cruelirony
After my Mother died at only 52 - it was a huge wake up call.
She was healthy, thin & she ate well - though she always struggled with her weight. She was never even close to as fat as me... and she died. I just don't wnat my kids to feel like I feel losing her. So I talked to my doctor and tried a bunch of diets and I actually gained weight. UGH! Medicine, tests, doctor after doctor - steady gaining weight.
I'm not a binge eater, I wasn't even a poor eater, but I lead a terribly stressful life and food wasnt a priority. I remember seeing myself in the reflection of a store window and crying. Somehow over the years I had managed to eliminate all the full length mirrors in my home and it was a shock to see myself. How miserable I had become. It's no wonder I am in pain every day.. I'm carrying around at least one whole other human in weight on my body, if not two.
People would call me fat and I would scoff at them, I'm not fat I have ankles and elbows, I don't have rolls anywhere but my belly, it's babyfat (my kids are 11 & 13 you can see how silly this is). Bottom line - I'm fat. Dangerously unhealthy and I don't want to become the woman that they have to take a wall off the house to get her out. I don't want to be a prisioner to food any more. I want to be there for my kids without being in pain and I don't want them to be embarrassed of me. I don't want to be embarrassed of me.
I'm tired of me saying to someone that I am fat and they are like no.. b#tch yes!, yes I am. Then they respond with something like, but you're so pretty - "I didnt say I was ugly... damn" .. it's like you can't be both things. I'm tired of crying. Feeling shame. Feeling like I'm being judged when I eat food...or walk slow... or rest in the store while shopping... Everyone judges.
It's been so long that I have been going through the doctor monitored diet and exercise program and I have had successes and set backs throughout the medical testing. I'm eager for the surgery to actually happen and get on to feeling better. People don't realize what and emotional roller coaster that you are on. It's like you aren't allowed to feel bad because you "did this to yourself" - I am happy to be a part of this community and to know that there are others that feel the same as me and are experiencing the same things as me and that we can actually be kind and be there for one another.
I wish you all abundant blessings - you are welcome to add me on facebook (facebook.com/jensthechitt) just send me a message and let me know that you are.
