and picking up this little 17 pound kid with my strong arms, when I'm seated.

BTW, I had residual gray lines on my abdomen from where stuff was taped during surgery.  THAT's why I wake up scratching in the night!  I got it off with baby oil, and hopefully, that's over.  I guess I have a little bit of allergy there.  My incisions are dry and painless, however, the area under my big incision, in my gall-bladder scar, is kind of yellow-orange.  I know this is where my port is because it sticks up when I'm flat on my back.  Maybe it's a bruise, from underneath.

This afternoon, after a trip to get my hair cut and to Wal-mart, I was mixing up and straining my lunch and my stomach was growling hard.  I was irritable.  I did not want to talk on the phone.  I did not want to do anything but sit down and eat my 4oz of fortified soup.  After 3 bites, the growling had stopped.  OMG, hunger?

I've a month to wait, but this has been a waiting experience all along.  I have learned to be very patient, and to continue to live my life using my new skills, making them become habits.  This change is not meant to happen quickly because it will lack permanence.  I am evolving back to something like the shape I once was - like 25 years ago (wow), but the learning/growing/soul part of me is very different.  I have dealt with so many life experiences that have both caused terrible pain and exquisite satisfaction in that time.  I have grown.  When I reach my weight goal, and I WILL reach my weight goal, I hope that I will also continue to grow emotionally and spiritually, and will be able to be the most I possibly can.

I'm a little bit anxious.  I'm sure that the outright fear will come, but I'm nowhere near that.  It's all part of the process, slow, eventual, definite, inevitable.

May 2007: Sad and depressed about weight gain.  I had lost 70 lbs in 2005/2006.  It was all back.  My doc asked me if I wanted a gastric bypass.  It scared me and I said I wanted to try it on my own, after all, I'd done it before right?

May 2008: I was still thinking about WLS.  No serious weighloss was happening.  My sister said she was going to have the RNYGB.  I went to a support group meeting, and wrote the first check.  I'd planned to have surgery around January, because I had to do my six months of doc visits.

Feb 2009: Surgeon's required evaluation.  I failed the psych eval - she thought I needed to have treatment about emotional eating issues.  I was mad!  I wanted to get the show on the road, felt like I was misunderstood.  I'd lost about 20 lbs without trying.

Feb 2009 - April 2009: Shrink visits, weekly at first, then bi-weekly.  We never talked about emotional eating or causes of overeating.  He suggested logging what I was eating.  I used The Daily Plate which works really well for me.  I even bought the upgrade.  I'm down another 30 lbs.  My shrink sent the letter to the surgeon's staff, and I was cleared for surgery.

April 2009: Consult with surgeon.  I had to explain why I wanted the LAP band over RNYGB.  Mostly, I don't like the idea of my intestines being cut.  The dumping/leaking part concerns me too.  I've gotten my BMI under 45 and diabetes is all but gone.  He agreed with me.

April 14, 2009: Insurance approved.  My heart jumped when I got that call.  I was eager to schedule, but the surgeon's people are not fast movers.

May 1, 2009: Surgeon's office called.  I am scheduled for June 5, 2009, Pre-OP on June 2 at 9am.

June 2, 2009: Pre-op.  They checked my vitals, did a chest X-ray, EKG, took some blood and urine, and I talked to the nurse who told me what to expect, and when to show up.  I talked to the anestesiologist who told me not to take my BP meds that morning and had me tip my head back and open my mouth, and I talked to a rep from my surgeon's office.  She told me my follow-up would be in 3 weeks and my first fill at 6 weeks.  The surgeon is there, but his fellows in training will do it.  All in all, I was there about 2 hours and it was painless. 

June 4, 2009:  Surgery is tomorrow at 8am.  I have supplies - liquid tylenol, gasX strips, juices, low sugar gatorade, bullion cubes.  I am not nervous or anxious.  I would just like to get this done.  One thing I did notice was that on Sunday (today is Thursday), I nested.  I had so much energy and just went from room to room and then worked outside.  I wonder if it's like getting ready for a birth?

June 6, 2009:  My band was placed yesterday.  I arrived at the hospital at 5:15, and got changed, vitals checked, then taken to surgery holding, a big room with lots of activity.  My surgical nurse introduced herself - Crystal.  I laid there for about an hour just absorbing it all, then I had to pee.  Margaret helped me put on a backwards gown and pointed me to the surgical waiting room where the facilities were located.  In my way back, I took a wrong turn.  The nurse said, "May I help you?  Our patients usually don't walk INTO surgery."  Oops.  When I returned to my slot, three other people were getting backwards gowns on to make the trip to the restroom.  Shortly after that, I met the anesthesologist who told me where he was going to put IV ports during the procedure, and started an IV. It was cold in there, and he gave me a heated blanket under all the other ones.  It was very cold in there.  My surgeon's fellow, Dr. Klonsky (http://zbmi.com/cli-fp.htm ) came to talk to me - he's a sweetheart.  After that, they took me to surgery.  I slid over to the table, they put something comfy under my head, and oxygen on my face.  Someone said, "you're going to go to sleep now."  I woke up feeling tightness in my abdomen and very sleepy.  I told my nurse he had a nice face to wake up to.  He said it was the anesthesia talking.  Nope, he was cute and I'm 49.  I speak my mind.  :)

I came home from the hospital about 8 hours after surgery.  They said I could stay the night, it was my call, but I wanted to come home.  I had a lot of scar tissue in my abdomen from gall bladder surgery ten years ago.  It had dragged my liver over to my left side.  The surgeon spent the first hour and a half dissecting my liver from my abodominal wall and muscles.  After that, he said it couldn't have gone better.  My largest incision is 2" long and they used my gall bladder scar.  It is my port site, on my right.  On my left, there is a 1/4" incision and there is also a very small incision in my navel.  The doctor said that I needed that one because of the extra work cleaning up the scar tissue. 

I have some gas - my abdomen is a little bit hard, but it's not unbearable.  I used gas X strips.  Not sure if they are doing anything either. :)  I found that if I was careful, I could lie on either side last night, but I spent most of it on my back propped with 2 pillows.  Anesthesia gives you killer cotton mouth!  They let me have ice chips shortly after I woke up.  I'm sipping Juicy Juice right now, and water.  Last night I had some chicken broth which felt really good on my throat.

I woke up every four hours and took pain meds in the night.  I felt itchy!  When I got in the shower this morning, I felt the slippery residue of whatever they used to clean me up.  Itchies are all gone, big gauze bandages are off and I took half-dose of pain medicine.  They were insistant that I get no points or kudos for not taking the medicine, but it puts me to sleep so I'll reserve the full dose for nap time.  :P 

It's funny, I feel very different.  The same, but not the same.  Oh and just for grins, I got on the scales last night.  I was up 4 pounds from the morning and felt no remorse whatsoever.  I feel so lucky to exist at this time, where this procedure is available to people like me.  I will make every effort to take full advantage of this opportunity, and be one of the success stories.