Angela M.
Healthis pretty bad...
Jan 30, 2009
Hi everyone yep I am still around. Did not realize I had been away so long:( I was recently in hospital have been very sick. My liver is very sick and they can't figure out why. My body refuses to accept iron even with the every 2 weeks of i vial of iron shot into me with a needle. I should take pics of my now very bruised hips nice and black and brown. I have dangerously low blood pressure. My body now is not accepting pottasium yeah more pills. I still dump in a big way to alot of things even orange juice which they want me to drink for potassium intake. They want to blame all of this on my surgery. Oh and I should soon be getting a scope because I in the last couple months keep choking on most food especially dry food and we think my esophagus is scarred up and so we hope he can peel that away so I can stop choking. Fun fun. One thing my surgeon said is he doesn't bypass as much on people now as he did with me. I keep hearing about the sleeve. It sounds like a much better option than what I had. I told the dr's they cannot blame everything that happens to me on my surgery. I swear they do it because they can't find another reason. I had started to put some weight back on but then I got really sick and the pounds are dropping again because I can't put anything heavier than a tuna sandwhich in me, so like rice, soup, mashed potatoes. Which they also blame on the surgery, but that didn't happen until I got sick. I am so sick and tired of them blaming every little thing on my surgery.
I'm on facebook regularly if you have any questions or want to add me there please do. I'd love to hear how others are doing. *hugs*
0 comments
I'm on facebook regularly if you have any questions or want to add me there please do. I'd love to hear how others are doing. *hugs*
I'm still around
Feb 17, 2008
Hey everyone I am still around. I am down to about 140lbs. But am mostly found on facebook now. If you would like to add me on there http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816 and chat that would be awesome let me know you found me on here. I am seeing a neurologist on mar 12/08, I am having a problem with falling alot and because my muslces are like ragdoll feeling and we're not sure why. I also am having pain in just my central joints and severe migraines and am still very anemic. My appetite is actually back to the way it was when I first got surgery I eat much less than I did even a year ago which I don't think is a bad thing because a few yrs ago I was starting to eat too much and gain too much. Which attests to yes you can out eat this and you can shrink it back. This is a tool it's not a freedom from fat buster. Alot of people ask if I had it to do again being sick like I am would I do it again would I? The answer is YES! My osteoarthritis is painful enough. My asthma is still active but was way worse. My thyroid is no longer an issue. Diabetis so far I have kept away. I do think the lap is probably a better way to go but this is what many of us have to have since we cannot afford the lap and you deal with what your dealt. Who knows what health issues would have been given us the other side. I just wish I could afford the plastic surgery that so many of you are able, That would probably help my back pains ALOT! Anyhow, we shall see what happens next...
Mega Catchup
Jul 01, 2007
60mins show has me wondering what is ur side on this pill?
11:11pm Monday, Jun 18
On 60 minutes The Memory Pill produced by Shari Finkelstein has me wondering what your morals have you saying about the debate in this new pill some people want to put on the market.
My side is yes yes yes.I would take it I would so take it if it would end my PTSD. I would so let my kids take it. It is short term it is such a great break in medical tests I just think more tests need to be allowed to happen. This pill needs a chance in this world today.
The pill is called PROCLANILOL I may have spelt it wrong but pretty sure it's spelt right. How it is explained is that this tests has showed that it can stop memories from forming into long term traumatic events. Apparently it has been shown in tests in rats that adreniline rushes to our forefronts and is what makes our memories because stronger and more active when a traumatic event happens. When the rats were shot with this med it stopped the adreniline and the memories were cut off. In human tests short term tests showed they worked as well. Later they did tests on some people who have had long term Post traumatic stress disorder and in at least one case her memories were no longer traumatic and destroying her life like they were before. This was not just with the medication but with suggestions and a movie ect. You really should watch the documentary to get the whole gist of it. However when they wanted to do long term tests apparently the FDA pulled it and said no.
Some people say memories are what make us who we are. That this drug could become abused and overused. If a guy has a bad date and makes an ass of himself well hell I will just take a pill. Or a girl dumps you and it hurts real bad just take a pill. This is the other side of the fight keeping the drug from being used.
I say this happens with many medications in today that are used. This is always a possibilty this is the caution of doctors. It does not erase the memory, you still have it, just not the pain that comes with it. You can go on and leave a productive happier life than you may have before use with this medication.
So what's your view. Curiousity lets me ask you the question yes or no and why? Being A Black Sheep & Other Thoughts... 6:43pm Saturday, Jun 23 I have not being well lately so not been blogging. Anything I have written is on here, but no worries, I will copy and past to my other journals all these past entries when I am back to par if that ever happens; and when my dad brings me finally a new computer.
I just wanted to mention how right now I am thinking about how other people deal with being a black sheep #1- in their plutonic family, #2- external family, and #3- people in life. Growing up I always felt of the 3 kids my brother and I were both black sheep. However I felt darker than he for I was always blamed for him being a dark sheep. Somehow how he was a reflection of me as an older sibling, not a reflection of my parents. I still hold that pain with me today and can't let it go. However my siblings seem to have easily let go of the pains and darkness in our childhoods. Now we are all adults and somehow as one sibling now is a workaholic and lifes will is all about money and the other has suffered pains no one should go through now makes them both pure sheep and I a disappointment to them and to the world. I guess in someways I am a disappointment to myself. No one grows up wishing for disabilities and mental disorders. Those make me somewhat less. However I am extremely outspoken.
I do not belief my lifespan will be very long. I believe I have suffered more than one should. I kept strong friends because I wasn't. Somehow over time I learned to speak my mind. I learned to stop being quiet cause I had had enough of hiding behind my friends. If you have dirty laundry too damn bad, maybe you should have thought about those actions before you took them. When did it become okay for anyone to tell anyone they needed to learn their place? When did it become okay for anyone to scream in someones face? Did it suddenly become okay to hide the fact that you feel afraid sometimes when your being yelled at? The whole fricken world knows I am so not a puritan. I was a teen mom. I have always been jealous, and an emotional wreak. Those close to me know I HATE CLEANING! I have no issue with admitting I like to be lazy, thing is maybe that caught up with me, because now I have osteoarthritis in my spine, now it hurts to lift, it hurts to be overly physical, it hurts to go out for hours, it hurts to hike. I love to hike, I love to camp. When I was young I swam, was in the jogging club, jazz dancing, I walked all the damn time till in my 20's when I was so overweight I couldn't. Which I did something about. Ya know? I don't know why I am the way I am but I am. I hate being so sick. Who gets this sick? It's ridiculous and I always laugh and say the devil doesn't want me and neither does God, so I am just gonna suffer with every medical disorder. Lucky me!!!
I won't hide things I know, I won't shut up. Threaten me go right ahead I will still write about it. I will also write your threat. I am done with people thinking they can walk on me. Nope journals are awesome, it helps me think to myself, it helps me talk and get answers I can't maybe sometimes come up with on my own. If you think that makes me evil screw you! Secrets are something I grew up with. I try very hard to have my kids not do the same. Because no one needs that in their life! Secrets are bad, they make you sick and they will hurt you! They say my sign is the sign of sex and death. I used to be someone who was hugely sexual being sick pretty much has killed that part of me for the moment but death, I think about it alot. I never thought being sick like this was going to come to my adult life. Not with how active I was when younger:(
Oh and as for me being spiteful. When I was with Michael when he hit I used to break his stuff, throw dishes, glasses ect. We were both so out of control. Calling nonstop, walking for hours to get to his place. I think now looking back we both were bad to one another. Doug, I was more spiteful with him in the way of putting up a website about him, leaving ,essages galore. He actually taught me how to relax my ass. Even told me himself that me over everyone had changed more than anyone he knew hands down. I no longer yelled or anything, between him and my youngest I went to the other side. Silence. When I can't keep it together anymore. I shut right down. I journal shit you say? I journal what I feel and how I experienced an experience, but people need to realize that it is how I FELT about it. The other side can see it differently and I have always said that. Anyhow whatever, maybe... (Dermatillomania/CSP), OCD, Self Mutilation, and Skin Picking 7:00pm Sunday, Jun 24 My OCD tendencies lately seem to be at an all time high. I hate it. I wish people could have it for a day and understand what it is like to do something and even when made contious of it can't stop it. I have done skin picking for all my life. I have also done alot of self mutilation, but have through therapy gotten better with at least the cutting issues. They say OCD is also related to Terrets syndrome. I do it more when I am feeling, stressed, out of control, hurt ect. I also have an aversion to using certain utensils and dishes but can't explain why, I just can't use them it makes me want to throw up. I also save EVERYTHING! I have had so many fights with my mom, and guys in my life over saving everything and them throwing shit out. I get panicked that if I throw something out I will end up needing it or wanting it and then what? When everything is neat too I struggle more to find things, makes no sense to anyone else but it does to me. It's a daily struggle.
My mom, my neice and I all have the skin picking issue. My kids have all done it but seem to have learned how to control it. One is a little less controlled than the other two and I think will always have that tendency now.
My therapist had put me on celexa which I still take hoping it would calm my OCD down but it hasn't. I have not yet heard of a drug that can cure OCD. That would be so great if there were cause I hate it. I hate if I don't do it I panic, I feel sick, I feel shaky. It is a soother for me. Can't explain it, don't really understand it myself but it really does feel lonely. I think more studies and tests need to be done with people who have OCD. I would easily participate in a study, if it would stop it altogether. It would be such a freedom.
Anyhow that is my rant for today. As you might well guess from reading this I am more violent to myself than to others. I am mouthy and bitchy to others, but when it comes down to physical altercations I would rather do it to myself!!! So there ya go!
http://www.trich.org/AllJo
http://health.groups.yahoo
http://health.groups.yahoo
http://grossbart.com/picki
http://www.psyke.org/
http://facepick.tripod.com
www.ocfoundation.org Pissed & Frustrated With Getting FIFA U20 Tickets... 11:43am Wednesday, Jun 27 So Sarah and Phil's sister were bought tickets to go to see the FIFA U20 soccer games here in Victoria. I wanted Phil to be responsible for it because it was dealing with his family and involved being a gift for his sister. He didn't like it but did go put the payment on it.
We were able to get them through the club Sarah is in. However we had to get these vouchers until the tickets came in. Lately we been on pins and needles waiting for the tickets to come in. Well I get an email today saying the pick up date was yesterday. I call Phil and he didn't know anything about it said he got no email about it. So I give him a number to call that was not on the email hoping this lady could help us track the ticket bearers down.
Then I go to his email he got the email about tickets not on the 25th like me but on the 23rd!!! OMG I lost it. It says on his it is the ONLY pick up date. Has a different lady's name. So I emailed who I could and am now waiting for responses. Gave him numbers and he is waiting. I sent them our numbers but have appointments today.
Phil says see you should have dealt with it. OMG I am ready to fucking scream. We better get those tickets because one little girl is going to be balling her eyes out if she can't go it is all she has talked about. She was upset we weren't gonna get the vouvhers into tickets. I don't want to see her heart broken.... We got the tickets, Phil's my Hero:) 12:42pm Thursday, Jun 28 He was determined as hell to get our tickets despite that we missed the pick up date and trust me when Phil is determined you don't want to get in his way. He's my hero. The tickets are in our hot little hand. My kid is happy and all is well whoo hoo So Confused 1:22pm Today I can feel the emotions and I believe they are real, but once burned how do you go beyond that. Do you try to trust again? Scared and unsure. What do I do? Thoughts I Need To Write... 6:31pm Today Having running thoughts right now, so need to write...
It's canada day and I am kinda moody. Confused. I am tired of feeling betrayed and lied to. Why do I always feel like the last one to know the truth about everything? Especially when it comes to the subject of men, and more so when it is men I care about? I used to break things, smash things. Really all that does is leave you feeling worse and empty. I was in a therapy group where I had to actually go through a session of how I acted when a guy got me to that place. They got out trash cans and dishes ect and I went through the clingy don't leave me crap and smashing and swearing at the placebo person. We spent the afternoon that day going through it. I don't think I ever felt so centered out and wanting to hide as much as I did that day. It was really hard to deal with. I ended up in a corner and just balling my eyes out. I don't think I have smashed anything since then or held on to anyone physically like that again. I mean where does it get you?
I think I have ripped a few posters and letters but on the whole I try not to do anything physical. However I do have the issue still with physically hurting myself. However I do have the picking issue with is an OCD disorder and is made owrse by stress and upset and I have struggled with cutting but worked so hard on not cutting myself. No one has any idea how hard that is to deal with, but I do find breathing and counting and meds do help.
I do know I get alot of griping at me about my meds and it really pisses me off. I don't like taking them, it's fricken a pain in the ass and sometimes I want to puke them out but I can so tell when I don't take them. I talk faster and people especially my grandmother and Phil get on me that I am agitating them by talking too fast and changing subjects too fast.
Doug actually seemed to like me that way, thats why we get along so well. He flows with my moods and knows when I am agitated, when I am up, he is so tooned into me it's awesome, I love how he is like that! That has been a rarity in my life.
Actually Jo-Anne seemed to be really good at sliding with my moods as teens.
I think my teen years would have been dramatically different had I been diagnosed as bipolar at that time. It explains so very much. I was very jealous of friends. I was hyper sensitive. Very moody. Always tired. So much more. But it is hard to diagnose teens and alot of anti-depressants are not very good for teens it can actually make them worse.
I see the dermatologist this week, and gonna go get that blood test and stomach test. My doctor believes my stomach is bleeding and so I am on these meds to help at least slow that down. I should be getting that scope soon as well.
My hamstring is healing but I pulled it again yesterday-grr that fricken hurts.
Went out with DJ on wednesday we had lunch at the Brass Duck, he had fish and chips and calamari. I had the Clubhouse. Then we went and watched Knocked up. Holy moses can we say swearing overload and female nudity galore AND alot of drug use, not your everyday movie.
Then yesterday Phil and I went to Kelsey's can we say the food was REALLY BAD we sent it back. Got New York Fries at the movie theatre and watched 1408. Wow buildup to that was not as good as the actual movie itself. Not a movie I would watch a second time around!
So I been feeling pretty good about having my kids around me but wish I was the everyday kind of mom. That is not something I can ever be. I am proud of the kids they are. Ya know Dj is doing so awesome in school and he is in Sask right now visiting Crystal and I gave him some money to spend there. Mary is falling behind in grades but wants to do better and she keeps herself clean with her friends. She is such a beautiful girl. Sarah is so awesome in soccer and strong willed. All my kids are strong willed. No one is ever gonna keep them quiet like wow, wish I could have been fighters like them, and opinionated like them, and refused to keep quiet like them. You won't ever see them keeping secrets and they fight omg they fight and are strong like hell. When I was younger I feared my dad and kept my mouth shut. I have never been a fighter.
Of course I am a little different now. I tell all, I speak all, I won't hide anything and I will get in your face. I think it's because everyone seems to hate me anyway and I don't foresee a long lasting life so I might as well stand up and stand strong and say what I have to say and if you don't like it BITE ME!!!!
So anyhow that is me fornow, had to get the thoughts out, hope everyone has a great Canada I believe we're 140yrs old, and we are the country that rocks whew hoo.....
My side is yes yes yes.I would take it I would so take it if it would end my PTSD. I would so let my kids take it. It is short term it is such a great break in medical tests I just think more tests need to be allowed to happen. This pill needs a chance in this world today.
The pill is called PROCLANILOL I may have spelt it wrong but pretty sure it's spelt right. How it is explained is that this tests has showed that it can stop memories from forming into long term traumatic events. Apparently it has been shown in tests in rats that adreniline rushes to our forefronts and is what makes our memories because stronger and more active when a traumatic event happens. When the rats were shot with this med it stopped the adreniline and the memories were cut off. In human tests short term tests showed they worked as well. Later they did tests on some people who have had long term Post traumatic stress disorder and in at least one case her memories were no longer traumatic and destroying her life like they were before. This was not just with the medication but with suggestions and a movie ect. You really should watch the documentary to get the whole gist of it. However when they wanted to do long term tests apparently the FDA pulled it and said no.
Some people say memories are what make us who we are. That this drug could become abused and overused. If a guy has a bad date and makes an ass of himself well hell I will just take a pill. Or a girl dumps you and it hurts real bad just take a pill. This is the other side of the fight keeping the drug from being used.
I say this happens with many medications in today that are used. This is always a possibilty this is the caution of doctors. It does not erase the memory, you still have it, just not the pain that comes with it. You can go on and leave a productive happier life than you may have before use with this medication.
So what's your view. Curiousity lets me ask you the question yes or no and why? Being A Black Sheep & Other Thoughts... 6:43pm Saturday, Jun 23 I have not being well lately so not been blogging. Anything I have written is on here, but no worries, I will copy and past to my other journals all these past entries when I am back to par if that ever happens; and when my dad brings me finally a new computer.
I just wanted to mention how right now I am thinking about how other people deal with being a black sheep #1- in their plutonic family, #2- external family, and #3- people in life. Growing up I always felt of the 3 kids my brother and I were both black sheep. However I felt darker than he for I was always blamed for him being a dark sheep. Somehow how he was a reflection of me as an older sibling, not a reflection of my parents. I still hold that pain with me today and can't let it go. However my siblings seem to have easily let go of the pains and darkness in our childhoods. Now we are all adults and somehow as one sibling now is a workaholic and lifes will is all about money and the other has suffered pains no one should go through now makes them both pure sheep and I a disappointment to them and to the world. I guess in someways I am a disappointment to myself. No one grows up wishing for disabilities and mental disorders. Those make me somewhat less. However I am extremely outspoken.
I do not belief my lifespan will be very long. I believe I have suffered more than one should. I kept strong friends because I wasn't. Somehow over time I learned to speak my mind. I learned to stop being quiet cause I had had enough of hiding behind my friends. If you have dirty laundry too damn bad, maybe you should have thought about those actions before you took them. When did it become okay for anyone to tell anyone they needed to learn their place? When did it become okay for anyone to scream in someones face? Did it suddenly become okay to hide the fact that you feel afraid sometimes when your being yelled at? The whole fricken world knows I am so not a puritan. I was a teen mom. I have always been jealous, and an emotional wreak. Those close to me know I HATE CLEANING! I have no issue with admitting I like to be lazy, thing is maybe that caught up with me, because now I have osteoarthritis in my spine, now it hurts to lift, it hurts to be overly physical, it hurts to go out for hours, it hurts to hike. I love to hike, I love to camp. When I was young I swam, was in the jogging club, jazz dancing, I walked all the damn time till in my 20's when I was so overweight I couldn't. Which I did something about. Ya know? I don't know why I am the way I am but I am. I hate being so sick. Who gets this sick? It's ridiculous and I always laugh and say the devil doesn't want me and neither does God, so I am just gonna suffer with every medical disorder. Lucky me!!!
I won't hide things I know, I won't shut up. Threaten me go right ahead I will still write about it. I will also write your threat. I am done with people thinking they can walk on me. Nope journals are awesome, it helps me think to myself, it helps me talk and get answers I can't maybe sometimes come up with on my own. If you think that makes me evil screw you! Secrets are something I grew up with. I try very hard to have my kids not do the same. Because no one needs that in their life! Secrets are bad, they make you sick and they will hurt you! They say my sign is the sign of sex and death. I used to be someone who was hugely sexual being sick pretty much has killed that part of me for the moment but death, I think about it alot. I never thought being sick like this was going to come to my adult life. Not with how active I was when younger:(
Oh and as for me being spiteful. When I was with Michael when he hit I used to break his stuff, throw dishes, glasses ect. We were both so out of control. Calling nonstop, walking for hours to get to his place. I think now looking back we both were bad to one another. Doug, I was more spiteful with him in the way of putting up a website about him, leaving ,essages galore. He actually taught me how to relax my ass. Even told me himself that me over everyone had changed more than anyone he knew hands down. I no longer yelled or anything, between him and my youngest I went to the other side. Silence. When I can't keep it together anymore. I shut right down. I journal shit you say? I journal what I feel and how I experienced an experience, but people need to realize that it is how I FELT about it. The other side can see it differently and I have always said that. Anyhow whatever, maybe... (Dermatillomania/CSP), OCD, Self Mutilation, and Skin Picking 7:00pm Sunday, Jun 24 My OCD tendencies lately seem to be at an all time high. I hate it. I wish people could have it for a day and understand what it is like to do something and even when made contious of it can't stop it. I have done skin picking for all my life. I have also done alot of self mutilation, but have through therapy gotten better with at least the cutting issues. They say OCD is also related to Terrets syndrome. I do it more when I am feeling, stressed, out of control, hurt ect. I also have an aversion to using certain utensils and dishes but can't explain why, I just can't use them it makes me want to throw up. I also save EVERYTHING! I have had so many fights with my mom, and guys in my life over saving everything and them throwing shit out. I get panicked that if I throw something out I will end up needing it or wanting it and then what? When everything is neat too I struggle more to find things, makes no sense to anyone else but it does to me. It's a daily struggle.
My mom, my neice and I all have the skin picking issue. My kids have all done it but seem to have learned how to control it. One is a little less controlled than the other two and I think will always have that tendency now.
My therapist had put me on celexa which I still take hoping it would calm my OCD down but it hasn't. I have not yet heard of a drug that can cure OCD. That would be so great if there were cause I hate it. I hate if I don't do it I panic, I feel sick, I feel shaky. It is a soother for me. Can't explain it, don't really understand it myself but it really does feel lonely. I think more studies and tests need to be done with people who have OCD. I would easily participate in a study, if it would stop it altogether. It would be such a freedom.
Anyhow that is my rant for today. As you might well guess from reading this I am more violent to myself than to others. I am mouthy and bitchy to others, but when it comes down to physical altercations I would rather do it to myself!!! So there ya go!
http://www.trich.org/AllJo
http://health.groups.yahoo
http://health.groups.yahoo
http://grossbart.com/picki
http://www.psyke.org/
http://facepick.tripod.com
www.ocfoundation.org Pissed & Frustrated With Getting FIFA U20 Tickets... 11:43am Wednesday, Jun 27 So Sarah and Phil's sister were bought tickets to go to see the FIFA U20 soccer games here in Victoria. I wanted Phil to be responsible for it because it was dealing with his family and involved being a gift for his sister. He didn't like it but did go put the payment on it.
We were able to get them through the club Sarah is in. However we had to get these vouchers until the tickets came in. Lately we been on pins and needles waiting for the tickets to come in. Well I get an email today saying the pick up date was yesterday. I call Phil and he didn't know anything about it said he got no email about it. So I give him a number to call that was not on the email hoping this lady could help us track the ticket bearers down.
Then I go to his email he got the email about tickets not on the 25th like me but on the 23rd!!! OMG I lost it. It says on his it is the ONLY pick up date. Has a different lady's name. So I emailed who I could and am now waiting for responses. Gave him numbers and he is waiting. I sent them our numbers but have appointments today.
Phil says see you should have dealt with it. OMG I am ready to fucking scream. We better get those tickets because one little girl is going to be balling her eyes out if she can't go it is all she has talked about. She was upset we weren't gonna get the vouvhers into tickets. I don't want to see her heart broken.... We got the tickets, Phil's my Hero:) 12:42pm Thursday, Jun 28 He was determined as hell to get our tickets despite that we missed the pick up date and trust me when Phil is determined you don't want to get in his way. He's my hero. The tickets are in our hot little hand. My kid is happy and all is well whoo hoo So Confused 1:22pm Today I can feel the emotions and I believe they are real, but once burned how do you go beyond that. Do you try to trust again? Scared and unsure. What do I do? Thoughts I Need To Write... 6:31pm Today Having running thoughts right now, so need to write...
It's canada day and I am kinda moody. Confused. I am tired of feeling betrayed and lied to. Why do I always feel like the last one to know the truth about everything? Especially when it comes to the subject of men, and more so when it is men I care about? I used to break things, smash things. Really all that does is leave you feeling worse and empty. I was in a therapy group where I had to actually go through a session of how I acted when a guy got me to that place. They got out trash cans and dishes ect and I went through the clingy don't leave me crap and smashing and swearing at the placebo person. We spent the afternoon that day going through it. I don't think I ever felt so centered out and wanting to hide as much as I did that day. It was really hard to deal with. I ended up in a corner and just balling my eyes out. I don't think I have smashed anything since then or held on to anyone physically like that again. I mean where does it get you?
I think I have ripped a few posters and letters but on the whole I try not to do anything physical. However I do have the issue still with physically hurting myself. However I do have the picking issue with is an OCD disorder and is made owrse by stress and upset and I have struggled with cutting but worked so hard on not cutting myself. No one has any idea how hard that is to deal with, but I do find breathing and counting and meds do help.
I do know I get alot of griping at me about my meds and it really pisses me off. I don't like taking them, it's fricken a pain in the ass and sometimes I want to puke them out but I can so tell when I don't take them. I talk faster and people especially my grandmother and Phil get on me that I am agitating them by talking too fast and changing subjects too fast.
Doug actually seemed to like me that way, thats why we get along so well. He flows with my moods and knows when I am agitated, when I am up, he is so tooned into me it's awesome, I love how he is like that! That has been a rarity in my life.
Actually Jo-Anne seemed to be really good at sliding with my moods as teens.
I think my teen years would have been dramatically different had I been diagnosed as bipolar at that time. It explains so very much. I was very jealous of friends. I was hyper sensitive. Very moody. Always tired. So much more. But it is hard to diagnose teens and alot of anti-depressants are not very good for teens it can actually make them worse.
I see the dermatologist this week, and gonna go get that blood test and stomach test. My doctor believes my stomach is bleeding and so I am on these meds to help at least slow that down. I should be getting that scope soon as well.
My hamstring is healing but I pulled it again yesterday-grr that fricken hurts.
Went out with DJ on wednesday we had lunch at the Brass Duck, he had fish and chips and calamari. I had the Clubhouse. Then we went and watched Knocked up. Holy moses can we say swearing overload and female nudity galore AND alot of drug use, not your everyday movie.
Then yesterday Phil and I went to Kelsey's can we say the food was REALLY BAD we sent it back. Got New York Fries at the movie theatre and watched 1408. Wow buildup to that was not as good as the actual movie itself. Not a movie I would watch a second time around!
So I been feeling pretty good about having my kids around me but wish I was the everyday kind of mom. That is not something I can ever be. I am proud of the kids they are. Ya know Dj is doing so awesome in school and he is in Sask right now visiting Crystal and I gave him some money to spend there. Mary is falling behind in grades but wants to do better and she keeps herself clean with her friends. She is such a beautiful girl. Sarah is so awesome in soccer and strong willed. All my kids are strong willed. No one is ever gonna keep them quiet like wow, wish I could have been fighters like them, and opinionated like them, and refused to keep quiet like them. You won't ever see them keeping secrets and they fight omg they fight and are strong like hell. When I was younger I feared my dad and kept my mouth shut. I have never been a fighter.
Of course I am a little different now. I tell all, I speak all, I won't hide anything and I will get in your face. I think it's because everyone seems to hate me anyway and I don't foresee a long lasting life so I might as well stand up and stand strong and say what I have to say and if you don't like it BITE ME!!!!
So anyhow that is me fornow, had to get the thoughts out, hope everyone has a great Canada I believe we're 140yrs old, and we are the country that rocks whew hoo.....
Life...
Jun 11, 2007
Well Mary is coming home in less than 2 weeks. I am excited, but nervous. We bought the girls cell phones early bday presents from all of us. I just feel safer with them having them. I would like to see if I can get them engraved.
I was out the other day and my back hurt so bad I mean so badly like never has it hurt this badly before. The pain was so bad that I passed out from the pain. Does osteoarthrtis really get this bad? two days of that kind of pain. Was so bad I couldn't even cry. I think I took a little more of my painkillers than I meant too because it hurt so bad. It's pointless to go to hospital because with chronic pain it's not really anything they can do.
What bugs me is when I get put down for being in pain. Like any of us grows up to say yeah when I grow up I want to be disabled. I hate being on disability. I hate chronic pain. I hate that it kills me to try and carry a few groceries only 4 blocks home, that takes everything out of me. I'm 34yrs old I should be healthy and vibrant. I'm not. So being told no one else would want you if they really knew you kills me.
Maybe they wouldn't but do you have to yell that at me and make me feel that much worse?
Anyhow it turns out I have this hernia that is blocking my stomach and reflux which is why I am constantly puking. This is what is making eating a problem. So my surgeon wants to go in and have more of a look with the scope. I'm sure I will get the date for that pretty quick. Oh lucky me another scope. He wanted to give me pariet but that shit has done nothing to alleiviate the problem. So I said no. What is the point if it is doing nothing? More drugs I don't need. Yes me saying no to more drugs. As much as people think I like all these meds I don't. I am sick of all these freakin meds. One does get tired of swallowing pills day in and day out. I wish it could all be done with a shot once a month that would be great!
I envy people who are healthy and happy and never in pain. Envy people who never have to know what depression/bipolar is like. I do have to say though seeing all my old friends on here. Having people remember me and know that people out there do care all because of facebook, that has done more than anyone realizes. Odd how something so little in life can make such a big difference to a life in reality!
I was out the other day and my back hurt so bad I mean so badly like never has it hurt this badly before. The pain was so bad that I passed out from the pain. Does osteoarthrtis really get this bad? two days of that kind of pain. Was so bad I couldn't even cry. I think I took a little more of my painkillers than I meant too because it hurt so bad. It's pointless to go to hospital because with chronic pain it's not really anything they can do.
What bugs me is when I get put down for being in pain. Like any of us grows up to say yeah when I grow up I want to be disabled. I hate being on disability. I hate chronic pain. I hate that it kills me to try and carry a few groceries only 4 blocks home, that takes everything out of me. I'm 34yrs old I should be healthy and vibrant. I'm not. So being told no one else would want you if they really knew you kills me.
Maybe they wouldn't but do you have to yell that at me and make me feel that much worse?
Anyhow it turns out I have this hernia that is blocking my stomach and reflux which is why I am constantly puking. This is what is making eating a problem. So my surgeon wants to go in and have more of a look with the scope. I'm sure I will get the date for that pretty quick. Oh lucky me another scope. He wanted to give me pariet but that shit has done nothing to alleiviate the problem. So I said no. What is the point if it is doing nothing? More drugs I don't need. Yes me saying no to more drugs. As much as people think I like all these meds I don't. I am sick of all these freakin meds. One does get tired of swallowing pills day in and day out. I wish it could all be done with a shot once a month that would be great!
I envy people who are healthy and happy and never in pain. Envy people who never have to know what depression/bipolar is like. I do have to say though seeing all my old friends on here. Having people remember me and know that people out there do care all because of facebook, that has done more than anyone realizes. Odd how something so little in life can make such a big difference to a life in reality!
Pain...
Jun 08, 2007
Watching the Movie "In God's Country"-Kelly Rowan, Richard Burgi, (2007)star in the tale of a woman's efforts to rescue her 16-year-old daughter from a polygamous community.(drama, 120mins)
I am from the United Church so I do believe in being with only 1 man for myself. However I do not understand why if someone wants to be in a community where they all understand and share that they not be allowed to live that way. Who are we to say it is wrong? It just makes me so damn angry.
I do not though understand them allowing the girls to marry so young. I am glad that in these days most people are older now when they marry.
So anyhow I saw the dr. apparently I have sometype of hernia and also have some reflux. He also thinks I may have built up scar tissue that may have to be lasered away. So he is going to do a scope-oh the joy. At least this is getting things looked at and I know finally something is being seen. I feel alot more relieved now I saw specialist:)
Not sure why but my back is hurting so damn bad I cannot even begin to to tell you had badly it hurts. I've had osteoarthrtis in my spine for years now but some days I feel like it is just breaking apart. I do not tolerate pain well.
One thing I have had only last 2 days and have no idea why & not told dr yet is very very very dizzy and if I try to look at something it is hard to look at even like looking in the mirror everything is like on an angle. Messed up.... ...and no I don't do drugs!!!
I am from the United Church so I do believe in being with only 1 man for myself. However I do not understand why if someone wants to be in a community where they all understand and share that they not be allowed to live that way. Who are we to say it is wrong? It just makes me so damn angry.
I do not though understand them allowing the girls to marry so young. I am glad that in these days most people are older now when they marry.
So anyhow I saw the dr. apparently I have sometype of hernia and also have some reflux. He also thinks I may have built up scar tissue that may have to be lasered away. So he is going to do a scope-oh the joy. At least this is getting things looked at and I know finally something is being seen. I feel alot more relieved now I saw specialist:)
Not sure why but my back is hurting so damn bad I cannot even begin to to tell you had badly it hurts. I've had osteoarthrtis in my spine for years now but some days I feel like it is just breaking apart. I do not tolerate pain well.
One thing I have had only last 2 days and have no idea why & not told dr yet is very very very dizzy and if I try to look at something it is hard to look at even like looking in the mirror everything is like on an angle. Messed up.... ...and no I don't do drugs!!!
So Scared, Xrays were Revealing *tears*
Jun 06, 2007
So I finally got into the xray to have my Upper GI Tract tests done. NOT A FUCKIN FUN TIME! I hate swallowing that chalk. That doctor had me moving around so much I thought I was gonna puke like being on a rollercoaster. However did appear that I may have a blockage leading into my pouch, which would explain why I have been suffering when I try to swallow solids. It also appeared to me that there were some lumps that are not supposed to be there.
It's funny when my dad was driving me there I was telling him how the doctor thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome. He was like "is there anything you don't have?" I was like "it is my mission in life to have an illness for each letter of the alphabet lol, just kiddin dad" I personally don't concur with that diagnoses, but whatever!
So I see Dr.Amson on friday and he will probably order a scope and hopefully the CT scan the other doctor had recommended.
Well While I was writing this my doctors office called. Surprise surprise they want to see me. That is the fastest I ever got a callback from them. Wow I am actually crying now. I don't want another surgery, I am so fricken tired of surgery.
Phil is going out after work so pretty much here on my own to sit and stew on this. I guess it couldn't happen to a better person right? I mean I must have some huge ass bad Karma out there cause bad things just always seem to happen to me.
Yes if I feel attacked I can be a huge assed vengeful bitch. If you attack me as a mother or go after the one I love God save your sorry soul because I have a bad habit of acting and saying things first and thinking later. I am not the best mom in the world. I started young and I made some huge assed mistakes but I love my babies. The ones I brought into this world and the ones I lost but never stop aching over losing.
I am trying to be strong but I am angry at those who have been telling me this has all been in my head. Probably because I am bipolar-screw you. I know when something isn't right in my body!!!
RIGHT NOW I AM SCARED I just want to know what this is and how we fight it!
For now that is all I have energy for...
It's funny when my dad was driving me there I was telling him how the doctor thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome. He was like "is there anything you don't have?" I was like "it is my mission in life to have an illness for each letter of the alphabet lol, just kiddin dad" I personally don't concur with that diagnoses, but whatever!
So I see Dr.Amson on friday and he will probably order a scope and hopefully the CT scan the other doctor had recommended.
Well While I was writing this my doctors office called. Surprise surprise they want to see me. That is the fastest I ever got a callback from them. Wow I am actually crying now. I don't want another surgery, I am so fricken tired of surgery.
Phil is going out after work so pretty much here on my own to sit and stew on this. I guess it couldn't happen to a better person right? I mean I must have some huge ass bad Karma out there cause bad things just always seem to happen to me.
Yes if I feel attacked I can be a huge assed vengeful bitch. If you attack me as a mother or go after the one I love God save your sorry soul because I have a bad habit of acting and saying things first and thinking later. I am not the best mom in the world. I started young and I made some huge assed mistakes but I love my babies. The ones I brought into this world and the ones I lost but never stop aching over losing.
I am trying to be strong but I am angry at those who have been telling me this has all been in my head. Probably because I am bipolar-screw you. I know when something isn't right in my body!!!
RIGHT NOW I AM SCARED I just want to know what this is and how we fight it!
For now that is all I have energy for...
Friendships, Changes and Medical...
May 08, 2007
Well I have been on an emotional high finding old friends. Being a military brat we moved so finding old friends means alot to me. Finding and sorting out family has been fun for me and my daughter as well. Facebook is an awesome site, I swear everyone is on there:)Looks like some changes are coming to my life, new beginnings and old endings, probably for the better, but will need emotional supports I think to get through them. Saw docotor today I am staying on pain meds 4 times a day and she ordered a breath test something to do with ulcers, more blood tests, more stool tests, an upper GI test and getting hold of doctor Amson to have him look me over and do more tests. I am getting so sick of all these fricken tests! Why can't they figure out what is going on...
Last week it was the Baldwins, this week David Hasellhoff drunk and eating a burger off the floor shot by his 16yr old daughter. Your not safe from the drama even if your a celebrity. What is going on with so many dad's and why are celebrity kids turning in this stufdf about their dads? That is harsh
Last week it was the Baldwins, this week David Hasellhoff drunk and eating a burger off the floor shot by his 16yr old daughter. Your not safe from the drama even if your a celebrity. What is going on with so many dad's and why are celebrity kids turning in this stufdf about their dads? That is harsh
I Hate The Darkness
May 02, 2007
Ok firstly yes I am bipolar, yes I am on meds, obviously I need to go back in and once again have them adjusted cause I am shutting down. I am just so tired of having to go back in and see a fuckin psychiatrist. It makes me feel stupid and unworthy. Ask Phil he'll tell you you only have to see one if your psychologically fucked up and stupid :'( As for the pain I have been having buscopan seems to be helping with that but makes me even more tired than I already am. The xrays as I said showed that my bowels on the right side are very backed up and I may have irritable bowel syndrome which my mom and possible middle daughter has :'( Today was my ultrasound once again they found something. I had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and today they found on my ovaries my eggs apparently are not flushing out but attaching to my ovaries which somehow grow? Make like sores and a couple are about half the size of my ovaries. My guess is the dr may choose to now take out my ovaries and that is upsetting cause all I need is menopause added to my already emotioal being. I really thought my ovaries would be fine and dandy. I now apparently will also be having a CT scan just to make sure nothing else is going on. I feel like my brother is right I am gonna end up in the hospital hooked up to machines barely living. I am barely living now. I barely get out of bed right now. I am exhausted and emotional and hurting. I am tired of being yelled at and now Doug well he just put the last knife in my heart.
I was coming home today and what did I see oh yeah broadcasted on a sign for the whole world to see, thanks Doug thanks for that true scorpio revenge you had to do because I chose Phil not you. what 2nd time now I chose Phil and so we can't even be friends? I wanted to talk to someone today usually I talk to Doug because he's always been there but now he is not talking to me out of spite. I want to be angry and spite him back but I can't, it hurts. I know I love Doug and Doug loves me but it just doesn't seem to be. we're both in relationships and I want him to be happy. I stuck with him through Kath, through Michelle, through a few women which he says he didn't consider cheating yeah we have been on and off almost 10yrs now? Always kept best of friends. Just seemed to always miss one another with relationships, one of us always seems to be with someone when the other is not. But we have always known and saidf we loved one another. But when it came down to being with him or Phil I stayed with Phil. I know that hurt, but it hurt me when he stayed with Kath over me so long ago. Not to mention my tat is a permanent mark of my devotion to him even when not together. So yeah his little vengeence trip right now that hurts, I miss my best friend.
Phil came home from work today with flowers, carnations red, yellow and white. No card though. He was really moody though and went out right away. Not sure where and the mood he was in I could careless. He was more concerned that another of his transformer toys didn't get here today.
I need to make friends. I used to go out alot now I never leave my room. My brother says I am turning into a shutin. No one in my entire life ever would have considered my life to turn this way. I didn't like being yelled at in front of my friends so eventually I just got together with people less and less, and now never and so when I feel like I feel right now I look at my phone and I have no one to call. All the numbers are Phil's friends and he has tons.
I was thinking alot today about ontario. God how I miss it there. I have never ever liked it in BC. It doesn't feel like home, only reason I stayed here is for the kids all their family is here. Phil refuses to go to ontario. IF I had the money and means I think I would seriously consider moving home to ontario. That's home, that's where I miss. My middle daughter has been there she loved it. I don't know, I am supposed to go visit next summer and see Barb in New York which is one thing the only positive thing I hold on to right now. And my middle daughter seeing her this summer. I miss her so much. I just worry about her and Phil, they so do not get along :'( Anyhow I have thought what if I go to ontario next summer and don't want to come back? I really wish I could just say hey I have the money and means I am off to ontario. Clean slate, new life. Happiness, but life doesn't work that way does it? I hate life, it keeps ya down....
I was coming home today and what did I see oh yeah broadcasted on a sign for the whole world to see, thanks Doug thanks for that true scorpio revenge you had to do because I chose Phil not you. what 2nd time now I chose Phil and so we can't even be friends? I wanted to talk to someone today usually I talk to Doug because he's always been there but now he is not talking to me out of spite. I want to be angry and spite him back but I can't, it hurts. I know I love Doug and Doug loves me but it just doesn't seem to be. we're both in relationships and I want him to be happy. I stuck with him through Kath, through Michelle, through a few women which he says he didn't consider cheating yeah we have been on and off almost 10yrs now? Always kept best of friends. Just seemed to always miss one another with relationships, one of us always seems to be with someone when the other is not. But we have always known and saidf we loved one another. But when it came down to being with him or Phil I stayed with Phil. I know that hurt, but it hurt me when he stayed with Kath over me so long ago. Not to mention my tat is a permanent mark of my devotion to him even when not together. So yeah his little vengeence trip right now that hurts, I miss my best friend.
Phil came home from work today with flowers, carnations red, yellow and white. No card though. He was really moody though and went out right away. Not sure where and the mood he was in I could careless. He was more concerned that another of his transformer toys didn't get here today.
I need to make friends. I used to go out alot now I never leave my room. My brother says I am turning into a shutin. No one in my entire life ever would have considered my life to turn this way. I didn't like being yelled at in front of my friends so eventually I just got together with people less and less, and now never and so when I feel like I feel right now I look at my phone and I have no one to call. All the numbers are Phil's friends and he has tons.
I was thinking alot today about ontario. God how I miss it there. I have never ever liked it in BC. It doesn't feel like home, only reason I stayed here is for the kids all their family is here. Phil refuses to go to ontario. IF I had the money and means I think I would seriously consider moving home to ontario. That's home, that's where I miss. My middle daughter has been there she loved it. I don't know, I am supposed to go visit next summer and see Barb in New York which is one thing the only positive thing I hold on to right now. And my middle daughter seeing her this summer. I miss her so much. I just worry about her and Phil, they so do not get along :'( Anyhow I have thought what if I go to ontario next summer and don't want to come back? I really wish I could just say hey I have the money and means I am off to ontario. Clean slate, new life. Happiness, but life doesn't work that way does it? I hate life, it keeps ya down....
Wondering
Apr 20, 2007
getting sicker everyday. Weaker and fainter everyday. Feels like something is draining inside me everyday in a way I can't describe it's kinda like a cold stinging wierd sensation in my abdomen that kinda penetrates into my back. I get hungry but I eat and I want to hurl it all back up within minutes. Still feeling hot all the time. Doctors kept asking about diahrea had non well hope their happy that finally began today, pills to stop it aren't working :'(. So weak, so shakey, so feverish and headachy. God make this end... Gravol doesn't help the nausea, T1's don't stop the pain or headaches. Just want it to end...
I've also wondered since writing this if my RNY could be the problem, could I have torn staples out from the pouch or intestine and have stuff leaking into my body and thats why it hurts more after I eat? why it hurts more on the right side and feels swollen or like something is leaking into my body? Not to mention doctors wouldn't necessarily think about that cause most people don't have pouches for tummies? Should I call my surgeon and get a scope done ASAP? They already think I might have a ulcer but this doesn't feel like an ulcer and my gallbladder is gone so it's not that!
I've also wondered since writing this if my RNY could be the problem, could I have torn staples out from the pouch or intestine and have stuff leaking into my body and thats why it hurts more after I eat? why it hurts more on the right side and feels swollen or like something is leaking into my body? Not to mention doctors wouldn't necessarily think about that cause most people don't have pouches for tummies? Should I call my surgeon and get a scope done ASAP? They already think I might have a ulcer but this doesn't feel like an ulcer and my gallbladder is gone so it's not that!
Doctors Appointment
Apr 13, 2007
I saw the doctor the day before yesterday and then yesterday again. The doctor thought I might have appendicitis and a kidney infection on the right side. So I had a blood test it did not show positive for appendicitis. But called me back in for more tests. This doctor thought still I might have appendicitis also won ders if I might have gallstones in my liver or a liver infection or and kidney infection and also wondered about a bowel blockage. So I went back in for another blood test today and am waiting for tests to come back AGAIN. My temperature is all over the place but am super faint and tired and still not real hungry but am thirsty drinking alot of tomatoe juice and water.
Phil is frustrated with me I guess cause seems like everything I do and don't do is pissing him off he has been yelling at me non stop. I feel like I can't do anything right by him :"(
Doug has been pretty supportive, he has called to check in on me and asked me to call and let him know how things go with tests ect. I am actually surprised by that because normally he hasn't really been there for me when it comes to shit like that. When it comes to the real things in life Doug has never really been there. It's hard to explain the friendship he and I have I am often confused by it. Not really sure where I have fit in his world, never have been sure. Sometimes I think what Phil says about how Doug feels about me is true and that hurts ALOT!
Sherri has been pretty supportive too. She checks in on me time to time. She is trying to get me out and get my life moving again. She might be moving to New Brunswick this summer which is sad for me but I understand it completely. She will be moving there to be next to her daughter. Mary told me I deserve it because then I know how it is to be seperated from my friends. I told her to grow up. I was seperated from my friends my whole life I was a base brat. Sherri and I spent most of our friendship apart writing letters and calling long distance. But I guess Mary can't see that. She is just angry being with her dad away from her friends here right now :'(
I see Anna Nicoles mom is supposed to be having rights to the baby what the hell is that about? Whatever. I think Anna is rolling in her grave. But whatever...
I want to quickly say I think things have gone to far with IMUS , NBC has now fired him? WTF? It's not like he goes off on racial issues all the time. The fact he said nappy headed ho's one time and laughed once and now it's gone this big is ridiculous. I feel so bad for the man. Girls come on he apologized don't let this be his career killer that is horrible. Worse has been done, way worse :(
Anyhow, not sure what tests will say but am sick of being sick and in pain, but I guess I deserve it...
Phil is frustrated with me I guess cause seems like everything I do and don't do is pissing him off he has been yelling at me non stop. I feel like I can't do anything right by him :"(
Doug has been pretty supportive, he has called to check in on me and asked me to call and let him know how things go with tests ect. I am actually surprised by that because normally he hasn't really been there for me when it comes to shit like that. When it comes to the real things in life Doug has never really been there. It's hard to explain the friendship he and I have I am often confused by it. Not really sure where I have fit in his world, never have been sure. Sometimes I think what Phil says about how Doug feels about me is true and that hurts ALOT!
Sherri has been pretty supportive too. She checks in on me time to time. She is trying to get me out and get my life moving again. She might be moving to New Brunswick this summer which is sad for me but I understand it completely. She will be moving there to be next to her daughter. Mary told me I deserve it because then I know how it is to be seperated from my friends. I told her to grow up. I was seperated from my friends my whole life I was a base brat. Sherri and I spent most of our friendship apart writing letters and calling long distance. But I guess Mary can't see that. She is just angry being with her dad away from her friends here right now :'(
I see Anna Nicoles mom is supposed to be having rights to the baby what the hell is that about? Whatever. I think Anna is rolling in her grave. But whatever...
I want to quickly say I think things have gone to far with IMUS , NBC has now fired him? WTF? It's not like he goes off on racial issues all the time. The fact he said nappy headed ho's one time and laughed once and now it's gone this big is ridiculous. I feel so bad for the man. Girls come on he apologized don't let this be his career killer that is horrible. Worse has been done, way worse :(
Anyhow, not sure what tests will say but am sick of being sick and in pain, but I guess I deserve it...
About Me
Victoria, BC
Location
26.5
BMI
Surgery
09/18/2001
Surgery Date
Feb 15, 2000
Member Since
Before & After
rollover to see after photo
I like this pic better than all others whew hoo:) Dec 2003
147lbslbs
Me and my friends cat Mojo dec 2003
147lbslbs
