georgeannmanning
My How Things Have Changed
Apr 21, 2011
I have lost 55 lbs as of today.
There has been so much going on lately, so i will have to give you the nutshell version.
Back in September of this year, I went through a very big emotional crisis. Something in particular triggered it, and it was kind of a culmination of lots of things that had happened over the years, but came to a pinnacle one day. That day i did nothing but cry the whole day, and into the next. i lost my appetite completely and when i did finally get so physically hungry that i needed to eat something, food did not appeal to me, so I just ate a couple peices of turkey lunch meat, and a piece of string cheese. that was all i had after 2 days. then the next day, i did the same thing. but at the same time, part of this emotional crisis was something that was good. and i know it sounds silly, but when i would think about this good thing, i would dance. so for several weeks all i would eat was turkey lunch meat, string cheese, and maybe some Wheat thins once or twice a day. i would add a few things here and there, or i would eat maybe twice a day.
i lost 20 lbs in about 1 month. by the 2nd month i had lost another 20. From there, i would kind of eat regularly here and there, but usually once or maybe twice a day. and i would snack every once in a while if my stomach says i needed to eat something. I would also dance for about 15 minutes every day, or any moment i could (while no one was watching, haha)
by the 3rd month, I had gone from about 265 to 227. Thats close to 40 lbs! wow. I couldn't believe it. i still don't know how it happened, i really wasn't actually TRYING. I mean, I knew it was happening, but i wasnt having to make an effort.
So over the next several months, i slowly lost another 10 lbs. I was the same, kind of gaining and losing the same 5 lbs over and over, but i have added more food to my eating, but trying to steer clear of carbs and sugar. I have also added a few more excersizes and about 2 weeks ago i started running the treadmill. When i started, i could only run about a minute without thinking i was going to DIE! and i told myself every day i needed to, because i had to excersize my heart. that is more important to me than the weight loss. My heart has been giving me big time problems lately, and i have been very scared because of it. Since i don't have insurance, i couldnt get it checked out, but i am hoping that it just needs to be worked, and i have to tell you, i do feel better.
So here it is 2 weeks later from when i began the running, and i am up to 4 minutes now. I still feel like i am going to die when i have to stop, but at least i am consistent and up to 4 minutes! yay me!
I also wanted to say that after like the 2nd month of the rapid weight loss, my hair started falling out like CRAZY!!! and on top of that, it seems like the grey hair popped out all over the place overnight! it could have been the stress i was going through too, or a combination of the rapid weight loss, malnutrion, and stress. I can tell you that i got tons of wrinkles too. especially around my eyes. might be because the fat on my face isn't there to fill it out any more haha!
But to wrap it up, I will say that as of today I am 214 lbs, and feel better than i have in a LONG time! I have not been this weight since before my son was born....I will tell you that was when i was 18 years old. I am now 37. There is a lot of psychological stuff that goes along with all this, but i will post that on the next post, just to seperate tham, because this is a lot of reading : )
I will end this post by saying that I am fairly happy with the WEIGHT portion of this all, although there are other things i would like to see happen, but i will talk about that in the next post. My ultimate goal would be to get to 200 lbs. Although i would be content weight wise if i stayed right where i was.
A New Year
Jan 01, 2010
It is now January 2, 2010. There has not been any progress on getting any closer to acheiving WLS.
We are still in the same boat financially, I still have no insurance, and I'm still as fat as I was when I first blogged. Maybe even a little fatter....I don't really know 'cause I haven't weighed myself in over a year.
I still wear the same size, but I think the weight in my body has shifted, 'cause my clothes fit me a little differently.
Anyway, I still hold that little flicker of hope that some day......some day......
I'll update you again next year (lol!)
Spilling my thoughts
Dec 20, 2007
I had a few things happen this week that made me want to come here and "talk" about it. I can't really talk about my "weight issues" to anyone, cause I'm the biggest one in my little circle of people I know. When I say "weight issues", I am including all, like the mental along with the physical. This is kind of my therapy.
Things in general have been pretty good this week, but I am just so very angry at my body. I have just noticed every single day, I show more and more signs of aging. It really upsets me, because I feel like I have been somehow cheated out of youth. From the time of childhood, everyone thought I was older than I was, then in my teen years, and then, I had my son when I was barely 19, so that will make you grow up real quick. So it was "responsible parent" from them on, up until now. And of course after my son was born, it was like I aged 10 years in 2 weeks time. Something happened to my body. Everything from my hair, skin, and nails changed. And of course I was heavy all that time. Now here it is, 15 years later. I am only 34. I feel like I am 40+. I have all the aches and pains, can barely get up from a kneeling position without severe pain in my knees. I had a little girl 4 years ago when I was 30. Something happened after she was born too! what I had left, got worse! my hair started falling out a bit, lost its luster, my teeth really started having problems, my skin lost its elasticity almost immediately after, and I started having cramps with my TOM, which I have NEVER really had a problem with in the past. I am also noticing wrinkles just taking over my face, my skin getting crepe-y and my hands are starting to look very old.
The other day, I was lucky enough to get a few minutes of alone time, and I was just noticing this stuff and it really started to bother me. I feel like I have always been old before my time. And this weight does not help one bit. I read so many blogs about how after the weight is gone, they are able to live again. They feel so young and energetic. I always feel so old and run down. I want to salvage what youth I may still have locked away under this bondage of fat. I want to feel youthful and alive.
Also, something else happened this week that really struck me. I had actually been not eating very much, kind of nibbling, moreso. I know I was eating less than I normally do, and not really like I was trying, it was just happening on its own. I would take a few bites of something and be done with it until the next time hunger hit me. Well, the other day, I made my husband some frozen Beef and Broccoli frozen chinese food for his lunch. I had never tried that particular product before, and thought I would give it a shot. So I cook it, and it smells pretty good. Well, my hubby doesn't really eat broccoli much, so after it was done, I decided to eat most of the broccoli pieces. Turns out there were quite a few. I try it. It is pretty good! I pick out the broccoli, eat them, and after eating about half of the pieces in there, I get full. But I take a few more bites. By this time, I am really full. But I still eat a few more bites. Now I am so full, I am in pain. But yet, I still eat more. I could not stop. Literally could not stop. I was in pain, and literally on the verge of vomiting, but still trying to eat it.
the weirdest part about it was, that it seemed I was not under my own control at that point, like my mind was telling me to stop, I NEEDED to stop, but something inside me would not stop. It was kind of scary. My stomach was literally in pain, but after my hubby had come home, eaten his lunch, there was several bites left. Guess What I did after he left. Yep, dangerously full, but ate every last bite of this stuff. And it wasn't even like the best thing I had ever tasted! I mean, It was good, but not great or anything!I I literally could not stop. I could almost hear the argument going on in my head between my my senses and my addiction.
After it was all gone, I stumbled over to my chair and sat there in pain and asked myself over and over why I did that. I did not have an explanation. It was so weird. I kept telling myself I needed to stop. My addiction would override me. All the willpower I could have possibly mustered would not have been able to keep me from doing it, that is how strong it was. It was almost like an instinct. That is the only way I can describe it. That is not the first time that has happened to me either. It doesn't happen everyday, but I can guarantee it happens about 5 times a year. I realized that what I have is truly what I have been calling it. An addiction. And no skeptics rationalizations will ever make me believe otherwise. What I felt was completely uncontrollable. I did not like it at all. I really need help.
On that note, I will update you on my lap band quest. I have now convinced my wonderful husband that if we were ever in a position where either I get insurance that would cover it or if we have the means to pay for it, he would support me in getting it done! This is a major step! Of course those two conditions at this point seem impossible, but who knows! But like I had said, I am getting a little frustrated in thinking that It will take so long that the damage will already be done. I think the thing that bothers me the most, is I have this beautiful little 4 year old girl, who is full of energy all day long and needs constant interaction, and I just literally don't have the energy for her. She was a surprise for my husband and me, and we weren't expecting her. I was just getting my son self sufficient, and here comes another one! I have been a parent for 15 straight years, and I feel like I have another 15 to go till my little one is an adult...that is 30 years of my life just raising kids! After I never had a youth of my own! I am tired! I literally do not have the energy that poor little girl needs me to have to have the best upbringing that she can, and it makes me feel so guilty and awful!
I get so disheartened cause I will try to make a change in either my eating habits or adding excersize, but the results are that I will literally GAIN weight every time! Every time! And even before this eating binge I went on the other day, I hadn't done anything much different, but I had added a few little excersizes during the day, just small ones, and I gained 5 lbs! I am now exactly what I was when I was at my heaviest before. It is so upsetting and depressing. I am as fat as I have ever been and I can't seem to do anything about it. I am as tired and worn out as I have ever been. I am as old as I have ever been and not getting one second younger. If this keeps up, I will not have any knees left to have a life with if I ever get the surgery like I dream of. ***sighhhhh***
well, I am getting sleepy, So I will go drag my fat body in to bed so that I can wake up 3 times because my knees are bugging me so bad while I am trying to sleep............
losing....but not weight
Oct 03, 2007
Well, I wish I had better news to report as of late, but unfortunately, I don’t. That job I got didn’t pan out. I got fired, but I can guarantee it was nothing I did. I have had 11 jobs in my working lifetime, and not one of them have I ever been fired from, never even had to be disciplined, and every one of them were sorry to see me go! And I can guarantee, at least half of those jobs were WAY more difficult and stressful than this one! I was working 3-5 hours 3-4 days a week at a SCRAPBOOK STORE! I am pretty much convinced that I was discriminated against. It is a really long story, but lets just say that the night I had to work with the owners daughter, who happens to be 15 and what I call a “foof” (a young, pretty, shallow, vain girl) the next day, I found out that the owners daughter had gone home and told her mom a bunch of untrue stories about me, and basically made me out to be lazy, stupid, and untrustworthy. Truth is, I worked harder than her that night, knew more than she did, and I took the initiative when she wasn’t sure about things! Little Snot!
Anyway, there is more to the story too that I won’t get into, but all in all, I am not being overly sensitive about it, I know for a fact that both the mom and the daughter made assumptions and I think discriminated against me. Of course I can’t prove it, when the mom fired me a week later, (which I know she waited a week cause she needed to find a replacement first) the mom said it was because I wasn’t ready to close the store by myself yet and I should have been. Truth is, I probably could have been ready in in a few more days, but she was comparing me to the other girls she hired the same time as me, who worked at her other store, worked more hours and more days than me. Plus the other store is about 4 times busier than the one I worked at. It really was a fluke. I was so upset about the whole thing, because I was nervous enough about starting a new job, and I thought I was doing well, and then out of nowhere comes this. After that night I had worked with the daughter and then finding out what she had said about me the following day, I had asked some of the other girls I worked with how they thought I was doing, and they said they thought I was doing pretty good. They said that when the owner asked them how I was doing they told her that I was doing pretty good too. I had a few minor weak points, but I was completely aware of them and was working on them. The day she fired me, I was devastated. Not for losing the job, cause I was really making a joke of a salary, but I loved working there and the hours were very convenient. I was upset because I had never…ever… been fired before. Especially for poor performance! My self esteem was completely blown to pieces.
However! I live in a semi-small town (believe it or not, Boise is still like a small town, for now) and this was the only scrapbook store for a long time but now they have a few more, but my point is, that I found out from several people that not only is the daughter known to be the type of person who would tell untrue stories about people, but I also found out that the owner is not a very nice person either. I had only met the owner 3 times. For my interview, the night she came to pick up her daughter after work, and the day she fired me. Oh, by the way, the owner is kind of like the manager too. So after finding out all this, from more than one source, I felt a lot better. I was feeling more assured that it WASN’T me, but then it made me wonder if they did these things cause I was the only heavy one working there. Those are the kind of assumptions we heavy people get all the time. Lazy, stupid, and untrustworthy.
I am so sick of being treated that way. I come to Obesity help and read so many of the success stories and how different things are for them and how differently they are treated. In a way it gives me hope, but then I remember my situation. We are poor. And now I am not working again. The reason I got that job is because it would work as far as scheduling. It would not be worth it to put my daughter in daycare so I can turn around and hand my paycheck over to the daycare. That is why I don’t work during the day. Anyway, I know if we were desperate enough I would have to make some bigtime sacrifices, but that is not my point here. My point is that I feel like having WLS is farther and farther from my grasp. I don’t want to have to wait and live year after year of self hatred and misery until that far off day comes where I can finally afford it but am too old to enjoy it or for it to be beneficial cause the weight has already taken its toll. In case you haven’t read my previous blogs, most, if not all insurances here in Idaho will not cover WLS. I would most likely have to be a self pay. But right now, we are struggling so much to get by week by week. WE had some medical bills for my husband that came (and he HAS insurance!) and it was bad enough before, but adding those bills is making almost impossible. We are doing what we can and exploring every avenue as far as assistance for those things. But we are almost out of options. Sorry for my boo-hoo story, but this is what’s on my mind today.
I guess to sum it all up, I am feeling like having the Lap band is almost a myth for me now. I will be stuck in this body feeling like crap for the rest of my life, however long that might be. Every day that goes by is a new ache, pain, creak or pop. The joints are really starting to bother me, and now I am having back issues that I know are related to my weight. I have just recently joined the praise team at my church, and so now I will be onstage more, and I feel uncomfortable every time I am up there cause I know I am the biggest one of the group! I am so self conscious all the time. I am tired of being invisible, but yet have everyone looking at me at the same time. You all know what I am talking about. I am tired of being assumed to be lazy, stupid and untrustworthy. I am tired of hiding. And not wanting to participate. And being judged in a negative way. I am tired of my ever fluctuating weight. Will I be 5 lbs heavier today than I was yesterday? 3 lbs less? Just so I can gain back 4lbs the next day? I am tired of working so hard to lose either to have it stop at 5 lb loss and then have it return almost instantly. I am tired of knowing there is a way to help me out there, but I can’t have it because that little obstacle called money. Everything else is in place. I have a wonderful husband and kids, A beautiful savior who loves me, good friends and family, but I just can’t love myself because the resentment I have towards my body and the negativity that being heavy brings. Anyone who is overweight can relate.
Ok, I will move on now. I think I got my whining out of my system.
Something happened at the store the other day that kind of offended me but I thought was funny at the same time. I was pushing my shopping cart around the corner and there were these two guys coming my direction. One was older and one was about my age. Well , when you are maneuvering your shopping cart, and you see someone around the corner, you tend to make eye contact with them. Now, once or twice I have had guys flirt with me before in the past, , and when they do, you get a particular look like they think you are attractive. Way different from the look you get from everybody else, which is the look like they see you, but don’t want to acknowledge you…So these guys look at me and give me the look like they think I am somewhat attractive. I actually thought I looked good that day, my hair was down and in a flattering style, I happened to be wearing an outfit that made me look pretty good, so for a second, I was kind of flattered that they looked at me like that. So they let me walk past, and I was a little uncomfortable doing that, cause then I know they are looking at me, and I don’t like being scrutinized. After I walked past, I heard one of the guys say to the other guy: “Meh”. Kind of like he was saying I was is just OK. And then he continued on to say to the other guy: “ I like ‘em better when they’re…..” and I couldn’t hear them after that. I had just been RATED! I was just “Meh”! Well, I guess that’s better than “Eww!” which I have also gotten in my lifetime. Along with (in a mean way) “whoa!” “Fat Girl” ” Big Mama” “fatso” ”Tubalard” and my favorite, the booming sound with my steps as I walk. I have literally had people turn their chairs away from me after I sat down next to them at wedding receptions. I have had people I don’t know tell me that “I don’t need that” when I was carrying a free sample of apple pie at Costco. You know how small those samples are. I have always been put in the back of pictures. I have gotten the look and treatment of being out of place by all the skinny moms at a birthday party my daughter was invited to. My list could go on and on forever. Again, I am just writing what’s on my mind today. Having a pity party for myself.
So to sum it all up, I lost my job, which is probably for the best, seeing how the owner and her daughter are, I am still insurance-less and penniless. My hope for WLS is slowly fading cause the $$ situation just gets worse and worse, my health is starting to conspire against me, and I am not getting any younger. I was ok for a while with who I am, and for the most part, I am fine with who I am as a person. But this body of mine is such a liability and hindrance for me, I can hardly stand it. It is really starting to affect me mentally and physically. Oh, and I have gained another 3 lbs from my average weight. I’m getting fatter.Sighhhhhhhhhh.......
Sep 12, 2007
I have so much on my mind right now, I don't know where to begin. Well, that depression that I had talked about before that comes around every so often, has decided to stop by the last few days. Things have really been bothering me pretty harshly and I really don't have anyone I feel like I can talk to about it right now, so I decided to come here.
Money has really been an issue as of late. I finally got a part time job to help a little with the finances. It will take a little time to get back to where we are "doing ok" as opposed to basically living off of a miracle like we are right now.
My husband and I have not been getting along very well recently, and it is not like we are fighting, cause we really don't fight, but we are just not even spending any time with each other and when we do, we both have attitudes like we have had a bad day and really don't want to be bothered with each other. Its not even really like we aren't getting along, its more....I don't know.....lack of emotional intimacy at all. But I didn't come here to spill all my marital woes. But it does have a part in things. Anyway, to move on, I have been terribly busy the last 2 weeks, more so than usual, which is probably just throwing me for a tailspin and my brain and body doesn't know how to handle it and it deals with it by making me depressed. Who knows.
But on top of all of this, (here comes the pity party) I am just completely tired of being me. the physical part. but a lot of who I am mentally and emotionally has to do with the physical. It is all connected.
I used to live in Southern California. A lot of people have a misconception that everyone in So. Cal is thin and beautiful. Well, that may be true for Beverly Hills or Orange County, but not for everywhere else. There is a mix of people. So you had a little of everything, and I kind of felt like I at least fit into a niche, even if it wasn't the majority. But then we moved to Boise, Idaho. Let me tell you about the people here. Half of the people are just normal and plain. the other half are so beautiful! There are so many drop dead gorgeous girls around here! Every time I go into public It makes me feel so ugly! and everyone is so thin/fit around here too! SO of course everywhere I go, I stand out cause I am so heavy! I hate that! and let me tell you, I totally feel it. I get the "invisible" thing like crazy here. Dont get me wrong, I love it here so much, but it makes me feel awful and so out of place by being so heavy. When I go to a get together and I don't know many people there, I get almost completely ignored. I say something and its like I haven't said anything. It's not that these people are intentionally being mean, they just ignore me. it really is a self esteem killer. It makes me not want to go out or be with people. or do much of anything for that matter.
I was really afraid when I went for my job interview because i thought for sure she would not want to hire a fat girl. I went into my interview with confidence (albeit the most nervous, worried, self conscious confidence I could muster) and tried to be as eloquent as possible, and I ended up getting the job! now granted, it is just at a scrapbook store, so its not like I was interviewing to be the head of a corporation or anything, but it still mattered to me. But the very first customers I had were a couple of very prissy looking young ladies. The girl who was training me was young, cute, and of course, thin. These ladies didn't really know I was training, and even though I was standing right in front of them, they wouldn't talk to me, they only wanted to talk to the girl who was training me. When I would talk to them or ask them basic conversationalist questions, they again, wouldn't really talk to me or they would look at me for a couple seconds like " are you for real?" and then half heartedly answer my question in the shortest terms possible and look away while doing so. It was very disheartening. So I just stood there and finally stopped talking to them and let the girl who was training me finish up with them. But stuff like this happens every day. Even at church. I don't want to sound like I am insulting the people at church, cause they are all wonderful people. But anytime there is a group, ESPECIALLY when it's men, I might as well not even try to be part of the conversation, cause even if I say something, its as though I have said nothing. they won't look at me, and even if they are answering a question I asked, they won't look at me. My husband is wonderful though, and always hears me when I say something. By the way, even though we are having a tough time right now, I still love him.
But I could go on and on and on about the everyday treatment I get. It is really taking its toll on me very heavily. and to top all of this off, I had my 34th birthday yesterday, and it was pretty un-happy. I won't get into it, but I kind of feel like I would have been better off if yesterday never happened. Everyday I look in the mirror I dislike what I see more and more. I am not getting any younger, and I am definitely not getting any lighter. Those pounds I lost last time I wrote? I'll give you one guess. every one of them have come back. And I haven't really changed what I have been eating very much. I am still kind of dealing with that medical issue, but it is not as bad. So anyway, my point is, still as fat as I have ever been and I am really starting to just kind of shut down inside.
-update-
I began writing the above portion a couple weeks ago, and am now just finishing it up. I have since gained an additional 2 lbs. Lovely. Work is going well, I am desperately waiting for my second paycheck. My first one was pretty much spent before I got it. For bills, of course. And all my birthday money went for the same thing. My next few checks are also pretty much spent. For medical bills for my husband from this summer. He has insurance, but I am convinced it is the worst insurance in the world. They pay for practically nothing. I will be looking into some individual insurances for myself to see if any will cover WLS, and what types. I don’t think I will get far though, cause I have yet to hear of anyone having theirs covered by Idaho insurances, unless it was an extreme case, or unless they work for the hospital, military, or the state. None of which apply to me, or my husband. I am pretty much convinced that I will end up being a self-pay one way or another.
I think I have researched WLS so much, that I am pretty much at a point where it is not a matter of if, it is just a matter of getting everything set and then doing it. I have found that diets do not work, and that the only proof I have ever seen of people losing and keeping weight off long term has been WLS. I am a little afraid that I would not be able to keep it up because of my history of failure with every other attempt. But I hear that a lot from those who have had it, and I am hoping that I CAN just like they did. I really want the opportunity to find out. Of course if it doesn’t…..well, basically, I will know for a fact I am a hopeless case in that department. It would be THE last attempt. If WLS wouldn’t work, nothing will.
I know I want the Lap band, for the fact that I don’t want to lose too fast, I don’t want to lose too much, and I want to be able to adjust it as I need. I also don’t want my inner anatomy to change. Too many scary complications could arise. I would rather deal with the complications that COULD happen with the band as opposed to any of the ones that are common with bypass and other similar procedures.
Anyway, I am just transferring my thoughts to text here, so that when the day comes, I can read back and see what I was thinking “way back when.”
i have updated my profile picture and added a few to my photo album so that y'all can see who I am. The one of my band and the one of my little girl and I are pretty good. I have learned how to stand, sit, and turn just right so that I get the "thinnest" picture possible. The one of my husband and I rehearsing for the wedding is a more accurate picture. Although that one exaggerates my rolls a bit, but there is no denying, that is me in all my fat glory. hence the title, "ugh!"
My goals for the future are this:
I want to try my hardest to pay off most or all of our extra bills (the ones that are not regular monthly bills like utilities and such) and then put that money either into a savings account, or towards a loan so that I can have my surgery. It is a little disheartening, cause I know this will take lot of time, and I have been wanting this for several years. It will probably be another year at LEAST, probably more, until any of this will happen. We have a lot of bills to pay. But the worst part is knowing I am getting older and older every single day. I really dream of looking good while I am still young. I will not lie. I want to be looked at by men. And not in a “eww” sort of way. I have never been attractive to men (in general) and I would like once in my life to know what that is like. I want my husband to get a little jealous cause guys are checking me out. I want to be flirted with. And I want to do it while I still have something to work with. I want to be young and attractive, instead of just middle age and thin. I hope anyone reading this doesn’t take this the wrong way, I am not a vain person by any stretch of the imagination, but anyone who had been heavy all their life, I am sure, can relate. We want to be pretty too. We want to be desirable. We want attention. We want to be noticed. We want to be taken seriously. We want to be acknowledged. We want to know what it means to be normal. We want to belong. We want to be special for the first time in our lives.
I hope and pray someday I will know all these things.
Checkin' In
Aug 03, 2007
That got his attention! We had briefly discussed how in the world we would even begin to pay for the procedure, after ruling out insurance, as I have none, and I don't think any insurance in Idaho pays for it. We talked about financing, but that would be such a stretch for us right now, it is just not realistic. I like to dream big, so I am hoping that when I can finally go back to working full time when my daughter starts school next year, with the extra income, we might be able to think about it.
Every day I want to be "on the other side" more and more. When I was first looking into this, I hated being fat, but along with that, i had other things in my life that contributed to me to be seriously depressed. I am so glad I have come through that depression, even though it comes back every once in a blue moon, I definitely am in a better state nowadays. Moving away from California was like the biggest breath of fresh air......almost literally. I couldn't be happier where I am now. Everything in my life is great. Great kids, great husband, love where I live, (having my own house instead of an apartment would be the icing on the cake, but that will come in time!) Great church, etc...But I know how much better life could be, if this weight and all that goes with it were gone. I have assessed my life many, many times, and wondered if I was blaming all my worries and problems on my wieght. Well, come to find out, everything is pretty good, except for this pesky fat and all it entails! heehee! we all know what that means. Still feel uncomfortable walking in a room, I am afraid to go to job interviews, hate shoppinng, get irritated cause i can never find clothes that fit or that don't cost an arm and a leg, so on, and so on. I want to LIVE! I feel like a blob most of the time with no energy or gumption to do much of anything. But beyond that, life is great! Oh and have I mentioned that my joints are really starting to act up now? hmmmmmm...... can only get worse from there.
I have had a medical problem for the past 6 years that flared up again that has caused me to have to really cut back on what i am eating, and I have good days and bad days, but I am happy to report that it has caused me to lose about 6 lbs in the last 3 weeks. But it is not something I am happy to have. But I like the weight loss! I had gotten up to 258, which I could have just given up and died when I saw that. My heaviest in life has been about 260-something. I was inching ever so quickly back up to that 260 mark again. I was terrified. But like I said, my medical condition showed up again and off came 6 lbs! But my worry is, how long will that last? no telling. But I am almost convinced it won't go down much further, and if it does, it won't stay off long. We shall see.
Anyway, I like to come here every so often to blog, just to keep up and so that when I finally see that day where I am on the other side, I will have something to look back at and see how far I have come. And hopefully, my story will be an inspiration to someone else, as so many other blogs on here have been for me. They have really been helpful, and has really kept my hope alive.
I haven't changed much since I had the picture for m profile taken (except I look a little older, since its been 2 years), but maybe I will add an updated picture soon.
Ok, Until next time, my friends!
decisions, decisions!
Dec 13, 2006
Well, I haven't written anything for just about a year, but not much has changed. I still want to lose this darn weight. I think the difference is that now i am truly determined, and I have decided which route I will take. I have decided the LapBand is what would work best for me. From what I am seeing and reading, it looks like there is not much hope to find any insurance that would cover it here in Idaho, so now I have to decide how I am going to go about paying for it. I could probably pay for it if I had a job, except I have a 3 year old that I have refused to put in daycare, because i feel that whenever possible, a child should always have a parent raise them, not some person "babysitting" them. Anyway, my husband has insurance, but like i said, I am pretty sure it won't cover any kind of WLS. So now I need to find an alternative. I refuse to go to Mexico. I have never been there and I never want to go. I lived in So. California most of my life, and that is as close as i ever want to get again.
Anyway, this is my declaration that I WILL have this done, it is just a matter of how and when. But I have already decided to take all the steps possible to get me as close as I can until the time comes. I am going to a seminar next month, and I will see what steps I need to take. I know my husband won't be thrilled with the idea, but maybe I can slowly convince him with new information a little at a time, so he will understand that this can only be a good and beneficial thing for all of us.
He will have a super happy wife.
She will have more energy and a better outlook.
I can get better paying jobs (once my little girl starts school)
I can wear sexy lingerie.
That last one should catch his attention!
I swear. I don't know what is with men and lingerie. Just mention the word, and you suddenly have their complete and undivided attention!
My husband asked me the other day what I wanted for my Christmas present. I mentioned to him a couple little things, and then he has the gall to say: "lingerie?"
That irritated me so much! if you are wondering why, its because first of all, they don't make sexy stuff in my size, secondly, it would be more for HIM, and thirdly, I wish I COULD get some lingerie and feel sexy in it, but because they don't make it in my size, I would be left with choosing something that is,... well, ... not so attractive, which would just depress me and make me feel even less attractive than i already do! So that, and the fact that he asks me that EVERY CHRISTMAS, BIRTHDAY, AND ANNIVERSARY!!! Drives me crazy! NO! I DON'T WANT LINGERIE FOR ANY OF THOSE OCCASIONS!!!! I WOULD RATHER GET NOTHING!
Of course, that never stopped him from getting it for me anyway. Of course, (bless his heart) it was always too small. Do I even need to mention what that does to a girls self esteem? kind of counterproductive. That is why I hate it when he even mentions lingerie.
I do know that I would love to one day go to Victorias Secret and buy something and put it on and have it not only fit, but look ultra hot in it.
I am hoping that this thought in his head will be enough to soften his view on having WLS.
Then of course there are the physical health issues. Gosh! my knees have been killing me lately! It is getting more and more difficult every day to get up off the floor. And tying my shoes? do I even need to go there! I have always been kind of a snorer, but I have also always been heavy. So I don't know if that will subside, but I know I snore like crazy now. My poor husband! and it really is embarassing that he has to nudge his wife in the middle of the night to get me to roll over so I am not shoring his ear off!
I think I may have the sleep apnea. The symptoms that I have read about sometimes describes me. I am really curious to know, actually. I am sure I will eventually have to be tested for that.
Anyway, I wanted to come here and update. Hopefully, I will be back often with news of how things are progressing. I have about 3 weeks until the seminar. I look forward to it! And I am truly hoping this will be the first step in my new journey to an improved me!
Oh, P.S. On Monday, I started a new weight loss and excersize regimen, and I am documenting it, just in case, and it is now Wednesday, and I have literally GAINED 5 lbs in 3 days!!!!! I am of course going to give it about 2 weeks and see how it goes, but this just proves that diets SUCK and DON'T WORK FOR ME!!!!!!!!
ok, until next time!
Hello to the world of WLS
Feb 05, 2006
I am a 32 year old, 5' 7'', 260lb. (not even my highest) married, mother of 2. I have been visiting this site for about 2 years now. Reading lots of profiles and relating to the pre-op stories and hearing about how peoples lives have turned completely around for the better. I have known several people who have had WLS. And I am very seriously considering it for me.
I have been heavy my whole life. I had VERY breifly lost 40lbs. when I was 16, but again, that was breifly. and i think it was eisier then cause i was young and i had never attempted to lose weight before then. But from then on it was struggle after struggle, with no real success beyond about 20 lbs. And that was a major accomplishment. I think this constant fight to lose this weight has taken its toll on me physically and mentally. You tend to feel like you will just die fat, unhappy, and never knowing what this thing called "life" is that everyone is raving about. Never know what it is like to be "normal"
Beyond the comments, (some worse than others),the teasing, and the poor treatment from others, I never really had too many physical problems up until a few years ago. Except for the whole fact that it is difficult to do much physical activity for any length of time beyond maybe 2-5 minutes. and then you feel as though you are at deaths door until you catch your breath.
I was made fun of, and still get made fun of occasionally. But mostly now i just get the whole "invisible" thing. I always feel that most people don't see me as a productive person with a brain, a valid thought, feelings. What i say never matters. It's like when you are heavy, when you speak, it's as though you said nothing at all. any talent you may have, no matter how good, really doesn't exist, cause you are fat. You are never included, forgotten, passed over, always last, I am sure all reading can relate.
And although they act as though you are invisible, they still scrutinize you for all you do. If you are sitting, If you are eating. WHAT you are eating. the clothes you wear. I am tired of feeling like I am just not acceptable. I was watching a Tyra Banks show one day and she happened to be wearing a fat suit. During her lunch break she went into a trailer and had something to eat. ans she said it best when she put it this way: Even though I knew all the people around me, when i went to eat lunch, i felt like i was being judged for eating! not for what I was eating or how much, but that i was eating at all!"
I sat and cried for the longest time, cause that is how i feel every time i eat in public. And when I am alone, I feel the same way about me. It sucks. I want to not be a slave to food or the mental destruction it brings. I want to be healthy and happy. I know life brings challenges, but I KNOW that a lot of things would be easier and bring more happiness if i could eliminate this weight and the problems associated with it. I want to play with my kids. I want to actually WANT to go out into the world and not hide. I want to feel confident and motivated in a job search and actually go and apply for more lucrative jobs. all overweight people know exactly what I am talking about. I want to feel like I belong.
I do get very serious bouts of depression. for the most part, I like to have a positive outlook, but i feel as though sometimes this weight "outweighs" (haha) the positive. overtakes it. crushes it.
I am hoping that after all this time reading others profiles, that by my finally making a profile on here, i am taking my very first little baby step toward a new me. I would like to get the Lap band. I have been researching the different styles for a long time, and i have decided that would be the best route for me.
I have a few more things I have to take care of before taking the next step, but I am convinced i will not stop until I am a lighter, happier, contented, me.
I want to add a list of the things i dream of doing someday. I have seen lists on other profiles and i liked reading them:
*play with my 2 year old
*having energy
*get up off the floor without a 10 minute struggle
*run and not worry if someone might actually see me
*see myself in a mirror and not get disgusted with my own reflection
*actually enjoy getting a picture taken of me
*be rid of the pain in my knees
*not be a constant slave to food
*buy actual lengerie instead of a foundation garment
*not be ashamed in front of my husband
*not be terrified of a bathing suit
*be able to tolerate above 70 degree weather without sweating like a horse
*go somewhere and not be afraid everyone is looking at me
*go somewhere and be ok if everyone IS looking at me
*have my husband be jealous that someone is checking me out instead of me being jealous of all the girls i know he is looking at. (no offense to him, he is a good guy, but he is STILL a guy)
*wear shorts, a tank top, or a summer sleeveless sheath without feeling like a stuffed sausage!
*shop in the misses section of any store anywhere and find something cute, on sale, that actually fits me!
*look forward to excersizing
*look forward to going out at all
*walk in high heels and not be in excruciating pain within 5 minutes
*wear a sexy formal dress
*wear sexy anything!
*be confident and get a good job with good pay
*never be on a "diet" again
*NOT WORRY ABOUT DYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
I look at this list and it all seems like one of those infomercials in the middle of the night that promises all sorts of stuff and you think to yourself: "thats impossible."
Thats how it seems now. I hope that one day i will look back and read this and be able to say i can do or have done every one of these things and much much more!!!!
