clbnest
a little bio: 42 yo mother of 8yo son, married 17 years to a man that can make me laugh. Have 1 sister, 1 brother. Parents divorced when I was 6yo. Didnt have much contact with dad until I was out of HSchool. He died in 2002. Lived in the San Fernando Valley when Northridge quake hit. Hubby worked for the Northridge JC Penneys. Needless to say, if the quake had hit 1hour later, I'd be a widow. So... we moved south to OC so Hubby could work at the Regional office in Buena PArk. It's great to have the support of this site, knowing it's comming from people that have been there ,done that, bought the Tshirt in and XXXlarge and threw it out for a belly shirt!!!
12-11-04
I got my approval to see a surgeon, however after reviewing that surgeons info packet, I don't think he's the one for me. I don't even meet HIM until after I've had all the testing and the surgerys been approved. Thats ridiculous. Ive been a nurse for 22 years and that is unacceptable. and if he's that busy that he cant bother to meet with patients, than he's not for me. I requested another surgeon from my Primary care Physician. I had called the IPA (med grp that administrates my HMO) and requested the change, but was told that had to come from my PCP. I got a little resisitance from PCP's office person, but she agreed to do it when she could get to it. I'll check next week.
12-26-04
Received by authorization to see the surgeon I wanted. He hasn't done as many procedures as the othe doctor, but I like the new Dr.'s hospital and Dr. Jonsrud much better. I go to their"community meeting on 1-11-05 and fill out the paperwork and then set and appointment for the consultation. Wish me luck!!
The more I read and talk to people, the more I believe this is for me. I was apprehensive about the permanence of the surgery and the life altering change in eating habits. My life has been SOOOOO centered around food as comfort and using food as an indulgence that it really scared me. But now that my weight is "catching up" with me health-wise, the surgery is'ant as scary as the alternatives. I'm 43 with a 8 year old son whom I adore and want to see grow up, and maybe see my grandchildren. So, I'm in!!!!
01-03-05
Well I've hooked up with Shellianne. What a sweetheart. She is my WLS sister. Have'nt met her Face to Face yet, but plan meeting up with her at Dr. J's support group on the 18th. She has really help me with info I need to make my decision. Thank God for all the people on this site that are willing to share their stories!
1-11-05
WOW, OK so I want surgery now. I loved Dr. J. he was realistic and informative, but had a sense of humor and patience for really stupid questions. The meeting was very informative and convinced me this is the road for me. I'll call Dr. J's office tommorrow to set by one on one. Wish me luck! (it was really nice to meet Shell and Cass face to face, Hi Guys !) :)
1-22-05
I have an appt. with my PCP monday to discuss WLS and my comorbidities(diabetes, Hypertension, sleep apnea, etc) I want to be sure he's on board with all of this. He's really the one who suggested the surgery, so Im enthusiastic. I have an appt. with Dr. J on the 27th for my consult. Hopefully we can get this ball rolling. Iam so excited about this surgery. I finally see light at the end of the tunnel. I know WLS is a tool and not a cure in its self, but I know that with the hard work required of me post op I can succeed and keep it off. I just finished Carnie Wilsons 2nd book "Im still Hungry". What a hoot! She lets you know that you still have to work at the wt loss, and that we're still human and have lapses in good judgement when food is involved, but the nice thing about the WLS is instead of being depressed about screwing up and eating the whole 1/2 gallon of rocky road we only eat 4tbsps! So even if we lose it We cant lose too big! Luckily after being on so many diets and being a nurse I know what to eat, its just portion control and impluse eating I have to fight. So...WLS makes sense to me. Wish me luck!
1-28-05
I saw Dr J yesterday. I waited for over an hour in the waiting room. My husband went with me and he was ready to leave. I wasn't particularly happy with the dark haired assistant that took us back. I handed her all of the medical records I had gotten together per my insurances request and after "flipping " through was told that I needed more. I explained that everything was there according to my insurance and was told, " I do this everyday and I know what they want". Well, needless to say my hackles went straight up, but not wanting to come off as a non-cooperating patient, I told her that everything WAS there, but if SHE needed additional info, I'd be happy to get it for her. Dr J was a delight, and Tim(my hubby) asked all kinds of questions, which suprised the hell out of me. I told him that he better ask now or forever keep his mouth shut! So far he' been real supportive of my decision. I only hope the same is true come post op! I called and left a message for Kathleen the RD and Dr, Sterling the shrink. Haven't heard from them yet
2-4-05
I had my psych eval on Wed. night. Sean Sterling PhD, was the therapist who worked me up. He was very nice and we had a nice visit. The interview was very simple and he asked about my history and my marriage. He was impressed about how much research I had done and thought I was very informed. He already has my eval done and Dr J's office called and said they recieved it today. WOW now thats service!!! I see Kathleen the RD on the 15th. Hopefully I can get the documentation for 6 month Dr supervised Wt loss attempt from my PCP by then. Then DrJs office will put it all together and send it in for Ins auth. WOW, am I getting excited! Ive been trying to eat like I'll have to post op. I have to admit I'm eating more in portion size though. Ive lost 13lbs in 3weeks I started off as 345 and I weighed in at 331 at the surgeons office. It's messing up my pre op BMI, but oh well that still leaves me over 40!
2-16-04
Saw Kathleen the RD last night. She was great. We had a friendly chat about what to expect with the post op diet and how the program will work. I went to the support group after meeting with Kathleen. THAT WAS Great!!! It was very helpful to hear other people ask questions that I was afraid to ask, and get frank honest answers. It was great hearing how people are changing their lives. It was a relief to hear other express the same fears and doubts that I have and have them comforted by real people who have walked the walk. IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE... GO TO A SUPPORT GROUP! I go to the Behaviour Modification class on Wed the 23rd. I have the echo and H pylori test on monday. I can then send in my paperwork for approval. Wish me luck!!!
2-19-05
Called my mom to see how she was doing. She has metastatic breast cancer that is in her bones and now her brain. She wasnt having a good day when I called, but I knew I had to finally tell her about the WLS. I had been putting it off for 2 reasons: 1 Didnt want her to worry
2 Didnt want to here all her negativity about my decision.
To my utter amazement, she was mildly supportive. I know she is concerned, but she said that if Ive thought through, then I should go for it. She even said that my sister, whom she lives with, was also contemplating WLS. I was thrilled. My sister needs the surgery as badly as I do.
2-23-05
Went to the Behav. Mod Class tonight. Tim went with me, which was great. I want him to hear all the "rules and regs" ahead of time so maybe this time around he wont be the food police. I have my doubts, but he's been real supportive. I keep asking him if he'll be able to handle the drastic change to come, and he assures me he cant wait. He keeps saying he's primaryly worried about my health, but I know he's put off by my wt.. I was thinking of the ways I will reward myself as I meet my goals. I kept thinking of things that still revolved around food: a night out, dinner, movie or theater. Other things that in the past, would entail eating as a major part of the activity. Then I started thinking of things that "I" have wanted to do, but Tim didnt want to do, or I that I thought were too self indulgent. I'd like to go to San Franciso for a weekend alone or with a girlfriend, go to a day spa for the WORKS, get my nails done, get a massage, go to the Opera etc. I want to feel like a normal person again, look good and be able to run with my son in the park and not think I'm having an MI right there on the grass. Good things come to those who wait, so I'm a wait'n.
3-1-05
Saw Dr Burris, my PCP yesterday. He is wonderful. He wrote a letter for me to the IPA that basically says document 6 more months of wt loss attempt is idiotic and endangering my health. I have to add another medication to control my blood sugar, which depresses my no end. My mom is now in hospice and they dont know if its going to be days weeks or months. The Drs told us she had 2+/- years 5YEARS ago so we're kind of numb to time frames. However, I see mom is going downhill and is now on a morphine pump. She is staying with my sister in WA state. I will be going up 3-10. I hope I can have my surgery soon so I can take one worry off my plate. All this stress is not helping wt loss efforts!!!!!!!!!!!
3-2-05
Well... my authorization request went in yesterday! PLEASE LORD LET THIS BE SIMPLE! With everything going on in my life I need one thing to go smoothly. Im not counting on it but Id sure appreciate it. My poor sister is on the verge of a breakdown with my mom. Mom has became aggressive and beligerant. Diana is so mellow most of the time it kills me to see her this way. We may have to put mom in a SNF. Which none of us want to do! GOOD GOING STEPHANIE! 33 more days till your surgery. Im so jealous!!!! Thanks for keeping in touch.
3-4-05
OH MY GOSH, OH MYYYYYYYYYYY GOSH! Dr.Js office just called me and I'm approved!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant believe IT. Thank you GOD
3-7-05
Well its settled the 25th is the day my life starts anew! I went through so many emotions this weekend. I actually got scared. What an idiot. I was ready for a long drawn out fight with the ins co to approve WLS, so I hadnt mentally prepared for surgery. I got approved in 3 days! I felt smacked up side the head! I so want to do this, but I hadnt really settled on it in my head. ARE YOU READY FOR THE EMOTIONAL JUNK?
Ready or not....
Ive not been real happy for a long time. Im tired of being the brave little soldier. I try daily to put my faith in God and I do know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but GEEZ!!! how long is this freaking tunnel!. I love my husband, but sometimes I don't like him. He gets so angry and stresses over the most mundane things. His patience level is nonexistent, so he yells at our son alot which makes me nuts. My son is ADHD and has prolems of his own. I can usually handle it ok, but when I'm tired or had a really crumby day myself, I too go off on him. I hate myself when I do. I cant tell you how much this website and the people Ive met through it have helped change my life. IM NOT ALONE ON EARTH. There are so many stories out there that are similar. Ive got to keep the faith, keep the joy and know my turn is commin'.
3-15-05
Well...back from up north. BOY am I glad Im back. I love my mom, but with the morphine pump, and cancer progression on top of her already cranky personality I was REALLY glad to come home. I have a all new respect and gratitude for my sister. What she and her family endure on a daily basis would drive me to murder. My sister nearly stroked out while I was there. I confronted my mom about her behaviour towards my sister and people in general and my mom got EXTREMELY upset. My sister was worried about her collapsing. I felt like scum but I couldnt stand by and allow such abusive behaviour to continue. My sister collapsed under the stress. My mom snapped right back into normal and was helping me with Di. I was so worried about her. I was scared I had caused all this and it was Di getting the short end. But.. as it always does in our family, the stuff hits the fan and in 24 hrs its as if nothing ever happened. Of course mom had to stick her little barbs in about how we're ungratful for all she does for us. IE she bought a new washer and dryer for my sister, which my sister DID NOT WANT and told her not to buy, but mom did it anyway because she didnt like my sisters. But then mom will say to people that if it were'nt for her they would all be at the laundermat! She uses her money as a control. When we ask her not to buy something she does it anyway and then we never hear then end of it. I just feel so sorry for my sister. I have a whole new respect for her. God bless her and give her strength. I told alot of relatives about my surgery and for the most part got positive feedback. Some thought its too drastic and that I havent tried hard enough. Of course this one person was about 50lbs overweight and has been for 30 years! UGH ...people make me nuts. IM SO GLAD TO BE HOME WITH MY GUYS!
3-18-05
I dont know why, but Ive been really down this week. I know the whole thing with my mom set me off but I cant seem to shake this attitude. It's bugging me. I feel lonely I guess. As usual "life" happens and my birthday is going to be overlooked again this year. I really dont mind, I know we have to do the things that have to be a priority, but I hate the fact it always happens on birthdays and anniversaries! 37 more days to go...these are the longest days Ive ever known! I hope I perk up soon, it's not like me to be mopey.
3-24-05
Well I have preop class on the 21st and exam with Dr J on the 14th. Things are moving right along. Ive been really OFF on my nutrition lately. Im kind of saying goodbye to some foods and enjoying others while I can. Ive been craving beef like crazy.
I'm sort of in a daze as far as surgery. I cant believe Im actually doing it so soon. I better do now before I chicken out!
I am mourning food and what I think I'll lose out on. But I remind myself that holidays are about the people... not the food. Food enhances the reunion, so I have a little and dont join in on the "Im so stuffed I cant move " part of the party.
Happy Easter!!!
3-28-05
Well... I dont know what to do any more. My hubby and I have been at odds for awhile. He's been REALLY irritible and angry. He's yelling at me and Boo. I know he's stressed at work, but that has'nt changed much. I don't understand why he is soooo angry all the time. Boo or I will ask him a question, and all we get is "WHAT!?!" He's being an ass, and it's getting worse.
It was bad enough that he didnt do anything for my birthday, he didnt do anything for Easter either. I had gone out and gotten Boo's easter basket and got hubby a giant egg with candy inside an a Large Chocolate rabbit. He went to the store twice on sunday after receiving his easter gifts and didnt get me a thing. He didnt even acknowledge the gift I gave him. PIG.
He used to be the most generous, playful, and humorous persons I knew,...now it's "screw them before they get you" and "Why should I?" If I help somebody or do something nice for someone, he gets mad says that Im wasting time and money. His constant negativity is wearing me down. Nothing I do is right, he gives me all the responsibilty of paying bills, seeing to childcare, healthcare, household admin., and then has the nerve to B*tch if its not the way he likes. It's not like Im not stressed. with my moms illness and dying, my upcomming surgery, job stress and a kid with ADD, I'm on the verge man! Im going to suggest marital counselling and see what happens. Wish me luck!
3-31-05
Well... had a heart to heart with hubby. We cleared the air about a lot of things and came to and understanding about expectations and needs. I think we can work through this. We have always been a "fun" couple and we are trying to get the fun back. One thing this whole process has done is make me REALLY look at myself. I had to appologize to hubby about several things that I had let get out of control. I had my Chest Xray, EKG and PFT yesterday. I see my PCP for preop clearence on the 6th and see Dr. J on the 14th. It's really happening! WHOA! Ive perked up a bit and am enjoying the windy weather. My mom sent me 2 dresses that are cotton and button up the front for post op. I had to wear one today...its cute. My son said I looked pretty and that he liked the colors...so it's a keeper. (I'll have to see if it comes in smaller sizes :)
4-2-05
I think Im coming down with a cold. Its been windy and dry so hopefully its allergies only. Keeping fingers crossed. I dont want to put off surgery for a stupid cold. Ive got 22 more days so Im cranking the zinc and Vit C, and drinking like a fish(H2O)
I am going to be getting house in order and getting things ready."nesting" I guess. I got my vitamins and some other supplements that I'll start a week before surgery. Im getting excited for real now!
4-6-05
Well its official sports fans Ive got Bronchitis. I had a fever of 101 on sat., then 102 on sun., and got to 103.4 on Monday. Needless to say I have been feeling pretty crappy. I saw pcp today for PREOP ha ha like he'd clear me right now. I got a course of Zithromax and an inhaler and have to see him again in 7days. I see Dr J for his preop in 8 days, so hopefully I'll be all better and everything can go ahead as planned. What I really feel bad about is not being able to go see Stephanie C. who had surgery on the 4th. I left her a cell message and emailed her but its not the same. IF YOU READ THIS STEPH, I'm sooooo sorry, but I didnt think youd want the germs! At the PCP I was 335! thats down 6lbs yippee!!!
4-13-04
Well I see the PCP this afternoon to see if he'll clear me for surgery. I still have a little cough but I know come the 25th I'll be fine. Luckily my irregular period decided to show up on time and that means I won't have to worry about it post-op for awhile. I've had abdominal surgery before and I know how hard using the restroom can be, let alone dealing with the monthly. Probably too much info but hey...what use is this for but to vent and keep a record? Right!?!? I'm really getting excited now. It hasn't seemed real. I see Dr. J tommorrow and have 11 days to surgery Yippee!
4-14-05
Dang it! I flunked my PFT. PCP says I should be fine for surgery, but wants to repeat PFT on 22nd to be sure. Not sure how surgeon is going to feel about that, I see him today. Iam sooooooooo bummed.
I got all pysched for the 25th. I dont want to have to repeat all the tests and my hubbys already arranged to take time off of work UGH.... I hate this.
4-15-05
IM CLEARED!!!! surgery goes as planned, What a relief. Now all I have to do is round up some help for week 2. Hubby is off 1st week, but Im on my own after that. Dr J is a hoot. We talked about post op and my fears and he just talked to me like a real person and joked with me and I felt so much better after that. He really is a super doc!
4-19-05
Had my preop labs drawn this morning. Im looking forward to support group tonight. I need a fix and confidence boost. I got my advanced directive and healthcare power of attorney notarized, and I started feeling nervous. ONLY 6 DAYS to go! UGH!!! These are going to be the slowest 6 days of my life!
4-20-05
Went to support group last night and really had a great time. If there is anything else you do...go to the groups! There is so much kinship and support there. A group of us stood around and talked after the meeting was over and then Shellianne and I went to get a bite to eat. We split a quiche lorraine (She's 5months out and looking fab!) I was suprised that she was able to eat it and be comfortable and act as normal as if she hadnt had WLS. Sorry Shell if you read this...it's not like I expected horns to come out of your head or for you to throw up at the table, I didnt know what to expect. We had a lovely time and I kept her out way too late (Sorry about that too Shell)but it helped me so much and I hope I have found a real friend. (Luv ya Shell...and no Im not a WLS Groupie :) LOL.
Tomorrow is my preop class and I get all the details for Monday, whew...5 more days tic toc !
4-22-05
Last day of work and surgery is monday! Had preop class yesterday and thought they could shorten it by an hour and still get all the info in they need. A high point was meeting Michael. He is with the anesthesia dept and came to talk to us. We found out he had had the surg in Jan. and he looked HOT! I would never have guessed he had had WLS. That was by far the most educational part, along with the tour. I liked Shirley who came in and lead us in some guided imagery for relaxation. I almost fell asleep! With all this done, all I have to do is see Dr. Burris today and pass my PFT and we're a go! I'll clean out the frig tommorrow, bannish all contraban and go shopping for healthy food for family and my clear liquids YUM!
4-23-05
I have had the day from hell! I have been so emotional, I dont know whats wrong. I do know but cant figure out why I cant just blow it off. My womens group, whom Ive dedicated most of my spare time and talents to, just let me know that it might be better if I wait to be as involved until I have more time to attend state events and can attend all the meetings.Well since I work and half the meetings are on Mondays, that wont be happening real soon. I buried myself into service to the organization and now they kick me off the dock with a "see ya"
I was devastated! I know its stupid to put your heart on the line for an organization, but these women were friends as well and it hurt. Then I had asked my hubby to spend today helping me get the house organized before my surgery monday, and what does he do...takes off for 2 hours and then works in the garage the majority of the day. He was doing nothing to help me in the house until I got POed and then he started gathering up the trash and helped my 8yo son in his room. I give up. Im just going to center on me right now and get through surgery and let the good Lord fix the rest. I know there is a plan so on with the show.
4-25-05
Surgery Day...feeling vunerable and a little scared. Off I GO!!!
See you on the other side.
May 2005
5-5-05 Boy howdy what a ride! Of course things did not go according to plan. The surgery went "well" and my hubby called my sister and mom to let them know I was out of surgery, and he was told my mom had passed away that morning. My husband was floored and was a rock for me. They didnt tell me as I was in so much pain and after the barium swallow was found to have a leak and needed another surgery. I had some respiratory problems and ended up on a vent. I woke up in ICU to see my sister, brother-in-law and hubby. I knew something was up if my sister and her husband were there, because she wouldnt have left my mom. I freaked with the vent and tried to rip it out. They sedated me and thats all I remember til I woke up on the regular floor 3 days later. The worse part of the hospital stay was having all the stuff connected. At one point I had 9 machines hooked up! Also, having the drains pulled was NOT fun!. This is NOT for wimps or the faint hearted thats for sure. I feel better each day and Im not thinking, "What in Gods name was I thinking" anymore. I am getting tired of jello and popsicles, and I cant even stand the smell of any of the broths(chicken, beef or vegatable) It is still a struggle to get all the fluids in. Ive learned the hard way not to drink too fast and I have to be sitting up, not reclining when I eat or drink. I get my soft proteins on the 11th YIPPEE...Im dying for cottage cheese. I made the mistake of getting on the scale..dont do it I gained 4 lbs and it really bummed me out. All this pain and suffering, almost dying to "GAIN" weight! I know in my head its swelling and water retention, but it really psyched me out! Well, Im pooped out already so off to nappy I go! Thank you to all of you who called and sent cards/emails, I REALLY appreciated it!
5-14-05
Got my staples removed on the 12th, and started my soft proteins. I'm having a problem with cottage chesse. I eat 2 tsp and it wants to come up. I've tried it twice and the same thing happens. I made 15 bean soup with les water so its more of a paste, and that goes down real well, as does the yogurt. I learned the 30-20-30 rule about drinking the and eating the hard way. I was really afraid of vomiting, thinking I tear something or throw my guts up too! It wasnt bad at all. Still, not something I enjoy, nor want to continue. I can definitely tell if Im not hydrated enough. I feel nauseated, dizzy, and crampy. I went to the movies with my aunt last night and saw Monster in Law...funny movie, but I was beat when I got home. I'm still sore and tire easily. I go to the post op class on wednesday. Dr J said I could drive next week if Im up to it. Yippee! On the 12th I weighed in at 315, thats 20lbs in 2weeks YEAH!!!
May 30, 2005
I'm really bummed out. I feel terrible, more mental then physical, I am REALLY mourning food right now. Im dying for some vegetables and red meat! The smell of all the BBQs this weekend are driving me insane. Dont laugh!!! I really do feel like Im losing it. I eat something that sounds good one time, and then I can't stand even mentioning it or smelling it the next day! Im so tired of eggs and cheese, I just don't eat. I cant eat roasted chicken, so I'm going to try stewed chicken. I had some MILD curry chicken the other night. Tasted sooo good, but I chowed down and ended up vomiting. I am going to try some cooked veggies though. Something like squash, lima beans. I havent been able to get all the water in. I hate it! I drink iced decaf tea, and cool aid made with splenda. And if the food Nazi doesnt like it...well, its that or dehydration! I havent been excercising as much as I should either. I've been so bummed and weak feeling that I havent had the energy to do anything. I almost fell again in the shower and Im paranoid to do anything by myself. Sometimes I really wonder if this was worth it!
June 2005
6-14-05
Well Im feeling better and am able to keep more things down. The hard thing to do is to remember to eat slowly. Being hydrated is EXTREMELY important. I can really tell the difference in my nausea an ability to keep things down if Im not. I go back to work on the 27th an am actually looking forward to it. Im down from 341 pre op to 292 in 7 weeks! thats 49 pounds, I think that alone was worth all of this.
6-16-05
I have had a wonderful day! I went to the mall to find a pair of shoes. Decided to go into Lane Bryant just to look. Well I tried on 3 outfits and Im down from a 30/32 to a 22/24 YIPPEE! I had to replace some bras too, so I bought 3 and a new outfit. I went to the movies with my family and went to dinner afterward. I slide into the booth without holding in my gut!!!! My husband has been a trooper. I dont know if it was his fear of losing me in the surgery and its complications, or his knowing Im committed to this WLS, but he has been supportive, loving and fun again. We even have a date Sat. night. He still has to work on the "spending good money on a meal you take 2 bites out of" mentality, but all in all he's been a rock. I love him very much, and it's nice to have my ole hubby back.
6-22-05
Went to support group last night. The speaker was Dr Salibian a plastic surgeon speaking on post op body contouring. Very informative. I can tell already I'll need a abdominoplasty big time. After the meeting Shellianne and I went to dinner at Pollys. I just love Shell. She is 7months out down 94 lbs and 10 from goal! you go girl!!!! She is a wealth of information, and a good supporter.
6-26-05
Well I go back to work tommorrow. Mixed feelings about that. Ive really liked being a stay at home mom and housewife, but I do miss the adult conversation and hangin with the girls at work. Not to mention the money. Its weird how my place in my relationship changed when I wasnt bringing home the income I used too. It was mostly in my own head but I could tell that unless I was bringing the bacon at the same level or higher than my hubby I kind of drop a peg or two in status in the home. Housewives are truly under valued and appreciated. We had my sons scout graduation yesterday with a BBQ. Had a great time. I tried to eat a hamburger patty...wrong! Ate 2 bites and that was 2 too many. After I waited awhile I had some beans, potato salad and fruit salad. All went down fine. I didnt have the cake but tried some home cranked strawberry ice cream...again wrong! Two bites and I was nauseated. This aversion therapy works. I had fresh necterines and cottage chees for breakfast this morning, yummy. I am so glad I dont have a problem with fruit and veggies, although I havent tried raw veggies yet. I will probably try a small spinach salad next week. Ill keep fingers crossed. 290
July 2005
7-1-05
OK so too many veggies and trying pasta was a bad idea. Ive been feeling pretty nasty the last two days. I joined 24hr fitness today and Im down to 289. Total to date 56 lbs in 9 1/2 weeks. Not too shabby. I will have to stick to approved food list for awhile til things settle down. This 4th ought to be a real hoot. BBQ anyone? Oh not for me, Im trying to drive myself insane standing here smelling all the food and not being able to eat it thanks!
7-10-05
I love protein drinks. They have saved me. I have the energy I need, without the stomach irritation and their really good. Iwas having such a hard time getting animal protien down, and Im sick of eggs. I still have yogurt and cheese and occasionaly fish but Ive stopped trying chicken, it always makes me sick. 4th of July was fun. We BBQ'd and watched fireworks from our roof. We can see Disneyland, Knotts, Cypress College and a host of other shows from our roof. It looks like the whole sky is ablaze with fireworks. I had a bit of BBQ spare rib. Not so hot going down, but it did and stayed too! I had some baked beans and potato salad that was GREAT! I think I had a total of 3oz of food though. So I wasnt exactly worried about calories fat or carbs. I spent yesterday sewing. My mom's memorial is the 24th and we have decided to bid her ALOHA, and go Hawaiian on the boat to scatter her ashes. She was never a "Funeral" type. She would have wanted a party/wake. So we are all going to dress Hawaiian. I made matching shirts for my son and husband and am working on the matching dress for me. Since I believe death is the beginning of the rest of our existance, we should celebrate knowing the person, while we had them, and congratulate them on their new journey. I have felt that I started a new journey too, however earthbound none the less a transfiguring. It's 30% physical and 70% mental. I think more goes on in your head than in your body. And since sooo much is going on with your body that's saying something! I am still mourning food. I really wish I could just bite into a cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, onions on an onion bun, YUM! Oh well...those made me fat, but what would one bit do,....besides make me throw up! Hum...aversion therapy seems to work, maybe just one bite...HA HA
7-12-05
I had half a McDonalds big and tasty on Sunday. It was good but I didnt feel real great afterward. My poor sister is so filled with grief and remorse over my mom's death that shes going to eat her way into an early grave. However after what I went through, there is no way in hell she will go through with WLS. Im hoping that when she sees me at moms memorial service in 2 weeks she'll see how far Ive come. Iam really scared for her. She was always the thin "cute" one. While people always said I had a beautiful face, I was "hiding" behind all my wt. How true that was. We joke on how I'll be the gorgeous sister and then she says I'll still be older! Little witch! I just want her to be healthy. Now I can see where my husband was coming from. It was'nt just the outward appearence that bothered him, but my health. Boy life has a way of teaching you the lessons you need...you just have to be willing to learn from it.
7-15-05
Well Ive plateaued and it really ticks me off. Im sore all over from working out, drinking all my water, and the stupid scale hasnt budged in a week and a half UGH!!! Oh well, I know it will pass, but it is frustrating. I have been checking out the chat room and message boards. They are so helpful, If nothing else to know you arent alone, have validation for your feelings and know your'e not nuts. I went to the gym last night and just sat in the whirlpool. I was soooo sore after Attila got done with me on Tues.. I cant blame her completely, because I did extra reps after she left. Wrong!!! so much for pushing too hard. I'll go to the pool on Sat. and walk the park til Tues again. Next weekend is my moms memorial. Boy, what Id give to drown my feelings in cheescake right now!
7-19-05
I had a Taco bell taco supreme today. Ate the whole thing and didnt throw up or feel like it. YIPPEE !!!!! I know its not the best choice in the world, but Ive been living on protien drinks and nibbles on whatever I could hold down. I wanted mexicn food soooo bad. Every morsel of that taco was heaven. I ate it slow, and chewed and chewed. Ecstasy! I feel like I accomplished something. Ive also broken my plateau too! Im down 4lbs this week! Im down 63 lbs in 12wks Yippee!
7-25-05
Had my moms funeral yesterday. I thought I had gotten all my grieving out of the way. I saw the urn, the flowers, the music started and then I lost it. I was a mess. I was able to pull it together enough to say a few words and propose a toast at dinner I sure would hav e like to OD in ice cream last night. The only good thing that happened is that two cousins I hadnt seen for a while, didnt even recognize me. When we took mom out on the boat, it was beatiful, and reminded me of my youth being out on the sea , and the day was beautiful in Ventura. As we approached the area where we would scatter the ashes a huge pod of dolphins surrounded the boat and stayed with us for sometime. I have been on boats and around the sea all my life and Ive never seen that many at one time. There were baby ones too. It was as if they came to show mom home. She loved the sea and was happiest on the water. God's speed marmy and fair seas for you til the end of time and we meet again. I love you!
August 2005
8-1-05
Well...I sure can tell the difference when I'm hydrated well and when I'm not! I am much more nauseated and can't eat much of anything when my fluids' low. I also did'nt work out last week. I was emotionally hung over from mom's memorial. I know excuses excuses, but I just could'nt do it. I did continue my walking at work on breaks and at lunch though. My wt loss slowed too..go figure! I am having a hard time finding anything that sounds appealing to eat. If I find something that sounds good I usually try it and get sick. So right now its protein drink in am, salad with some protein at lunch or a taco supreme from Taco Bell, and some meat and veggies for dinner (if I'm up to it) Sometimes I just have another protein drink. I really have to start a food diary again. I have to keep track of my cals and protein especially. I'm down to 274 Yippee
8-4-05
My hips and lower back are killing me. I havent done anything out of the ordinary, or worked out harder. But my hips and low back feel like Ive been doing squats for a month straight. I called my PCP and he gave me a muscle relaxant. BOY did I sleep good. Now if I can only stay awake at work! I may be dehydrated a bit too, so I'll bump up the intake a bit and see how it goes.
8-5-05
Wow I love muscle relaxants!!!!! I called my pcp about the hip pain and since we cant take nsaids, and the vicodin elixar wasnt cutting it, he gave me flexeril. Good stuff!!! I feel ALOT better. I hope to be back in the gym soon. I have to take the puppy in for his appt. at the vets tommorrow, but I'll go afterward. My hubby is really impressed by how much Im losing. I asked him what he was going to do when I got all skinny and hot again. He said he was going to get a prescription of Viagra and a shotgun! I said "Honey, you won't need a shotgun to get me in the hay", he said it was'nt for me but for the guys that will be "Pestering" me. AHHHHHHH..... aint that sweet! Got to luv'm. I still cant believe Im down 71 lbs. I have gone from 30/32 to a 22/24. I can even get into a 20 dress if its cut right! Had chicken for the first time today that stayed down. I chewed and chewed and it stayed down and didnt make me sick. Yippee! When its hot, all I want to do is drink. I hate to eat when its hot. I do alot of protein drinks and watermelon.
8-11-05
I hate plateaus, I hate them, I hate them. 2 weeks and nothing. I know its all my own fault though. I havent been drinking enough. I havent been eating or drinking enough. I have felt kind of rocky for the last couple of days. Called PCP and he ordered some lab tests, so we'll see whats up. Ive been craving carbs lately. Especially pasta or gnocchi. What I wouldnt give for perogies right now! Oh well...back to my protein drink and water! PS If you havent tried Blimpies tuna salad...its a must. Its the first tuna Ive been able to get down.
8-16-05
4 MONTHS POST OP TODAY and I'm at a plateau that won't break. Ive been at 274 for 3 weeks, and its beginning to really tick me off. This is the longest so far. I am hitting the gym and extra time a week and gone back to basics, but that damn scale won't budge. I may not be eating enough. I'll call Kathleen today and see if thats a possibility. Called Kathleen, of course with my luck, she's out of the office til the 23rd...crud!!!! Oh well, I'll mail Shell and see what she thinks. Have support group tonight so I'll ask around then too.
8-24-05
Well I asked around at support group about plateaus, and was informed that a plateau is "a period of at least 4 weeks without weight loss" anything else is a "stall". So I was just stalled. I was told that my body needed time to adjust to my need diet and activity routine. Well I bumped up the exercise and starting keeping my food journal again. Boy was I suprised to find out how many carbs I ws actually putting in. It was alot more than I thought. So....I cut back on carbs and cranked the protein. I try to keep carbs around 40 and the protein between 60-80. I exercise at the gym 3 days a week and walk or ride my bike the other days. The weight is coming off again. YIPPEE! I go to nutrition support today, and get my new food list. I think the food lists are ok as a guideline but its all trial and error. I can eat things I should'nt be able too yet and then there are things I should have been able to get down that I still can't eat...Go figure!!!
8-31-05
OH MY GOSH! I am only 18lbs from the century mark. I am 18 weeks out and have lost 82 lbs YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im feeling really good, unless I do something stupid like not drink enough or eat too fast. I have alot of enegry AND BEING SO CLOSE TO THE BIG 100 mark Ive been working out like crazy. I want to go to my next surgeon appt on the 22nd of Sept with a 100+ wt loss. That will blow his socks off!!! Im so thrilled I cant stand it.
September 2005 month 5 postop
9-8-05
Well ate too many carb, and havent been to gym in a week. Stalled again, go figure. It's true what they say about getting back to basics. It dosent take much to stall out. Ive been busy with scouts, but after this week it will get better. Brian starts school Monday and we'll all get abck into our routine again. YEH!!! 9-12-05 Below is an email I sent my best friend who struggles with her wt. (the test is one of those longivity tests) I did one of those kind of tests too preop. I just took another. With the wt loss and my NEW ATTITUDE, I added 12.5 years to my life!!! Thank you Jesus. It was funny when I saw my PCP on friday he asked ME on how to counsel obese people. 1st I told him no fat person likes hearing advise from a skinny person (how do you know what I go through, youve never been heavy thing) 2nd We've heard it all before and tried it all before. You HAVE to focus on the mental aspect. I found that my experience has been 90% mental 10% physical. Ive had to rethink my whole relationship with food. I cant bury feelings and boredom with food. I dont feel deprived anymore. If I want cheescake I have a bite or two. Same thing with everything else. I still have foods Id love to eat, but I know they arent good for me and will make me sick. I was so surprised that our Tea went down and stayed. Again, Thank you Jesus. I was so afraid that that joy would be taken from me. At the begining I felt like all my joy was gone. So much of my life centered on food. Now I have food as an accompaniment, not the center of life. 3rd You have to get off your butt and move! No more excuses. My wt stalls if I stop exercising for more than a day. I dont go crazy in the gym either. I go 2 days a week for about an hour. I wt train, swim and ride the recumbant bike. The other days I walk. I walk around our office bldg at lunch with a co worker and walk after dinner. Its a nice way to wind down the evening with the family. Heavy people are good with excuses. I had a million of them. But when it comes down to it... we're lazy. I never thought Id hear myself ever say a thing like that, but there it is. If I hadnt had surgery, I'd still be in my recliner or on the couch moaning about not being able to exercise because I hurt or Im tired or whatever else would work to rationalize my decision to not DO IT. The surgery gave me the head start and the tool to increase my exercise and force me to examine my NEED for food for other than fuel. Anough of the sermon. My sister says there is nothing more irratating than a reformed fat person. I think its because we have been there, done that and your not fooling us. Good luck on you decision to get healthy. Dont even consider it a diet. Its a way of life. Dont put something in your body that is toxic to it. If you know you have problem foods...treat them as you would poison. Before you eat ask "Is this the best choice I can make for my health" Preparedness is key. Try not to eat on the fly. always have a good source of protein at EVERY meal and limit carbs to 40 a day. You'd be surprised how fast you'll lose. Also take your Vits daily along with extra calcium. Dont take more than 600 at a time and be sure to get 1200-1400 a day. I love you and I know you can do it. But you need to stop buying the candy and chips and eat more veggies and fruit. ( I hear a ugh out there) Put yourself and your health first. Decide you are worthy of the time and effort to take care of yourself. BECAUSE YOU ARE!!!!
9-25-05
Well Im stressed at work, havent been to the gym and Im not getting all my water in. Guess what....I feel like crap and and Ive really slowed down in my wt loss. GO FIGURE!!!!! Back to basics. I accepted a new job, but havent been given a start date yet. I wont give notice til then. Im afraid to give 2 weeks as it will be unbearable working there afterward. Unfortunately I cant wait and see what they are going to do with our dept.. My husbands company is moving, and they dont know where, so my hubby could be looking too. I figured this opportunity popped up and was too good to let pass. I need some stability right now.
October 2005 month 6 postop
10-9-05
I HIT THE CENTURY MARK!!!!! I started my new job and love it. I havent been to the gym recently, but I am on the move at work all day. Ive been doing the "10,000" steps a day thing and I get that in at work alone. I do a little wt training at home though. I can eat more too. Though I still get sick if I eat too fast or eat the wrong thing for me. I would love a big juicey hamburger though!!! But talk about instant barf!!!! This last weekend Ive been beat. I slept almost all day yesterday, and napped 3 hours today. I may bump up the vitamins and see if that helps the fatigue.
November 2005
11-7-05
I am finally feeling like my old self but thinner, happier, healthier and more self confident. I finally weigh less than my husband YIPPEE !!!!. I am down from 345 to 233 in 6 1/2 months. down from a size 32 to an 18/20 (could wear a smaller size if it werent for the skin folds I have to tuck in) cant wait to stablize at goal so I can see the plastic surgeon!!!!
11-12-05
Scary thing now is I'm able to eat more and some sugary foods dont bother me. Halloween candy has got to go!!!! I still get sick if I eat to fast or dont chew well, THANK GOD. I REALLY have a hard time getting my liquids in. I got really stopped up and knew it was because I wasnt drinking enough. Im hoping to be under 200 at New Years, not holding my breath, but It would be a great Xmas present to myself!!!!
11-28-05
Thanksgiving was great. I eat a little of everything and filled up pretty quick. I ate all weekend and was shocked to see I lost 7 pounds!!! I have been trying to break one of many plateaus. Maybe Im not eating ENOUGH?!?!? Oh well whatever it takes. Im at 225, 120 from high wt and 65 from goal.
Well since OH somehow lost all my post op post posting Im starting over. Im down from 345 pre op to 209 a total of 136 gone!!!!
March 2006
3-4-06
I am really frustrated with the lack of wt loss. However, I know what the problem is and cant see a way through it right now. I cant get to the gym enough and Im grazing. GOT TO STOP THE GRAZING.
3-10-06
Having fun with family and realizing how much I missed being heavy. I take for granted now things I couldn't do before. Like running after my son and the dog, and walking all over the mall and not stopping to rest or EAT!!!
3-18-06
Well still not under 200 DAMN!!!! I really wanted to be under 200 for my birthday...which is in 2 days. I think I'll go to the gym this morning. I only have 7 lbs to go but I cant get them off !!!!! I have been really stressed lately and I see old eating patterns creeping back. I have to get back to non emotional eating and drinking all my water first.
April 2006 1 Year Post op
April 4
I cant believe its been almost a year. I still cant get below 200!!!! I hate this.....I have really had a problem with gas pain lately. Almost feels like a heart attack. It can stop me dead in my tracks.
May 2006
5-7-06
I gained 4 lbs and I am totally hating life right now. I know why though...binged on high carb crap and now Im paying for it. I felt like crap but did it any way go figure?!!? I was trying to really watch it too. I have an appointment with a plastic surgeon tues to see what I can do about the gut flab and the droopy thighs. I can live with the saggy boobs and baggy butt, but the gut and inner thighs are making moving difficult and finding clothes hard. I could probably lose 15 lbs of lower body fat alone.
May 24 2006
Well I get my tummy tuck on June 27th YIPPEE!!!!!! Totally covered by insurance too. They wont pay for the lower body lift I wanted, but hey, a little is better than nothing!!!!! I will probablt get a hernia repair at the same time UGH!!!!
Cant wait!!!!
June 2006
Have my Tummy tuck/hernia repair scheduled for the 27th. Cant wait
6-27-06
Off to get the new me. Only thing worrying me is my lack of help post op. See you on the other side.
6-30-06
ONEDERLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 2006
7-1-06
What a nightmare.... Surgery was fine but he hospital care was horrible. I will never set foot inside St. Joseph Orange again if I can help it. I was left on the toilet with no call button for 40 minutes, given wrong meds, not given pain meds when ordered, ignored and all kinds of fun stuff. My husband and I finally got the administration involved and they brought me flowers and swore it would be better...HA. Dont piss off the nursing staff is all I can say. I barely got a civil word out of anyone after the brass left. My surgeon was furious that his orders werent followed too.
7-10-06
Totally jonesing for chai latte right now. Cant wait til I can drive.
7-19-06
Doing real well. Hate the binder but not wearing it is worse. The heat is killing me, but oh well. Oh course now that I have a relatively flat tummy again, it puts everything else out of porportion. However, I dont know if I want to go through more surgery. I sure didnt want more after WLS, so maybe next year I'll do the thighs or arms... who knows! Im thrilled with what I have now. Im in a size 14-16 which was my goal and Im content. Flabby in places..but content.
07-29-06
To date I am off all meds. I do have boughts of hypoglycemia, but that can be attributed to lack of calorie intake. I have no great fluctuations in reading but do test regularly to be sure. I do have boughts of depression, due to changing body image, and interpersonal dynamics, but have opted not to medicate. I get through and Im fine.
To date (18 months post op) I have transferred my addiction to shopping for new clothes and beauty products. WHile this has yet to become a problem, I can see trouble on the horizen. I pay cash, but my husband thinks Im overdoing it. I do crave carbs!!!! But I think that is natural for our bodys to crave quick energy for possible retreat. I think anyone who was/is diabetic will also have those concerns. The trick is to eat smart carbs. Stay away from processed carbs...baked goods, candy etc. If I need a carb fix I usually have a 1/4c bowl of oatmeal with raisins or cranberries with splenda and cream (3 tbsp). Its got fiber and iron and its comfort food for me. THIS is not a daily or even weekly treat. I eat lots of fruit and veggies, and have to be sure to get my 100 grams of protein daily. I am not losing very much anymore, but I am still losing a little and am happy where I am. If it werent for the flabby skin Id be PERFECT!!!
Aug 29 2006
I feel so good!!!! I am still clinically overweight but not obese. I really dont want to lose more. Firm uo, YES, but not lose. I am so thrilled at myself now. I feel so confident and walk different now. Head up, shoulders back and eys forward. I got a size 12 shrug for a formal I bought, which was a 16, That wa my personal goal...to be in a 16. I look too thin any smaller. It's such a hoot to have people say "Oh Carol, dont lose anymore...you'll just disapeer"
Loving IT
November 2006
It's been awhile.... I have had such a full life lately. I do SOOOOO much more than I used to. I have stablized at 185 and am perfectly happy at that weight. I dont have to diet really, just make sure I dont eat the wrong things. I dont have to work out all the time either. It's so hard to find the time. I am so active with my son and other goings on that the gym seems redundant. I am looking forward to the holidays and have a new lease on life.
I do have occasional problems with shakiness and palpatations, but I believe that to be related to dehydration. I still have a problem getting all my water in. Besides, Ive become a Starbucks junkie. Non fat Chai 3 times a week at least. Oh well ...have to have a vice or two, why else keep on living.
I have found that addictive personalities will trade one for another. Food, then shopping, then ..... well I havent found the next one yet LOL