eclin49

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Today I am 60 years old.  I remember when that sounded so old....yikes....not now.  I got on the scale this morning and for my birthday I got a nice present from me and my band.  I weigh 178 today.  I haven't weighed that since my son was 2....he is 29 now so that is a nice feeling.  We have a fun packed day ahead of us and the nice thing is, I don't dread it.  We are leaving in a few minutes to go to Chey's t ball game....I am not worried about where we will park or how far I will have to walk or if I can manage the bleachers or a gazillion other things that would attack me with worry anytime we were going someplace.  We are also going to go for a stroll on the waterfront today...among other things....again, something that Ron and I have always wanted to do but I wasn't able....life is so good and only getting better...I feel so alive again and I try to stay focused in the now and not feel sad for all the time I wasted wrapped up in that fat suit.  I have lost 135 pounds....wow

I can't believe it is May already.  Time sure flies.  Lets see...I jumped on the scale this morning and I weigh 181 so I have now lost 132 lbs.  I was stuck for a bit but seem to be loosing again...well not exactly stuck but only loosing about 1 lb every two weeks.  I went shopping yesterday to get summer clothes.  Whew...size 16 am I...what a rush it was....I imagine they will be baggy by the end of summer....might now even make it but I won't mind if I don't....will just got thrift store shopping if that happens....life is good and just keeps getting better...I don't use the handi cart and the stores anymore.....we went to the Olympia Farmers Market a couple of weeks ago....it was so nice to be able to stroll through that holding my sweet husbands hand and not have to sit down every 5 minutes.  I think I will be able to enjoy our 10 year anniversary trip to the San Juans next month and will have no trouble walking down to the light house this year :-)

WOW how can it be that it has been 1 year since my surgery.  I am filled with emotion today as I look back at how far I have come in this year.  I have achieved most of my goals and erased most of my fears and I don't feel like that morbidly obese lady anymore.  I still have a way to go but I no longer fear that I will get there.  I weigh 192 today .... that means I have lost 121 pounds since my first doctor visit.  I am wearing size18 pants and XL tops.  I easily walk to my bus and no longer fear going up the steps.  I sometimes miss being able to eat with abandon but when those moments come...and they are very rare they only last a few seconds and then I laugh at the audacity of missing something so silly.  I like where I am right now but I am not finished yet and refuse to settle for this.  I want more....I want less of me....I love seeing the look in my husbands eyes when he looks at me but most of all I love how I feel.  I am slowly shedding that fat suit that has surrounded me for so long and I know that this is the last time....I know that this is forever and I will never go back to that old me....

I got up yesterday morning and stepped on the scale....another 3.5 pounds  have fallen off of me so I have now lost 78.5 pounds.  WOW.  Ron had mentioned that we would have to dig out our weeding shirts when we go to the San Juans next summer to celebrate our 10 year anniversary so I got brave and tried mine on yesterday. It fits now!!! I wore it out of the bedroom to show him.  He said he guessed he would have to buy me a new shirt next summer cuz that one wont fit in June.  I was giddy with joy.  We then went to Wal-Mart and none of the carts were working which put an end to my joy.....to top things off they still didn't have my peach tea and I am on my last tube.  We decided to go to the Chehalis one on our way to find the KOA in Bay Center.  I also decided after much grumbling that I couldn't let that bump in the road take over my day so I let it go and let the joy rush back in. 
I know that I need to ween myself off that cart and I have gone into a few stores and not used it and will try to do that more often as more weight falls off.  I haven't used my office chair in the kitchen except to sit down on while I am waiting cooking for a week now.  That is a major accomlishment for me.  I have to let go of the crutches that helped me function at 313 pounds because they are not only physical crutches but mental crutches.  I find that my mind hasn't quite caught up with my body in that respect.  I look in the mirror and do see a smaller me but when I am doing something I find that my mind still wants to put restrictions on me because I still think like I weigh 313.  This is something that I am going to have to work on.

I got to work on Monday and my bus was in the shop.  The spare bus that I was assigned was in the back of the lot.  I immediately began to panick that I wouldn't be able to walk that far and then walk back in and tried to figure out how I was going to manage it and still do my job...and also if the seat belt would fit or I would fit behind the steering whell....etc.  Well I didn't have a problem walking out there at all and no other problems either.  Silly me....silly brain.  It was really hot that afternoon so my long walk in was strained but I did it and wasn't huffing and puffing (I was just sweating) when I got in.  The next morning my bus was fixed and I was excited at the prospect of heat....but there was no heat.  I drove it the rest of the day and noticed that I had coolant leaking out on the ground.  The next morning I took it up to the shop and told them ....still no heat and why is that coolant coming out.  They checked it out and discovered that the mechanic had neglected to hook everything up so.....back out to the back of the lot for me and back into the shop for the bus.  Thursday morning it was fixed right this time and the kids were happy to get on a toasty bus.

This is an example of what I mean about my brain still thinking I weigh 313 pounds.  When I am presented with doing something that I don't normally do on a daily basis and especially if it is something that I had difficulty with in the past, I immediately begin to panic and worry about how I am going to ever be able to do it.  It sounds silly as I write it down but at the time it is happening, it doesn'f feel silly at all.

I go to the Dr tomorrow.  I think they will be very pleased with my progress.  I was disappointed in myslef last month for not going but I just didn't want to face scorn or disapproval for not loosing very much (even though I was gone for all but of a few days on vacations or staying in a motel and eating out...I was ok with where I was but didn't think they would be), but I think they will be ok with my weight loss.  I don't know if I need to get a fill though.  I will trust their judgement.

The first week of school has come and gone and I survived.  My bus is parked farther out that I thought it would be but I am not having a problem walking out to it....how nice that is :-).  I am also noticing that I am not as tired at the end of the day...another bonus although I was exhausted at the end of the week.  My elementary is going ok....I am having some issues with an unsafe stop that I can't seem to get resolved.  I will push further on it this week and hopefully I can get it settled.  One more week til I go to the Dr and I think they will be really happy...I know I am...I got on the scale yesterday and I finally am down in the 230's.  I have lost 75 pounds....not too shabby.  I am seeing it in the mirror which is something new for me too.  So many changes and they are all so good.

I can't believe that it is the first day of school already.  sheesh where did my summer go.  I didn't get even half of the things done that I had planned.  Oh well.  Dad's house is much more ready to be sold.  Can't do too much more until we get him moved and that can't happen until they call.  I had a great summer, lots of wonderful fun trips with Ron and my obesity didn't interfere nearly as much as it has in the past.   I sometimes find myself getting impatient with the slowness of this process....I so want to be done with the loosing phase and I get frustrated that I still can't do all the things that I want to do.  I then have to have a talk with myself.

We had inservice last week, and I dreaded the potluck....silly me....It wasn't hard to "control" what I ate at all.  I found a burger that didn't look like it had been cooked to death and added some barbecue sauce.  I sat down and immediately go teased about how much food was on my plate...the one doing the most teasing didn't know that I had had surgery....I laughed and said I probably wouldn't be able to finish it....and I was right.  She then found out that I had had surgery.....gee I thought everyone knew by now...oh well...it isn't always about me...giggle giggle. 

So off to work for me in my new shirt...nice smaller shirt and new shoes...who knew your feet got smaller when you loose weight.  I sure hope I picked a good run....still am stressing over he 70 elementary kids...I havent driven that many for a long time but I think my hs and jr high kids will be happy to see me....they better be...

I am 1/2 pound away from the 230's....wow!!!!

Ok my summer is almost over.  We got back Sunday from yet another wonderful vacation.  It started off with Ron's family reunion which was lots of fun in spite of the rain that came too.  Then it was off to Conconully for a nice stay at Shady Pines and lot of quad riding. It has been a few years since we were there but it hasn't changed which is wonderful.  We put a lot of miles on our atv's and saw lots of pretty sites.  The deer are thick in that area and we rode into town every nite to watch them wander into the park.  We would sit on the side of the rode and just wait for them to wander by.  Oh man do I love the peace and tranquility of that area.  I cancelled my dr appointment because I am tight enough and I had a ton of beans to deal with when we got home....we picked a 5 gallon bucket which translated to 33 pints in the jar.  Monday was my bid day and I have been stressing over that because  it was jump out the bus day too.  I have avoided having to do that the last 2 years do to surgery and I wasn't feeling to confident that I would be able to do it and I didn't make it my first time.  I was stressing big time at that point but did it again and made it with 2 seconds to spare.  whew.  I never would have made it with out lossing the 72 pounds.  I cried when I made it....yikes I can be so emotional sometimes.  Ross gave me a hug and I told him that I would be much better next year...and I will. 

I don't know why they always have to mess with the routes.  I had called Tami and had her check my route and it was no surprise that they had not kept it together.  I knew last year when I had it so easy that I probably wouldn't luck out and be able to do the same thing this year and I was right.  Now that hard part...what to do and what to pick.  I have been debating whether to go to sped and actually thought I might make the switch this year but I need to loose a few more pounds before I can handle the physical apspects of the job.  Ron is always so supportive of my decision which really helps.I couldnt justify sitcking with ELL because there was no mid day and the thought of having to sit there for 4 hours just makes me ill so I  decided to go with my re done old route inspite of the fact that I will have to do an elementary run that has 65 kids.  I hope I made the right decision...time will tell.  SO tomorrow it is off to Oregon to get ready for the big garage sale at Dad's and then I will come home on Saturday to do more beans.  Next week I have class, practice my run, and inservice....where did all my free time go....

I have never in my life gone on a vacation and lost weight.  I am lucky if I maintain on vacation but I usually gain.  Sweet hubby will gain 3 pounds and I will gain 7....that is just the way it goes but not this time.  My wonderful band and the fill I got on the 14th did what I have been waiting all this time for the band to do.  I am so proud of the pounds that I have lost prior to this fill but wow, I finally know what good restriction feels like and I am loving it to pieces.  We had a wonderful time on the Oregon coast ... love those quads just a little more now...great seeing Craig and Leslie and where they live and another fun time with Sean, Tam, and the kids.  The weather was Oregon Coast perfect....it couldn't have been any better.  I tried eating corn on the cob and found out that it won't be on my menu anymore....a little sad over that one but I have had lots of corn on the cob in the past and I don't imagine my life is going to be impacted much by not eating corn anymore.  We stopped at Moe's in Cannon Beach on our way home so Ron could get his clam chowder (YUCK) fix and I had my first experience of ordering guiltoff the childrens menu.  I am not much fun to take out anymore as I hate ordering and spending money on something that I am going to eat a few bites of and then not be able to finish.  I had fish and chips and paid them 2 bucks more for halibut (cuz Ron was going to eat what I couldnt) ate one piece and gave the rest to him so it wasn't too bad.  Better that then the meal which was 6 bucks more and came with a bunch of stuff that neither of us could finish.  It doesn't bother me to leave french fries but it seems like such a waste of money to order a big meal that is going to go in the garbage.  There are too many other things that I would rather spend money on.  We went out to breakfast twice on our trip and ordered on meal and split it.  That went really well so we decided it is time for us to try that most of the time (excepte at Moe's cuz I cant stand clam chowder) .  I am 2 poumds away from loosing 70 pounds....WOW...life is soooooo good.

WE are leaving in an hour for our quad riding trip to Sand Lake Oregon and I am so excited to be going down there.  I got a fill on Monday and boy is it working good.  I think I am finally at my sweet spot.  I have to sip my liquids and even though I think I have been being pretty good with my portions, I can't eat as much as I was eating and I am really liking it.  I am at a point in this journey when I have been testing the waters a little to much and I think that is another reason that I only lost 4 pounds last month.  I got on the scale this morning and I am finally in the 240's.  How fantastic is that.  I feel like I was in the 250's forever and I am hoping that I won't camp out in the 240's as long. 

We went to Ron's nephews wedding yesterday.  This is the first time he has seen his sister in years and I have been wanting him to try to mend the fence with her so it was wonderful to see them hugging each other.  I know how hard it is to love someone who has a drinking problem because I certainly have been there but I also knows how much he loves his sister and she needs to know that too. 

He is up now so I guess I better go finish getting ready.  Life is so good!

Wow!!! I can't believe it has been over a month since I have posted an update to my blog.  I have been so busy and gone a great deal just living life.  I had to spend a few days in Oregon after school was out going through things at my dad's. It had a fill on the 16th and then took off the next day.  It wasn't easy trying to get things done and manage my new way of eating because I was staying in a motel but I managed.  I got to go to two baseball games while I was down there and watch both Austin and Garret play.  It is so much fun to see those boys play.  The umpire at Austins game was a guy I used to work with and I havent seen him since I left SBS which was 12 years ago.  It was fun catching up with him inbetween innings and visiting with my ex daughter -in-law and watching Alyce and Corrine play while their brothers were playing.  Robyn came to help each day and brought the kids which was wonderful for me because I haven't seen them for a long time so I got to see 7 of my grand babies on that trip which was wonderful.  I brought back a bunch of stuff....the most important being all the family history stuff (4 briefcases full plus a bag whew).  I got had home and then had to get ready for our fishing trip which was the following week.  We left for Lake Curlew early Sunday morning on our anniversary.  It was so nice to get on the other side of the mountains and we had a lot of fun on our long drive.  The first big test of my weightloss was quickly approaching and I was secretly fretting over it.  We got to Black Beach and got stuff put away in our Cabin and got the boat launched and now it was time to see if I could manage getting into the boat.  It was easy.  I was overwelmed with joy yet one more time.  I have been worrying about this since Ron first asked me if I would like to go but I didn't have a problem at all.  Fishing was a blast even though ron caught the first fish.  That doesn't happen very often and when he had 3 on the boat and I didn't have any I was beginning to wonder what the heck was going on.  We laughed about the fact that Craig would never believe it since he always tells people that if they want to catch anything they need to make sure I stay on shore with no pole but then I got a hit.  Ron's fish were nice 12 inch pan fish but I got a beautiful fat 18 inch which was bigger then his 3 fish put together .... and then I got another one.  We decided that we had enough for one night and headed in.  I cooked one of my big ones for dinner and got a reality check.  Before my surgery I would have eaten the whole thing with out a problem.  In my haste to eat that beautiful fish I took too big of a bite and had to go to the bathroom as it came back up.  I waited for a few minutes and took a tiny bite...it went down fine but when I was full, I still had a lot of fish left...I don't think I even ate a quarter of it.  Sheesh.  I don't know why I thought I would be able to eat the whole thing silly silly me.  I also discovered that I can only eat 2 or 3 cherries.  Thank goodness Sean, Tam, and kids finally got there so someone could finish my fish.  The next day I cooked one of the pan sized fish for breakfast and managed to eat half of it before I was full.  We had so much fun and were able to really relax.  It was so nice and it was hard to come home.  We didn't get to have any vacations last summer because I was busy going to the dr to have my hysterectomy so it was especially nice to have a real vacation.  We came home and I spent the week dyeing fabric and getting it ready to put up on Ebay.  We spent the 4th at the lake with Craig and it was wonderful to watch the fire works and watch the kids doing their fireworks.  The following week I had to go to Oregon again and then work on Ebay and get ready to go camping for our long weekend.  Again we had a great time but I was disappointed in myself because I still can't manage to ride my bike.  I took a spill which is depressing but I must concentrate on my victories instead of crying over what I still can't do.  We got home from our camping trip with just enough time for me to hop in the shower and  get to the Dr for a fill.  I knew the scale was not going to show much loss as I haven't been as "good" with my food choices this last month as I have been in previous months.  I only lost 4 pounds and the Dr was concerned.  I told him that I have been on vacation and away from home so while I would have liked to loose more, how many people can be gone on vacation and still loose weight....I know this is a first for me so I am ok with it.  We leave on Sunday for a week on the Oregon Coast.  This time we are taking our quads.  We will be camping just 10 minutes from Craigs house so I am excited to spend some more time with m son and grand kids.  We will go to Garrets baseball games on Sunday....county tournament (his team is seated 1st)  I don't know what I enjoy more, watching him play or watching my son coach... both of those things just make my heart sing.  So that catches me up .  I am loving liveing life in my smaller body and can't begin to imagine what it will be like next summer.  I am so happy that I had my surgery :-)