Pastor di
My name is Dianne Carolyn Matthews, I am a mother of two and a grandmother of 4 girls. I am married to a wonderful man that is incarcerated, but still wonderful indeed and I look forward to him coming home soon. I am a minister, I also am a Pastor. Being obese has been a struggle, especially when it looks like you are growing and you cannot stop with every passing year you get bigger and bigger. I really get upset when I think about the different cycles I have been through in life. In my twenties, I was an emotional eater. I ate to celebrate anything, I also ate when I was down and depressed. I found such wonderful comfort in food. I would not just eat anything, I had certain foods that made me happy. Mexican food always made me happy and still does when I think about it. I had my little foods to make me feel good. I can remember having this habit of going to Dunkin Donuts getting a dozen variety donuts getting in my bed eating them all until all I could do was pass out. There was the pound bag of M & M 's and the pound bars of Hershey's chocolate with Almonds, let's not forget the 6pk of Snickers and the case of Pepsi's per day. I can remember this was my thing from age 19 to age 22. By the time I had my first child, it was just the Snickers, Pepsi's and Mexican food. I just did not have to have as much because I was busy with the baby. I no longer could focus on me. I went from being a 17 year old college student weighing 126 pounds to 226lb at age 22 when I got pregnant. By the time I was 26 and pregnant with my second child I was 275lbs and remained there throughout my pregnancy. I started losing a little weight after that, and as always, gained it back. I struggled with my weight from then on, with every job change, 50 to 60 pounds. I really began to pay attention when I hit the 300lb mark and tried unsuccessfully numerous times to lose the weight. I played the yoyo games many times and finally when I reached 365, I vowed to myself, I was not going to try to lose any more just concentrate on not gaining anymore. I stopped the binge eating. When I reached 465lbs I was devastated, I started again doing various things to get the weight off, it just kept coming back, I was at 485lb. In May of 2000 I was in a fix and was trying to get disabiltiy because I new that I could not go on anymore like I was and I could not work, I went to the doctor and weighed I was shocked I weigh 453lbs I had lost weight without any effort, I had no money so that meant no fast food. I felt better and went back to work only to start feeling really bad about 9 months into the job. The job was closing and I would soon be out of work again at the end of one year of employment. I found a new job. I was doing well, only had 30 min lunch no fast food. I fell on the job and my health went down hill and in the middle of all that I found out I weighed over 500lbs. This really got next to me. I then new I had been 500lbs this is what I was experiencing at the last job. I was gaining an gaining I don't know how much I gained but after being off for 2 years and trying to take care of myself I realized that I must have gain a bunch maybe up to 550. I also know that I must have lost some, I started feeling better and I finally went back to work. I admit that work is hard for me. I have a hard time getting from the car to the building to the time clock to the desk back to the time clock and out the building to the car. I have so much responsibility a very little help I knew I had to do something to help myself. I looked around my job and I saw all the women that had surgery and all but one has been successful and reported that they all would do it over again. I knew I had to check it out. Here I am.
AUGUST 5,2004
This journey is beginning to really get to me. I guess the statement that anything worth having is worth fighting for. I am trying to gather up all the doctors I have seen over the past 2 years to get me letters explaining the "medically necessary and appropiate" that my insurance denied me for. How can you possible deny a 527lb woman a WLS saying it is not medically necessary or appropriate. I wrote them back saying I am the size of 5 small woman or 3to 4 average women or 2 obese women. I get hot just thinking about it. Catching up with doctors is a lot harder than I thought. Meanwhile, I decided to look into some other options. Medicare kicks in for me September 1, so I found a doctor that accepts medicare, I will give his office a call. I also emailed info to Baylor Weight Mgmt program they called me about a meeting 082604 then when I mention United denied me waiting on Medicare they transferred me to some other woman and I got a voice mail, she called me back and I told her what happened, she informed me that she kept up with all medicare claims since medicare just announce what they will be doing with weight loss surgery. She told me that if United denied me medicare will not pick it up. I needed to call medicare and ask. This sunk me into an all time low. I felt so bad after that conversation, I could not get it together. I finally lifted my head, read my medicare book and no where in the book does it say anything like that, so I will call them and I will look at the 2nd option I was thinking about. I really wanted DR. Alexander to do this surgery, but with the denial and his unsupportive staff it just does not look good. I will call Dr Dirk Rodriguez, he is closer to me, more convenient and I have read and heard very good things about him and he accepts medicare. If I can just keep my head!!! I will be alright, I need this to be a quick process to. Everyday I feel just a little worse than the day before. Well now is time for a good dose of patience and faith to go to work.
August 11,2004
Hello all! I have been reading some profiles and I must admit, it really lets you know that you are not alone in this, there are others with the sames goals, same struggles. I find it encouraging to see those who have to fight the insurance companies for what they what. I feel I am in a real battle. I am making appointment with Doctors just to get these letters together to get an appeal. Meanwhile I have called Dr. Rodriguez to verify they take medicare. I was told yes they do and the took my name and number and said the person that handles new patients would contact me in 1 to 5 business days. I felt good for that minute. I am a procrastinator and I do not like having to go round and round with anyone for what I want. I have never liked having to fight for any right or for anything I wanted. I guess this is a new level for me in my faith. I have always believed that with new levels comes new devils.
I just want this thing to move forward, I am so ready for a fresh new start. I am so ready for a new beginning. I will be 45 years old this month. I would like for this to be the beginning of another 45 year journey, not like it was but like it should be. I want to live out my life with the purpose that God intended for me, not the one I settled for. I am so grateful and thankful to the Lord for allowing me an opportunity. I realize that I have so much opposition in my life. I see so many smiles, so many cheering me on, but so many don't really mean it. I believe that we should be around people who celebrate us and not just tolerate us. I seem to always be around the tolerating group. Usually they stick around for something I have to offer them, and because of anything else. I realize that these feelings I have, have nothing to do with my weight.
Moving on, so much is going on in my life,and my house and I personally feel sick. I just want to sleep and that is just not happening. My mother is in the hospital and to be honest I really don't know for what. I hear what they are saying but I am to "feeling this". I have told my father to look into Parkinson Disease, because with everything I have seen and all I have read. I believe that is what is going on with her. Unfortunately,I have no voice. My father is not listening and he thinks just because he mentioned it to the doctor and the doctor cannot see her trembling out of control, he won't consider it. I told my father that she had to be examined my a neurologist to be sure. I could scream people don't listen. I just pray. I have 2 grown children at home both unemployed but looking and 4 grandchildren ages 2,3,4,7 I really want to scream. I feel terrible everyday and the truth is I cannot afford to be sick because everybody needs me. Life is a trip. At least the one I lead is a trip. I have always been to everybody's rescue but I realize that I am in this thing by myself. I hear the concerns of my family and friends they are so on my side but I will not hold my breath and wait on any of them to show up. Every big decision I every made I was alone, Every life changing thing that ever happen to me I was alone and this thing when it comes to past (and it will) I will be alone unless my Husband comes home. So much for me standing on my soap box crying loud. I look forward to another day tomorrow to do it all over again but better. Have a God one!
August 19. 2004
Well it is 1:13am. I am a work, kinda quiet not alot to do, no calls, so I thought I would update my profile. I saw my psychologist today. My intentions was to get a letter from hear to help with my appeal. To be honest, I just have not been feeling this appeal thing, and the real deal is to wait on September 1, 2004 and go with the medicare thing. Funny that the very first surgeon recommended to me was Dr. Dirk Rodriguez and he was recommended to me by my supervisor who had the surgery. I should have followed my mind then. My doctor recommend Alexander and heck I can't even get to my doctor to get a letter to fight appeal. Anyway, I saw Dr. Wright today and we talk about the appeal and the process and Alexander and I was going to keep Rodriguez out of the conversation, and she said to me there is a doctor closer to you with a real good program named Rodriguez. I started spilling my guts and before long I was saying I am going to drop the appeal and wait on him and I will be back for another pscy eval from you. We agreed talked about what has happen since my last visit a year ago and what is going to happen when I have this surgery and it was a nice long uplifting hour. I left that office feeling pretty good about the process, even the wait. She gave me alot to think about. How others or going to see me and treat me. How I have to stay focus, how I cannot allow myself to get caught up and distracted by the drama I always get caught into. Dr. Wright did not miss a beat and I thank her for being so preceptive. I really have to prepare myself for the events coming up.
Well there are several things going on. School has started which kinda helps with the noise level in the house for a person that works overnight. I am hoping that my daughter goes to work and that will put the youngest kid in daycare and the next kid I will take care of daycare and that will make peace in the house for certain.
I was in prayer about my children and their future and the Lord gave me insight on how to help them and motivate them to become sucessful. I cannot wait. Too long they have been unproductive and perhaps depressed about there position. I know that they envy me. One even may have a little jealousy and possibly blames me for her shortcomings. They say it with there attitudes I may be fat, and lack a whole lot of stuff, but my mind still lets me bring home the money. I don't think about it, I just thank God about it. I am grateful that He has given me the key to get somethings moving for my family so they can get on with their lives, because I am getting on with mine.
I call Dr. Rod office left message for Judy to call me back, no call back yet. I will call again on tomorrow to see if I can get with her. If I can just get the info in the mail and schedule a date for September it will be good. I need to move forward, I would love to be having this surgery before the end of September. It is do-able, possible. I feel like I lost half of July and all of August time to make up. I want to see a difference in me by the end of the year and looking at the research for a person my size 100 to 150 is a possible by the end of the year if we can get this show on the road. Wish full thinking. Getting enough off of me so I can start walking will be a good thing for me. That is 75 to 100 pounds for me to be able to move. I will take what I can get. I just need to get something. I just look forward to some definites.
I have decided to give myself a birthday celebration, I am looking forward to it, this is the last year I plan to spend as a morbidly obese person. By my next birthday I am looking forward to significant differences. I have come to realize that I deserve to live a better quality life because God says so. I want be taking this lightly. My future looks bright! Until next time, hopefully I will be able to report some definites. I think it is time for me to remove Dr Alexander name I don't see him doing my surgery. I really look forward to hearing for Dr. Rod office he has a great after-care and support group and Dr. Wright was all for the support group. We will see.
August 20,2004
I had a breakthrough today. I finally heard from Judy at Dr. Rodriguez office. She took my information down and gave step by step what to do. I was so happy. My day was made. She told me that things are looking up with Medicare they don't do a pre-determination you have to submit after Surgery, but with the laws changing are looking at obesity as a disease and things are getting better, however when looking a comorbidities they really look at diabetes and hypertension which I do not claim either. I explained that eventhough I have been under doctors care for almost 3 years for falling at work. Workers compensation and that really just means that I have not had a thorough check up since 1999 before my hernia repair. I did have a some visits with a doctor in 2001, since then I have not had any test run and I let her know the other week I visited a doctor because I had sinusitis and my blood pressure was higher than ever and just on the borderline of being high. She told me to make and appoint with doctor in September get letter stating surgery needed, also need test for cholestrol, sugar, thyroid, sleep study, I will go ahead an get the psychological in the I plan to get the whole workout if I can the EKG EGD and a stress test so we can get this party started. I am so ready. I call her when I get this. So I will be calling Dr. Windsor tomorrow to see how he can help me and get this ball rolling. The doctors I have are tied to United Health Insurance, I ain't tryin' to deal with them. I am so happy I could dance. dance. dance. I will be so glad when I can spend quality time dancing.
September 01,2004
Well I am at work at it is 1:54am I am excited today, my medicare kicks in so I can have my surgery. I have already got the heads up from Judy at Dr. Rodriguez's office about what she needs from me. I finally got a hold of my Chiropractor Dr. Windsor,I told him to find me a doctor who would take medicare and get the test I needed for me. So I have an appointment Thursday 9/2 at the clinic where Windsor is practicing out of. My chiropractor is a trip I love him and I admit I have had to follow him all over the metroplex cause he seems to have issues and can't stay no where long. But I would meet him on a street corner to get him to manipulate me. Can't nobody do it like Dr. Windsor. He has issues. I wish he would get an office and I would help him for free, he needs to get organized. Hopefully tomorrow I will be on my way to getting the much needed test so I can get my consult. The good thing and could be the bad thing is you don't have to wait on medicare to approve they approve after surgery not before. To be sure they approve you have to have all your ducks in a row. So I am getting excited and I am thinking that it won't be long after the consult to wait for the surgery. God I am looking so very forward to getting this party started. I owe this to myself. I have abuse myself so very long. Forgive me Lord. I need so very much to get this part of my life in order. To be out of balance is awful. It's like riding on a tire that has a knot. You are moving and making progress but the ride is uncomfortable and you know it is messing up something else on the car, and pretty soon it is going to blow. That is the way I feel, moving and making progress, but not at the speed I could and I know I am reeking havoc on my body and pretty soon I am just going to blow if things don't change. Change, Ah what a wonderful word. Change for me is just around the corner and I cannot wait. I am so excited. I am not going to let nothing absolutely nothing, get in my way.
I am so enjoying the Christianity Board and BAF. It is so uplifting. I feel like these are old friends. The funny things is I don't know them but I feel like I do. It seems strange but some of the people on the boards I can feel a kindred spirit. I can read their post and I feel something deep in my spirit. I have had wonderful laughs and I have had to cry some as well. I have definitely had to pray and I enjoy praying for others it keeps me humble and busy and keeps me from being caught up in stuff I have no business in. I appreciated the warms receptions I get from the people of God on the board. Everyone is kind. I don't hardly post on the main board don't read much either, not my thing. Sometimes I look and pray for those posting their. It is sad sometimes. I thank God for the positive and the men and women of faith that post there.
Monday was my 45th birthday 08/30 I had a wonderful day. I took off work last Friday and Saturday I am off Sunday and Monday. I just needed a break. I have only been working since 030804, off the last 2 years and I am exhausted. I cannot I believed I have worked like this all my life. I digress, I got up early, went to try to get my air condition fixed, to no avail it is still not working. My guy was stuck. Could not find the problem, thank God I work overnight and can stay in most of the time during the day. Me and Texas heat are not friends at all. I aint gone be able to do it! I have to get out Thursday to go to the doctor otherwise I will be in the house until I can get it to someone else. I digress again. I took myself to breakfast, it was wonderful, saw my guy about the car, I went to my favorite bakery on the other side of heaven :) from my house and I got me a delicious chocolate cake. The Casa Linda bakery, I think they have the best cakes in Dallas, not the best decorated but the best flavor, there decorations are pretty simple but nice. The aroma from the butter when you walk in the bakery does something to me everytime. I decided I may never have this opportunity again. I got my cake looked at the bakery and said Good bye Casa Linda. I have helped keep you in business some 22 years but this may be the last time you see me. I was not sad, I was happy. I was on my way back to my neck of the woods when I saw my dad called. I called him back. Listen to his whoa is me story and told him I was a few minutes from the house I would stop by and drop off something for him. Stopped by and listen to his song and dance about his life and all his troubles. He is 76 years old my mother is temporarily in a nursing home for therapy and he just admitted my 90 year old grandmother in the nursing home so he can dedicate his time to helping my mother. He is not feeling good about his decision and because I am not saying anything about it or anything else he says, he ain't feeling me and don't know where I stand so he is all crazy about it. Well my dad is a manipulating control freak who does not listen to anything anybody or shall I say, he does not listen to me. I finally figured this out when my mom got sick and he is so interested in the opinion of my sister in Amsterdam and my brother in Ohio and I am in the same city. He has told me over and over again that I needed to think and worry about my ownself and that I could not help anyone, I was in no shape to help anyone, but the truth be told he was not interested in what I could offer. It took the Lord to tell me he was right, just not the way he meant it. I could hear the Lord telling me it was time to focus on me and let everybody else handle there on situations after all it was there situations and not mine. Moving on, I did not open my mouth to say anything about what he was going through, told him it was my birthday and I had plenty to do. He was ashamed because he did not remember and tried to apologize, I told him it was not necessary (unlike him) I don't trip about people forgetting my birthday I spent my life going through that, I was use to it. I spend my time thanking the Lord for a birthday, far more important to me that He remember me than anyone else. My dad agreed and we parted company, I then got caught up running and errand for him by picking up my aunt dropping her off at the nursing home to see my mother and grandmother. I was not going. I could not make that long walk down the halls, still hurting from last week when I twisted my knee going down to see my grandmother. I did stop by the store picked up a few things to make my dinner. Went home and with God's blessings got my living room and kitchen cleaned up to where I was please with the results. I guess sometimes no matter what others do for you it is not right until you do it. I grilled some steaks and shrimp and I grilled some fruit and corn and we had a lovely dinner. My two kids and my four grand girls and it was a wonderful birthday to me. I miss my husband, I look so very forward to him being here with me and for me. He has been locked up for along time. We have a crazy marriage. I married him in 1986 and I did not need a husband no more than I needed a hole in my head. I was 27 I just wanted to be married before 30. So I met him through my bestfriend (who is now deceased)He was a friend of a friend she told me he was in prison, I was not interested in him. She said he just wanted someone to write, I told her no. She gave him my address anyway. He wrote told me all about himself. I ignored his letters, he was persistant, I picked up one corrected the spelling and told him, if he was going to write me, learn how to spell, I was impressed the next letter was flawless, and he said I like you, I know alot about you, and I want to be honest with you. Because I want you to be my wife. I tripped, I did not know him nor had I seen him, but he had all kinds of pictures and info about me. He continued to write me and impress me with his honesty, I was able to verify his info and I went to visit. He was not my type as far as the way he looked and what I was attracted to. I was captivated by his smile and his honesty and I could see he was genuine in this thinking and his feelings. I married him. I knew he had about a year to be released. He was working on clearing his name. A case of mistaken identity. (yea right I thought) Life kept going for me I had a house built and my children were growing up and I was busy in all kinds of stuff and gaining weight I felt like everything was caving in on me so much responsiblity and he seem to always be fussing. Why? I am by nature a procrastinator and he believes in doing what you say. He was always fussing about one thing or the other. I got tired of reading the letters and was use to me and me alone. I went to see an attorney and I divorced in him. Just for fussing. We were married one day short 1 year. I never gave the man the time of day. 3 months after our divorce he got out (cleared) and came to visit me and after about and hour he convince me to let him in. I did and by the next morning I wished I had never divorced him. I went to work, left him home at my house, when I returned he had cleaned my entire house and raked all the leaves and my mom lived across the street and said she watched him with my children and it was a wonderful sight. He loved my kids. Things were wonderful for a couple of days and then things turned ugly, he got on my nerves and that reminded me why I divorced him. I became cold to him and I never explained why, but I wanted him out of my life and I moved to do just that. For several months he tried to talk with me I would not give him the time of day. He finally left me alone. Only to be caught at the wrong place at the wrong time and went to prison convicted of murdering one of his best friends on circumstancial evidence and I was just glad he was out of my life. I never believed he did it. He called me to tell me he did not and could prove it but it would get some other people in trouble in another matter, therefore they would never come forward to vouch for him. Meanwhile from 1988 to 2001 I never gave him much thought. I guess the only time he would come to mind is when I would ask myself who really loved me. Johnny's face would always come up . I always knew that he really loved me. I was in prayer a few years ago and I ask the Lord about unresolved issues in my life and Johnny came up,I told the Lord that was resolved and moved on. For 6 months I thought of him and ironically 2/14/01 I called Huntsville got his mailing address and wrote him a letter. When I read what I wrote I was amazed at myself. I guess I really spoke from the inner me cause the outer me would have never been so open and so true about my feelings and I could not believe I wrote him. After a few letters and alot of crying and visiting we were married again and I have never been happier to say that I am married to a wonderful man eventhough he is locked up. I took the heat with family, congregation, etc. but like I told my church I am not your average preacher or pastor. I don't deal in logic, or tradition, I try to be right with God and sometimes that means being on the outs with others. I love my husband and I am trying to help him clear his name and make parole. Whichever first but more than anything he wants to be exonerated of the charges because he knows he is innocent. He has so much he wants to offer because of his experience. The funny things is that I am still a procrastinator and he is still fussing but I know God has done a work in me because I can laugh at all the stuff that use to make me mad. I want him home!
September 5,2004 2:29am
Gosh I am bored, I am at work and tired as heck, bored as well, I wish I could call it a night. I have 5 more hours to go and I have been here about 8. What was I thinking. Well I have church service in a few hours and after that it is sleep until I get tired of sleeping.
I need to concentrate on getting test done asap. I got the Lab form just need to do it. I need to sch psych with Dr. Wright as well as get a referral for the sleep study or call around to some sleep clinics. I just want to be sure I remain focused and get these things done. I really need to do this. I get so easily distracted by such minor things. I want this thing done soon as I can. I have got stuff to do. I am looking forward to Sharon updating my profile. I think that girl's heart is made of gold she is a good hearted individual. Such and encourager and a comic. I read her posted and I am always laughing. She really knows how to cheer people up. God bless her.
September 16, 2004
I have been really caught up these last fews days. Let's start from the beginning. Thank you Sharon, aka, Sensual Stinga, bka Sexxie Scorpio for hookin a sistah's profile up, lookin good.
Well finally got the blood test waiting on Dr for results will check today. I had sleep evaluation done 9/13 and sleepy study done 9/14. I was off work since the Labor day weekend with knees hurting had been hurting for a couple of weeks saw doc Tuesday got a note to go back to work, went in Tuesday night, Logged in got situated and decided to go to the breakroom to get water, got my water and was sipping it at the sink area so I could refill it and looking at cnn on the tv. I refilled my cup and was slowing walking away and slid and fell on the dang floor. I was down a couple of minutes before someone came. Get this, I got my big 500lb but on the floor and somebody ask me was I alright. I wanted so bad to say a few choice words like **** ** cant you see my big *** on this **** floor. I did not, I told her no, she ran to get help. I was already in pain, I am always in pain, it was hard to know what new pain did I have. I finally got off the floor, they wanted to call and ambulance, I was not going through that drama, too big not having the right tools for big people, no thank you, just grab my stuff help me to the car and that would be that. I was already thinking about quitting because it was too much for me at my size and falling this is the second time falling down on this job, so I know this is it for me.
Well I am closer to seeing the surgeon and getting a date. I have my sleep results Monday the 20th once I have that all I need is send her my money and results. Then I am ready to move forward. Not much too post, kinda tired will post later. oops I accidently lost 15lbs , don't have a clue how, happy they are gone.
October 3, 2004
Its has been a couple of weeks since I updated my profile. My time passes when you are pre-occupied. I have actually gotten a lot done. I now have a date to see my surgeon. I see the surgeon on October 13, 2004. I am waiting on my packet right now. I had to mailed them 300.00 in advance. So now it is the consult, seminar and surgery date. I look forward to being on the losing side. Let me back up a moment. I got my sleep study back and naturally I have sleep apnea, I have a cpap machine, I really thought I would hate it. It is challenging sometimes but I feel so much better when I get up and I breath better when I get up. Well I went also to the Doctor so he could write a letter for the surgeon, I now have high blood pressure and my sugar levels were high but my doctor is treating me for the blood pressure but thinks once I have surgery all my levels will be fine. Well it took all of this to get this done so... so be it. I know it is all temporary.
I fooled around and burned my hand the other day. I was careful to think quick. I was in a lot of pain but I worked quickly and I did not blister but I sure look scorched so I am looking for my skin to start peeling. I am somewhat frustrated at home. I just want to be alone. I am in much need of some me time. Living in a house with a bunch of kids is not what I bargained for, but is what I have. I pray that soon and very soon God will move on my behalf and help everyone in my house be all that they can be. 10 more days and I will be one step closer to where I want to be. I have got so much going on right now. I just ask for all to pray my strength in the Lord.
October 12,2004
Well I was just sitting here looking at today's post trying to see what was going on with everybody else. I have not been feeling myself lately. My knees hurt my back is hurting, I need a root canal so I have an annoying pain in my mouth. God forgive me but I am sick of my children and my grandchildren they are driving me Miss Daisy. I try not to say crazy. I am going through a transition with my finances right now because of Workers Compensation so my money is funny and my change is so strange. My husband is tripping and I am trying not to trip with him. I have got to get myself out of this slump. One thing is I have spent too much time in the house and have done nothing productive in it. I have a millions things to do and not motivated to do any. I have got to start. I got a little depressed my consult date was rescheduled for the 10/21/04. I also learned that since I still have United Healthcare I have to get another letter of denial before can go through Medicare I have praying for a breakthrough there. I am too anxious to get this party started. I need a change. I know that is won't be long and regardless it will be in God's timing. Well I guess that is about it. It is all up to me. I have got to get up and do what I am suppose to do. Regardless of my circumstances I am still blessed. Until next time. Be blessed.
October 29,2004
I am the all times worst when it comes to updating anything. I have just been sitting on all this information and never posting it. Let me see where do I begin. I was exciting to visit the sleep doctor for my follow up on October 18. The visit was great but I was excited because he weighed me and I had lost 3 lbs I was jumping for joy you would have thought is was 30lbs. I looked at the scale and it said 508 and I know it has been a few years since I was at this weight, at least 3 years. I danced and laughed all that Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I was thinking to myself 8 more lbs off I can get that MRI I have been needing for 3 years. I went to my consult on Thursday morning, talking about an all day affair but it was worth the time and the money spent. When my time came to weigh I was thinking I still will be smiling because I am already losing. I got on the scales and almost freaked out. I weighed 500.6lbs that was so amazing to me. I could get off the scale. The lady was looking at me like "what is wrong with you lady"> I told her I had been wanting so long to lose out of the 500 and I was confident by time I had surgery I would be out of the 500 range. I will I probably am right now. This is good news to me. I know in my heart I have not done anything consciously to lose the weight I believe it is just time. I go in on Monday 11/1 for my echo and my pysch eval. I am very close to the beginning of my new birth.
There is a lot more I should be talking about but I am tired and I will get back later to all who may read be bless. di
11/15/2004
I am so bad at this updating stuff. No excuses to make there is no reason. Let's see where do I begin? I went to do echo on the first had problems with it, wanted me to come back that afternoon when someone was available to do and I V. Psych was rescheduled for the 8th. I got home felt bad and rescheduled for the 3rd for echo. I got it done, also lost enough weight to get a MRI needed for almost 3 years. Got there and it was a waist of time. I finally was small enough, but nobody bothered to tell me the opening was only 20 inches wide so that was a waist of time. Well 11/8 got pschy eval done that was 200.00 out of my pocket and that really did hurt. I got a MRI from another place. The most painful position to be in for 35 minutes. It paid off got results my doctor said there is a problem but not as bad as we thought. Well I got a date 11/23 and I am happy about it. I am so glad to start the next process. Waiting for appt for pre-op and stress test also I have to have filters put in my legs to prevent blood clotting.
I got to have 600.00 for my part of dr fees, anest. fees. dr that does the filter. I have the money in my hand but it is called car note and bill money. I can not afford not to pay my bills and I cannot afford to wait until next year to have this surgery either. No dates available until then. I have been in prayer this morning about doing what is right. It is going to workout. I know it. Well all is well inspite of obstacles. I cannot afford to allow stuff to get in my way. until next time, blessings di
December 12, 2004
Well it has been a minute since I updated my profile. I had all my test, day surgery for the filter and then on the 23rd of November, I had surgery. It was dreadful or hard. I did very well Thanks to the Almighty God for his goodness and his mercies shown toward me. I went in Tuesday Morning and came home Thursday afternoon. I am greatful because all has been well for me. I have had no problems with food. I have just been trying to stay on track and focus on the time to get all my foods, and liquids in before the day ends and I believe that I am doing well with that. I have just finished 3 weeks 2 weeks liquids, now soft solids and I have had no problems at all. I can notice the difference in my clothes and my legs and thighs. I have all had a problem walking around which was a problem before surgery, but everyday it is better and I seem to be a little stronger and more energetic. I must be doing great because today I was able to chase a 2 year down the hall to beat her butt. I surprised myself and everybody else because I never run after kids or spank them because it would tire me out. I wanted too, because I don't think there mother gets them when she should. But today my grandchildren saw that I am well able to kick butt. The two youngest ones have never seen me smaller than I am now, eldest probably can't tell the difference but I found out myself that I can move and I was not tired after I finished. I know I am on my way. I am happy that I had the surgery, I had to make a huge sacrifice to do it. RIght now I am struggling with bills because I put them off to get the surgery and I am standing at the door of losing my car and some other things. I have to trust and believe that God has a ram in the bush for me and he will see me through this.
I am anxious to know how much I have lost. I lost 27lbs before surgery and I could never tell that I lost them. I can see it in my legs, my thighs, my face and neck. I can see where the fat is breaking down because where I was firm and fat it has because to change structure. I would not be surprise if I have lost 50lbs, it feels like 50lbs to me. I will know on the 21st of December, until then be blessed. di
January 1, 2005
Well, I just Praise the Lord today for my life, my health , my husband, children, grandchildren, parents and relatives, friends and even my enemies. It is a good day!. I am alive and well and down to 465. I have not been this size in 5 years and I thank God. I don't post often but I thank God for the opportunity to say that this is going to be the most wonderful year of my life. I speak this into existence. I am grateful to the Lord for making a way for me and helping me get my health back, and everything else the enemy has stolen from me. I am blessed. I was a little upset because I had not lost as much as I had hoped, but I could see the results and fill the difference and I also am not able to be a mobile as I would like, but it is coming and the pounds will come off. Well it is still 62lb from my highest weight so life is good. I will work hard this month. I plan to work toward losing 66lbs that will put me at my second goal. The first goal was to get out of the 500's and the second is to get out of the 400's I am on my way. I will be doing water aerobics this month and this should help strenghten me and help me lose as well. Until the next time. God bless di
March 2, 2005
It has been a while! I need to exhale. I was running fast and furious in January, trying to getting this weight off. I did well, at least my surgeon said so. February has been a very eventful month. I have been running like a chicken with it's head cut off. My mother is back in the nursing home still not doing anything to help herself, now her backbone my dad is ill. He had a bypass surgery for his heart and was home 3 days and back to the hospital with a bleeding ulcer. My sister lives in Europe, my brother in Ohio, I already have a handful at home with my 2 kids and 4 grands. Everybody in the same little cramped house. I give glory and honor to God, in the midst of all this and everything else that I did not mention, he is still answering my prayers and making a way for me. I just have to keep my focus, and that means for me to really make some changes. I get distracted easily with lifes problems and I forget about myself. I am trying so very hard not to, I know it is detrimental to my well being. I just wanted those to know that we have to stay focus and keep moving toward I goals. I have got to run now, if I want to finish to day with all my responsibilities taken care of.
May 16,2005
Gosh, time flies when you have a life. I feel like I literally have been making up for lost time. This has been an incredible journey and I have made it through a few milestones. I was so happy when I got out of the 500's and now, not six months even, I am out of the 400's. I am so grateful for every blessing that God gives me. Things are really looking up in my life.
My daughter got a job and has moved out of the house with her 3 girls. Four down two to go. My son and his daughter are here but I cannot complain. My dad is back on his feet and does not need me. My mom is the same and eventhough I have weaned myself away from the nursing home as much as possible,I have been doing things I used to dream of doing. I have been digging up flower beds and planting flowers. I've got 2 more beds to dig and one for a few veggies and then I will start working on redoing my fence. I am thinking of building a ranch style fence across my front to keep the little kids from riding there bikes across the lawn. I really don't want to go to jail for killing the neighbors kids. I am doing work on the inside too. I am having a ball bending and squatting and doing things that I have never done or have not done in 20 plus years. I have not been online much, no time, no other reason. I still keep everybody in my prayers and looking forward to the ATL meet and greet in JULY. I am closing now, I wish great success to all on their journey, much love to you all.
di
June 3, 2005
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood! That's what Mr. Rogers use to sing. I guess it is all in ones perspective, life is really just how you see it or plan it. I realize that for the past few weeks, my perspective has been off, there for everything has been off. I decided to change my perspective so I csn get back on track of things. I believe I have had good success without a lot of effort, what happens when I make the effort. I have got to get things going like they should. I guess this blog was written for me to encourage myself. I believe I just did. For all who read, may the grace of our Lord and his peace be with you. I wish you much success.
di
June 24, 2005
Hello all, I thought I would take a moment to add a minute to my profile. It seems that once this journey begins, you just don't have a lot of time. In my case, I feel so far behind, it seems like it is time to make up for the time lost. I am doing pretty good on this journey, but I am looking a a few things I need to address and quick before they get out of hand. Lately I have not felt satisfaction. I find myself grazing. Not good, not good. I must sit down and plan my meals so I can make things that will satisfy me. I have been miserable the last few days because I have been eating way too many carbs out of boredom. I have to get a grip. I cannot go backwards and I am aware of the problem and not in denial. Today I will address this food issue and move on. I have to because I have been gasy and irritable and just yuk yuk. I am still doing quite well, I am got to get my program in gear though and I will. God bless all on there journey.
di
August 13,2005
Okay so I am notoriously terrible at updating my profile, I will try to do better, I am at a time in my life that I am really beginning to see the areas where I am out of balance or let's say could stand to really improve in. I have been on a real quest to do better in every area possible.
Let's look at a few things, I will be 9 months out on the 23rd of August and I feel pretty good. I admit that I am definitely not where I want to be. I do have to be grateful that I am not where I use to be. I have lost 1 whole person and I need to lose at least on more over weight person to be healthy. I am not sure where I am exactly I have not weighed in a good while. I got concerned that I may not have been losing anything, I thought I had reached my first plateau, but I was wrong. I recently went back to my job after 10 and 1/2 months off. I have had to get up everyday and try to look decent and I have been have a problem with my clothes, especially my skirts being too big and sliding around, it has been like wearing a hoola hoop. I can fix my skirt in the restroom and by the time I get to my desk, I have the tag completely in the front. Yesterday I decided to wear a dress, I wear mostly skirts and tops but I put the dressed on and noticed I had a figure, I was shapely although I am still very large my weight is very proportioned even with the very large pannus. I was happy with the way I looked in my clothes and I had no idea so many people noticed. I am very grateful that people don't make a big deal out of my weight loss, but they do give me very positive comments and encouragements. I was not looking forward to returning to work but I have been welcomed and receive very lovingly and it has been a pleasured two weeks, we will see how it goes.
Boy I digress, my point was, that I am very much still losing the weight.
I am having an issue, I am at a point where I believe that I really need to get things in gear. I have been examining myself and I believe there is a lot of room for improvement. I guess there is nothing to it but to do it. That is going to be my new motto to get myself moving in the directions that I need to go. I am trying to be more conscientious of me myself and I. I know that I will get there.
I have been quite busy and quite tied up in a bunch of different stuff, but I have resolved that it is has been so necessary so I can get a few things out of the weight and turn the responsibilities that belong to someone else out of my hand once and for all. I am going to try coaching these individual instead of doing the things myself. I believe this would be a good time in my life of practice my coaching skills and my writing skills to help my children. I realize that I put my children in some crazy situations because I always have solutions and I try too hard to help them when I really should let them think for themselves and deal with there own children. I realize that I make my own life a living nightmare because I put myself in the situations I get into.
I should say that I am grateful and thankful because I believe that I am being reinvented, God is making me over not just physically, but mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I am blessed. I wish to tell all who read this, be encourage in what ever level of your journey you are on. God is a good God and he will lead us and guide us if we yield ourselves to him, until next time. "Ain't nothing to it but to do it!" Be blessed
di
August 30, 2005
This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. I woke up this morning with all kind of thoughts, I am faced with so many things right now. I have so many people on my mind that I must keep lifted up in prayer. My son, who has got himself caught up in a little trouble, but I have peace there, because he is about to have a divine appointment with the Lord. I know God is working it out and I cannot worry about him, I just pray a protective prayer for his safety. My daughter fell a couple of weeks ago at Wal-mart and the doctor released her to return to work and they fired her. It was not a surprise, but expected , it just causes so much discomfort. The good news is unemployment in the making and she received a call from a company for a job. So we know that God is good. My grandchildren are blessed and well. My parents are struggling, with their health, there may be a door of hope for my mother's condition to improve. To God be the Glory. I was glad to see my grandmother in good health and spirits when I visited her at the nursing home, all in all things are good. My husband is good and pretty much I am good. I am a bit frustrated today and filled with alot of emotions that I choose to press down. I am at work right now and I just had two negative incidents I really need to move forward, because I want to get up and walk out and think later. Forgive me for running everything together and not making paragraphs and probably sense.
Today is my birthday it is 8:58am I have heard from a group of people I don't really know by card and some of the signatures of people I don't know. I am one of those people that people tend to forget exist unless they need something. I am 46 years old the last time somebody made a big deal out of my birthday I was 10 years old and I will never forget it. When I turned 22 I started doing things for my birthday and have pretty much done something every year. I generally cook and invite people over. My reasoning, I knew that if I did not do that there would be nothing. I got ready to do that again and it can to me, why? Why should I spend my time to cook and entertain others and I am the one that should be celebrated. I resolved in my spirit that I will not be doing this anymore. I believe that I am moving into the 2nd phase of my life, I cannot live my second part like my first. I am going to adjust to this. This is not news to me and I realize it is time to stop trying to make up for it and accept it for what it is. I am just not a celebrated person and that is that. I love me, I know that my family loves me eventhough they are a little slow with remembering things. My husband loves me dearly, eventhough he is locked up he remembers my birthday and sent me a card and when I visited him the first thing he said to me is I love you and Happy Birthday. I am blessed to have him. God is good to me and I am very grateful for every blessing he has bestowed on me and my family. Today begins day one of the 2nd phase of my life and I will dwell on all the ways to be better. God bless all of you that are on a similar journey. May you have strength and confidence to stay on task. Until next time. Be encouraged.
di
September 10, 2005
Hello all who read this blog. Today is Saturday it 9:47am an I am at work. Well many things have happened since I wrote last week. I had a crazy birthday! I was sad and happy. The day began with me knowing that I was blessed but expecting it to be like it always is, others moving on about there day and never remembering my celebration day without being prompted. I was depressed at work and left after 2 hours. I felt old and out dated and out of touch with life. I hate that feeling well I decided to do something about my situation and I did. I permed and colored my hair and I personally think it took at least 5 if not 10 years off me. Now it I could find some type of style umm. I'm working on it. Well my week was eventful, my darling son called from the jail tripping about nobody's trying to help him, find him atty fast (with what funds), and then my darling jealous hearted sister calls me about a dispute we have been trying to resolve for 9 months now and tells me she is tired she told the people to come pick up my car. She does not want to fool with it anymore. Hello! What have you done, I have made each and every payment on the vehicle and it is paid for and you can't wait for them to resolve this. I did not have the energy to deal with her or my son. I said okay and went to bed. I woke up with the same bad attitude and right in the middle of riding to work. I was hit and washed in the love of the Lord and Glory to be to God my attitude lifted and I knew right then it was okay, I understood right then that God was yet at work in other people's life and I needed to trust Him and I do and I will. I was so happy and my week got better and I calmed down. I have had a pretty good week and I am grateful to the Lord for all his goodness. By the way I went to see my surgeon on yesterday and He really sat down and got on me about the importance of exercise especially water aerobic and I need to become a water baby so I am about to get with the real program. I did appreciate him explaining to me the benefits of the exercise helping me get to my goal weight which he sad was obtainable with the exercise and the reconstructive surgery and he also told me that not to think that alot of my weight is skin and not try as hard as I can. He informed me that alot of people really think that all the skin is the weight that but it is best to lose as much as possible,I may or may not have as much skin as some think. It possible to have 50lbs of skin but not likely so. I know what I must do and my angel MS. COOKIE LUSCIOUS has already gotten on me and schooled me about the exercise and how it effects the reconstructive surgery so my goals is to lose lose lose and exercise so I will begin Monday with a planned program. Looking forward to making my next goal I want to lose 61lbs by 12/23 which will be my next visit with surgeon and 1 year and 1 month ann. 33 lbs would put me at my 200lb lost and if I can do that by 11/23 that will be awesome. I am getting it in gear and changing my focus. I wish and I pray for the best and great success to all on their journey.
Until the next time be blessed!
di
October 8, 2005
Hello to all, It has certainly been an eventful month since my last post. First of all, no I still have not started my exercise regimen and I am pissed about it too. I know I owe it to myself and I have got to get there. Financially, I have hit rock bottom, I work everyday and you would think that I would be fare well instead of needing welfare. I have had to make decision about money that I really did not want to make. My daughter fell at Walmart and that fall made her lose her job. Now waiting to see if they are going to pay her. I have had to pay her rent and since I chose to pay her rent that meant I chose not to pay my light bill, can you say in the dark! CHOICES. Well that ain't the half and I won't bend anyones ear on my woes. I got so down today driving to pick up my daughter in my car that sounds like it is screaming to just die. My mind took me to all kind of frustrating situations because no money to pay rent or other bills and all the woes in my life. All I could do was just cry and finally something I desire was on the street and I leaped in my spirit and all I could say was the devil is a liar, I will not bow down to fear or poverty, God is my refuge and strenght a very present help in the time of trouble and I began to pray and call those things that be not as though they were. I called my daughter blessed, wealthy, healthy and employed with a vehicle and her children have what they need, I also did the same for my son and his family and my husband. I am so bogged down with their situations I cannot do what I need to do for myself. I have got to trust God more now than ever if I want to get past this cycle and break the cycle in my life. So much has happen but I have to be happy inspite of all my woes because is good to me and I know it. I have lost 177lbs and still losing, until next time.
di
October 15, 2005
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. God is good and I do mean all the time. I don't just call Him and praise in the time of trouble. I praise Him in the good times as well. I woke up this morning with the mind that this is a new day. The road is still rough my hands are still tied. I am still in a holding man, but I know God is yet working it out. I also know that I am really growing in some areas. I hava always been a helper, ready willing and able to help whoever I could. I have never been much for reaching out and asking for help not even for prayer. I took the chance and leaped out of my comfort zone and ask the saints of God on BAF to pray for me. I had and overwhelming response. I never knew that people who don't know you could be so compassionate, so inspiring, so encouraging. I thank God for this kind of love. It lifted my head and cause me to change my physical posture. I am indeed blessed to know this kind of people. I find it to be a wonderful blessing. I believe that I will come out of this thing blessed and assurance and with a wonderful testimony of how God in his awesomeness brought me out on mo' gin. Thank you Jesus. I hate that my car died but it serve me well, I am just trying to make it a few more days and I will be driving something. I am working on something and it will be alright. Thank you Jesus.
To all those who read, I pray God's blessings on you and your journey, I pray that you have strength for those in possible days that will come upon you. I pray for your endurance to tough out those times when you just don't want to. I pray that you be comforted when you feel like you are alone and doing it by yourself. I pray for your assurance when you begin to doubt that all is well or your own success. I pray that you will be continually directed as you travel the path of your journey.
God bless di
October 29,2005
Hello My friends, and my sisters and brothers. I would like to start this blog by saying, Inspite of all the stuff going on in life, in the world, in my world, God is so good to me. I cannot tell it all or describe to you my feelings. I promise you it has been a never ending journey with some kind of trial or tribulation. It appears that for quite some while it has been one thing or the other each and every day. I have had one set back after the other. I can still say that inspite of losing vehicles one day after the next, lights being cut off, children moving back in for having lost job, injury and cannot pay rent. Even while my son went to jail, to get out get married and he and wife and daughter or staying with me and now daughter and 3 girls staying as well. Parents sick and deteriorating, sister with risky pregnancy, Husband finding out he has health problems and being transferred yet to another unit, Money funny change strange and then having to shut up ministry and go sit under another minister to learn what God wants me to know. Missing work for no transportation and coming back to be given a commendation in one hand and a complaint in the same hand. I have been frustrated beyond repair and then it hit me, like a mack truck. My test of endurance, this is a test to see can I make lemonade out of lemons, can I make the best of several bad situations. I figured out that each and every issue is to get me to another place I need to be. I all of a sudden got several blessings out of all this mess and I have to say it again. God is good to me.
It will be a year, November 23. I have done well with my weight loss but I could have done better, I am still struggling with exercise but that is getting better and I know I will do better with it. I for the first time have made it 6 days on the protein train. I have never been successful at it. I now it will make it through the 7 day. I can see the results already and significant change and I believe this will only cause me to do even better. I am grateful and thankful for the support that I receive from all the people that participate on BAF. It has been a blessing and I am ever so grateful. I stumbled up on baf and stumble on a post on the main message board from Denise Mcgill about an experience with Delta Airlines, this prompted me to read her profile and somethings she wrote about baf made me look for it and I have been here ever since. God is good to me and I thank him for his goodness. I am anxious to know how much weight I have lost. It feels like 20lbs I like to know how far off am I. Until next time. Be encouraged
di
November 5. 2005
When I left home it was Friday morning 7:30am and I was on my way to work. It is Saturday morning at 12:28 am And I have 32 more minute before I will be done and then it is off to Walmart and then maybe 4 hours of sleep, then to my daughters to get the rest of her stuff out of the apartment. We will go to the storage and then bAck home to get ready to work and I am trying to see if I can get my daughter done by 10am so I can go to church from 11 am to 12 noon. I have got too many things on my plate and I pray that it is what I should be doing.
Well the protein train was successful, but I have been a fool this week, which tells me I really need to get myself under control so it is back to the protein discipline and restricted carbs. I need to keep my carbs low for a couple of weeks to really get myself under control. I cannot afford to sabotage all my efforts I have too many things to work towards.
I have been blessed by so many people at BAF, I want to thank Val for coming to my aid to help me get my utilities straighten out. I want to thank all of those who gave to her to help me. I appreciate you generosity. I pray Gods blessing overtake you.
I want to say thank you to my girlfriendS Leslie and Danielle for blessing me with some beautiful clothing. I thank my girl, Tee Tee for blessing me as well and for speaking blessings into my spirit. I thank all of you so much. I am happy that I have my first angelette Lisa Dannielle who made it over to the losing side on this past Monday 10/31/05 Go Lisa! I am thank for my angel Ms Cookie Luscious who is always on a neverending cycle encouraging someone. I thank you for being there for me and always telling me the truth about myself. I am thank for my friend Madame, Sister Sharon for always having something wonderful, warm, intelligent and full of wisdom and truth. I appreciate all the people God has put in my life to bless me and me to bless. I am so thankful and grateful. Well, it is 12:56 time to go until next time . di
November 18,2005
Well Praise the Lord everybody! Everybody ought to Praise the Lord! God is so good. I cannot thank him enough for all his goodness, and his mercy, and oh my his wonderful kindness toward me. I have been through the fire and I just keep running so I can see what the end is going to be. Praise God.
I have been so busy lately. For the last 12 days I am some of the other sisters on BAF have dedicated ourselves to praying for others, it was to be 7 days. Many kept the 7 day commitment but I felt compelled to continue on. There are many many people needing breakthrou
