Donna H.
If you are reading this post, you will probably recognize my story. I remember weighing 115 pounds in 4th or 5th grade, before puberty, and being what my folks and teachers would have called pleasingly plump. But a very clear message was sent to me that my weight was not too acceptable. My mother told me that if I could just stay the same weight, and grow a few inches taller, then I would be alright. But of course the extra inches came with extra weight.
In high school, I wore a size 16 when almost all my friends wore 10s. I hated the way I looked, at 165 pounds. Twiggy was big back then, and there were disturbing sayings, like "more than a handful is wasted" in reference to a ladies bust size. So I had no date to the prom, and did not date until college. I think that weight has always affected my intimate relationships, and attitudes more than any other aspect of my life. I am afraid of rejection.
My biggest struggles with weight did not catch up to me until after my marriage. I remember weighing around 200 pounds at 21, and taking off 40 pounds in 6 weeks using an eat the same ~ 700 calories every day kind of a diet. And when I married at age 25, I weighed about 145, but you could see my ribs! Some of the old german ancestry gave me a rather sturdy bone structure to fall back upon. Still, I think I could easily have weighed what is now recommended for my height (about 130 or less) at that point and looked and felt better.
My body size has made me uncomfortable and self-conscious in nearly every stage of life. But it was in my marriage, the most conflict and misery occurred related to my body size. My ex-husband used to try to graph out my weight for me, and one time gave me an ultimatum, Lose this weight, get down to 125 (his ideal size for me) or else! So I visited TOPS, Weight Watchers, and due to my resistance to drug use and my nursing background avoided medications like "speed" they used to give out. SO I would lose some, very few pounds, by the strength of my will, and keep cooking for the family in a way that kept taking me back to over 180- 200 pounds for twenty years. The ultimatum from my husband did not work, so "the ex " left me to find a woman of lesser size.
Being the kind of person who wants to tackle issues, and doesn't back down from a fight, I prayed, and read everything I could about both marriage and weight loss for years. I used Scripture to convince myself to get and mantain self-control. I tried new ways of looking at food. And I was often successful if I dieted and exersized faithfully. But then I would relax, and the weight came back on. I thought that self-control was the issue, but I could not manage my weight-bottom line.
Since 1998 I have weighed as low as 207 pounds on weight watchers, and went back up to 246. Then I went down on Medical management to 220-something... and in mid 2007 stopped exercising at the gym and gained back up to 257. In January of 2008 I was so discouraged by trying that when I went to WW, I could only tolerate three weeks of trying, lost only 4 pounds and had come to the end of me managing my weight alone. By this time, I had "had it" with struggling on my own and was willing to ask for help: Surgical and emotional help to take it off and keep it off. It helps that three of my coworkers have had WLS. One the RNY, and the other two Lap-Banding. I paid extraordinarily close attention to them over the past two years, so I have hope that even I can succeed if I admit my weaknesses, and let myself have some supportive help, permanently. The Lap Band should be a coach of sorts, to making sure I remember the kind of work I need to do to be healthy.
I would like to look and feel healthy. I would like to snow ski, knowing I can get back up if I fall without too much embarrassment. I want to hike without people feeling sorry for me as they walk past me on the hills. And I would like to live beyond age 75, Lord willing, to see my grand-children graduate from highschool and college. I don't have any grand-kids yet, so I need to work on making it another 25-30 years. I hope I have some encouraging words of faith and grace to contribute to friends and family over the rest of my life, but I have to get to a place where that kind of life is possible. So, here I go, on my journey of grace!
