Free2bMe2014
Well... I know it did not just "happen" upon this website by chance... I really think finding OH was the last piece to what has seemed like a never ending puzzle for me.
I have struggled with being overweight my entire life. From the time I was a small child, I can remember being treated differently and not just by the kids at school but by my family as well. As the middle child of three girls, my other sister were small...normal. I was always the brunt of their fat jokes and I can remember always feeling the need to defend myself, prove that I was still nice, and sweet, and smart, even though I was fat. But I never really spoke up about how I felt. Most times I would just laugh it off and cry alone.
One incident in particular that sticks out in my memory was when I was about 11 years old. My parents always hosted family parties and on this particular occasion, most of my extremely large family had congregated at my parents house for food, fun, and fellowship. I remember sitting down with a plate of food with my cousins and as my uncle walked by, he looked at me and said "Girl, if you keep eating you are going to just explode!" and he began demonstrating just how I would explode, sound effects and all. Immediately everyone around me erupted in laughter and I honestly didn't know what to do. I was hurt and embarrassed and felt this strong sense of shame that I had never felt before. I really wanted to just run away and hide myself from everyone. For the first time I felt like it wasn't okay to be who I was. I felt different, disgusting, and unloved. I remember just sitting there, not really knowing what to say or do so I just sat there. I remember thinking I would have to wait until everyone left to finish my food and I was hungry but dared not to touch or put anything in my mouth, at least not until I was alone. For the first time, I felt like I should probably diet, not eat, starve if necessary to not be so fat. I remember feeling being fat was wrong and being skinny was right and because I was fat, I was wrong.
That was a long time ago but to this day, I carry those feeling of shame with me. I have tried every diet on the planet from weight watchers to literally just not eating. Over the years I have managed to lose hundreds of pounds, only to gain it all back plus some. Right now I am heavier than I have ever been and I am now experiencing physical problems like swelling in my lower legs, ankles, and feet, shortness of breath, sleep apnea, severe lower back and knee pain, chronic fatigue and just overall no energy to do anything at all. The
The physical is only part of it. I feel like my size is... offensive, for lack of a better word. I feel gross... and I'd rather not go out or be in public settings. I think because I am so preoccupied with my weight, everyone else is too. And you can forget about dating, if someone by chance does express an interest in me I automatically think something is wrong with him... why in the world would he be attracted to me?? Is he desperate? He MUST be desperate!
I'm always thinking when I lose this weight, I will do this and I will do that... when I lose this weight I will go here, and I will go there ... and life will be good. And here I am, living in this fantasy of what my life would be only if... I'm only 35 and this is no way to live.
I need help and although I have been contemplating bariatric surgery for 5 years now, I think I am finally ready to go ahead and make this decision.
I know it's not a quick fix and that it won't be easy. I realize it will take a lot of work but I am ready. I want to be free from not only the physical limitations I have, but from the mental prison I have lived in my entire life.
I want to be free to be me...
