cmadere

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I am having lots of those lately it seems. I hate feeling like all I do is complain. My eating habits suck...I really have to learn to see food as it is, instead of a comfort, or instead of something I hate.

My 401k check, which was supposed to catch up our bills, is not coming. I have to resubmit everything again, b/c of ONE thing we did not include in the application, that the application did not even state was needed. I called them, and they are so way NOT understanding.

There are other things, I can't go into that are making things bad too.

I work tonight, and hopefully that will turn out to be a good thing, and help me take my mind off of things. Even though I hate my job.

Wow, I read this, and even I am sick of listening to me.

lol

I am BACK!!!!!!!!! I have decided that the support of my Julyers is so important to me. We have been through literal thick and thin together, at the same moment in time. I missed you all. It is so good to come back on here, and see the same familiar faces, only smaller now...lol.
My profile pic looks funny, someone made my face look skinnier than I am. lol If there is anyone who can help me with this, please tell me. 
My latest struggles deal with my perception of who I am vs. who I should be. I weigh 130 on most days, sometimes down to 125 and sometimes up to 132. This is ok with me, it's just I start panicking when I can eat a whole sandwhich. I still have struggles with head hunger, which leads to thoughts of "I should just not eat." I exercise religiously for the most part, putting in 4 miles most days. If I don't exercise, I panic.
On others sides, my family is awesome. I have the best kids. I love them so much, sure they misbehave, but that is usually a result of not getting enough attention. I find when I give them what we all need, more and more love...it is so much better for them. I come from a background of hurt, and pain. I don't want them to ever go through that. My marriage is an up and down thing. I Love Scott so much. I worry about him. HIs health is a constant question to me. He can't keep up with me now, sleeps all the time, still smokes like a chimney and suffers from illnesses that can't be figured out. I think he is depressed. I struggle with depression too, but it is mainly related to when we are behind on our bills. I have a new found determination, to get ahead, and stay ahead. I am just not sure if I can do it alone. So I hope he cheers up.
There have always been issues with us that we have had to overcome.
But overcome, we always have.
I love you, Honey.
Weight 130 Loss to date 120

Ok, Saturday, Scott told me to call in sick and go on a date with him to one of his clients Christmas parties. It is the same one we go to every year. Well, I dressed up in black pants and a black/red top (pretty), and my chocolate colored leather cropped jacket. Oh, yeah and black dress boots. Well, Scott kept looking at me like I was from another planet, and finally I asked him what was up. He told me, "you are so beautiful, and I am so jealous cuz all the guys in here are looking at you." Well, that shocked me, cuz he is not one to let loose with the compliments. That was nice. Well, he danced a little, but I kept trying to pull him on the dance floor for fast songs, and he kept saying no unless he really liked the song. I think he just gets embarassed. Me, I LOVE to dance. When music is on, I CAN'T STOP dancing. It's just in me, ya know. They had this song on called "baby got back" and I was dancing...
A GIRL came up behind me and grabbed my hips and said, come on baby shake them hips, and then she was rubbing on me. I was like SCOTT, HELLO!!!!! Yeah, he didn't even see. When I told him about it, he was like NO WAY. I mean, sure the guys were trying to dance with me, that I can handle, but a GIRL?
LOL, it was funny.
After that we went next door to a karaoke thing, and I sang Keith Urban "Tonight I wanna cry." I thought I sucked, but people told me I ought to do that more often. lol
Um...overall it was a fun night.

so I am making it private again. Well, not completely private, but that's ok. You see inside of me anyway.
Ok, onto my diary:
Lord, I thank You for the invention of Wellbutrin. lol. But, it in and of itself, is not enough. I must place my Faith in You, for that is what every good foundation is based on. Yesterday was another moody day. Just could not get started. I did some online shopping for Christmas...did not actually buy anything...but you get the picture. Scott made me make a list of gifts, how much we are spending on each kid, and on each family member. Christmas is so depressing. It is not about this. It is not supposed to be about this. It's not even His real birthday...it is so evil to practice these habits. Every time I suggest this, that we should not make it about how many presents we buy...that it's too commercial...I am told how right I am. But then, when it comes down to it, we always fall into the same trap. 
Anyway, about the moodiness: could not get going, once I did get going, all I could think about was how much I hate living in Louisiana, how I want to get away from here...and go ANYWHERE but here, just to start over. Not really ANYWHERE, but anywhere with my family. And then that brings me to Bridgette...she won't be moving with us. She will stay in Louisiana at whatever college she ends up in (hopefully LSU). Should I stay here because of that? I really need to get out of here, away from bad memories, bad influence, and bad environment.
While I was thinking about all of this, I was driving around. I do that alot. Yeah, love those GAS prices. lol. I ended up at Scott's work. It was around 4:30, and he was about to get off of work. I needed to be there, and to see if he was there for me. He was finishing up some work, but he was so sweet to me. I told him I needed my uterus removed bc of my hormones, told him I didn't want to go to any more doctors, that I felt like an out of control bitch, that I hated my job and didn't want to go there anymore ever again (lol like that is gonna happen), that I needed to hide away in a closet away from the world...yeah he looked at me funny on that one. But over all, he was kind and understanding. I left there, and drove home with tears streaming down my cheeks and blurring my vision the whole way. I keep thinking about how there is really NOBODY I can talk to for real. I don't trust ANYONE completely but my Lord. Good thing the Lord was driving :).
I got home, and hugged all three of my kids and listened to some Christmas music. Some O Holy Night and such. It helped. And I prayed while I cooked. Then we watched "HOUSE MD,"  I took a bath, talked to Bridgette, and Scott and I went to bed. And it seems he DOES know I am alive...
My Body: oh Hell. I am so tired of worrying about my body. This surgery was a blessing! Why must I continue to worry that I will gain weight? I weigh 129-130 still...but I feel so fat. I am praying about this daily. I still eat, but it's about my image of my body. I know I look great, it's wierd. But I feel like it is the ONLY thing in my life I am in control of. So, I walk to control my body, I run to control my body, I eat to control my body. It is not out of hand, I am not anorexic or bulemic...I am just in Control. ???
I have been thinking alot lately about how people let others control them, whether it be through the mind, or physical sense of control.  I think we are all guilty of this, but am thankful the Lord shows me this. The only problem with this right now, is the fact that others try to make decisions in my life for ME...decisions that really should be left up to me. I am the one who knows my heart, and what my heart can handle...I can make that decision. And then, there are so many things that people do, things that are unfair to my heart. My Love...well, the Love God has given me is a love that is enduring, open, not second-guessing type of love. I don't tend to hold back my feelings, and I think I am wrong in this thinking, bc I think, in the long run, that is what will hurt me. I need to be stronger in this area. I really don't need anyone else to be strong in who I am, bc God made me complete in Him. Thank you Lord for doing that, bc this world is full of sin, full of pain.
I am thankful for the Love you give me, and do not really know what the future holds. 
...I am confident that Jesus is the One holding it though.

I'm strong, but I break.
I'm stubborn, and I make plenty of mistakes.
I'm hard, and life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love, I'm jaded but I'm so lonely.
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me, maybe, maybe

Someday when we're at the same place,
When we're on the same road,
When it's okay to hold my hand without feeling lost.
Well I know all the excuses,
When it's just because

You love me, you let me, you need me, maybe, maybe

All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me, maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell.
Yeah I'm north and I'm south.
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you.
And I promise I'll try,
I'll try to give you every little part of me.
Every single detail you missed with your eyes.
Then maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, maybe, maybe

One day, we'll be together you'll need me, you'll see me compeltely.
Every little thing, you'll need me, you'll love me, you'll love me

I don't want to be tough,
and I don't wanna be proud.
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found.
I'm not lost, I need to be loved, I just need to be loved.
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop
Cause I believe that maybe yeah maybe.

Maybe you need me,
Maybe
I should know better not to touch the fire twice
but I'm thinking maybe, well, maybe not
Love maybe.

Nobody really cares anyway. Feelings are just something that bounce around inside of a person, affecting that person only...except for the rare moment when that person cannot house those feeligs alone anymore, and then they explode. That is the equivalent of a temper tantrum, or a bitchy mood, or whatever it manifests as on that day. I have figured it out. Nobody really cares if I am happy, sad, angry, indifferent, hopeful, hopeless. 
It is up to me to care. And right now, I just don't have the energy to care. I am sad, and angry. And I don't care. That is just how I am. I am crying, and I feel the tears on my cheek, and I don't care. Actually, I DO care. And it's the fact that I DO care that is making me angry.
I SO want to NOT care.
I SO want to just hate the world.
I SO want to just say screw it all.
But I can't.
And it really pisses me off.
I am being loyal to someone who really just does not care.
I Love someone who really just give me a second thought as they pass through their day.
I want to say I deserve better, but who am I kidding?
I don't.
NONE of us deserve anything better.
HE deserves better. My Lord deserves better. He died for me, and here I am complaining that I deserve better.
Who the hell am I, and who do I THINK I am to think I deserve better?
I need a freakin shoulder to cry on right now, and I don't have one.
NOBODY understands, or has time to care.
I need my freakin Wellbutrin.
And yeah, I gained a freakin 2 pounds because of finals.
Yes, I am blaming FINAL EXAMS.
Why? Because I can!

LOL. Yeah, C'est la vie. Anywho, I have been thinking...no it doesn't hurt.
Although I have been having headaches from hell, maybe that is why. Has anyone else out there lost all this weight, only to have their husbands act like they don't exist? Just a question. At first it didn't bother me, ya know a phase or whatever...but now, it is starting to piss me off. I look in the mirror, and I think I am pretty cute. I also KNOW for a fact that I am funny as hell, and lots of fun to be with. I also know that I am a deeply emotional person, capable of having stimulating, intelligent conversations.
So, what gives?
I am also like, 7 years younger than him, so he's got like a hot younger woman now.
Geez...
Oh well, who needs men anyway?
My kids are enough for me. Heather's birthday was yesterday. WE ARE having her party on Sunday. I work Thursday and Saturday nights. Friday is her dress rehearsel, and Scott can't go cuz he has school. I will be there though.
Bridgette is gearing up for her ACT test Saturday, which I am sure she will soar through. She is concerned about her GPA not being good enough for LSU, b/c there is a discrepancy as to what classes they are including. I am so proud of her for trying so hard this year, and I told her to not worry, she will make it to where she is supposed to be. And my Joshua. He is my little man that is for sure. He is doing well in school this year. He has changed so much this past year, from a depressed young man, to a young man full of hope and much easier to redirect to the positives. And ALL the little girls are after him. lol
I have a beautiful family.
My husband just needs to realize I am alive.
lol
Oh well, at least I KNOW I am alive.

Things have been stressful lately, to say the least. Thank God I have things in life that let me know I have things that are good. My children, for one, and friends...
Although friends seem to be changing...
I don't know who is real to me anymore. Who are my friends, REALLY? I don't trust anyone. But that is for another story...
After everything that has happened these past few years, I have truly come out of it a better person. I, once again, see the beautiful person God created, underneath all the fat I tried to hide it under. Questions keep coming to me at work, from co-workers. Questions like: "Wow what does your husband say?" and "your husband must be all over you, like white on rice..." They look at me, and wait for a reply.
And all they get from me, is a blank stare.
He ISN'T all over me like white on rice. In fact, the other day, at MY doctor's appointment, he asked for Viagra.
I KNOW I am beautiful, not to be conceited. But HELLO. He is my husband.
Am I blind? Maybe I am not as pretty as I thought.
Hell, maybe i am ugly.

Nothing scares me anymore. My friends, so much has happened in life...and I am unfazed now. I am, what? 32 years old...I think? Anyway, I know who is in control in life and I know where I am headed. Thanks to going through loads in my LONG life, and my Lord never abandoning me, I have nothing to fear.
I wake up every day, EAGER to start my day.
I am a Beautiful, Intelligent, Sexy, EDUCATED, Vibrant, Healthy, Loving, Creative Woman who is not ONLY a career woman, but also lucky enough to be a mother to THREE beautiful children. I am their MOM. That is irreplaceable.
My husband loves me, and I love him.
But even if he didn't, the difference between me today, and what I used to be yesterday, is THIS:
Tomorrow, If I were alone, I would still know WHO I  AM.
And I cherish that.
Because that is so much more, than what some are able to say.
Thank you God, for the gift of self-worth.

LOL, as I was running and cleaning my house today...I got to thinking about how funny people are...and naturally that led to how funny men are..
well, here's the result of that:

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men...

 He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass...
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine...
He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes...
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.