Cheriehott
7/21/06 I am a 27 year old mother of two and wife to a soldier in the US Army. I have been overweight since I was 19, not too overweight, just a few pounds, until I got pregnant when I was 22. I gained about 65 pounds during the pregnancy, then lost about 30, then went on the Depo shot (birth control) about 7 weeks after I had my son, and gained 50 pounds. Then I went on a series of meds that contributed to more weight gain. Then my husband and I separated, and I stopped eating for 3 months. I lost 60 pounds. Then, my husband and I reconciled, and got pregnant right away. I only gained about 35 pounds, but lost only 15 after my daughter was born. I was then put on Zoloft for post partum depression, and gained another 30-50 pounds. Then I went through some more depression from moving and stress about money and my husband being away at boot camp and AIT, and gained weight to the point that I am at right now, about 250-265 pounds. I have been thinking about the surgery for a few years, but just now have been getting serious about it. I have been doing some research on here and on other sites on the web, and am convinced that it is for me. I will be going to my PCP to get a referral. I have been hearing great things about Dr. Steely here in Clarksville, TN.
7/22/06 At my wits end...I am so tired of being obese and trying and failing all these diets. I am ready for this.
8/14/06 I got the referral!!!! I am so excited! I have my first consult on Aug 30...having the psych eval tomorrow, and bariatric seminar on Monday
8/17/06 Well, I am so stupid...I missed my psych eval. I just completely blanked it. I was cleaning the house and got caught up in the moment. Too many things were happening all at once.
8/25/06 I am having such a fat day today. I went on another diet last week to see if I could lose a few pounds before the surgery, or at least to try and change my eating habits. I find myself doing fine during the day, staying under 1500 calories...and then around 8 PM..it hits me...I go in the kitchen and get the worst foods I can find. I don't understand why I can't just stop over eating. I eat all the way up until my belly is completely full. I am so sick of this. I am trying so hard. I don't know what else to do. Waiting for this first physical is so hard.
8/29/06 I am having the worst day ever. My physical exam is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon...I got a call this morning from the surgeon's office telling me that the referral never came from my PCP. So, I spent the whole day calling the Dr's office trying to get a call back from the nurse who told me that everything was a go. She never called me back. I finally got a hold of another advice nurse there who told me that the referral was enterred incorrectly, and as it is now, I have to start the whole process over again. Apparently, there are a whole bunch of things that I was suppose to be getting done, just for the insurance side, and no one ever told me about them. I am so upset. I spent the whole time crying on the phone. I am just so upset by all this. I can't believe that I have to start all over again. All the while I am getting fatter and fatter and my blood pressure continues to go up. I hate that there are so many hoops, and I really hate that some stupid panel of people that don't know me and have never met me and don't know my history and don't know my struggles are actually in charge of whether or not I will get this surgery that can actually save my life. I know that so many people on here have had the same problems. I just wish there was a way to fix all this. Someone needs to do something about it. I feel like the insurance companies are just trying to delay the surgery in hopes that all of us fat people will keel over and die so they don't have to shell out the dough. I know that's probably not the way it really is, but that's how I feel today.
Anyway, the nurse that I finally talked to helped me get everything back on track, and I am going back to my PCP tomorrow to start the process over again, and hopefully I will get al the info that I need to get this thing really going. Have a great week, ya'll.
8/31/06 I got a call from the hospital yesterday that my surgery was approved a month ago, but because my stupid phone service my messed up, they kicked it out of the system. Bad news is that I have to start over, good news is that everything is straightened out. However, now I might have to get the surgery on post instead of with the surgeon that I picked out. That's Tricare for ya.
9/6/06 I just spoke with the referrals lady at the hospital here on post...she said that the general surgeon reviewed my request and that I was approved!!!! I'm so excited...I know I shouldn't be too excited because anything can happen, but I can't help it...I just want to get this whole thing over with and join the rest of you on the other side!!! I want to be a loser! Keep your fingers crossed!!!
9/8/06 This sucks...I can't even see the scale anymore...I'm serious. I tried to take my weight tonight, and I had to ask my husband to look for me. This sucks. I can't wait for this surgery.
I am so tired of feeling this way. I hope the next two weeks go by quickly.
9/9/06 Had a pretty good day today. Spent a lot of time with friends at a BBQ. I found myself being very witty...but all about my weight. I realized today that I use my weight and wit as a defense because of my insecurities. I don't know if that's a bad thing, but I have a feeling that I made everyone uncomfortable. I can't help it, my friend is so small and "normal" looking. It seems like no matter what I wear or how much makeup I put on or how long I fix my hair, I can't get past the way that my belly looks. I feel so fat and ugly. Anway...just thought I'd jot my feelings down today. Will write again on Thursday after my most dreaded Psych Eval.
9/10/06 I'm having a rough day today. I feel very anxious and irritable. I realized that I forgot to take my meds two days in a row. That expains a lot.
I've been on here all day looking at profiles and before and after pictures. I'm so jealous of everyone. I don't think I can wait patiently. I know I have to wait, but I don't wanna. So I need to keep myself busy. I'm going to do what everyone else seems to do on here and make a list of all the things that I want to be able to do when I lose all the weight:
I want to play basketball again, without looking like an idiot and being afraid of what everyone else thinks.
I want to work in an office again.
I want to be able to sit in public and not sweat a thousand gallons of sweat.
I want to do yard work without being in pain.
I want to be able to do fun things in the bedroom with my hubby again. I just feel too ugly and fat to do anything fun. I feel badly because I know he loves me, but I don't feel like I deserve his love. And I feel like he deserves someone hotter than me.
I want to be able to fit a towel all the way around me...a standard issue towel, not an 8 footer.
I want to get off ALL my meds.
I want to go through one whole day without thinking about my weight.
I want to be able to take my kids to the park...and play with them.
I want to look and feel my own age.
I want to look like my husband's wife and not his mother or his older sister....I don't want to be invisible anymore.
I want to be able to wear sexy stuff again and not look like a cow stuffed in sausage skin.
I want to have a six pack again....and not of beer.
I want to be flirted with...and maybe make my hunny jealous:).
I want to shop in the regular section...not plus size.
I don't want to have a headache or a tummy ache or be dizzy or achy all over anymore.
I want to fit into my husband's BDU's.
I want to do a 6-mile road march with my husband..and beat him!!!!!
I want to be under 140 pounds again.
I want to weigh less than my husband.
I'm sure I'll think of more things later.
9/11/06 Today I spoke with the referrals at my insurance company, and my referral for the sleep study was approved!! So I call the Sleep Clinic here in town, and I have the appointment set up for Tuesday, Sept 26 at 7PM. Apparently, I have to stay the night. I said, "That's cool...at least I won't have to put the babies to bed and deal with all the noise, and the getting up and the 'Mommy, I'm thirsty!' or 'Mommy, can we sleep with you and Daddy?' and the running and the screaming, etc, etc." I'll probably get the best sleep I've ever had in my life!!!
So here it what is planned so far:
Thursday, September 14: Psych Eval
Tuesday, September 26: Sleep Study
Friday, September 29: Consult with Surgeon
9/11/06 I found an old picture of me from high school and put it next to my current picture. I can't believe that I've allowed myself to gain so much weight! Anyway, here it is:
9/14/06 Great news! Last night I got a call from the sleep clinic saying that they had a last minute opening...I took it! So I did the sleep study..one step closer! YAY! Today I have the psych eval. I am sooooooo nervous. I don't want this to be the thing that keeps me from getting the surgery, but I don't want to be so nervous that the counselor thinks I'm lying. Wish me luck! I'll write more later to tell you what happened.
9/14/06 YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!!! I just got back from my psych eval and everything went great! It was so easy. I had no reason to be nervous. The guy was awesome and told me that I don't even have depression! He said that a lot of the things that I have been going through are a result of a sleeping disorder that is most likely caused by my obesity! He gave me a recommendation for the surgery and I am sooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One more step down, only a few more to go!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!!!!
9/15/06 I am having a great day today. I'm really optimistic about the future today. I've got more to add to my list of "wants to do after surgery":
I want to become a police officer and pursue my dream of being a homicide investigator.
I want to run a marathon.
I want to be able to do pull ups again ( I was better than all the guys when I was in junior high and high school!)
I want to play in a volleyball league again.
I want to be an inspiration to others who are feeling the same that I do right now, and are comtemplating having the surgery.
I want to feel like I belong on my husband's arm.
I want to be the hottest Army wife in his platoon.
I want to be a "poster child" for WLS.
I want to be able to see my feet again.
I want to be able to paint my toes again.
I want to wear the white mini dress that I wore to my high school Sports Awards Ceremony!
I want to be a shoe person. I love shoes, but I figure, no one's paying attention to my feet because of the huge belly that is the center of attention.
I want to wear a two piece swim suit again.
Ok, that's all I can think of for today. I'll write more later.
9/16/06 I am so mad. I just checked my myspace account, and there was a new bulletin posted by one of my "friends" about fat girls. It makes me so mad because he knows that I am obese and that I struggle with my weight. Some people are so stupid.
9/18/06 Okay, still sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. I was hoping that there would be a cancellation at the surgeon's office so I can get seen sooner. My appointment isn't for another 11 days. I've already done everything that I can do up to this point. I want to get a surgery date!!! I can't stand all this waiting. I know it hasn't been that long and other people have had to wait a lot longer, but this sucks!!! So, in my boredom, I made a weight loss goal chart to help me post op.
I just got a call from the sleep clinic. Apparently, I have sleep apnea. I had no idea! She said that while I was falling asleep, I stopped breathing 12 times, and during REM sleep, I stopped breating 46 times! No wonder I'm so tired during the day! Anyway, I have to do a follow up sleep study on Oct. 6th with the CPAP mask on. Oh well. I guess I'm getting a little closer to the big day.
9/20/06 I've started painting again! I've got to replace my food addictions (among other addictions, ie smoking) with more constructive and healthy ways to deal with my anxiety and stresses. I am painting a white Hawaiin flower on blue background, on four canvases. So that there is a fourth of the flower on each canvas. I will hang it over my bed in my room. I've finished 2 of the canvases, now I need to finish the other two and then the finishing touches on all four. Husband seems to like it. My son keep begging to paint his own, too, so I took one of the blank canvases and wrote on the back his name, age, and Saturday's date. I told him that he can paint whatever he wants to on Saturday. He is getting so anxious and keeps asking if it's Saturday yet! He is already a great artist with pens, pencils, crayons, and markers, I think that he will do great with paint as well. I may have the next Picasso on my hands!
9/21/06 Well, today is the big day....no not the surgery date...I quit smoking today. We are going to the smoking cessation class here on post. They are giving us (me and my hunnylover) the patch. My husband got Zyban last week to start the process, but I can't take it because it sucks...ok it doesn't work for me and I am already on Celexa. Anyway, we are getting the patch after the meeting. We aren't suppose to start until tomorrow, but if we are out of cigs, I will start tonight.
I am still waiting for the surgery consultation. I have everything else done. The surgeon's receptionist is suppose to call me if there is a cancellation, but no word yet in over two weeks. Of course, I have called her many times and am getting on her nerves. I can't believe that in two weeks, no one would cancel! Oh well, I guess others wait much longer. I can wait another week.
My blood sugar has been high this week. I got one of those blood sugar testers and am keeping a record every other day of my blood sugar before and after every meal and right before bed. I will take the results to my surgeon on the 29th to show more evidence that I need the surgery. That, in combination with the sleep apnea, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, fatty liver tissue, knee and ankle issues, weight (over 118 lbs) and high BMI should get me approved sooner than later. I have heard that Tricare is fairly loose with the approvals, and I have heard really good things about the surgeons on post. There are only two. I was kind of upset that I won't be able to have it done off post at Gateway Bariatrics with Dr. Steely, but I am over it. They only do the Open RNY here, and I really wish I could get it Lap, but I'll take it any way I can get it!
I wish that I could find someone to come and help me with the recovery from the surgery. It's going to be so hard...just the recovery itself, but I also have to take care of my family and a friend's daughter...I don't know how I am going to do it! I pray that the Lord works it all out.
9/22/06 Well, we did it. We went to the smoking cessation class and received the patches. My husband started it last night, as he is a heavy morning smoker. I started this morning since I am an afternoon and late night smoker. Last night, I tried to smoke as much as possible before midnight, but around 11:30, I was getting so sick of smoke. I put out the one that I had in my hand, only half way finished, then threw out all the butts and put the ashtrays in the sink. Then I took the last half of the pack (all that was left) and ran cold water over it. Then I broke all of the soaked cigarettes and threw them away. This morning, after I ate breakfast and lunch, I did crave a cig, but I think that it was just from habit. The patch is really helping with the irritability and sweating symptoms that I usually get when I go without smokes. It is now 1:25 PM and I feel fine. It's nice just sitting here playing with my daughter and not worrying about keeping her busy somewhere else so I can smoke. I am looking forward to the house and car and my clothes smelling nicer, too. When my hubby's Army buddies come over, they are always bothered by the smell. I want my house and my car to feel warm...not the temperature, but the feeling. I want it to feel inviting. I want it to smell like spices and stuff. I think that I am going to do some decorating for Fall in here. It has such a cold, bare feeling. I think it's because we have moved so much in the last year that I am used to not unpacking and not decorating because it seems pointless. But we are probably going to be here for at least a few more months (the Army is tearing down this series of housing to build newer housing...these are from the 40's), after that we will be moving to some of the newer housing down the street.
Anyway, I am still waiting for the call. I keep thinking about all the things that I will do once I have lost all this weight. I really want to get into great shape again...like I was in high school. I was so ripped and cut in my muscles...I miss being so strong. I want to be tough again and not worry about the pain in my feet and legs. I hate feeling so weak. I know that I have to start slow, but once I lose about 50 pounds, I think I really want to step up my workout and start strength training.
Okay, I'm rambling again. I bored. At least I'm not smoking! Yay!
9/24/06 Wow, what a weekend. I helped my good friend, Ginny, move out of her house, and I am so tired. On a good note, I didn't smoke! I am not even craving one anymore! I am so glad to be completely smoke free. I hope that I never go back to that destructive and horrible habit ever again! Nothing good ever comes from it. I can't believe that I was stupid enough to start and stop and start so many times! Please, Lord, give me strength to beat this and never give into it again! Thank you, Jesus!
9/25/06 Only 4 more days until the surgery consult!!!!!! I am so excited and so nervous. I just want to get this over with. I am so ready. I've got just about everything I need, except for someone to come and take care of me and the kids for the 2 weeks post op. Please Lord, work this out for me. Amen.
Until next time!
9/26/06 Good Morning everyone! It's a beautiful day. I am feeling a lot better today, as I got a LOT of sleep yesterday and last night. God bless my husband. He takes such good care of me.
This morning, I am still waiting. I know that I only have 3 more days until the consult, but it's killing me! I just have so many questions and so much to do for the surgery, I just want to get on the ball. I was really hoping to have the surgery before my birthday on October 12, but it doesn't look like that will happen. I guess I will just have to wait until Friday to find out what my chances are!
Quitting smoking is still going very well. I craved last night really bad, but did NOT give in. It's harder for me at night, that's when I crave the most. My husband is a morning smoker, so he usually has the hardest time waking up. He is so sweet to do this with me. I know it's not easy for him as all of his sargents and other soldiers that he works with smoke. He has a really hard time at work, but he hasn't given in. I love that man so much. He is my rock. I know that I couldn't do any of this without him.
I can't wait to be able to do things with him, like hiking, fishing, running, road marches, etc. I've got to get a job, but right now is not good because I can't go in there and say, "Hey, yeah, I need to take 6 weeks off right away," I don't think so! Chris is talking about getting a second job to try and pay off some of our bills a little more quickly, but if he does, I will seriously need someone to come out and help, because I will be alone ALL the time with ALL the kids! Please Lord, take this burden from me!
Well, I need to start cleaning the house. There are still some boxes that I haven't unpacked yet. Joseph wants me to paint his bedroom today, so I need to get it all covered. Man, what a day this is going to be. Until next time!
9/27/06 Well, another day has gone by. I tell you what, this is so hard, just waiting for my consultation. I guess it would be easier if I had more to do. I mean, I do have two kids, a husband and a house to clean, but I still have so much time on my hands, and I all I can seem to do is sit here and wait...
Yesterday, the surgeon's receptionist called me and told me that there was a cancellation and that I could be seen tomorrow (now today) at 8:20AM. I was so excited, then she says, "Oh, wait, nevermind, I was looking at the wrong surgeon's calendar. Sorry." My goodness, what a thing to do! She felt really bad since she knows that I've been waiting for a cancellation. I told her it was an honest mistake. We had a good chuckle over it, and I told her not to worry about calling me for a cancellation anymore. I told her I could wait until Friday. It's only a couple more days away now! Day after tomorrow!
I'm excited and so nervous. I don't really know what to expect. When I asked the receptionist what it's for, she said that it's a pre op appointment. I don't know if that means that he and I will just talk about the surgery, or if we are going to actually get down to business and get the rest of the tests out of the way.
I'm still smoke free. I'm very proud of myself. I never thought I'd get this far. I've quit before with no problems, but I was ready top quit then. This time, I feel like I have to quit, which is the truth, but it just seems to be so much harder this time. My husband is still smoke free too. He is so wonderful. I am so blessed to have him. I don't think I tell him enough how lucky I am to have such a great guy in my life. He is not the reason that I'm having the surgery. What I mean is, he has never made me feel bad about my size. I know that he is worried about my health, and he will be excited about my new body when I'm thinner, but he told me one time that even if I weighed 500 pounds and had 5 chins, he would still love me, still be attracted to me, and still make love to me. He is such a gift from God. I wish everyone else could have a mate like him.
K~I'm getting sleepy. Until tomorrow!
9/29/06 Ok, well, I went to the surgery consult on post here at Fort Campbell. I was told before that I could only have it here. Well, the DR asked me a few questions, then said, "Looking at your body type, I'd like you to have the lap surgery. We don't have the equipment here, so I'm giving you a referral to Dr. Steely." What!!!!! That's what I tried to do two months ago, but was told couldn't! Anyway, my husband was with me, and when we left, he told me he really didn't like the way the doctor spoke to and treated me. You'd think in this line of work that he would be more sensitive to obese people. He was a young punk who is obviously fresh out of med school. He's an officer, but still very young. Chris was very upset, I told him that I'm used to it, and I'm just glad that I get to see Dr. Steely. EVERYONE in town raves about him, and I feel blessed to get to have this surgery, 100% covered by my insurance, and by such a talented surgeon. He also does the tummy tucks, and I am really looking forward to that...perhaps in a year or so when I've lost all the weight I want to lose.
The rest of the day went pretty good. I called Dr. Steely's office and told Nancy the good news, and she rescheduled me for October 25, at 1 PM. Also happens to be my hubby's 25th birthday. My 28th birthday is coming up here on the 12th, but I don't think we will get to do anything for it...everything costs $!!!! He got me a pancake griddle a couple weeks ago....it's awesome! I made pancakes this morning, and it was so much easier. Thanks, hunnylover!!!
Until later~
10/2/06 Well, I am still a non smoker. This has been a hard ride, and definitely the hardest part of preparing for this surgery. But, it's all worth it. I've already seen the effects of getting healthier. I am able to spend so much more time with my kids now. Where, before I quit smoking, I would constantly try to get away from them so I could smoke, and if I couldn't get away to get my cigarette in, I was extremely irritable. Now, I never have to send them away, I never have to try to get away to get a smoke, I can play with my girl and not worry about stinking. I can play with her and my son and not be trying to get through it so I can get on with my cig. i know I am being repititous, but it feels so good. I noticed it tonight for real when I was getting the girl ready for bed. I spent something like 30 minutes with her: getting her bathed, diapered, dressed, in bed, read a book, brushed her hair, found her baby doll, tucked her in, etc. Before, that wouldn't have even interested me. I feel like I was such a bad mommy before. I feel terrible. I am so glad that that's no longer me. I like this new me. I like being in control of my life. I'm so thrilled about the surgery, too. I told my hunny that once this surgery is done and I have lost the weight that I need to lose, I hope to never think about weight or food issues another day in my life. I hate that my every day is filled up by thoughts of food or fat. I think that once I can get past this, I can start working on things that matter.
Okay, I'm done babbling and I'm getting tired now. TTYL.
10/3/06 I found this poem on someone else's profile. I think it's nice, and I want to share it with all of you who are reading mine now:
WLS Poem by Barbara Rice
So many nights, I whimpered and cried,
Thought that my prayers had all been denied.
Stuffing my feelings, ashamed of my plight,
Trying to stop, with all of my might.
Shoving in cold spaghetti, at three in the morning,
Frying shrimps by the time the daylight was dawning.
Drinking gallons of soda, my heart wildly beating,
Hating myself, 'cause I couldn't stop eating.
The monster in me would come out to play,
And as much as I begged him, he wouldn't go 'way.
Morning would come, and that is when,
The whole vicious cycle would start once again.
Tears would be streaming, I felt like a cow,
I wanted to stop, but I didn't know how.
Boarding a plane, and seeing the fear
In the eyes of the others..." Don't let her sit here!"
Walking a block, and feeling such pain,
That I went right back home to start eating again.
" Your face is so pretty! Start using your head!"
"Just eat smaller portions, " my family said.
" Put down the fork! Push back from the table!"
That's what my friends said...But I wasn't able.
" Willpower's the secret! We'll help you get through it!"
" TRY HARDER, " they urged...But I couldn’t do it.
I tried every diet to get back on track,
I'd lose weight and then just gain twice as much back!
Every morning I'd pray, " God let me be good..."
Then I'd fail once again...and no one understood.
Each new day would bring another attempt,
Each evening would bring still more self-contempt.
Filled with self-loathing, such awful remorse,
Simply unable to get back on course.
Overwhelmed with this state of awful depression,
Giving in to this dark, paralyzing obsession.
I thought to myself, " You'll always be fat.
Accept it, move on! Learn to live with that fact! "
Questioning God and wondering why,
Positive that I was destined to die.
Yet something inside me was whispering, "No..
There MUST be a way. It HAS to be so."
I felt a new person was waiting inside me,
And it was her voice, I permitted to guide me.
I knew I could no longer go on this way,
Desperate and dying, bit by bit, day by day.
So I got on my knees, and prayed for relief,
Then God sent a miracle to lessen my grief.
A way to stop eating, so crazy I thought,
Went against everything I had been taught.
This was my last option, I felt like a jerk
If this didn't do it, then NOTHING would work!
So I trusted the doctors, wholly and blindly,
And my God smiled down, completely and kindly.
An unorthodox treatment, but working so well,
To help lift me OUT of this ongoing hell.
A surgical wonder, that acts as a tool
To battle the fat, which has made life so cruel.
So as scared as I was, I knew I'd get through it...
Since I was so much more afraid not to do it.
And it went very smoothly, and I'm convinced that
That pain was less than the pain of this fat.
Nothing could hurt more than being this size,
While seeing the pity in everyone's eyes.
That part of my life is over and done,
But I'll never forget the place I come from.
I'll always be grateful, I'll always be driven
To bestow upon others the support I've been given.
The obsession has lifted, I'm whole and I'm free,
God and my surgeon gave my life back to me.
I've learned to eat slowly, I've learned how to chew
Enjoying my food, as normal folks do.
I eat when I'm hungry, I stop when I'm not,
Being fat, in this life, will not be my lot.
I eat not for sport, but just to survive,
My whole life is changing...I'm glad I'm alive!
I will reach the goal that I'm aiming toward,
I've truly been blessed...Thank You, Dear Lord.
The peace that I feel is calming and true,
And for those who still suffer...I wish it for you.
10/5/06 Well, tomorrow is the day of the second sleep study. I am looking forward to getting it overwith. I have to wear the Cpap machine thingy. My friend says that she hates it. She has to wear it everynight. She says that she thinks she got more sleep without it, apnea and all!
We had a pretty good day today. We went to the third smoking cessation class today and got the step down patch...14mg. We have been doing really great. We have both cheated, but it was so gross that we stopped. I wore a sweater today (yay! it's finally cold enough outside!) that I haven't washed since before I quit smoking. It stunk so bad! It made me so sick to smell it. It actually gave me a migraine from the smell.
Well, until later!
10/7/06 I went to the second slepp study last night, it sucked so bad. I didn't get any sleep at all. I had to wear all the wires like last time, plus the extremely annoying CPAP mask. I felt like I was suffocating the whole night. By 4:30 AM, I was so frustrated that I gave up. Luckily, they got enough info on me that it was okay. The nurse said that I just kept trying to tear the mask off all night. She finally asked me at 4:30 if I thought I was going to get any more sleep, and I said probably not.
When I got home and crawled into bed, all my babies were there, Chris, Joe and Fannah. Fannah was so sick. She had a temp of 104 all through the rest of the morning and the day, in between it going down for a few minutes after receiving meds. I finally took her to the ER and they said that she is fine, she probably just has a virus. So, I didn't get any sleep at all today. What's worse is that it's 11:35 PM and I can't get to sleep now. I wish I could just go to sleep like a normal person and sleep through the night and wake up refreshed. I hope that I might get there when I lose all this weight.
There are no appointments until Oct 25 at 1 PM, so I may not update until then. I may write something next week on my birthday, we'll see.
10/12/06 It's my birthday today. I am 28. My husband's friend, who is 20, asked me today how I feel. How do I feel? I feel old. I feel like a failure. I feel like every thing that I've ever tried, I've failed. I feel like I've wasted the last 10 years of my life wandering around the country, burning bridges, racking up debt, disappointing my family, and ruining friendships. It's been a really bad week, to say the least. I don't have the energy to explain everything, but it sucked. I had an okay day, though. It was just me and the girl (my daughter, Savannah...we call her "the girl" and our son Joseph "the boy"). We just hung out, watched videos, cleaned, and finished the laundry. Then we took a nap. Then we got up. Then I got dressed. Then I put my hair in pig tails. Then Chris came home with dinner: Chinese food. Chris got me a pair of slippers and a candle, Cadiz (the 20 year old friend above) got me a $20 gift card from Borders Book Store. My friend Ginny got me a bag of onions, two candles, and a box of chocolates. I guess it was pretty good. At least nothing bad happened. It was just so boring. And Chris decided today was a good day to get the Anthrax and Flu Vaccines, so he started feeling sick around 7 PM. So much for my birthday luvin. Oh well. I guess I sound really depressed and ungrateful. I'm not. I guess I just really miss my family. They are so far away. My Aunt Teresa, my brother Ricky, my sister in law Valerie, my husband's dad and my parents all called me today. It was nice to hear from everyone.
Not much else to report, so I'll sign off for now. I probably won't write again until the 25th when I have my first surgeon's consult. Bye for now!
About Me
Before & After
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