Kendra M
That Light Is Probably A Train
Sep 15, 2008
I'm day five with out my sweet elixir of life, Diet Dr. Pepper.
The shakes have pretty much stopped, but every where I turn I see my beloveds face. Mocking me with it's maroon and white beauty, taunting me as if to say "HA HA, SUCKER!" as it dribbles alluringly down the throat of another.
Today, I've managed to leave the fetal position and am mostly stretched out flat on the kitchen floor in my misery.
Perhaps by tomorrow, I'll have stop sniffing the last empty can for a scent of my dearests aroma.
By the end of the week, I may even no longer need to cuddle that empty 2 liter while I sleep!
Oh, what a glorious day that will be!
At least I have good posture.
Sep 11, 2008
So, what if I DON'T have "such a pretty face" when this is all over?
What if, after all of this, I have no booty? I kind of like my booty. I post pictures of it all the time on my "real" blog.
What if, when I'm finally thin, I don't LIKE being thin? What if I'm meant to be fat? Like Babe Ruth? or Roseanne? Or Kristy Alley? What if "fat girl" is my identity and then, when I'm thin, I've lost it? It's not like I'm funny to make up for it.
What if these are just the remanents of the reasons that I've done nothing about my weight so far?
I have to admit, it's kind of comforting. It knows me. My fat I mean. We're friends. We go every where together. Sure, it holds me back from time to time, but in the last twenty years we've established a peace of sorts. I don't let it hang out and it provides me with a remarkable rack. A rack that given the before and after photo's I've seen is going to be a memory by this time next year. Is that any way to treat the girls? After all the free drinks they've gotten me? After the traffic tickets they've gotten me out of? After all the beers I've nestled between them to keep from spilling?
Because when they're gone, all that time I spent learning to put on lipstick with out using my hands is gone too.
Which means I might have to start having something interesting to say.
And I think we know how that's going to end.
Every journey begins with a single step
Sep 10, 2008
The truth is, this is less a step and more of a leap. It's a leap I'm kind of freaking out about.
I've started to make baby steps to the edge of this experience. I'm five months out of six on my "pre surgery" diet, I've got the first appointments out of the way, I've scheduled the testing for the authorization, and I've started to make behavioral changes.
Not that my behavior is bad.
Unless you count the fact that I'm addicted to Diet dr. Pepper. Then maybe. But it's not like it's crack. Well, it's a little like crack. Tasty, tasty, crack.
But you know what I haven't done? I haven't said anything to any of my friends or family about having made these steps.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm scared I won't be approved or if I'm scared that I will.
Then, I Googled "100+ lbs weight loss/before & after pictures" and you know what? Now I'm scared shitless. I don't want to look like Mr. Burns when I'm naked. What if my insurance doesn't cover the reconstructive plastic surgery? Then I'll look worse naked than I do now.
Not that I don't look good naked now. If you're into big, white behinds.
And really? Who isn't?
