Sam I Am

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November 21, 2008

I haven't posted in about a week mainly because I have been trying to adjust to how different things are. When I left you last time I was completely focused on food, thinking and dreaming about what I would eat, when I could eat it, how excited I would be to be able to feel normal again.

I am now on the opposite end of the spectrum, no only am I not thinking about food I am completely repulsed by it. Eating is a chore, there is no more joy in it. My life is consumed by food rules, how much I can eat, when I should eat it, how I should chew it, what order I should eat it in and even when I follow the rules some things just don't feel great. Tonight I ventured out to a restaurant for the first time since the surgery. I went to Red Robin with Jeff and my parents to have a belated birthday celebration. I was able to eat about one third of the burger patty and that was it. Right now I'll just keep trying, one day at a time until eating feels normal again. I've talked to others who have had this surgery and they assure me that the way I feel is normal and that it does go away, eventually.

On a positive note, I am down 42 pounds, bad part is my wedding rings are getting very loose, I can probably wear them for another month at the most, then it will be on to a cheap wedding band until it is time to resize them.

November 11, 2008

One of the benefits of this surgery is that most people never feel hungry again. I can honestly say I'm not hungry, even though I am existing on about 300 calories a day I do not feel hunger. I am occasionally thirsty. That being said, I am more focused on food now than I have ever been, I believe it is because I can't have it. The doctor's have assured me that once I can eat again the fixation with food will go away. Right now I'm watching the food network, when a tv show has food in it I focus in on what others are eating and long for the day when I can eat food again.

I have started a grocery list and looked for recipes that I can eat after surgery.

The therapists call this head hunger, and now that I can no longer feel physical hunger, I realize how much was truly in my head. This will be my cross to bear and the thing that I must work the hardest on to make sure that this surgery is successful.

November 9, 2008

Things have been going so good that there was bound to be some set back. The last few days I have felt a little blah and had a stomach ache, I assumed it was just some residual pain from the surgery, but tonight I put two and two together and figured out it was milk. I knew this was a likely side effect but was *hoping* I wouldn't be in the majority that has this side effect. It is likely that I will still be able to eat things with milk in them and just can't drink a glass of milk. If that is the case it is not the end of the world.

November 9, 2008


I haven't needed narcotic pain killers in a few days but I felt like I needed something, so I decided to take tylenol. The pills make my stomach feel full so I decided I would try children's liquid. That was a mistake, it did not agree with my stomach and I could feel it burning as it went down, so instead I decided to make tomato soup with protein powder. If there is one thing I underestimated about this surgery it was how hard the liquid diet would be. I thought I was prepared, I have every flavor protein powder out there and I don't want any of it, the idea and smell of it are revolting to me right now. I went out and bought some creamy soups to mix with my protein powder thinking that would help, it has a little but not really. I'm just going to have to suck it up and be a big girl, but I am counting down until the 17th when I can have real food again.

I've been home for a week and I honestly don't feel like I had surgery. I've lost thirty pounds. To be fair I gained ten while I was in the hospital and I believe I was retaining quite a bit of fluid when I went into the hospital so a lot of the weight loss may be fluid, but it still feels good to see those numbers on the scale.

My incisions are tiny, less than half an inch each and aside from the occasional itching do not bother me. I have no internal pain and I'm completely off of my narcotic pain killers. I believe I'm doing so well because for once in my life I am focusing on me, taking care of myself and not allowing myself to play second fiddle to everything else going on in my life. I still get tired easily and I am sleeping a lot, but at this point I don't expect any major or even minor complications.

I sit here day after day drinking liquid out of a 1 ounce medicine cup every 15 minutes. If that does not sound like enough to drive someone insane try it for a few hours. If I never see a medicine cup again that will be ok.

I am however going insane from drinking protein shakes. I am not hungry and though I am currently existing on about 300 calories a day, I don't feel hungry, weak, lightheaded or any of the things you would expect from such a drastically restricted diet. It is amazing to me how much of my hunger before really was all in my head.

The next morning the nurse came in and said that the surgeon had indicated my catheter could be removed.  I felt like a real human when that came out.  I was even allowed to take a sponge bath.  I got cleaned up the best I could with  a washcloth and bucket, put on my own pj's and went for a walk around the halls. 

I noticed the nurses never came in after that to ask me to walk.  I don't' know if it was because they were just keeping notes of how many times I went on my own, or if the surgeons orders were that I only had to do it twice.  The walking made me feel much better, but I was usually tired when it was over and went back to sleep.  The nurse then came in and said the cardiac monitor and the pulse ox could be disconnected and all I would have to have was the IV.

After they removed those they came in about every four hours to check my vitals.  I was taking my pain medicine in a pill, but was still getting Zofran through the IV. 

They brought me Carnation Instant Breakfast, broth, bottled water, watered down soup and a popsicle for breakfast.  After no water for more than 24 hours I wanted to guzzle the whole bottle but I restrained myself.

I was keeping down all my liquids, walking and all my vitals were stable so the doctor said I could go home on Saturday morning.  They let me walk out of the hospital and I have been up on the treadmill twice since I got home.  So far so good.  I get tired easily, today I have walked on the treadmill and taken a shower and I think it might be time for a nap.

Around midnight I woke up with some really severe chest pains.  I started hitting the nurses call button and layed there for about an hour just hitting the button over and over again, and no one came.

I was not able to take a deep breath because of the pain and so I couldn't yell out, they would not have heard me anyway, the woman in the next room was pucking and yelling.  At this point I could not have gotten myself out of bed, there was no way for me to maneuver without ripping my catheter or IV out.  So I disconnected my heart monitor and pulse ox.  Finally after twenty minutes someone came.  The nurse checked my vitals and Dr. Porteneir's intern came, after about twenty minutes they determined that I was ok and the pain was the gas bubbles settling under my ribs.  It was scary.

My surgery was at Durham Regional Hospital and while the nurses overall were great and everyone that came into the room (except for one) was kind and respected my dignity, there were many times when I asked for something simple and no one came.  For example, it took them six hours to get the compression boots for my feet to prevent clots, I asked for a heating pad and got it the next day, it took three hours to get a bottle of water and then the incident with the call button.  Dr. Porteneir's intern was upset about that and said she was going to say something to the administration, I hope she does cause I could have saved myself a whole lot of fear.

The surgeon, anesthesia and all the doctor's I saw after the surgery were great and so far I have not had any complications, but if I could have chosen a more attentive hospital I would have.

I have had two bad moments during this surgery and this was the first one.  They brought me out of anesthesia really slow because in the past I have had a history of anesthesia induced combativeness.  I woke up and was more nauseous than I had ever been in my whole life.  The nurse kept rubbing her chest with her knuckles and shouting my name to get me to wake up and I was saying no I'm gonna puke.

They hit me with everything they could for nausea.  My bladder also did not wake up right away and they had to give me some drug to stimulate my kidneys.  I remember laying there in pain, all alone and crying over and over that this was a mistake.

When they wheeled me to my room it was awful.  They took me into the elevator and down the hall and all the bouncing made me feel like I was going to die.  My Husband and mom and two friends from OH saw me for the first time and I was laying in the bed crying saying this was a mistake. 

I think it was the first time my Husband was truly freaked out.  To be honest I was really scared as well.  I think right at that moment is when the Fentyl kicked in and I started to feel better, after about an hour the nausea started to subside.  My memory is spotting but I remember a nurse asking how I was doing and I said I would be better if you would get some of this shit off of me.

At 9:30pm they got me up and I walked the halls.  I felt so much better.

After they wheeled me way from my Husband and mom they took me into the pre-op anesthesia prep area.  They started an IV there, gave me warm blankets, confirmed what type of surgery I was going to be having.  Checked and re-checked my name a few times.  Dr. Porteneir came to talk to me and asked if I had any last minute questions.    I waited another twenty minutes or so then they gave me Versed and wheeled me to the operating room.

I remember getting off the gurney and onto a metal operating table.  They strapped in my legs and put compression booties on my feet, they also attached my arms to the table and began putting heart monitors on me.  I don't remember anything after that.

Apparently there must have been some delay because my surgery did not start until 2:45 pm.

I woke up and got in the shower and my Husband paced the house like a caged animal.  He checked and re-checked the bags I had packed, the phone list, etc. 

I felt calm and at peace, but nervous.  We got to Durham Regional Hospital and were given a room in the Ambulatory Care Unit.  We checked in at 10am and my surgery was supposed to be at noon.  They took me back to OR prep at 12:45.   The waiting was making me nervous and on top of that the hospitals pager system was broken and I heard three Code Blues while waiting to go back.  When they wheeled me away my mom and Husband started crying.  I was really glad they had each other there for support.  It would have made it much harder if my Husband was going to be out there by himself.