jbl0811

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Ok so this weekend I had my 20 year high school reunion and I looked hot!! Yes, I must say I did. It was refreshing to walk into a room and lknow that I looked good. I was confident and it showed. M husband said I was the best looking girl there and I actually think that it was true. That felt amazing because of all the work it had taken. Many people said I looked great and I even got a fantastic, which was truly awesome because not one of them had seen me at my heaviest. One guy said "now why didn't we date in high school?" HAHAHAHAHA  That was funny because while I wasn't a wallflower; I wasn't ever even asked out on a date by a boy. I wasn't fat then, but I was a bigger girl. I am almost 6 feet tall and have been since I was about 10 years old. Needless to say, boys always in their minds thought I was bigger than them because when we were little, I was.

Now even the homecoming queen has a few pounds and the "cool" people of which I was on the outskirts; all thought I looked great. While I know this is a superficial thought process, I loved it and really needed that boost of confidence that it has given me. I had two drinks over the weekend, one on each night. I had no side effects but I did nurse the drink over a matter of four hours each night. It just felt better have a red wine glass in my hand. A little like when you are in college and need a little liquid courage.

I made fairly good food choices and didn't have any mishaps. Also two weeks ago I tried on my wedding dress from 8 years ago and it fit.That in itself is awaesome but I am working toward renewing my vows in a size 10!!!

Now i am working on my next goal - run a 5K!!! 6 weeks from now. Can't believe how liberating loaing this weight has been for me. I don't want to forget how good this feels!

ok so I'm down 38 pounds from my pre-op appointment and 32 pounds from surgery date.... yeah I am so proud of myself. This is a crazy adventure. I can make different food choices now and I have made some wrong choices in the last several weeks but I am doing great overall. My scars are fading and look awesome. I went to our pool and felt good about myself for the first time in almost ten years. I am almost to the weight I was the day I got married... I only say that because I want to shatter that number.

I drink a larger protein shake for breakfast in order to start my day right. It helps get all of my protein in. I mix a whey isolate protein with milk and cottage cheese in order to get almost 45g of protein. Then I concentrate on protein first throughout the day.

I am working with a counselor in order to get through my eating issues. For me the poor habits grew over the years, but primarily what I have done is take care of and putting others before myself. Feeling like I wasn't worth taking care of. I allowed myself to accept less than the best. My counselor said some things that rocked me to the core. Things that made me realize that the way I was treating myself was not the way I wanted my daughters to treat themselves. She pointed that out and asked me "Why don't you get the same treatment?"  She gives me mental excercises and items to accomplish that I think are challenging and yet perfect for me to conquer this demon of emotional eating.

TTFN

18 pounds down - yeah!  Saw the surgeon today. My BP was 100/70. I can stop my blood pressure meds!!! woohoo - 2 weeks out. I wasn't expecting that for quite a while. He thought that is what was causing my dizziness this past week.

Had my first soft food meal of chili today and OMG i was full.  No puking but I am wondering if my pouch is still working because I feel like I am able to eat way more than maybe I should. So I brought out the food scale to make sure. I'll let you know how that goes.

Definitely not complaining here.

It has been a whirlwind and i am so happy to say that I have not regretted this for one minute yet!  That day might come but thankfully it is not today!  As far as surgery it was almost a non-event. What I mean is that it went so well the doctor was going to let me out early. I was off of the pain meds by the second day but I have an active home life so he and I thought it would be better to just stay for the next night.  The nurses thought so too. I was practically left alone for 24 hours. Not that it was a bad thing - i had 24 hours of peace and quiet. My kids are young and quite a handful.

I have only had some minor gas pains so far - just uncomfortableness kind-of like being overfull and needing to poo. Lots of gurgling and some burping. I even burped in the middle of a sentence and my dad said " I think I am going to like this"  He thought it was hysterical. My 6 year old said "You're supposed to say excuse me"  yeah yeah I thought; because, I was really trying not to burp again. ha

As far as food, I have been remarkably NOT hungry. no twinge in the belly nothing. Maybe I'll sort of learn what hunger actually feels like since I don't think I've really been hungry in 38 years. I have sat down to dinner with my family on every occasion and had my portion of shake or whatever and just enjoyed being there with them. We had chicken enchiladas last night and I didn't want even one bite. SHOCK and AWE. This morning I made waffles for the girls, since it was Sunday morning and they smelled good and only then at that moment did I want a bite. But alas, my gurgling, burpy, gassy tummy answered my internal question with its own version of "no". 

This is a good one - instead of nausea after surgery, I had it before. The night before my stomach was all in knots and I just threw up. Very weird for me. Then, they took me back for surgery prep and put these hot towels all over me to get my veins to "pop" . After 4 attempts the IV was finally placed. I got so hot and light headed, I almost puked all over the bed. That would definitely NOT have been funny. Even though 2 minutes later I laughed out loud over it.

The worst worry on my mind has been - how difficult will it be to poo?  Now let me tell you, after delivering two extremely large babies - one of which was 12 lbs (yes you read that right) I was very concerned about that event whenever it would happen. 1) I am already predisposed to constipation and 2) When I do go it can be colossal. Not that anyone ever needed to know that. So I have been concerned that the first one would be a huge painful ordeal.... Hallelujah... today the first one came and went without very much pomp and circumstance.  I was sooo relieved, literally and I am sure I lost several pounds in the process.

I have lost weight already. My mom says she can see it in my face. I know that my complexion has really cleared up. I have adult stress acne that rears its ugly self when I am at my most vulnerable, etc.  But in 5 days I have been clean and clear. My counselor would probably say that it is because I am taking care of myself and I agree. Yippee for me.

Oh yeah, had to remember this one - My sweet hubby was too busy and couldn't be bothered to take my pre-op picture properly. He took two and said "ok, that's it"  Which after look ing at them were completely terrible. I have a light over my face because of the place we took the picture. So I had to wait until the next day. In the morning, my mom took me to the hospital and dropped me off and went to park - well the nurse came to get me to prep me soo fast, no picture. I asked the nurse to take two so that's it. This is important because I have made a point of destroying all evidence of my obesity over the years. That in itself is one of the reasons that I chose to do this. I have hundreds, thousands of pictures of my family and I am in only a handful. I like to take my picture and I am somewhat photogenic, but I am so huge that I take up the whole frame. I always hide behind my kids. I put them on my lap. SO I have four pre-op pics.  I will be taking so many post op pictures that I think I'll make up for the last ten years!!!

So glad I did this for myself.

TTFN - ta ta for now

Ok so tomorrow morning is the big day. The surgeon called and they want to move up the time, which I am ok with. I have to be there at 8:30 am. I have been preparing for a couple of days. Making sure all the laundry is done, checklists, babysitter, etc.  My husband has been oblivious to the whole deal. He isn't taking me to the hospital, my mom is. He does have to work but I feel hurt that he doesn't want to be by my side, etc.  

Other than that I am very excited about my new lease on life. I'm ready to turn the page. I deserve it and so do my kids. I'm a bit apprehensive which I think is all normal. I am working with a counselor to get through some of my "issues" because let's face it; I didn't get fat because everything was just fine.i really like her and I can really just talk to her. Life isn't perfect but she helps me deal with my imperfections. ....

I'll see you on the other side......woo hoo

There is is in all it's glory.... the big nasty.... yikes how did I get this far off track? ... I know: 20 lbs. here, 20 lbs. there and pretty soon it's over 100. 

i have completed all the tests and they are going to send to insurance on Monday. I am nervous because I am pretty much self-pay. I researched all of the docs in Mexico and around where I live and talked to my parents and husband about Mexico briefly and they all FREAKED!!!!   Not in a small way but BIG. Soooo, not sure that Mexico is an option. It's going to cost me over $20K to get this done to I'd better make this work, heh?  Funniest part is that my husband is former military and I could have had the surgery then but my work wouldn't allow for the time off. I was not your typical military wife and actually had a job that wasn't tied to the military in some way...my hubby was deployed and working full time with two very young kids, it just wasn't going to work out.

god that sounded bitter...I guess I was.

Tricare would be great right now. Anyway, I have a date for April 20, 2010 right now but could be moved up since my insurance isn't really a consideration. Excited about going to my first support  group meeting on Monday and a great weekend planned wih the family.

J

Done with that. Went well. I didn't learn anything astounding that I hadn't already read on OH.  I guess that means this forum is doing what it should for people. I know it won't be easy but at least i like the foods I am able to eat post-op.... but we shall see.

i am excited and not nervous at this point. Maybe I am naive. Let's get going. I am not  a patient person.

J

So I went for my psych eval and I am not sure what I was expecting but I enjoyed it very much. Just talking about things out loud really helped me emotionally. I have my nutrition visit tomorrow... I called today and they had a cancellation for tomorrow.. yippee  The faster I get all of this done, the quicker I can have surgery.. I have a date April 22, 2010, but I want to see if I can get in sooner. I am having to self-pay for a lot of it because my insurance is from a small business. The folks that are on any kind of government plan or the large corporate plans have so much more going for them. But i am not upset. Surgeon said I was an excellent candidate. I was happy to hear that. No extra tests to take so for that I feel lucky because I would have to pay out of pocket for all of that. My psych wants me to come for weekly discussions and I am looking forward to it. This is a huge change for me and i need someone to helkp me through it.. I am your typical mom that doesn't put herself before anyone or anything else.

Hubby doesn't necessarily want me to do it. Funny because his mom is super supportive and wants to come out and help with the kids when I have the surgery. He is a super fit guy and thinks diet and exercise will "fix" everything. I guess if it did for me I wouldn't look like this. He asked me today if I was doing this in order to get a divorce....woah..seriously?  ummm NO.  I don't even know how to respond to that other than inside I am thinking that this transition is going to be difficult for him.  I am ready for this and I am not sure if he is.

Until next time,
J