HeatherL39
Well let me see....I just turned 40 on 12/29/10:( Knowing my 40th birthday was approaching and being the mother of 2 beautiful children (Gabriel 8 & Maddie 6). I knew it was time to get serious about my health. I was very athletic when I was a teenager even into my early 20's. However as I got older the pounds packed on. I could lose weight. I did atkins, weight watchers and always lost weight...and always put it back on. So here I am. I can't wait to start my journey to a healthy life!
1/10/11
Well tomorrow I meet with Dr Yenamula! I have already been approved by my insuarce, been through all of my pre-op testing, met with the dietician and done the pre-op blood work! Whew! No I see the Dr and hopefully will get a date in 1 1/2 weeks. They are saying it should be scheduled for the end of February. I have been ready for sso long and just want to move on with it. However I still have 4 more classes to take before surgery. It seems like a lot. But I am willing to sit and listen if it means a greater chance of success on the other side. My hubby Jon is going with me tomorrow. He is so nervous about me having surgery. He doesn't think I need it. I appreciate him saying that. But my sore back, hip and knee say I do.
1/11/11
So I went to my appt w/ Dr Yenamula today. My hubby Jon went with me. The dr wants me to hane an egd before surgery:( I understand that he wants to know if there is a problem before he gets in there. But it just pushes my surgery date out even farther. I still have to do 4 weeks of optifast before surgery and take all my classes. If they wait until after the egd which is on 1/28 that puts me into February sometime to start classes and prob March before I have surgery. So frustrated. I have my mind wrapped around getting surgery and dealing with the head hunger issues. I am really ready to just get going. Jon and I got into a little tif over my impatience today. I told him that I know he doesn't understand why I am so ready for this to be moving forward. I know what I am going to need to do and am ready to put my changes to use. I am so tired of my back hurting all the time. It wakes me up at night. Not to mention when I stand up after sitting for any length of time I limp like an 80 year old that needs a walker.
I also want to add that DH is super worried about me having surgery. When he gets worried he gets distant. Yup that is a huge help right now (please add sarcastic tone when reading the last sentence). I am nervous about the impact this will have on our marriage. I have read a lot of blogs where people say the ended up divorced after sugery. Why is that? Do they end up having nothing in common? Does one spouse get jealous? I hope this can bring us together. I hope he sees me being more active and healthy and joins me. When I first started the appoval process he told me he didn't want me to do this for him. I told him the truth I am doing this for me. For me to not be in pain anymore for me to be comfortable in my own skin. For me to be hatched from this shell that I have built around me. The more I thought about him saying that the more I thought about it. Really? I am the mother of 2 younf children, I work full time, 12 hour shifts, am a wife, have a house to take care of. It is about time I do something for me. I spend up to 16 hours a day doing things for everyone else. Cleaning, running errands, shopping, cooking. This is for me! I hope it is a benefit to him to have a thinner healthier wife. Let's just say that we are not exactly active in the intimacy dept. Not for lack of trying on my part either. I would take a roll in the hay nightly. Or for that matter a couple of times nightly. Lol. But he is always the one to have an excuse or just fall asleep. Pretty depressing isn't it? I hear that it isn't because of me. Whatever! That is one of the things that scares me. Am I going to outgrow this marriage? Or is it outshrink? Am I going to be tired of living with a roomate? That is what I am now. We love each other. I know that. But I question how long we can survive with nothing but a friendship between us. I guess that is a mystery that will be solved sonner then later. Well I am
off to cook dinner and start the nightly homework and bath routine.
1/13/11
I am sitting here at 5am drinking one of my precious cups of coffee before I start getting around for work. I am weaning my coffee intake down I know that I will have to be done by the time I have surgery and really don't want to have todeal with a caffeine headache post_op along with everything else. It is one of the things I will really miss. Eventually I know I will be able to enjoy a cup again but I feel like I am mourning losing it. Silly really. I have been really trying to identify my head hunger. I don't want 2 get home after surgery and have to and start the same old bad habits I have used for years. Frustrated, angry, sad, bored.....eat. it will make it all better. Really? I keep reminding myself that coping that way for all of these years has not made it any better. I have stuffed emotions and feelings down with food for so long. Not to mention hiden behind this fat suit that I have built around me. There are times when I look at myself or even when I am just sitting and reading that I think "this is not me, I am buried in this body". Even though it has been forever since I have been even close to a normal weight I feel like I am in a fat suit. This suit that makes my back hurt my hip and knee sore, this fat suit that causes me to stand up and have to take a second to let my body adjust to walk because if I take a step forward too soon it feels like I will just fall down. This fat suit that keeps me from running and playing outside with my Babies. This fat suit that I hide behind when I am walking in a store and think "everyone is watching me and saying l have no right buying chips and cookies". It keeps me from going to school activities because I am afraid that one of these days my Babes friends will start teasing them because their mom is fat. My fat suit stops me from going to my hubbys work. I don't want to embarrass him by having his coworkers see what a cow he is married to.
We were laughing at work about something. I am a health unit coordinator at a hospital. We are also called HUC's. I don't know if I will get the phrase right but it is something like u can be a skinny bitch or a happy fat person but not a fat bitch. When we started talking about this I thought to myself I am. How can u not be bitchy when u are miserable in a fat suit. I totally think that people that are overweight are treated in a different fashion. We are seen as unintelligent, lazy, dirty, slow, people with no motivatio. Being a fat chick myself I know these things are false. However is that one of the things that is keeping my head hunger so active? "Go ahead heather eat the cookie. U can prove to everyone that u are smart and still be fat?" I had a counselor ask me what I thought when I saw a morbidly obese person. I told her I feel sorry for them. But I need to rephrase that now. Now I feel empathy. I think that very few people know what empathy is. Empathy is putting yourself in the same position and trying to understand how that person feels. I know how I feel at my weight. I feel horrible and I am morbidly obese. I hope that doesn't bother anyone when I say all of that. I am sure there are people that can relate to what I am saying though.
I am using this site as a place to ramble on and sort out things that are going through my head. It feels like a safe place to talk about these things. I am frustrated about bot having a surgery date. About having to have a stinking egd before I get a surgery date. Thefavt that the weight loss cented shrouds so much in a veil of mystery when u ask a question about some things. Oh well what can I do? Eat? No! This is a good lesson in patience for me and learning how 2 deal with my frustration in a healthy manner. So I am going to ramble on here instead of eating. Wow! This could turn into a loooong story! Well I am off to the shower so I can go to work. 12 hous of it. Well I am never bored there atleast
1/14/11
Busy day ahead for me. After I take the kids 2 school I am going back to the gym. Probably won't do the hour of cardio I had been doing but back on the treadmill I go! I realize that even being post op my energy level is so much h igher when I go. My Besty Kimberly and I joke about the fatal fatigue you first start exercising. The take a shower but dontt sit down! If you do you are certain to fall asleep where you are sitting. It goes away after a couple of weeks and the energy kicks in. I have to say that Kimberly is certainly my biggest supporter. I could not ask for a better friend. In the past we have dragged each other to the gym even when it was the last thing either of us wanted to do. I am an only child and so is she. Our birthdays are 1 year and 1 day apart. We are sistas from 2 different parents. Lol.
So back to the gym. It would be nice to get a few pounds off before starting my shakes. Don't know when that will be but I figure every little bit helps. Of course I can't drop below a bmi of 40 before I start my shakes. I think that is 250#'s. So 10 would be great! 13 not so great.
1/16/11
Well tomorrow is a new week. I am hoping I get my phone call to set my surgery date! We shall see. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve.
1/19/11
Still waiting:( I think pretty patiently. I have some thought as to why they make you wait so long. I think the whole preparing emotionally thing is one of them. I think this has been good. I have wrapped my head around the changes that I have been making and the multiple others that I will have to make once I have surgery. But on the other hand I occasionally have theses thought of "what am I doing?!" I have a feeling that most people go through this thought process. I had a very busy/depressing day at work yesterday. I got home and I started looking for my long time friend. Comfort food. Instead I talked to my husband. Had a lite dinner and went to bed and watched tv. I can feel when I am reaching for food as a comfort. Stress seems to be a big one. I must have a lot of stress weighing 263#. Lol. Anyways. I can feel it when work gets crazy, when things are nuts at home and when DH and I are not on the same page. Or in the same chapter or book for that matter. I reach for my long time friend food. I have lots of things to do instead of eating. I really want to get some stuff done around the house. But I get stressed then tired and I am foraging in the frig or cupboards for something. It has always been there, it has never been angry whith me, comforted me when I was sad, lonely, betrayed, stressed. But I know that is an unhealthy love. It is a poisonous relationship. That is how I see it at this point. We have all had friends, loved ones or lovers in our lives that are poisonous. Those unhealthy relationships that seem to suck the life out of you. The ones that make you feel good and then knock you down and suck the strength and happiness out of you. I see 2 types of relationships with food. Kind of like and angel on one shoulder and the devil on one. Imagine a cookie with horns and a carrot with a. Halo. Hahahaha. Food for energy and to sustain life but also to enjoy in a healthy quantity and made in a healthy way. But then you have the entire pack of cookies or chips that do nothing to fill your hunger either emotionally or physical needs. I feel like I have been very short tempered avoiding the little devil on my shoulder. It is like a lover who you know is so wrong for you but oh so good in the sack. You will regret it in the am but it sure would be fun now! Kind of warped? Maybe.
So off from work with a loooong list of things to do today. One of those many things is to go to the gym. I did an hour on the treadmill on Monday. 712 calories and 2.75 miles. I am a pretty slow walker. I walk slow and up hill. Thought I was going to fall of when the incline went to 10 percent. Lol. I grabbed the handles straighted my back and dug in! Funny about 25 mins in I am like fuck it! I am done! That passes in about 5 minutes and I feel great. Some times I think I couldd just keep walking. But I know that my back would be toast if I did.
