I can not believe it has been since February since I last posted to my blog here on OH.  I remember two years ago promising myself I would continue to post on the boards regularly and keep up with my blog and here I am two years out and I have not done either. So frustrating...so so frustrating!!! 

I know my life spiraled out of control a bit in the last year...relationship issues....and then just recently the hellish nightmare of being attacked and having the apartment vandalized...so much to deal with and so hard to do it when you are alone.  My weightloss continued on and now I am down about 176 pounds from my starting weight pre surgery. I am now officially smaller than I was in high school and sometimes (okay alot of times!! ) I do not recognize the woman looking back at me in the mirror.

Who is that girl?? Who's face is that? I wonder...she looks like me but yet she does not. I know I need to love both the big girl that I was and this new woman in front of me...but sometimes it is difficult. Sometimes I am stuck in fear --I do not want to regain after losing all this weight.  Carbs are my downfall and I need to be super aware of that.  I have to say that I have not in over two years tried anything with sugar nor do I want to!!! All the treats--chocolates , ice cream, cakes I once ran to for comfort I no longer even look at or even think about. That is a huge accomplishment for me.  So I try to focus on the positives. The girl in the mirror now is the girl who made the choice to live and to live healthier...

Second chances like this are very rare in life...I don't want to waste this chance.  I know this was a bit of a ramble but...I have to get back into the goove of posting and blogging ...I'll do better next time!! LOL

--Copied this from the PA forum post from Liz--I need to remember these things since I am such an emotional eater.

De-Stress in 3 Minutes or Less

Stop Emotional Eating Before It Starts

-- By Dean Anderson, Behavioral Psychology Expert

SparkPeople Sponsors help keep the site free!   What is the single, most common problem that most dieters face when trying to lose weight? Will power? Nah. Temptation? Sometimes. Emotional eating? Bingo! That’s why it takes so much more than good intentions and information about nutrition and exercise to be successful. The ability to manage difficult situations and feelings effectively—without turning to food and eating—is a necessary foundation for a successful weight loss plan and healthy lifestyle.

Fortunately, there are many proactive steps you can take to keep functioning on all your mental cylinders during tough times. These steps range widely from basic relaxation techniques to the development of a reliable support network. Other options include:

• Keeping a food journal to help you identify your emotional eating triggers
• Cultivating mental and emotional well-being through practices like meditation, mindfulness, massage, and yoga
• Developing good problem solving skills
• Turning to the Message Boards for help and support when you need it; offering help to others as a way to get your mind off your own troubles and gain a little perspective on things

But all of these things take time, and there are many instances when you need something you can do right now, to keep yourself grounded, focused and able to make good decisions. After all, you don’t always have time to take a walk, relax in a hot bath or call a friend to talk things over. That’s what we’ll be talking about here—a 3-minute trick for handling stressful situations in the moment.

Minute 1: Stay Grounded
Emotional eating happens when you lose your connection to your grounded self. Stress itself is not what makes you reach for something to eat. In fact, stress is often a good thing and your grounded self knows this! We need the physical stress of exercise to keep our bodies in good shape just as we need the stress of intellectual and emotional challenges to keep our minds healthy.

Nine times out of ten, what really leads to emotional eating is getting caught in a "mind storm" of worst-case scenarios, projections, misinterpretations, and all the emotional overreactions that come with these thoughts. This "storm" turns a manageable challenge into something that makes you feel helpless, overwhelmed, ashamed or afraid—and sends you to the kitchen to find something to stuff those extreme feelings. When you can stay grounded in the moment of stress, you have many more options.

Here are some simple ideas to keep you grounded when something (or someone) pushes your buttons and your feelings start to spiral out of control:

• Take a few deep breaths. (You can also count to 10, if that helps.) If the stressful situation involves someone else, take a timeout and agree to continue the discussion in a few minutes.
• Remind yourself where you are. Take a look around, noticing and naming the colors and shapes in the space around you.
• Notice the physical sensations you are experiencing. Whether it's a sinking feeling, turmoil in your stomach, tension in your hands or jaw, restricted breathing, or heat on the back of your neck, try to name the feelings that go with the sensation. Is that sinking feeling fear, or dread? Is the heat a symptom of anger?

The idea here is to stay in your body and in the moment—with what’s real—instead of going inside your mind where all those unreal scenarios are just waiting to get spun out-of-control.

Minute 2: Reality Check
Once you’re calm enough to start thinking productively, put all those thoughts that are clamoring for attention inside your head through a quick reality check. Here are several very common thought patterns that have no place in reality. Do any of these apply to you?

• All or nothing thinking
  Example: You go over your calorie limit or eat something on your “forbidden” list, and then decide to keep eating because you’ve already “blown it” for today. Reality: Weight loss is not a one-day event. If you stop overeating now, you’ll gain less and have less to re-lose later. That’s something to feel good about!
  
   
• Reading your own thoughts into someone else’s words
  Example: Someone made a mildly critical or unsupportive remark to you, and you feel completely devastated. Reality: The more bothered you are by such remarks, the more likely it is that you are being overly critical of yourself. When you treat yourself with respect, what others say won’t matter nearly so much.
  
   
• Either-Or thinking
  Example: You make a mistake or have a bad day and feel like a complete and hopeless failure. Reality: No one does well all the time. Mistakes are a necessary and valuable opportunity to learn—if you don’t waste them by getting down on yourself.
  
   
• Taking care of other people’s business
  Example: Something is going badly for someone you care about, and you feel responsible, or pressured to fix it. Reality: People need to learn from their own problems. You aren’t doing anyone a favor by trying to fix things just to make yourself feel better.

Minute 3: Putting Things in Perspective
Most common problems that you face in everyday life are much easier to handle when you keep them in perspective and avoid making mountains out of molehills. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to make sure you aren’t in the mountain-making business:

• How big a deal is this, anyway? If I knew I was going to die in a week, would this be something I would want to spend this minute of my remaining time on?
• Will any bad things happen if I postpone thinking about this until I have more time to figure things out?
• Do I have all the information I need to decide how to respond to this? Do I really know what’s going on here, or am I making assumptions? Am I worrying about things that might not even happen? What do I need to check out before taking action?
• Is there anything I can do right now that will change or help this situation?
• Am I trying to control something I can't, like what other people think, say, or do?
• Have I really thought through this problem, and broken it down into manageable pieces I can handle one-at-a-time?

Use this approach whenever your thoughts or situations begin to feel overwhelming, and you'll quickly find that the mountains that seem impossible at first can quickly morph into what they really are—manageable hills that you DO have the ability to climb. All it takes is three little minutes of your time.

Somewhere in the past ten -fifteen years as I grew larger and larger I lost a part of myself....I lost the girl who had confidence and self-esteem and took pride in who she was inside and out.  As the years passed and I got bigger those parts of me disappeared...were forgotten..or were discarded as I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss of shame and hopelessness.

Let me be clear, one does not get to 300+ without a little despair and hopelessness in there.  I was depressed, anxious, and feeding all my stress with food.  My one and only coping mechanism.  Not good on so many levels!! But it was all I had..some people drink too much, some people take medication, some people starve themselves--I ate. I ate and ate and ate and ate until I could no longer tell when I was hungry or when I was full or if I was eating because I was hungry or eating because I was depressed.  I just ATE.  I ate and ballooned up into this person I didn't recognize in the mirror or on the inside either....the old me was gone replaced by this large shell of a person that once used to be me but was somehow not me any longer.

Then I hit the wall.  I could no longer stand where I was but could no longer move past where I was.  I was stuck.  No diet, no pill, no amount of anything was helping me--I was careening out of control and was afraid of where it would all end.  Then my light bulb moment came and I found Barix and Dr.P and WLS...and it SAVED my life.  End of story.

But not quite the end..because here is the Funny thing about this...the girl that disappeared over ten years ago is starting to emerge.  Oh sure she has grown up a bit and is more mature but she still kicks ass!! See, as the layers fell so did the shame and hopelessness I had felt for so long.  I feel like I am stripping down to my bare skin and revealing a new version of who I am and who I will become. 

I often envsion it as the phoenix rising from the flames and ash--Whole but different than it was before.  I am finding myself and my voice again but this tiem it is a little different--this girl is a bit grown up and yet beginning to feel the old confidence come back a bit more each day and each month. A little bit each day and each week she comes to the surface feeling grateful to be alive and taking big gulps of air as she adjusts to this new life.

It is interesting and funny when men who would crack a comment about your fat ass now whistle as you walk past them in the home improvement store or on the street....and it is interesting that even though I was heavy and ashamed I would not have given them a moment of my time and I still don't today--I am not flattered by these types of people.  I am flattered by the teenage boy in the bookstore with his gangly limbs and pimples who stuttered and blushed when I was the customer next in line and smiled at me with his braces to the point where even my husband noticed this poor kid trying to flirt withme!! LOL But that is interesting to see myself through new eyes...I was at one time and may still be attractive.  That is ego boosting but not in the concieted way many people think--I need to rebuild my sense of self and my idea of self worth...each day and each moment that I can see the good, see my health improving, see my efforts are worth it --each of these is affirming me and my decision.

Somewhere inside the old me is beginning to come out and become one with the new me. And that makes me smile....

Till next time! 

You could have knocked me over with a feather a year ago if you told me I would find excersise enjoyable.  I hated excersise all my life...spent all of high school trying to getout of gym class (and I was teeny tiny in high school!!!!)...never joined sports...never liked to sweat...(Ok i still don't like to sweat...LOL) But in this journey I have come to enjoy getting my excersie groove on ....I like it ALOT!!!

See the thing about the journey I and so many of us are on is that we had the WLS to change our lives and our attitudes in regards to food and healthy living...Physical activity is a partof that in a big way..

Now I had a bit of an emotional year..moved..bought a house..had issues with hubby's daughter...finished my mba... and excersise was last on my list of things to do but I know it can not be last--it must be first!!! I have to be healthy and strong in order to take care of all the other things in my life...I need to schedule it in and make it as habitual as brushing my teeth...

Why put this here? I said I love to work out now and I do!! But sometimes in the rush of life putting myself first comes in dead last...and I need to be accountable to that.  Excersise is not about having six pack abs (although that'd be nice!!!)  it is about remember to take care of yourself first and foremost and strenous activity is key in that.

I want to be healthy in mind, spirit, and body so everyday I need to get up and get moving to be the best me I can be!!!

Till next time!!

    Picture Source:Country Living

I found this recipe  on the blog site "Not Too Shabby" and thought it would be great to share.... Great Recipe for a peace-filled life..

 1. Take a 10-30 minute walk (run) every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

 3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________!

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

 5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

 7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.

 8. Eat breakfast like a KING, lunch like a PRINCE and dinner like a COLLEGE KID with a maxed out charge card.

 9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

 11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16.. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years,will this matter?'

 17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

 19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

 21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

 22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

 23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements:I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

 25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

Okay so I had another blog on blogger and at one time was even doing video blogs..but it all became too much to keep up with sooooo I deleted other blog and no longer make videos to post so I thought I would concentrate all my efforts here because here is where I started out on the WLS journey and here is where I would like to stay.  This is home to me!!  

Now if you are perusing the blog you may just notice some out of order postings--posts made in June but are in regards to the New Year, etc etc!! Don't be alarmed--I just posted some of the better posts from the other blog here to keep them and be able to look back and reflect when I need to!!

So no more blogging on other sites--I think I will stick to keeping it all here on my favorite place with some of my favorite people!!!

Till I blog again!!!!
Laura

Ahhh the promise of the new year!!! I do so like the idea and promise a new year brings. A clean slate, a new beginning, new hope and new things to look forward to. Prior to the new year I was a bit down and unsure of where to go or what to do as I posted a rather depressive missive on the PA board:

Kinda down-- kinda hating on myself...nothing is "fixed" by this surgery...I am still me and I am still here nothing will change that. I am so tired of being me...so tired of letdowns and disappointments...tired of life in general. Seven months out and still can't see what is good....hating myself is a pain. Depressed? Yes. Talking to someone? Yes. Is it helping??? No not really....Will I ever be good enough? Pretty enough? Thin enough?? Smart enough? Will I ever be enough??? Sometimes like today that answer seems like a faraway "no". I guess with the new year looming and time on my hands I let myself get down in the dumps....so many things I want to do and change about myself and not sure where to begin....I am sorry if this isn't making sense...just woke up in a foul mood. I am sure this will all dissipate in time...Sometimes I just have to vent about myself. Thanx.

And I did receive a few really spot on comments about it and how to deal and I do feel better now...still I have to refocus and realign myself with my goals. this year is not about losing all the weight (although that would be nice!!!LOL) No this year is about refocusing on taking care of me and my health. About really working my tool and integrating healthy eating habits and lifestyle habits into my life in every aspect of my life. This year is about taking time for me and re centering on what is good about me and what is special and makes me worthwhile as a person. A new year makes all of this possible and makes me feel like I can take on the world once again.

The best part about having this surgery and changing my life was the regaining of some of my old confidence and self esteem. It is a slow progression from feeling like a piece of crap 24/7 to feeling slightly better about oneself....but I am getting there a little each day. This surgery only works on your stomach NOT on your head...it is not going to fix everything you think is wrong with yourself..but it will help put you on the path to breaking those walls down and overcoming the obstacles you have put in your own way. You have got to do all the work though...this is NOT an easy way out for any of us....not emotionally or physically.

The physical is easier to deal with ...it is the emotional that is more difficult for me to deal with. I like to push things down and not confront them head on...hence eating to fill me up was a way for me to not deal with the emotional baggage Carry around every day. Now eating is not something I can do..so dealing with the issues is all that is left. And it is time--time to clean out the skeletons living inside my emotional closets!

This year offers me the chance to do all that and so much more. I am really looking forward to putting myself back together in a new healthy, emotionally healthy, physically healthy way. So HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR--HAPPY NEW ME!!!Till I blog again!!

My friend from my support group and here on OH -Katie has told me that title line in some emails and it is true--" Progress not Perfection" my lovelies is the name of the game this year. As you can tell I am still in a New Year's mode and still trying to flesh out my goals and aspirations for the year.

But that line is true for all of us and how we approach life each day. I do not need to be an airbrushed, photo shopped bikini model. I do, however, need to be the best me I can be each day. I need to be focused on my health, my nutrition, and my emotional and spiritual needs.

Am I saying that the media has turned a generation of little girls into anorexic, image obsessed women? No. But I will say that the media has definitely been upping the ante in that direction with more and more unrealistic portrayals of women and the body women should have. The average American woman today is a healthy size 14. For Pete's sake the sexiest woman of all time--Marilyn Monroe was a size 14!!! But today people say a size 14 is fat. It isn't ladies!!!

Whether a woman is a size 14, 12, or a 6 if she is healthy and doing what is nutritionally sound for herself than there should be no question of whether or not she is fat--because that is not the issue. Is she healthy? Is she fit? Is she happy with herself?? Those are the questions we must ask ourselves each day--not are we too fat?

I need to and am going to focus on what is good about me and not what is wrong with me. I hope we will all do the same this year. Let us all keep doing what is good and healthy for our minds and bodies. My mantra this year is definitely "PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION".

What is joy? Is it just an extension of happiness? Is it something you aspire to or work for? What is joy and how can we find it in this new year?

That is something I am definitely pondering and I embark upon this new life I am beginning. The WLS was just the beginning of the journey for me. Now I am on a quest to discover who I really am and what I really want from this life. Being given this second chance at life has really opened my eyes to all the possibilities out there and I know that I no longer want to miss out on all the possibilities that there are for me to explore.

For so long I just let life pass me by and didn't take full advantage of what Life and God were offering me....I tookk it all for granted until it was almost too late for me. Now looking back on who I was a year ago I see a sad, lonely, depressed individual just going through the motions of life. I was too fat and too unhealthy to care about anything or anyone at the time. But now I/ have been given this opportunity to start over and try again at this thing called life and living life fully and completely every day.

So while I now realize the opportunity I have to change the course of my life for the good I ask myself daily is this joy? is this happiness? or is there even more to be had?? Because as amazing as this journey has been and will continue to be I want to discover an even deeper more fulfilling joy. Is that too selfish of me? I don't think so...I want to be happy or a deep level. Happiness is not just laughter, money, or clothes...That joy, that happiness that seems elusive is right there waiting for me to grab hold of it and not let go.

I am done with self pity and depressive moments...well I hope I am or can at least keep episodes short and learn from them quickly. I will always carry the depression with me but I no longer want it to define who I am or what my life will be from now on. That is a major shift in my thinking and I take it as a positive sign.

I was always searching for the light at the end of the tunnel...well now I am bathed in the light and am relishing its gleam and warmth. The struggles were well worth it as I stand here now--a survivor of my past, my pain, and my self inflicted wounds. I made the decison to get better, get healthy, and do what was right for me.

I am so glad I did too, but now the journey continues and goes on so much further. Now I need to find that deep inner joy that emanates from within me! Wait...maybe I have found it and just need to let it grow inside me? Hmm....that is a thought to ponder...

I was being wheeled into the OR at Barix to begin the biggest and most life altering journey in my life!! Today I am CELEBRATING my one year surgerversary!!!! YAY!!! I am down over 110 lbs and feeling fab!! All I can say is thank you to Dr P and all my friends here and on the OH board for all your help and support over the past year!

This year has been full of surprises both good and not so good but I have learned so much that has changed me forever and has changed the way I look at food and health so I thought I would share them with you!!

1. The number on the scale does not define how my day will go--It is wonderful to lose pounds each week but during a stall I need to continue to work my tool and live my new HEALTHY lifestyle.

2. Emotional eating is no longer necessary as now I actually DEAL with the feelings I have instead of stuffing my face with unhealthy options..I have a better relationship with my hubby and my family because I no longer hide behind food to avoid dealing with my feelings!! I actually work through them and deal with the situations and it is GREAT!!!

3. Excersise is life affirming!!! For a lifelong avoider of physical activity this truly surprised me! I actually enjoy working out. I enjoy walking on the treadmill doing weights and RIDING my bike for miles on end!! I feel awesome during it and after it !! I am no longer winded running up the steps or walking to the corner...I feel strong and capable because I AM strong and capable now!!!

4. I am no longer the fattest person in the room. True it is amazing to me still that I don not need the 3XL clothes and actually fit in large and medium sizes...I can actually walk into a normal store not a "specialty size" shop and buy clothes!! Wow !! I no longer shop at the big girl stores but can get pieces from the juniors section of Target or walk into NY and Co and buy a dress off the rack and KNOW it will fit!!

5. I have my confidence back...this is huge!! I can walk into any room anywhere and not feel ashamed of what I look like ...cause I like me now. I am able to let my inner and outer self shine because I am not hiding in a corner dressed in head to toe black trying to be invisible. People actually acknowledge me as a person and if they don't well the new me let's them know they are being ignorant..I do not take anyones BS anymore because through the journey I have learned that even at my fattest I was still worth more than I let people treat me--never again will I let the thoughts of what others may think of me control how I live each day.

We are all special and unique and worth the time to care about and love--Don't ever forget that!!!!!!There is so much more but I would probablly put you all to sleep if I kept on going!!!! LOL

But I do know this one thing for sure--this surgery, this opportunity for a new life has given me all my hopes and dreams back and let me see how precious and wonderful, scary and challenging and superb life can be!! Never again will I take life for granted and let it slip so easily by--now I actually LIVE life to the absolute fullest each day of the year!!!