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7/1/07

Jul 01, 2007

I never saw this one coming.... My ex husband calls me out of the blue about a week ago. He says he's depressed. He says he never realized what he had till he lost it. He says he wants me back. WHAT?!!!! FIVE F-ing years after he walks out on me and leaves me to raise our three kids by myself with no help from him. Five years of trying to dodge paying his child support. Five years of refusing to speak to me even about the children. WHAT THE HELL. He claims the worst thing he's ever done in his life was leaving us, and he's been ashamed and regretful ever since. My head feels like a bomb exploded in my brain. My divorce was the most painful event of my life. I never saw it coming. He never talked about wanting to separate or divorce. He just left one day and never looked back. I was a mess over it for years. I finally got my head together, and my life in a good place, and NOW HE WANTS TO COME BACK?!!! I don't know how to feel or what to think. I'm overwhelmed. I'm confused and suspicious of his motives. So he left and messed his life up, and I'm supposed to help him pick up the pieces and put it back together? And there's still a little piece of me that misses him, feels sorry for him, and remembers how deeply I loved him when we were married. I lost my identity to him, and I let myself be destroyed emotionally when he left. My life is changing so drastically lately I'm really having a hard time keeping up. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. All of a sudden I'm getting a ton of male attention. I'm going out all the time. I want to date and play the field a bit, but at the same time my kids miss their dad, and having a normal family life. I'm SO confused.

6/8/07- Life is Good...

Jun 07, 2007

Well, the date was PERFECT. It was one of the most enjoyable, romantic nights of my whole life. I was very nervous and he made me feel very comfortable. If I were to go into detail this would be a novel not a blog, so suffice it to say he's a keeper and we have plans to do it again this weekend and next weekend. I can honestly say that I am the most content with my life that I have ever been. I am happy with the here and now. I'm happy with my size, shape and weight. I don't care if I lose another pound. I'm happy with my job, my family and my home. I can honestly say I feel like I've got it all. Last year at this time I was at my all time low. I was totally disgusted with my self and unhappy with every single aspect of my life. I had thoughts of suicide, but I wouldn't have acted on them because of the kids. I can't believe how much things have turned around. I just have to thank God every day. If you would have told me a year ago that things could change so much I'd have never believed it. I have my life back- and it's great.

6/2- OMG! I think I'm gonna throw up!

Jun 02, 2007

I haven't been this nervous...maybe....EVER! Tonight Gary (the new guy) and I are going out for dinner and then to a hotel to spend our first intimate evening together. I am a WRECK!!! We decided it was not a good idea to spend the night together at my house because of the kids, and we can't spend the night at his house because he lives across the street from my PARENTS and they don't know we're dating yet. They know I've always had a crush on him, and when I was about 17 my dad caught us together at my house when I was supposed to be home sick from school. Gary is 11 years older than me, so at that time my dad wasn't very happy.  The awkward part is that my family likes him and his son very much. They talk at least once a week. So I've got to come clean to them soon. He and I fooled around when I was a teenager, so this isn't the first time for us, but it IS THE FIRST TIME SINCE I'VE HAD THREE BABIES,  LOOSE SKIN AND INHUMAN STRETCH MARKS!!!! I haven't slept with this man in 18 years!! I'm so nervous I'm gonna puke! Oh JESUS, wish me luck....

5/30/07

May 30, 2007

I still don't have a handle on why I lose so irregularly. In April I lost 5 lbs. In May I've lost 12 lbs. That's the biggest monthly loss I've had since I was 2 months post-op. What the heck? I haven't had much of an appetite lately, but I think I'm eating in a somewhat normal way. I really am not conciously trying to lose weight. I eat what I'm comfortable with and I don't really think about it anymore. I really do need to add some after pictures to my profile. I'm currently down 99 lbs. This surgery has been an amazing thing. I'm so happy I had it done.

5/24/07 Rethinking goal weight

May 24, 2007

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think I want to get to my goal weight. I can honestly say that I'm REALLY happy where I'm at right now. Maybe it would be nice to lose 15-20 more lbs, but I'm not in any hurry to do so. It seems like all of a sudden I'm getting compliments like crazy at work. To the point that my friend/co-worker is getting really irritated. I've been hit on by more men in the last three weeks than in the last 10 years combined. The skin issues are there but they're not as bad as I thought they'd be. I think if I lost 60 more pounds my skin would look awful. I can't afford, nor do I want to have full body plastics done. I feel AMAZING! Mentally and physically. I know I'm bigger than your average woman, but I carry my weight well. I thought my weight loss was really slowing down in April, but this month I've lost ten pounds in the last three weeks. I WANT the loss to slow down now. I guess I need to start eating more, but I have fallen into an eating routine I'm really comfortable with. I guess I can't have it both ways. I NEVER thought I would get nervous about losing more than I felt comfortable with. What a lovely problem to have...;)

Who's running this show anyway?

May 16, 2007

5/15/07- It's becoming obvious that I'm not in charge of my plateaus or losses. I can't make any sense of why I lost so slowly for the month of April and now all of a sudden things are off and running again. I'm down 95 lbs. I'm about 2 weeks shy of seven months out. That's exactly 60% of my excess weight lost. I'm fairly happy with my loss. I know many others are losing faster than I am. I'm really not discouraged. I keep on losing.  I have had something major happen. I broke things off with my last boyfriend for reasons that have nothing to do with my WLS. THen within days  I saw someone I have had a crush on since I was a teenager. Someone I always wished would show interest in me. He asked if I was still married, and I told him I was divorced. He then asked me if he could take me out sometime. I said yes without hesitation! We exchanged phone numbers and he called me later that night. During our first conversation I told him about my crush on him and he reacted SO positively I was stunned. He has been calling me night and day since then. We've spent countless hours on the phone, and we're having our first real date this weekend after being friends for almost 22 years. I feel like a school girl. I know this would never have happened without this surgery.

4/21/07

Apr 21, 2007

Well, I'm happy that my TOM brought with it my monthly five pound loss. That brings me to 87 lbs in just under six months. I had my longest plateau ever. Almost three weeks long. 
        I'm getting to a point where I'm not so desperate to see the scale move. I'm feeling so much better physically and mentally. Lots of people are noticing my loss and making comments. Some make me feel good, but some people say the stupidest things not realizing how it sounds to me. 
         I seem to notice changes in my size in chunks. I'll be cruising along and all of a sudden I'll notice that ALL my clothes are way too big. It seems like it happens overnight. One day all my bras fit fine, the next day all of them are baggy. What the heck? I now know why people say not to spend too much money on clothes when they're losing like this. I bought a bunch of clothes before going on vacation. That was three weeks ago. Today three of the five pairs of capris and shorts I bought are too big. They fit a bit snugly when I got them. I even tried the next size smaller and they were way too tight. Three whole weeks later  I feel like I just threw away $150 worth of clothes.  I've never dropped a clothes size so fast - EVER. UGH!  On the bright side- I lost another clothes size :). Yeah, it's worth the money.

4/15/07

Apr 15, 2007

I just got home from a week long vacation in Myrtle Beach. I was away from my scale all week, and came home to find that I've only lost one pound since April 1st. I was a very bad girl on vacation. I stayed in a three bedroom condo with my parents and kids, and my dad is a junk-food-a-holic. He had the place stocked with more snacks than an average grocery store has. I normally NEVER snack. I wasn't even a snacker before surgery. I simply don't buy things that tempt me. But I ended up grazing on pretzels and cheese curls and miscellaneous JUNK all week long. And to top it all off, we went out to eat at really nice restaurants twice a day every day all week. I started eating until I was full instead of measuring out my food. I ate a lot of refined carbs, potatoes, butter, sour cream, pasta....all the things I had been avoiding.  I'm very mad at myself. I  can get back on track, but my spirit is really low right now. My six month appointment is coming up in a few weeks, and I'm really thinking about rescheduling it. I don't want to go having only lost 83 lbs. in six months. I thought I'd at least be down 90 lbs. On the up-side... I had a small victory. I didn't need that blasted seatbelt extender on the flight to MB. I was SOOOO relieved that I didn't have to call attention to myself by asking for one. My last plane trip in 2004 was so humiliating. I was happy not to re-live that.

4/1/07

Apr 01, 2007

No foolin today. My scale said 229! Hot friekin' dawg! It's amazing what one little pound can do for my attitude. But I am SO happy to be in the 220's!  It's kinda like I felt to get under 250. I re-read my last blog entry, and I was going to delete it, but instead I'll just say that my lower half was also nauseating BEFORE surgery. I think the difference is  now I'm actually looking at myself in the mirror, where before I didn't. And now I look at myself hoping to like what I see. I do like what I see a lot more than I did pre-op. At least now I can put on clothes and hide what I don't like. Before surgery, there was no hiding it. I looked terrible and enormous no matter what I had on. I'll trade the fat for the skin any day.

3/31/06

Mar 31, 2007

Well I lost 11 lbs in the month of March. Not too impressive, but I'll take what I can get. I'm still holding strong at 230 lbs. It seems like whenever I want to reach a certain weight goal, I stall at one or two pounds above it for what seems like forever. People are really starting to comment on my weight loss (finally- it only took 80 lbs!) I'm kind of in a funk lately, though. Even though I've made this much progress, I feel like I'm light-years away from feeling good about myself. I had to go clothes shopping again, and my bottom half is nauseating! Lumpy, bumpy and saggy. Just plain disgusting. I almost don't even want to lose more weight if my skin is going to look so awful. It's a no-win situation. I have thought all along that I would get plastics when I was done losing. But I hoped  I wouldn't need EXTENSIVE plastics. Now I really think that I'm going to NEED  a LBL, thighplasty, and a breast lift. I think my arms will be okay, but everything else is looking really bad. The up side to not losing any faster than I am is that maybe my skin will have more time to snap back a little. Wishful thinking... I know. Any body know a good sugar daddy?

About Me
Toledo, OH
Location
25.5
BMI
RNY
Surgery
10/31/2006
Surgery Date
Aug 22, 2005
Member Since
Friends 25
Latest Blog 54
7/1/07
6/8/07- Life is Good...
6/2- OMG! I think I'm gonna throw up!
5/30/07
5/24/07 Rethinking goal weight
Who's running this show anyway?
4/21/07
4/15/07
4/1/07
3/31/06
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