kimran73

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

2012 has been a year filled with ups and downs. It started with me being a drug and alcohol addict, severely depressed and in mental hospital. I then went to rehab for 30 days and am proud to say I have been clean and sober almost 10 months now.  Unfortunately, I developed severe ulcers that landed me in hospital when they started bleeding.  I've been in and out of hospital several times this year. I could no longer keep food or liquids down due to the opening between stomach and intestines being reduced to the size of pinhole. They tried dilation but ulcer is right there and may rupture if they try.  I got down to 100 lbs again after being back up to 130. Due to severe malnutrition, doctor put in a feeding tube. Ulcers are healing with meds and I am able to eat better now. I weighed 112 this morning!! Never thought I'd be excited to gain weight!! On the other hand, the fat mentality is still there and even though I know I have to gain weight, I freak out for a second when the scale goes up. It's like "oh no, here I go again. I'm going to be 300 lbs again". Even though it's been almost 5 years I know I can still gain it back but right now I have to gain weight. I'm nothing but skin and bone literally. I can't just be normal. I have to be one extreme or the other!!  I see doctor next week and hoping since Im eating better he may consider taking feeding tube out.

 

I just thought i'd post a few thoughts of what it's been like. I was doing very well for a while. I got down to 145lbs and was maintaining. I wanted to lose maybe 10 more pounds but was happy where i was. Unfortunately, in Feb 2010 I had a seizure (not related to wls) fell and broke my jaw. More like shattered it. I was wired shut for a month and had to go back on liquid diet, at least i was used to it lol. But because of that my stomach shrank even more. After that i had an external fixator on for 3 months, developed severe inffection and was hospitalized for 6 days and on iv antibiotics for 6 weeks. I was still unable to eat. Everything I tried to eat came up. I went all the way down to 100lbs, had it not been for the excess skin I'm sure it would have been well under 100. I've had a total of 5 surgeries on my jaw but I am able to eat better now. I'm back up to 115lbs. I know i need to gain about another 10 but my mind is still confused. When I see that scale going up I freak out. It is weird being in a size 2. I found it is just as hard to shop for a tiny body as it is a large body people just don't look at you funny. I do enjoy the shocked looked on peoples faces when I say I used to be 300lbs. Sorry I don't have an updated pic but I'm on laptop and don't have any loaded on here.

I got home yesterday.  I am doing so well I can't believe it.  I am in pain of course, I just had major surgery.  But, the pain meds keep it at bay.  I have not had any problems.  Nothing has made me sick.  I guess the only problem I have is the itching.  Oh how it drives me nuts.  I either igonore it long enough it goes away, put my feet under cold water till numb, or take benadryl.  The binder also makes my back itch but have found that taking it off makes the pain much worse, so I'll deal with it.  Anyway, so far so good.

It is 3 am.  I have to be at the hospital in 2 hours.  I just took some pics of myself in just undies.  It was a reality check and a good reminder of why I am doing this.  It is so hard to believe I look like that.  But I do and I wonder why I run out of breath taking a shower.  I am upbeat and excited.  I'm not really nervous at all.  Just ready to do this.  I'm really freaking hungry right now and thirsty.  I couldn't have anything after 12 but I stopped at 11 because I was going to bathroom so much it hurt.  I only had 400 calories today.  I think that is the lowest I have ate since I was a baby.  I just wasn't hungry and could only have clear liquids after breakfast anyway.  Now I could eat a large pizza by myself.  But, that is why I am doing this and I know in a few hours these hunger pains will be gone.  New life here I come.

OMG, only 4 more days.  I can't believe it's almost here.  It seemed like it never would be.  This liquid diet does suck.  I have screwed up on a few days now but have managed to lose 5.5 lbs so far. I'm starting to ge really ansy.  Everything seems to be stressing me out.  I just want to make sure everything and everyone is taken care of while I'm gone.  It seems it has all gotten so complicated lately.  I know i'm just stressed and it's not as bad as it seems but still can't it all just be calm???? Oh and not to metion the whole money situation.  I still have to go to the store to get post-op stuff, pay all my bills, and pay the dr $500.  My daughter actually had the gall to ask me last night if she could go to Six Flags before her trip to Japan (which I need to pay $1350 by May 1) in June.  Are you kidding me???  Get a job and pay for it yourself and you can go.  Ugh so much on my mind.  At least I am happy. 

I began my liquid diet yesterday.  It's not as bad as I thought.  It's actually just the habit of eating that is hard.  I start reaching for things then have to stop myself.  I would just get rid of everything but my daughter does have to eat.  The protein shakes are not bad at all.  Not like I expected.  I'm just so excited.  Only 13 more days. 

Finally I have a surgery date.  It is April 28th.  I'm so excited but at the same time bummed.  It seems so far away.  I just hope it goes by fast.  I have to start my liquid diet on the 14th of April.  I have my pre-op appointment for the 18th of April.  I can't wait for this.

I was approved on 2-20-08.  I have to wait for my doctor's office to have their team meeting and approve me between themselves which I'm sure they will.  Then they will call me to schedule a date.  They said probably 4-7 but my daughter's 16th bday is 4-9 so I told them it would have to be after that so more than likely be 4-14.  I'm going out of my mind right now.  I just want to do it you know.  Get on with my new life.  Plus I'm wanting to look for a new job and obviously I don't want to do that till after surgery due to insurance reasons.  I just need to take a deep breath and relax.  It will happen.  This is really going to happen.

I also told my parents.  To my complete surprise they are totally supportive.  My mom was just like "well, make sure you tell me when you're having it done so I can take the day off of work."  That was not what I was expecting!!!!

So, I went to all those appts.  I have 1 more month on the med supervised diet.  I can't believe how fast the time has went.  The only problem I had was the pshychologist recommended I go to a therapist.  So now I have to do that too.  I already had one appt with her but I have to keep going.  I guess it'll be good to try to find out why I overeat the way I do.  I have put back on all the weight I had lost.  They did find that my thyroid had started messing up again.  So they've increased my meds 2 x's now.  Hopefully this will do it.  I can't have the surgery unless my thyroid is under control.  I'm getting really nervous about the surgery.  Going back and forth is this right for me?  I'm also nervous about telling my parents.  I don't know what they will say.  Everyone else knows and supports me 100%.  It'll probably be March when I have the surgery!!!!

So apparently I am going through with this.  I now have several appointments. 10/30-psychologist, 11/5-physical therapist, 11/15-nutritionist, 11/16-next appt with PCP.  Not to mention I also have a dentist appt on 10/29-I haven't been to one of those in years and my teeth hurt.  I am actually glad for all these appts, they are keeping me busy and making the time go by quicker.  I am 1 month into my 6 month supervised diet.  It's getting easier all the time.  I have actually lost 7.5 lbs.  Of course now my mentality is that if I keep it up at this rate one of two things will happen, I will get under the 40 BMI (I would have to lose 30 or so more lbs for that to happen) or the insurance co will say see this is working you don't need WLS.  So, obviously I'm not trying real hard on this diet but I'm learning so much about food that it's hard not to incorporate it in therefore I'm losing weight.  Which I am happy about.  I haven't smoked in 37 days (big WOOHOO for me) and only miss every once in a great while.  I am on my way to being healthy.  I just want surgery NOW!!!!