KillerPink
Heavy all my life? Yes and no.
Heavier than the other girls? Definately.
Heavier than anyone in my family? Definately not.
Growing up as the only latina girl in my neighborhood as a young child was ... interesting. I wanted so badly to look like the other girls with fair skin and bright blue eyes and dimples. At school I was the total outcast - they'd throw rocks at me during recess and refuse to sit near me at lunch. I guess they thought the fat was contagious. I hated school. I loved learning, but I hated the way the children stared and poked and prodded. At school I was a pariah. At home I was the princess.
My grandfather would be waiting for me every day when I got home with a full block of polly-o mozarella cheese, a pack of Ritz crackers, and however many bananas it took to get through the block and pack. Not a bad snack in and of itself... but ridiculous in volume. Nobody in my family noticed how big I was getting - or if they did they never said anything to me. It wasn't until my 5th grade dance that it dawned on me just how much bigger I was than everyone else. They all had pretty little dresses from the kids dept at Sears. I was wearing an adults size 14 dress.
The story continues much unchanged until my junior year in High School. I had never had a problem getting a "boyfriend" (mostly because I put out from day one as long as you told me you loved me) but that year was my first real heartbreak. I was quite happily dating a boy who treated me with real respct and care - the way a lady should be treated. He had a tragic accident and drowned leaving me totally tossed on my head. Of course I'd had deaths in my life before but this time instead of food I turned to drugs. Hey guess what - being a drug addict makes you skinny!!! lol. Anyway I did some things I wasn't proud of just like everyone else. I got clean and sober and straightened my shit out. By the time I graduated high school I had gained, lost, and re-gained multiple people worth of weight.
140 when I started.
308 at my heaviest.
200 when I graduated.
You'd think that would be enough for me to make a change right? Well it was ... kinda... I didn't change my body. I changed my head. I became the funny snappy spitfire fatchick. I became the tough one who would put you in your place at the drop of a hat. Very few of my friends knew how easily I could break (one of them is probably reading this right now.... HEY CWISSLE!!!)
After faking the funk it kind of started to sink in that I was not defined by my outside. People may say cruel things and shopping may be harder and GOD KNOWS being an actress was ten degrees left of impossible but that was ok. I had friends who loved me, a family who supported me, I found love...
well really thats where the change actually kicked in ... I found love. I found someone who saw me for who I was inside.
Let it never be said that the universe is humorless - the man who I fell for and who fell for me was NOTORIOUS for being shallow, egotistical, superficial, and a womanizer. He liked strippers. His exes sizes added together didn't equal the size I was wearing when we met. He didn't care.
Still doesn't.
We have a beautiful little girl together. I found more love.
I want to play with my daughet painlessly, I want to be around for a long long time to be with her, with him, with them.
I refuse to do this disservice to myself anymore and I will NOT do it to my daughter.
- so I'm here.
