Crystal VanderSchans
Sometimes, you are still the fat girl
Jul 03, 2011
Hi Everyone:)
Its been about 10 years since I had my gastric bypass and about 8 1/2 since my tummy tuck and it seems like yesterday that I first got the approval letter and off to surgery I went. There wasnt alot of information at the time, not like today, about the procedure, and I remember so clearly being terrified I would never be able to eat a McDonalds cheeseburger again...ah to have stayed so scared so I didnt experiment....
I lost approx 196lbs, originally 400lbs when I started, dropping down to no less that 209lbs. I was loving life. No longer having to squeeze into a booth, not even bothering with amusement parks because I knew I wouldnt fit in the rides...I was shopping at stores other than Lane Bryant and just enjoying the social scene that being thin was affording me.
But then I got too confident with my new body. I started going out alot, and drinking too much...anyone who has had the surgery understands that since our body processes things different...so I was out of control in no time. I wasnt comfortable in my own skin, it was like looking in the mirror and not seeing Crystal, but this other person who Crystal had thought she always wanted to be. I couldnt get out of the fat girl persona...I would still automattically go the the plus sizes in stores ...and going out and drinking seemed to make me ok .
Through out the years I started to slowly gain the weight back..a few pounds here, a few there...the drinking was certainly putting the pounds back on and I started to see my face fill out again...my collar bone started to disappear little by little...I was upset, but not as much as I should have been..I felt comfortable with fat Crystal. I had met my first boyfriend when I was 26 and we were together for 3 years. the relationship started out great, mostly due to never actually being in a relationship before, but due to the drinking, had been more of a one night stand girl than relationship. It started out great...I was loving the attention...he would tell me I was beautifiul all the time, and as much as I knew he loved me, I would never believe that when he looked at me thats what he saw.
3 years later I broke the man. I was so body conscious I could only make love if I was drinking, which of course gave him a conscious, but I couldnt help myself. the thought of being sober and having him see everything was overwhelming...Now this wasnt the only thing that broke us up, but of course, it was a huge part.....I will always wish him the best....
I had lived in California for over 5 years for work before finally being trasnferred back to Jersey, my home state, for work. I decided to try an online dating service, I did not have high hopes. Low and behold, not even one month later while browsing the adds I saw a profile that caught my eye...and after a few messages and a phone call later, I met my current boyfriend. To say we were the perfect match would be an understatement. ...we were so alike it worked. I had never been so comfortable. We moved very fast and ended up living together before I knew it. And to my surprise, it felt right. And then old demons started coming out. The first time he wanted to make love in the daylight I was so uncomfortable we stopped. I tried to play it off, but my guy, well he is a smart one. I ended up opening up to him more than anyone I ever knew.
My drinking surfaced a few months after moving in. It didnt go well. Unlike the ex, the boyfriend didnt tolerate at home drinking, due to his father being an alcoholic and had treated his mother, who had just passed about 2 years ago bad. I was finding myself sneak drinking, and taking stupid chances...I finally got the ultimatium from him..and for the first time in my life I started to listen...now I wont lie, I do have my relapses, but I also know that I have found something I have wished for since I was a little girl, and I was lucky to find it.
Now with my addiction starting to get under control, I stasrt the process of loosing the weight. In the past 10 years, I have gained 90lbs back from the original loss and I feel it. My boyfriend recently lost 40 lbs and even though i was on the same diet, I cant loose a thing. So I reach out to all you post ops...what can I do? What happens when you are 10 years out of surgery and feel like youa re at the beginning...thabnks for letting me vent :)
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Its been about 10 years since I had my gastric bypass and about 8 1/2 since my tummy tuck and it seems like yesterday that I first got the approval letter and off to surgery I went. There wasnt alot of information at the time, not like today, about the procedure, and I remember so clearly being terrified I would never be able to eat a McDonalds cheeseburger again...ah to have stayed so scared so I didnt experiment....
I lost approx 196lbs, originally 400lbs when I started, dropping down to no less that 209lbs. I was loving life. No longer having to squeeze into a booth, not even bothering with amusement parks because I knew I wouldnt fit in the rides...I was shopping at stores other than Lane Bryant and just enjoying the social scene that being thin was affording me.
But then I got too confident with my new body. I started going out alot, and drinking too much...anyone who has had the surgery understands that since our body processes things different...so I was out of control in no time. I wasnt comfortable in my own skin, it was like looking in the mirror and not seeing Crystal, but this other person who Crystal had thought she always wanted to be. I couldnt get out of the fat girl persona...I would still automattically go the the plus sizes in stores ...and going out and drinking seemed to make me ok .
Through out the years I started to slowly gain the weight back..a few pounds here, a few there...the drinking was certainly putting the pounds back on and I started to see my face fill out again...my collar bone started to disappear little by little...I was upset, but not as much as I should have been..I felt comfortable with fat Crystal. I had met my first boyfriend when I was 26 and we were together for 3 years. the relationship started out great, mostly due to never actually being in a relationship before, but due to the drinking, had been more of a one night stand girl than relationship. It started out great...I was loving the attention...he would tell me I was beautifiul all the time, and as much as I knew he loved me, I would never believe that when he looked at me thats what he saw.
3 years later I broke the man. I was so body conscious I could only make love if I was drinking, which of course gave him a conscious, but I couldnt help myself. the thought of being sober and having him see everything was overwhelming...Now this wasnt the only thing that broke us up, but of course, it was a huge part.....I will always wish him the best....
I had lived in California for over 5 years for work before finally being trasnferred back to Jersey, my home state, for work. I decided to try an online dating service, I did not have high hopes. Low and behold, not even one month later while browsing the adds I saw a profile that caught my eye...and after a few messages and a phone call later, I met my current boyfriend. To say we were the perfect match would be an understatement. ...we were so alike it worked. I had never been so comfortable. We moved very fast and ended up living together before I knew it. And to my surprise, it felt right. And then old demons started coming out. The first time he wanted to make love in the daylight I was so uncomfortable we stopped. I tried to play it off, but my guy, well he is a smart one. I ended up opening up to him more than anyone I ever knew.
My drinking surfaced a few months after moving in. It didnt go well. Unlike the ex, the boyfriend didnt tolerate at home drinking, due to his father being an alcoholic and had treated his mother, who had just passed about 2 years ago bad. I was finding myself sneak drinking, and taking stupid chances...I finally got the ultimatium from him..and for the first time in my life I started to listen...now I wont lie, I do have my relapses, but I also know that I have found something I have wished for since I was a little girl, and I was lucky to find it.
Now with my addiction starting to get under control, I stasrt the process of loosing the weight. In the past 10 years, I have gained 90lbs back from the original loss and I feel it. My boyfriend recently lost 40 lbs and even though i was on the same diet, I cant loose a thing. So I reach out to all you post ops...what can I do? What happens when you are 10 years out of surgery and feel like youa re at the beginning...thabnks for letting me vent :)
