divawannabe
My story. . .I am not sure where to begin because for years I have been denying or hiding from my story. Starting with my childhood it wasn't one that I would want anyone to experience and throughtout the years I have had my share of bumps along the way. However, I believe that I am a survivor and a stronger woman from these experiences.
Even as a child I always felt different. I was different from my friends in the way I looked (fat) and from the things I had experienced to feeling different within my own family. I was always the fat one in any group. Growing up fat there are constant reminders everywhere. The media and society portrays fat and bad to be one and the same. There were remarks and looks made by children and adults who should have known better. There were parties, proms and dates as a teenager that I missed out on because I was fat. My father used to tell me on more than one ocassion that if I remainded fat that I would never be able to compete with a thin person. I would be overlooked for things from jobs to relationships and anything else I desired. So even as a young child I felt my self worth always being in question. Therefore I began to question myself and my own selfworth. So food became my best friend. It was the one thing in my life that I felt did not judge me. There are other things that also made me different from those around me but they are too personal to write about it here but they all contribute to whom I am and how I got to where I am today.
Food allowed me to keep all of my feelings stuffed down deep. Therefore, anytime my feelings felt like they were coming to close to the surface and would require acknowledgement and attention I would eat until they disappeared or at least that is what I thought.
Being an overweight adult has had its issues as well. Movie and theatre seats are not comfortable when your packed in them like a sardine. Going out to restaraunts I feel like if I can just squeeze into a booth I can overlook the stares. I have passed on many vacations because I am afraid of being embarrassed by either having to pay for more than one airline seat or haveing to ask for an extender for the seat belts. I have never known what it is like to go into a regular store and by off the rack. I avoid shopping with friends because I only have certain clothing stores to shop in of which none are anywhere they would shop even if they carried their sizes, so I hate clothes shopping. I constantly feel like I am getting looks of disgust from strangers. I almost feel bad for anyone who gets stuck sitting beside me at a concert. I feel bad for them. What's wrong with that. I know I am clean and do not stink. Nor do I pick my nose or have any other gross habits so why do people hesitate to sit next to me.
Now as an adult I realize that I need to take of and be responsible for the wounded and scared little girl and the woman stuck inside but that I desperately want to become. Like I said all of the experiences have made me who I am today. The journey has not been easy but with help and support I am learning to cope with my feelings and to find healthier alternatives for dealing with them. Unfortunately, as a child I lost faith in myself and in others. I now realize that if I continue down the path I am on, I was now causing damage to myself and I would be no different than the others who had done so in the past.
I have also come to realize that life really isn't like a fairytale and my godmother does not have a magic wand to make everything better. I am the only one that can change my story, my destiny and that I owe it to myself to have a happy ending. . .a healthy and happy me. My dreams can and will come true. This is where my new adventure begins with WLS. This was not an easy decision for me and has taken me many many many years to admit this is the tool and the help that I needed. Now I'm excited and am looking forward to this journey. My surgery is scheduled for 12/22/08. This will be the best Christmas present ever.
